completely-done

completely-done

-
Jan 31, 2022
212
A lot of mental and emotional abuse and bullying. From all sorts of people, people who were obviously against me to people who said they have my best interests in mind. People who I looked up to and people who knew my traumas intimately. Often I feel like a wimp because other people has had it harder than I do, and I'm not perfect so I'm sure I further added to the negativity of those dynamics. It just screwed me up so bad that my brain is no longer mine, it's hostage to my past actions, mistakes and regrets. I'll never forgive myself and I'll never have my mind back. It's over for me
 
enau

enau

Student
Apr 15, 2021
142
a LoT.But recently, what finish to turned me into pieces , is when i was askink for .. some 'help', human attention, or just for someone to be kind.Of course , as i am autistic, on the places and social media where i expressed my pain, most of them just ghosted me.But two of them told me particulary harsh words, and it still resionnate /got mixed with my painfull memories actualy.One of them wanted to be listened and helped, and i tried, but he used me like a tool, and was saying it was inbearable to think or speaking about me or my situations or problèms, not because they are so tragic, just because he just wanted to use me and not be nice or not even a decent considerate human personn toward me x) .. not really the most painfull fact i, my life, its a timing question , but every sentence he said "na please, in cant' ( i didnt ask for x)) ) it made me feel , i dont have the right to suffer and exist and express / be listened as a personn.The second one just came to tell me i will never succed to cbt and i should accept a life of misery, his words were really hard, and i was in shock, after that i tried to discuss more with him, because i was in derealisation .. and he didnt accept it, he said ' never speak to me again'.All of that, are not very .. violent things ?
but theses words and comportements of theses people came when i was desesperate for the slightest kindness, connexion, hope , i was with my last breathes, empty of energy, i really felt that, like they told me i didn t deserve to be treated kindly.I was in crisis, and i was feeling that, like if the world was speaking to me throught messenger to tell me, that i dont belong, and have the right to be there. and the were trying to explicate why people werent nice with me, as if there could be an excuse..( youre autistic so its ok if people ghost you, or be asshole with you.) + my stalker tried at the same time to cumpabilise me, and invade my life.. again
( of course the worse was abuse with my family)
 
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fox_wannabe

fox_wannabe

Enlightened
Jul 7, 2021
1,115
I feel I might have been neglected as child. My mom didn't took care of me in my very early childhood. Same with my father. They were always working.

I have been bullied in elementary school for an extended periods of time with friends who did not support me as much. It lasted about 6 years making me develop cPTSD and crippling me socially and mentally. In some of those days I was experiencing pure terror and fear for my life. I was gang stalked at one point.

Than I was scared for my life in junior high school because of how dangerous my school really was and how much I had to watch for where I go or where I look. People were brutal and very cruel to each other. Fact that I have asperger made it worse.

It all fucked me up and made me not normal. My parents tried to gaslight me telling me It was not that bad.
 
bad luck

bad luck

Memento mori
Mar 2, 2021
774
- Divorce of his parents.
-Large property loss.
-Eviction
-Psychological abuse
-Bullying
-energy poverty
-Abandonment.
-Divorce after 15 years together.
- Job insecurity.

Adds depression and strong anxiety.
 
sorry-i-need-help

sorry-i-need-help

Member
Feb 13, 2022
11
I wish people who hated children never gave birth to them. My Mum used to physically abuse us with anything she could find, cables, high heeled shoes, belts, her hand, etc. She even tried to strangle me one time in a hotel room for refusing to put her plate on the table for her. I was 14. Used to slap my dad and fight him. He eventually left after being an enabler and left his children exposed. Didn't even go to court, try to fight to get us, nothing. I forgive him now, he went through neglect as a kid so didn't know how to have a proper functioning family or what that looked like. Anyways she stopped the abuse at 17, last physical altercation I remember was me singing in my bedroom, her coming in saying I had a beautiful voice and that I should sign up for some talent contest going on at school, me chuckling and saying "No way I'd win it, there's a girl in my class who's a better singer", after that all I remember is my Mum randomly slapping me and calling me a bitch. Random as shit.

