Circles

Circles

There's a difference between existing and living.
Sep 3, 2018
2,051
Let me preface to say that I may have a hard time explaining this. I know this might not sound so bad to you but I feel horribly conflicted like I’m some ball being passed back and forth between being suicidal and entertaining the idea of recovery. You know I’ve read and heard so many cliches over the years but one stuck out that doesn’t sound so bad which is ‘you have nothing to lose.’ Now I know it’s different for everyone and I’m not looking to argue only saying that it’s convincing me that if I’m going to kill myself why not try one last time cause it’s not like I have anything to lose right? I don’t know. This false hope I’m feeling feels weird because I realize I’ve woken up to the mess of my life that I have to fix if I really to want to try to change things.

I’ve been planning on killing myself on and off for the past few years and still no luck. I feel since I can’t kill myself then maybe I should redirect my attention to trying to somehow get better before things get worse again which they always seem to do. I feel ultimately stuck like I’m in this limbo state between worlds, between life and death. I’ve invested sooo much fucking time in the idea of suicide and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. Being suicidal for so long lead me nowhere and I’m already scared of what my life has become. I want to try so badly to change however much I can to see if anything can ‘help’ but my life has shown nothing good happens to me. I’m already having doubts about this. Am I being foolish and naive in wanting to try? I’m 27 years old and sure I’m young but I feel old and that there’s so much of my health problems that limits my ability to act my own age let alone find the will to live. You see now I feel like I’m making excuses when I should be trying to convince myself of trying. I keep wondering how long will this false hope last this time before I crash down again, but this time it feels different. I feel so lost and stuck.
 
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Pluto

Pluto

Meowing to go out
Dec 27, 2020
1,425
Sometimes it is the situation that is messed up and we are doing the best we can while being tossed about on the stormy seas of our inner state.

The biggest danger is attempting recovery in a half-hearted, self-defeating way that almost ensures failure. Then approaching suicide the same way because of 'hope'. In my own case, I've organised everything I need to CTB so my latest attempt at recovery is far more motivated than anything before. Wishing you the best!
 
little helpers

little helpers

did I tie the tourniquet on my arm or on my neck?
Dec 14, 2021
519
Let me preface to say that I may have a hard time explaining this. I know this might not sound so bad to you but I feel horribly conflicted like I’m some ball being passed back and forth between being suicidal and entertaining the idea of recovery. You know I’ve read and heard so many cliches over the years but one stuck out that doesn’t sound so bad which is ‘you have nothing to lose.’ Now I know it’s different for everyone and I’m not looking to argue only saying that it’s convincing me that if I’m going to kill myself why not try one last time cause it’s not like I have anything to lose right? I don’t know. This false hope I’m feeling feels weird because I realize I’ve woken up to the mess of my life that I have to fix if I really to want to try to change things.

I’ve been planning on killing myself on and off for the past few years and still no luck. I feel since I can’t kill myself then maybe I should redirect my attention to trying to somehow get better before things get worse again which they always seem to do. I feel ultimately stuck like I’m in this limbo state between worlds, between life and death. I’ve invested sooo much fucking time in the idea of suicide and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. Being suicidal for so long lead me nowhere and I’m already scared of what my life has become. I want to try so badly to change however much I can to see if anything can ‘help’ but my life has shown nothing good happens to me. I’m already having doubts about this. Am I being foolish and naive in wanting to try? I’m 27 years old and sure I’m young but I feel old and that there’s so much of my health problems that limits my ability to act my own age let alone find the will to live. You see now I feel like I’m making excuses when I should be trying to convince myself of trying. I keep getting on wrong how long will this false hope last this time before I crash down again, but this time it feels different. I feel so lost and stuck.

honestly I’m with you there. like I’m now being kept alive anyways (been on family’s suicide watch these days. real fucking nice gift huh? Santa gave me that. /s), I better entertain myself and everyone I care about cuz I’d have to live for a while no matter what. personally I’m not entertaining the thought of “recovery”. I quoted it simply becuz I don’t quite get where that’s going at. what people get or want out of it. see, that’s the different life stages we’re going through, possibly. I guess if you feel you got a stake in “recovery”, that means you’re keeping both options on your side. true options. not “I’d have to die so please allow me”. this is ZERO attack at our autonomy, at pro-choice, when I am for *and* need these very things myself. that’s just how I’d describe my own situation. maybe others can relate. I got my own theories about suicidality and suicide.

and as a long-time addict, long for my own age, I have seen/heard the *exact* same sorta things you been saying much of my life. many I tell myself. ‘cept it’s with addiction, drug (including alcohol) use. a good deal on EDs and SH as well. I recognize this in an instant. I’m not too certain what it implies in your case. it sounds fucked-up saying someone got addicted to suicidality. but I’m open to that interpretation if you identify with that.

keep us posted. <3
 
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timf

Elementalist
Mar 26, 2020
822
It is not unusual for people to feel pulled in two different directions. If you are transitioning from a mostly suicidal inclination to a more recovery inclination, you will have the conflicting influences.

