Nothing left to keep me out of paradise.
- May 27, 2022
Hello. It's been a long time since I've visited this site. I've been dealing with a lot of confusion lately. As the title suggests, I made my plan and had all of my resources lined up. Everything was ready. I think that if things hadn't changed for me this weekend would have been the time that I did it. (I had planned to go early August at the latest.) I was continuing my life, feeling like someone that was already dead, and that brought the feeling of carelessness with it. I think the carelessness that I had for my life freed me from the need to please and be accepted by others. After living my life without the crushing weight of others' expectations, my urge to CTB dissolved. I didn't notice it until several weeks had passed without the desire to die. I stopped feeling like an abject failure and started to feel like a person who is full of potential. I'm still a little confused, it feels foreign to look forwards to the future and it's prospects. Regardless, for the time being, I am living this way and I think this is something I could get used to. So, here's to recovery.