H

Hope:-)

Enlightened
Jul 3, 2022
1,012
2 weeks to go until check in. It's a private hell. No one knows irl obviously...not that I know anyone anyway. It's so lonely. It will be the biggest fight of my life and while I wait I have to hang around in supported housing like some freak who never comes out of their room, and who everyone thinks is not utilising the support here when in actually fact I'll be killing myself in 2 weeks time. If this fails I have no idea what I will do. Anyone relate?
 
Jrmull1993

Jrmull1993

Warlock
Jul 13, 2022
780
@Hope:-) I find it peaceful that no one knows about my plan. While there's always the potential that SI kicks in, and I'll have a fight, I find the will to continue living to be a much more brutal fight.
 
H

Hope:-)

Enlightened
Jul 3, 2022
1,012
It has to work. I live in supported housing, I have no money to hand and I have no quality relationships. I just know my family. I can't cope with the past and how it's impacted my present and I can't cope with my present in general. I worry about going through all that pain and being found.I know I'm definitely doing it and even if you aren't religious,(neither am I,) I would appreciate being in your thoughts and prayers over the next couple of weeks. Thanks everyone.
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Wish that I was gone
Sep 24, 2020
15,004
I understand having the fear of failing ctb. It sounds so horrifying failing an attempt but of course many people have succeeded with SN. I’m sorry that you have to suffer so much in your time left here. Life is just too cruel. I wish you the best.
 
H

Hope:-)

Enlightened
Jul 3, 2022
1,012
I'm not particularly religious but I will say a prayer that your burden won't be so heavy. I know how difficult it is to play the waiting game when every moment is full of hurt.
Thanks. Would really appreciate if you could.x
 
Fadeawaaaay

Fadeawaaaay

Enlightened
Nov 12, 2021
1,909
I am thinking about you and can feel for what you’re going through… I’m sorry you’re having to suffer through this… You deserve so much better…
 
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H

Hope:-)

Enlightened
Jul 3, 2022
1,012
I am thinking about you and can feel for what you’re going through… I’m sorry you’re having to suffer through this… You deserve so much better…
Thankyou. I do appreciate being in people's thoughts as this is a v scary time for me. I am still going ahead with it though. Every day is terrifying, but it doesn't need to be. I can make the most out of these couple of weeks.Just need a bit of support which I can get here.x
 
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Fadeawaaaay

Fadeawaaaay

Enlightened
Nov 12, 2021
1,909
Thankyou. I do appreciate being in people's thoughts as this is a v scary time for me. I am still going ahead with it though. Every day is terrifying, but it doesn't need to be. I can make the most out of these couple of weeks.Just need a bit of support which I can get here.x
It’s one thing to tread water and dwell on SS reading through these posts and quite another to actively plan your demise… It’s a world of difference… I’m heading your way but far from it… I can’t really imagine how it must feel… But I’m around if you need to talk to somebody… I have absolutely nothing else to do…
 
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H

Hope:-)

Enlightened
Jul 3, 2022
1,012
It’s one thing to tread water and dwell on SS reading through these posts and quite another to actively plan your demise… It’s a world of difference… I’m heading your way but far from it… I can’t really imagine how it must feel… But I’m around if you need to talk to somebody… I have absolutely nothing else to do…
Thankyou. I really do appreciate it.x
 
freedompass

freedompass

Arcanist
Jan 27, 2021
495
2 weeks to go until check in. It's a private hell. No one knows irl obviously...not that I know anyone anyway. It's so lonely. It will be the biggest fight of my life and while I wait I have to hang around in supported housing like some freak who never comes out of their room, and who everyone thinks is not utilising the support here when in actually fact I'll be killing myself in 2 weeks time. If this fails I have no idea what I will do. Anyone relate?
Living a life of ‘quiet desperation’ as some poet said, that’s the thing, our pain is invisible. It’s not like hobbling around on crutches or something obvious like that where people are solicitous and eager to help. ‘Private hell’ is right. I feel for you, I really do, and drop me a pm if you need to talk.
 
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H

Hope:-)

Enlightened
Jul 3, 2022
1,012
Living a life of ‘quiet desperation’ as some poet said, that’s the thing, our pain is invisible. It’s not like hobbling around on crutches or something obvious like that where people are solicitous and eager to help. ‘Private hell’ is right. I feel for you, I really do, and drop me a pm if you need to talk.
Thankyou. It feels different than anything to do with suicidality that I've felt before. It feels like being a condemned woman...like I've been sentenced to death or something. I'm going to try my best to enjoy the couple of weeks I have left though, and I haven't been deterred from my plans.
 
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freedompass

freedompass

Arcanist
Jan 27, 2021
495
Thankyou. It feels different than anything to do with suicidality that I've felt before. It feels like being a condemned woman...like I've been sentenced to death or something. I'm going to try my best to enjoy the couple of weeks I have left though, and I haven't been deterred from my plans.
Honestly I know what you mean. At times in the past when I’ve been way deeper into the suicidal thoughts and plans I would wake in the morning with a sense of doom. It’s like being on death row for real. I haven’t ever set a date tho. And I hope you can find some pleasure and enjoyment in whatever you do for your remaining time.
 
I

Idontmatter

Just want it all to be over
Oct 25, 2021
500
If I don’t postpone mine again, I’ll be ctbing the same weekend as you. I wish you luck and you are in my thoughts
 
M

makethepainstop

Wizard
Sep 16, 2022
656
I understand you perfectly, I have to wait three weeks, for my ctb.
Sometimes we just have to hang in there until that wonderful day.
May all of your desires come true.
 
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