OrcWitch

OrcWitch

Specialist
Sep 3, 2021
334
I am suicidal still but I am trying. Good developments have happened in my life recently and it is something to celebrate, I wanted to rant a little.

This is something I heard before, mostly in Dr. K videos(if you don't know him, he is a psychiatrist streamer, I think he is very insightful and enjoy his content). I was listening to him today and he mentioned this phenomenon again. A person who was physically/sexually/emotionally abused in relationships before ends up in a healthy relationship with a gentle, warm, empathetic, respectful person. They get overwhelmed and anxious and don't understand what the hell this person is going to do or what their motive is, it scares them on this instinctual level. If they haven't been getting help with their trauma they might even leave or sabotage it.

Earlier this year before I joined SS I ended up making an account for reddit and posting on this domestic violence subreddit. It was my first time telling my story in so much detail, and they said this story was pretty bad and that I needed therapy/support. Until then it was something I just kind of kept to myself and mentioned to my best friend sometimes. Later this year, still prior to joining SS I saw that my school was offering therapy services through our tuition, so I took advantage and got hooked up with a psychologist who specializes in traumatic events. When I told my story she said that I'm lucky to be alive and that I'm describing a very extreme and unwell person. It feels like such a blur and I have this inability to see it as extreme as others seem to, I think I was so hollow and shutdown back then that I've never processed it as quite that bad. I got diagnosed with PTSD. Up until then I didn't think I lived through anything that would give me that. In retrospect it makes sense. Maybe because of SJW anti-tumbr memes during the 2014-2016 era of the internet, it never occurred to me that I was actually getting triggered by things. Certain topics would make me seize up and make my heart race, when my dad tried to wake me up for something in the morning I woke up screaming from being touched, when a girl at work grabbed my shoulders from behind I involuntarily screamed, but I didn't think any of this was a symptom of anything. I just thought I was weird and bad and stupid. I guess it felt liberating being diagnosed because it made sense of a lot of behaviors that had no explanation before.

Anyways, I felt a lot of relief but I was pretty suicidal this year. I still feel suicidal pretty often. I joined SS and started posting. I eventually broke and told my best friend how I had suicidal intent, and we both agreed I could wait some more time and that if things are still painful 3 or 4 years from now that my method wouldn't go anywhere. It was because she was venting to me about this guy threatening her with suicide and trying to manipulate her over something very petty. As she was venting she said "if someone I care about was feeling suicidal I would really want them to feel they could tell me". I felt guilty about that sentence for some weeks and told her, which prompted our discussion.

In the beginning of October I met this person I instantly clicked with. There was this strange feeling with how easily we connected socially, as if I was reconnecting with an old friend rather than meeting someone new. Within a few weeks we had crushes on each other, we were talking more and spending most of our free time together. I was not actively looking for love when we met, but I really wanted it again. We came to want a relationship together and so now we are in one. We agreed to take it slow, I talked about my baggage and we both agreed we did not want codependence or a savior relationship, we wanted something normal and healthy. What was bothering me was that phenomenon I heard about in those previous mentioned videos is happening, where I am being treated with all this basic respect and kindness that it is terrifying me. I keep getting treated so well and feeling unsettled by it. This treatment is what I've wanted so badly my whole life but unfamiliar territory is scary at first. I keep wondering if a bad person is lurking underneath and this is all a ploy, but there is nothing that would indicate that. I am in my late 20s and this might be my first healthy relationship, and I am happy about this. I feel so fortunate and lucky.
 
Last edited:
D

deathLiberation

Member
Oct 31, 2021
48
I am in my late 20s and this might be my first healthy relationship, and I am happy about this. I feel so fortunate and lucky.
Believe in the relationship.

I feel the same. I had a relationship that i sabotage because it was too good. I even got away from a good friend, because i believe im not good company.
I am alone, because not being alone and having people liking me is the worst feeling.

So make an effort, dont think too much about how good it is, just enjoy it. I know its easy to just write this, but i hope you get a good experience out of that relationship.
 
H

hashtagnull

Member
Oct 27, 2021
15
Yes, I have had the same experience as both of you, feeling awful and self-sabotaging when people are nice/kind/good to me. It's too easy to believe that everything will turn to shit, that people will only want to use and hurt you, when you've experienced that before. It can feel impossible to trust, especially in the hard times.
Now I'm all alone and totally miserable, so I'd encourage you to hold onto the good things, the positive things, people who make you happy. Maybe you could get therapy? I don't know the answer, but I do think it's important to fight for the good life. It's so easy to fall back into those dark beliefs.
 
T

timf

Mage
Mar 26, 2020
559
Someone who has had their trust betrayed often develops reflexes that work to protect them from future pain.

There was a British officer that wrote about his experiences as a Japanese POW in WWII in a book called "King Rat". He wrote a later book called "Noble House" about Hong Kong in the 1960s. In the later book he inserted a minor character that represented himself. In a conversation with another character, he allows himself to comment that those who have had his experiences do not look at life the same way as others.

Just as a person who has been in a severe car accident may carry the physical effects for the rest of his life, a person with emotional injuries may face a similar process of recovery.

A person who has been through a traumatic event may may react with agoraphobia, just refuse to go to certain parts of town, or simply avoid certain types of people. This exclusionary reaction is understandable.

