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InsidiousDormouse

Member
Jul 3, 2018
79
I have other really horrible symptoms now too which I am almost certain are related to the benzo withdrawal. I am bleeding every month in between my periods, which makes me think I have cancer even though I probably do not, I watched both my biological dad and my stepdad die slowly from cancer. I am going out on my terms, not the terms of some vile disease. I am sure the bleeding is making me feel even more sick and weak, nothing shows up on bloods or anything. Maybe it's hormonal, some kind of imbalance from the withdrawal? Does it really matter anymore? I am not planning on being here long enough for it to matter.

Some days I am too tired to even get the stuff I need to make my exit. Then I have to somehow sneak it past my husband, who if he found my helium tank (I think I need two) he would think it was to get high on, as he thinks you can 'get high' on everything and has devised some really devious behaviours designed to constantly 'test' me and my mental capacity.

One such behaviour is constant scratching, shoving his fingers up his nose, into his ears, the lot, just to see if I am awake enough to notice. He is adamant this is nothing to do with me, but I say if it's not, then see the doctor about your skin problem.

Another is asking me really dumb, obvious questions, getting dates and times wrong on purpose to see if I pick up on it. The problem is he tells me it's because he's stupid, no, he is far from stupid I assure you.

I love him, but it feels as if he throws that all back into my face because he cannot let go of the past. If he had a past like mine, someone else's drug use that did not effect him would be the least of his bad memories. He has nothing in his life to focus on since he lost his job due to disability. We're both disabled, but he openly DENIES my Asperger's Syndrome, to the point I tore his phone out of his hand yesterday while he was trying to convince my mum I was capable of working. I can't even walk more than a few yards, I can barely lift my arms on some days, I am more disabled physically now and he fails to realise that too.

I have openly told him I would love to be dead, I have told him I am planning on it, you know what happened? He didn't even hear me. Never even listened to me and I said it more than once, even told him I have the means to do it right under his nose in the house, which was a bit of a lie as I haven't completed my entire 'kit' yet but nevertheless, same reaction, nothing. I may as well have told the walls. It was a risk I took for an experiment, and I proved it to myself, everything I say to him isn't even heard. I don't think he will miss me. I am too much of a burden and a weight on people around me for them to really miss me for long.

I miss my friends more than anyone will miss me. I miss them because they were the first real social circle I had. I would go to their houses, talk with them and play with their kids, it was a small shred of normality in a less than awful existence. Asperger's Syndrome made sure I could never be social or have friends, and then when I could, benzo withdrawal took it all from me, it's as if it was never meant to be

How do you deal with the thought of leaving the people you love and care about forever when you make your exit? It's bugging me all the time, I can't fathom how they will react.
 
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