Some come to consider suicide because their focus in life has been on despair. This can feed on itself as such a narrow focus tends to amplify despair. However, if one begins to pursue recovery and widen one's perspective, more light can enter, control be found, and incrementally much of what was neglected can be built on a newer and more solid foundation.
 
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UpandDownPrincess

UpandDownPrincess

Warlock
Dec 31, 2019
773
You're not alone. I think many of us here in Recovery battle with the same issues.

Although I am not suicidal atm, I cannot bring myself to discard my means. I just can't. I think about getting rid of everything and then there is always a small voice in my head that says, "Not so fast..."

The difference between when I was actively suicidal and now is that my life is a bit better. More than a bit if I let myself acknowledge it. I do have a stable of doctors and spend a lot of time keeping appointments, managing meds and scheduling lab work and results calls. It's certainly not ideal, but it's better than it was.

For me, the ambivalence is something I've learned to live with. I've come to accept that I have a foot in both worlds and that it's okay.

I think learning to be with discomfort and competing thoughts is one of the hardest things to do. It takes a lot of patience and practice to get comfortable with sitting with difficult feelings and not jumping to react or trying to make them go away. I contend that this has become a societal problem: the idea that everything must be fixed and that any situation can be dramatically improved. Sometimes it can't be made better and the challenge becomes to accept the badness or the sadness and keep on going in that state.

Hopefully, with time, you can come to accept holding both of these feelings at the same time. Having thoughts of ctb doesn't mean you have to act on them or that they have to control your life. They are not necessarily more important than other thoughts and they do not cancel out your other feelings. They're just there with all the others.
 
Chaestergram

Chaestergram

Free spirit
Nov 24, 2021
86
This is totally normal, first of all recovering is a very long path and is done throughout our entire life but it is not hopeless, it takes time, courage and dedication to it but it is always so easy to fall back to old habits/old way of thinking as there will be so many triggers presenting themselves to you but the thing is to keep being stronger than it.

It has been 2 years I was working on myself, focusing on recovery and healing but I had a major trigger and here am back to going back to old habits and suicidal thoughts but I know that this time I am far more stronger than all those thoughts and that it is indeed temporary even if with all honesty it feels like forever.

So do each things at a time, it is not a race, you have to give yourself the time you need for it, be patient with yourself, you already made it to your late 20’s so you can definitely give yourself more time to recover.
 
N

nubbymon

Member
Dec 24, 2021
6
Let me preface to say that I may have a hard time explaining this. I know this might not sound so bad to you but I feel horribly conflicted like I’m some ball being passed back and forth between being suicidal and entertaining the idea of recovery. You know I’ve read and heard so many cliches over the years but one stuck out that doesn’t sound so bad which is ‘you have nothing to lose.’ Now I know it’s different for everyone and I’m not looking to argue only saying that it’s convincing me that if I’m going to kill myself why not try one last time cause it’s not like I have anything to lose right? I don’t know. This false hope I’m feeling feels weird because I realize I’ve woken up to the mess of my life that I have to fix if I really to want to try to change things.

I’ve been planning on killing myself on and off for the past few years and still no luck. I feel since I can’t kill myself then maybe I should redirect my attention to trying to somehow get better before things get worse again which they always seem to do. I feel ultimately stuck like I’m in this limbo state between worlds, between life and death. I’ve invested sooo much fucking time in the idea of suicide and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. Being suicidal for so long lead me nowhere and I’m already scared of what my life has become. I want to try so badly to change however much I can to see if anything can ‘help’ but my life has shown nothing good happens to me. I’m already having doubts about this. Am I being foolish and naive in wanting to try? I’m 27 years old and sure I’m young but I feel old and that there’s so much of my health problems that limits my ability to act my own age let alone find the will to live. You see now I feel like I’m making excuses when I should be trying to convince myself of trying. I keep wondering how long will this false hope last this time before I crash down again, but this time it feels different. I feel so lost and stuck.
I think about suicide every day. But I also try every possible option, every day, to want to live. A lot of that is because I’ve seen what suicide does to family and friends who are left behind. Part of it is a bit of hope that something will help me. I have the means so that is not a concern. I just don’t think I can scar anyone else for life and be misunderstood as “selfish”. For that reason, I try to enlighten people about depression and what it’s like to try to live with it. I’m as open as possible with people about my illness. I appear pretty normal, so maybe by sharing I can help someone help somebody else. I know I always have my exit plans. But thinking about it and doing it are very different things. I still have a shred of hope. Today I saw bluebirds - that was a moment of joy. I cling to moments.