What can be beneficial is a process of slow steps in opening up and trusting others again. That your recent situation is progressing slowly is a healthy sign of self-protection. Sometimes a traumatic experience teaches us about a characteristic someone may have that we should have recognized earlier and now more easily and quickly recognize such that those with this characteristic are more quickly avoided.
 
BitterlyAlive_

BitterlyAlive_

-
Dec 8, 2020
2,062
I’m very glad to hear that things seem to be improving. Good job on establishing what kind of relationship you both want it to be, too. It’s easy to get caught up in emotions and past pains, making unhealthy relationships. But you guys sound like you’re doing good.

It’s very difficult to allow yourself to be respected and loved. I understand it. We’re not used to it. It’s confusing and goes against what we know. But it seems like it’s worth it to let someone in like that. I wish for the best for you both. Hugs. :hug::heart:
 
Angst Filled Fuck Up

Angst Filled Fuck Up

Super duper enlightened
Sep 9, 2018
1,585
Makes sense to me. It's a bit like the old lament I hear from other dudes like "women only like assholes." I never really believed that. What it is, is that people are familiar with dysfunction and trust it more than others being nice to them. Good treatment is seen as manipulative and feels off somehow. And nobody realizes just how much bad treatment the average woman has endured in her life. Trauma and abuse turn us upside down and make everything backwards.

Anyway, I am also glad you're on the right track. Keep communicating with this person and address any problems or resentment early on. Good luck to you <3
 
N

netrezven

Arcanist
Dec 13, 2018
472
When betrayals come all over again it’s impossible to even think for a second that something is real or will last long. And till the right person comes it’s already too late, cause the chances are you both will be damaged and paranoid. The only fix is to have fun and just that.
 
M

m13here

Member
Oct 16, 2021
11
I am suicidal still but I am trying. Good developments have happened in my life recently and it is something to celebrate, I wanted to rant a little.

This is something I heard before, mostly in Dr. K videos(if you don't know him, he is a psychiatrist streamer, I think he is very insightful and enjoy his content). I was listening to him today and he mentioned this phenomenon again. A person who was physically/sexually/emotionally abused in relationships before ends up in a healthy relationship with a gentle, warm, empathetic, respectful person. They get overwhelmed and anxious and don't understand what the hell this person is going to do or what their motive is, it scares them on this instinctual level. If they haven't been getting help with their trauma they might even leave or sabotage it.

Earlier this year before I joined SS I ended up making an account for reddit and posting on this domestic violence subreddit. It was my first time telling my story in so much detail, and they said this story was pretty bad and that I needed therapy/support. Until then it was something I just kind of kept to myself and mentioned to my best friend sometimes. Later this year, still prior to joining SS I saw that my school was offering therapy services through our tuition, so I took advantage and got hooked up with a psychologist who specializes in traumatic events. When I told my story she said that I'm lucky to be alive and that I'm describing a very extreme and unwell person. It feels like such a blur and I have this inability to see it as extreme as others seem to, I think I was so hollow and shutdown back then that I've never processed it as quite that bad. I got diagnosed with PTSD. Up until then I didn't think I lived through anything that would give me that. In retrospect it makes sense. Maybe because of SJW anti-tumbr memes during the 2014-2016 era of the internet, it never occurred to me that I was actually getting triggered by things. Certain topics would make me seize up and make my heart race, when my dad tried to wake me up for something in the morning I woke up screaming from being touched, when a girl at work grabbed my shoulders from behind I involuntarily screamed, but I didn't think any of this was a symptom of anything. I just thought I was weird and bad and stupid. I guess it felt liberating being diagnosed because it made sense of a lot of behaviors that had no explanation before.

Anyways, I felt a lot of relief but I was pretty suicidal this year. I still feel suicidal pretty often. I joined SS and started posting. I eventually broke and told my best friend how I had suicidal intent, and we both agreed I could wait some more time and that if things are still painful 3 or 4 years from now that my method wouldn't go anywhere. It was because she was venting to me about this guy threatening her with suicide and trying to manipulate her over something very petty. As she was venting she said "if someone I care about was feeling suicidal I would really want them to feel they could tell me". I felt guilty about that sentence for some weeks and told her, which prompted our discussion.

In the beginning of October I met this person I instantly clicked with. There was this strange feeling with how easily we connected socially, as if I was reconnecting with an old friend rather than meeting someone new. Within a few weeks we had crushes on each other, we were talking more and spending most of our free time together. I was not actively looking for love when we met, but I really wanted it again. We came to want a relationship together and so now we are in one. We agreed to take it slow, I talked about my baggage and we both agreed we did not want codependence or a savior relationship, we wanted something normal and healthy. What was bothering me was that phenomenon I heard about in those previous mentioned videos is happening, where I am being treated with all this basic respect and kindness that it is terrifying me. I keep getting treated so well and feeling unsettled by it. This treatment is what I've wanted so badly my whole life but unfamiliar territory is scary at first. I keep wondering if a bad person is lurking underneath and this is all a ploy, but there is nothing that would indicate that. I am in my late 20s and this might be my first healthy relationship, and I am happy about this. I feel so fortunate and lucky.
I struggle with accepting a compliment.
I'm happy for you ♥️
 
  • Like
Reactions: blueclover_.

Similar threads