After that, the last really bad emotional damage she inflicted was accusing me of sleeping with my Dad because he threatened a divorce (so naturally if your partner wants to leave you, it's not your fault. Look to the nearest female, even if she's a 16 year old child and blame her). He never went through with it. And then later accusing me of spying on her so my Dad could use witchcraft on her with the information I gave him about this. That was the last really bad emotional trauma. After that it's been a series of snarky comments about me being in the house without a job. You read this shit and probably think how the fuck does a 16 year old respond to this, right? I do too. I never processed the bullshit that came out of her unhinged mouth. And if she was just some weirdo kooky crazy paranoid schizo type, maybe I would've processed it better, but SHE'S NOT. She acts NORMAL. She has friends, she functions in society, she gives her friends great advice, she's the worship leader at the church she goes to. Other than being a raging narcissist, she is normal.

The worst part isn't even the abuse itself, it's not trusting her and her not giving a shit, feigning concern, then pretending she doesn't know why I don't trust her. the worst part is my own self and my fucking head telling me I'm making a mountain out of a molehill for being sad about it now when she's not doing anything anymore.
sorry for trauma dumping too it's not cool and doesn't feel any less weird me writing my entire life story like that
 
Rabhen

Rabhen

Isolated Loner
Dec 17, 2021
148
The police and the 'system' are not here to help, they are nothing more than bullies at the ready to further victimize victims. Defund the entire system. Complex PTSD doesn't even scratch the surface. I hate this planet and I hat humans you all are a disgusting bunch of self serving bullies and assholes. Let me out of here.
 
DontplayGod

DontplayGod

She/her
Feb 6, 2022
124
My parents put me in charge of my siblings to take care of pretty much full-time when I was 8 years old, I've pretty much raised my brother and sister by myself. I still raise both of them to this day (the older one not so much since she's about 14 years old now) I yearned everyday for my parents love desperately trying to get them to acknowledge my existence. I was and still am nothing to them, just a person to do all the dirty work for them. I'm just glad I don't have to worry about finances. I can barely function at this point and feel like such a failure letting both my siblings down since they never really had a parental figure. My mother is a really fucked up person, the only attention she ever gave me was really weird attention when I started going through puberty (amab) she would reach up my shirt and touch my stomach sometimes and was obsessed with my body always commenting on it in very negative and "positive" ways (not actually positive just her sounding turned on by my body). She got really mad when I stopped working out and it seems like she has some fucking weird crush on me and it creeps me the fuck out. Both my parents are extremely bigoted btw, racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc... comments and "jokes" all the time that really bothers me but I can't call them out because "it's just a joke" and "I just need to stop being a little snowflake" so yeah they're kinda pieces of shit to say the least.
 
A

ameliacecelia

Member
Mar 11, 2022
88
I was molested by a pediatrician when I was 5. Last year, I tried to take legal action, but couldn't get the police to charge him. Staute of limitations in civil cases is 7 years so sol there. I thought about taking some kind of violence against him but that's not going to happen. I'm still battling with the hospital system to do something about him but he's contracted and not a direct employee. He's not the only one who has hurt me but I feel he somehow made it easier for others to abuse me.
 
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clown_17

clown_17

Almost gone, it almost worked
Oct 24, 2020
240
My experience of bullying/abuse in my elementary and junior high years had permanently fucked me up and made me unable to have healthy relationships now. A naive young me was stalked online, used, manipulated, and shamed by “friends.” They convinced me to abandon all of my friends so I was stuck with them, and then they (two sisters) slowly convinced me that I was defective and needed them or else I’d be alone forever. They’d spam my phone at all hours of the night to solve their problems and if I had a concern and asked them to stop the narrative would be flipped to make me the guilty one. They made accounts online to monitor me whcih made me quite paranoid. They’d also talk shit about me in front of me like I’m trash.I was shamed for having any interests, opinions, or hobbies that were out of their control and monitoring. They also stole my lunch and threw it at me and made me think we were playing. It was all fun and games until I threw anything back, and then suddenly we had went too far. They used me for my grades and spread rumours about me when I tried to talk to anyone else and make other friends, essentially isolating me. Based on whether I was entertaining/useful enough I’d either be ignored and discarded or barely tolerated for the day. I started performing and trying to entertain them for acceptance but it was never enough. When I finally made my own friends and tried not even to leave, but just to spend some time to myslef, they posted attacks online and tried to convince me I was awful for not spending 100% of my time with them. For context I’m possibly autistic and didn’t get social cues which is why I put up with this for so long, they made me convinced that friendship is supposed to hurt this bad.

Welp I now have bpd and I’m the shitty one! I’m way too paranoid and unstable and always end up hurting the people close to me. I hate it so much how one can go from being hurt to hurting others the very same way. I’m trying to change but it’s so hard.
 
