Traveler VII

Sep 9, 2022
Pleasant Greetings, Dearest Members.

Having experienced suicidal ideation since my late teens (late 1990's), and making my very first attempt in late 2020,
I know firsthand the difficulty of finding people with whom I could share some sort of judgement-free rapport.

As a youth, I had a comfortable life - in a material sense - while being raised in a religious household. But I was a very quiet and malleable child with a very controlling mother (who I much later realized had her own issues), and through coercion, she eventually took something very precious from me - my autonomy - and put me on a path of her choosing. My lack of courage and resolve at that time still haunts me to this day.

Even as a child, I had a tendency to be very deliberate - I knew that an impulsive suicide attempt could go horribly wrong in so many ways. All the same, I didn't want to live to my present age, but here I am, still living and still wanting to leave this life. 😐

I know that a number of you here have shared your experiences, and they are heartbreaking. The lack of understanding from other people in our lives seems to have brought many of us here - our perspectives tend to be overwhelming, even to us.

Like you, I don't have the power to undo what this life has done to us. And though I've never truly been a religious person, I strongly sense that actual Divine Intervention could be the one thing that sets everything right. Of course, I know many feel differently, and this is completely understandable - belief in divinity doesn't suit everyone and religion has largely earned a putrid status in the eyes of many.

I feel somewhat comforted in that my choice to CTB will not be accompanied by a dread of the hereafter, as the religious beliefs of my upbringing present a limited, predetermined number of individuals entering heaven (not me!) and no place of eternal torment. The dead are simply non-existent.

With that said, I've personally never felt comfortable writing out bittersweet goodbyes and well-wishes to imminently suicidal individuals, but I can see why some here do - the world outside is an exceedingly harsh one.

I'm sorry for the lengthy post (I'm a deliberate type, remember?) Thank you for reading this far and I look forward to the unique insights each of you will bring to this forum.

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Wish that I was gone
Sep 24, 2020
I also don’t fear that there is an afterlife. I’ve never believed in one. The thought of death has always been comforting to me as I believe that once we die, we simply cease to exist and that is it for us. Eternal sleep really does sound ideal. I wish you the best with your plans and I hope that you find freedom from all suffering.