Try journaling for some insight into your situation. If you haven’t tried every available option for help, keep trying. Meditation, groups, AA, exercise, art, nature, of course therapy and medication - give yourself every chance to succeed. Self-love is vital. You ARE worth saving. You always have an out. But I’m sure there’s someone who cares that you’re still here.
 
k75

k75

L'appel du Vide
Jun 27, 2019
2,542
I'm struggling with this. I decided to really give recovery a shot. But I feel like I still have one foot out the door all the time. I'm not sure how to do anything if I can't commit to either.

Lately, it's been especially bad. I'm losing my anchors again. I didn't realize how badly I was starting to spiral until I had a stroke-like incident recently. In the ambulance, I was asked if I wanted to be resuscitated if something happened. I've never been asked that before, and the question caught me off guard. I ended up signing a DNR. It felt like I was killing myself, and I still can't figure out if that's what I really wanted or how I feel about it. I want to be better, but I think I'd do it again.

My heart stopped for several seconds after that. I was both scared and relieved. I think I'm firmly split in two. I'm at war with my own mind again. I can't get rid of the feelings that I'm just a fraud. I keep wanting to make a life I can be happy in again, but everything is crumbling around me and I find myself wondering why I'm trying.
 
Depressed Cat

Depressed Cat

-
Jan 4, 2022
567
No, you're not messed up at all!

In fact, this happens to many people, even here on the forum. People feel extremely suicidal and desperately want to CTB, but there might be something holding them back and they want to recover for that reason.

The reason could be anything. For some, it could be the worry that they're leaving a spouse/partner/minor children behind. For others, it could be that they don't want to hurt their parents by CTB. For others, it could be the fact that they haven't sorted out all their affairs yet. And so on and so forth.

Different people have different reasons for feeling like you do, so you're not alone by any means.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best.
 
avoid_slow_death

avoid_slow_death

Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
Feb 4, 2020
1,165
Bro, I have stated this before and I will say it again because I TRULY believe this. A vast majority of us, (note I said MAJORITY, not all,) don't want to TRULY die. Most of us wish for things in our lives or others lives or the world or a combination of those things to be better. More to our liking. Unfortunately, this oftentimes doesn't come to pass or it does and then something happens to take it from us, hence, our desire to want to have nothing to do with life anymore.

You're not "wrong" or "messed up" for thinking the way you do. In fact, I think it's rather admirable that you put so much thought into this. Shows you want to make a decision of ABSOLUTE certainty. To me that is thoughtful and very mature. You have my deepest sympathies, regards and well wishes and I truly hope you find the peace of mind you seek my friend. Much love.
 
NotSureToEndure

NotSureToEndure

Professor of not a lot
Aug 17, 2020
115
It seems a lot of us are in the same boat. Some wise words spoken in this thread, including in the OP. I feel exactly the same to be honest. I've had suicidal ideations come and go throughout my adult life, but more so in the last few years, along with undiagnosed health conditions.

I feel I have reached a dead end with doctors in trying to work out what my problems are and that is tiring and does damage my levels of hope.

I tend to go round in cycles, whereby I will be focusing hard on a particular date because that's when I might be getting an answer to my medical mysteries. Then the date comes and goes, and nothing changes. Only my level of hope drops harder. Add in the uncertainty of the pandemic and we have a recipe for a pretty shitty time. I feel like i'm getting to the point where I need just accept my pain and try to do everything I can to make them better.. which means compromising on a lot of things, which sucks.

I am still torn though, and I, like you am still no closer to knowing if I should go through with it or not.

I think the main thing keeping me here are some loved ones, who I know I would crush emotionally if I left by CTB. Part of me thinks I would be doing them a favour though, but I know that they would be upset to hear me say that.

I wish you peace in whatever you decide to do.