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brnggundottxt

brnggundottxt

Member
Mar 12, 2022
48
There are people actively trying to drive me to suicide. They are desperately trying to hasten an inevitable process lmao!
The thing is they are convinced that they actually have some moral high ground being drug dealers, money launderers, crooks, cronies and yes men. It shows that some people never leave high school they become shitty micromanagers, join organizations and plot to destroy people who have slighted them, just like they're a pack of 14 year olds at a lunch table. This time they have drug money and a lawless country where they can run amok. They make sure people can be hired or fired or black listed to bend other people to their will.

They spend their entire lives in this terminal state. Trying to live out the plot to their favorite tv shows (like 'suits' or 'scandal') not realizing these unrealistic and wooden characters wouldn't have to deal with actual consequence be it emotional, spiritual and physical. Some of them even parade as being very religious too. Advocates for social justice! While they're actively throwing people in the meat grinder, not knowing they're in another meat grinder of their own. Sociopaths hiding in plain sight primed and ready to be swallowed by a bigger fish, or entropy.. obscurity and death.

I'd wish they'd let me die in the same lonely and insignificant death they're all destined for as 72 year old demented high schoolers.
 
settheory

settheory

Bundle of perceptions
Jul 29, 2021
348
gosh, my memories are so vague and fragmented i fear i might miss something important. i mentioned in one of my early threads that it wasn't too harsh or crazy, but this was because: i was gaslit into believing it was something less bad.
i got verbally humiliated by my mother from time to time.
many users might find some bits of the aforementioned text disgusting and gross, so i will put it under a spoiler. very graphic.
there were lots of things, so i might not remember everything and i would need to write some more posts. what is written below is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
ok, where do i even start. my whole life was a humiliation, right from birth. many would find some of the things described here extremely disgusting, so i'll put them under a spoiler. but i really feel like i need to share it with someone.
basically, my mother owned me like a slave. she played with and desecrated my body "for my own benefit", as she would say all the time.

starting with a certain early age ( 4-7, don't remember exactly), she would pop my pimples almost every day, often several times a day. that hurt a lot. i didn't even say anything, she would scold and humiliate me just for moaning in pain or even just making my face the wrong way. sometimes she would mock my pain. like, mockingly imitating sounds.
other than that, she would also "clean" my ears, pull out eyelashes out of my eyes with her nails (those that fell into the eye), and pulled out my boogers from my nose. all of it was painful, humiliating, and caused a lot of discomfort. each time anything like that happen she would say that it doesn't hurt, that i am just pretending. would try to "explain" how what she does is "good". she said that otherwise it would develop an extremely painfuld bodily condition and that doctors will have to perform a painful operation.
she would wash me until i was 11. the water, often with shampoo, would pour into my eye. it hurt. my mother said "it's just water", and "it doesn't hurt". even when i said nothing. sometimes humiliate me. washing involved a lot of touching from her. i was very sensitive and ticklish. so it would often be very unpleasant or even hurt. i would sometimes even scream. washing would usually happen once a week. whenever i asked her to wash myself she would refuse, humiliate me and, say that i'm not able to. several years after she let me wash myself, she once remembered how she washed me and told me about that, smiling and laughing.
The culmination of washing was the last time she washed me. That was probably the most memorable one. It involved a lot of touching, pain, screaming, and humiliation of her, unusually high even compared to the other times i did that. after the washing, she told me some more humiliating things, and said i will go blind by 15. i said her she was a bad mother. than she said something angry and went away. father called me. he asked why there was screaming and what was the deal, don't remember what he asked exactly. i said i called her a bad mother. father said that i should have been beaten or something like that (he never beat me tho) and told me to apologise to her.
she was also popping my pimples one or several years after. the time after i got to wash myself was overall better but still very bad.
there were numerous incidents of her lashing out at me and just verbally abusing and humiliating me.
 
BitterlyAlive_

BitterlyAlive_

-
Dec 8, 2020
2,328
I feel like such a retard because I still get set off by dumb shit. Looks, words, phrases, certain behaviors. I’m in my mid-twenties and this shit still makes me feel like I’m dying when it happens. And then it either spirals inside or I get lucky and go numb. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.
 
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W

WannaBdoneSufferng

Member
Jun 5, 2022
10
CPTSD is awful, that’s…all I have to say for now. It wouldn’t matter if anything else was said. But that sums it up.
I wish the USA believed in things like cptsd and coercive control.

I have been rejected by therapists because when I start listing traumas it doesnt stop when they expect it to. So they stop me. And try to refer me to "a more experienced colleague" or "to someone who specializes in trauma".

The person helping me now is the closest thing to real help I have ever had, and he doesn't understand yet because I hide most of it. I shouldn't have to do that. How is that help, when the person who is supposed to help you can't deal with what you already have before, let alone what you are going through now?
 
AloneInCollege

AloneInCollege

The one and only
Mar 7, 2022
115
My experience of bullying/abuse in my elementary and junior high years had permanently fucked me up and made me unable to have healthy relationships now. A naive young me was stalked online, used, manipulated, and shamed by “friends.” They convinced me to abandon all of my friends so I was stuck with them, and then they (two sisters) slowly convinced me that I was defective and needed them or else I’d be alone forever. They’d spam my phone at all hours of the night to solve their problems and if I had a concern and asked them to stop the narrative would be flipped to make me the guilty one. They made accounts online to monitor me whcih made me quite paranoid. They’d also talk shit about me in front of me like I’m trash.I was shamed for having any interests, opinions, or hobbies that were out of their control and monitoring. They also stole my lunch and threw it at me and made me think we were playing. It was all fun and games until I threw anything back, and then suddenly we had went too far. They used me for my grades and spread rumours about me when I tried to talk to anyone else and make other friends, essentially isolating me. Based on whether I was entertaining/useful enough I’d either be ignored and discarded or barely tolerated for the day. I started performing and trying to entertain them for acceptance but it was never enough. When I finally made my own friends and tried not even to leave, but just to spend some time to myslef, they posted attacks online and tried to convince me I was awful for not spending 100% of my time with them. For context I’m possibly autistic and didn’t get social cues which is why I put up with this for so long, they made me convinced that friendship is supposed to hurt this bad.

Welp I now have bpd and I’m the shitty one! I’m way too paranoid and unstable and always end up hurting the people close to me. I hate it so much how one can go from being hurt to hurting others the very same way. I’m trying to change but it’s so hard.
I had a very similar experience. It has made it hard for me to interact with people and is one of the reasons for my ctb
 
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settheory

settheory

Bundle of perceptions
Jul 29, 2021
348
My life is absolute shit now but even this is much better than my childhood.
 
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victimofnarcissist

victimofnarcissist

Member
Aug 16, 2022
47
When I was young, i was physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused. My parents could have stopped it, but my father decided to continue abusing alcohol and my mother turned a blind eye. They were way too young and inexperienced to breed.

Today, I blame myself whenever I perceive abandonment because I feel it is my fault. My parents are utterly oblivious to the daily emotional and psychological pain they put me through just because they didn't know how to raise a child.

I also developed a sporadic motor neuron disease that doesn't kill you, but strips you if your dignity and puts you in severe chronic pain each day. These are the main factors why I have the perfect rope and SN that I will use before I'm unable to care for myself or cannot take the emotional pain anymore.
 
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M

makethepainstop

Wizard
Sep 16, 2022
656
This is a Megathread where members who are have suffered (or are still suffering from) any kind of abuse, bullying and/or trauma can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support. I have encountered many members who have been abused, bullied or traumatised and I feel a dedicated space would be useful.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

I will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

I understand how utterly soul-destroying any kind of abuse and trauma can be, the domino effect this can have on our entire lives and the far-reaching consequences victims must endure in the aftermath. I wish no-one had to experience such suffering.

While I know there is nothing I can do to take away that pain, I hope that here we can find solidarity and support among each other.

This is a Megathread where members who are have suffered (or are still suffering from) any kind of abuse, bullying and/or trauma can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support. I have encountered many members who have been abused, bullied or traumatised and I feel a dedicated space would be useful.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

I will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

I understand how utterly soul-destroying any kind of abuse and trauma can be, the domino effect this can have on our entire lives and the far-reaching consequences victims must endure in the aftermath. I wish no-one had to experience such suffering.

While I know there is nothing I can do to take away that pain, I hope that here we can find solidarity and support among each other.
I sometimes find comfort in planning my final ctb actions. Music also can express my thoughts quite well. "Tears of a clown" Smokey Robinson, don't let my glad expression give you the wrong impression. I hurt and so sad, there are tears when no one is around." Things can only get better" Howard Jones, If we throw it all away things can only get better. I have been bullied since I was five stepdad, redneck uncle's granddad, and school grades 1-12. So, screw them. If I reincarnate, I want to be large enough and muscley enough to be so formidable and ferocious looking. I don't want to BE a bully; I want to be big enough to slap the shit out of people who bully others! May we all find the love, peace and joy we all deserve.