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Phil8888

Member
Aug 10, 2018
28
Hi everyone.

I suffer with crippling Agoraphobia, Panic Disorder and Generalised Anxiety Disorder.

These are the illnesses that are pushing me to suicide as I can not bear the anxiety no more. I have tried every drug and treatment but nothing works.

After reading through the forums it made me wonder something.

Are there any other people wanting to kill themselves because of Anxiety?

It seems common. But does anxiety make you want to kill yourself?

Look forward to any replies.
 
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undertherainbow

Member
Sep 21, 2018
80
My PTSD is what brings me over the edge. Just the other day, I turned on my water faucet, and I just saw blood coming out instead of water. I still cannot go to a doctor without a full fledge attack . I take 6 pills a day for my anxiety alone, still nothing.
 
Circles

Circles

There's a difference between existing and living.
Sep 3, 2018
1,733
I'm the same I get frequent anxiety/panic attacks over the littlest shit like hearing loud noises or being in a crowd. I feel on edge most days especially when the existential dread/anxiety kicks in full gear and I am left feeling hollow and lost.
 
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Phil8888

Member
Aug 10, 2018
28
I'm the same I get frequent anxiety/panic attacks over the littlest shit like hearing loud noises or being in a crowd. I feel on edge most days especially when the existential dread/anxiety kicks in full gear and I am left feeling hollow and lost.
Yep. That sounds very very familiar. Panic attacks are not easy to live with are they? The constant feelings of anxiety and fear are awful. How long have you been suffering?
 
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Maggotymaggots

-
Apr 18, 2018
54
I have terrible social anxiety. I feel that everything that comes out of my mouth is so painfully stupid. I'm so awkward and hopelessly out of place around people. I'm simply a complete failure of a human being and I'm sure I make that apparent to almost everyone.

Even if I somehow manage to come across well, the only thing I feel that I've succeeded at is fooling someone into believing I'm worthy of their time and attention. I know I'll just slip up at some point and say or do something particularly stupid, and they'll see me for what I really am and want nothing more to do with me.

I seem to remember every stupid thing I've ever said or done in front of someone. I try to add as little more as possible to that collection of memories. Lord knows I have enough already. Honestly, I often feel an immense desire to just hide away from everything and everyone, but I know that's childish.

My anxiety's not the only reason I want to end my life, but it's definitely a large contributing factor. Sorry if I went on for too long. I tend to.
 
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undertherainbow

Member
Sep 21, 2018
80
How do you mean?
We have four pets, 1 of which is somewhat exotic. Trying to teach my husband how to take care of her so the poor thing doesn't die. I think he's purposefully refusing to learn. Im also trying to handle business accts and what not so it goes to the right people, undetected. I have a lot of "cleaning house" stuff if you will. I'm trying to make my leaving as clean and painless for him as possible. My parents are insane, literally insane, and they will probably blame him and make his life hell.
 
DreamFreedom

DreamFreedom

Thane
Oct 3, 2018
68
I have terrible social anxiety. I feel that everything that comes out of my mouth is so painfully stupid. I'm so awkward and hopelessly out of place around people. I'm simply a complete failure of a human being and I'm sure I make that apparent to almost everyone.

Even if I somehow manage to come across well, the only thing I feel that I've succeeded at is fooling someone into believing I'm worthy of their time and attention. I know I'll just slip up at some point and say or do something particularly stupid, and they'll see me for what I really am and want nothing more to do with me.

I seem to remember every stupid thing I've ever said or done in front of someone. I try to add as little more as possible to that collection of memories. Lord knows I have enough already. Honestly, I often feel an immense desire to just hide away from everything and everyone, but I know that's childish.

My anxiety's not the only reason I want to end my life, but it's definitely a large contributing factor. Sorry if I went on for too long. I tend to.
^ this. You worded it perfectly.
 
Rollo

Rollo

No pasaran
Aug 13, 2018
460
The only reason I'm asking what I'm asking is I too once had an anxiety issue, panic attacks all that. And the way I see it I actually was a coward. A pussy that is. This is not to say I despise myself but it's just what it is - they don't refer to some people as pussies for no reason and the way I was fit the bill.

It's just when you see yourself as having 'anxiety disorder' you see it as if you have a problem with feeling. Like if you had a sore throat. And no problem with behaviour. No problem with life attitude. And so you want to tone this feeling down the way alcohol tones it down. Before the drink you're too uptight to sing in the shower, after drink you're singing in the streets. Without addressing anything. But while alcohol can do it in short-term, I don't know of any way to healthily achieve it long term except to directly address the issue.
 
Red star

Red star

-
Sep 15, 2018
208
The only reason I'm asking what I'm asking is I too once had an anxiety issue, panic attacks all that. And the way I see it I actually was a coward. A pussy that is. This is not to say I despise myself but it's just what it is - they don't refer to some people as pussies for no reason and the way I was fit the bill.

It's just when you see yourself as having 'anxiety disorder' you see it as if you have a problem with feeling. Like if you had a sore throat. And no problem with behaviour. No problem with life attitude. And so you want to tone this feeling down the way alcohol tones it down. Before the drink you're too uptight to sing in the shower, after drink you're singing in the streets. Without addressing anything. But while alcohol can do it in short-term, I don't know of any way to healthily achieve it long term except to directly address the issue.

Could be to many things and addressing the issue doesn't mean it stays healed. What you're saying is what we've all heard before, "be more tough" etc.etc. and is on the toxic masculinity spectrum.
 
Rollo

Rollo

No pasaran
Aug 13, 2018
460
Could be to many things and addressing the issue doesn't mean it stays healed. What you're saying is what we've all heard before, "be more tough" etc.etc. and is on the toxic masculinity spectrum.

What you mean 'could be to many things'? Addressing the issue means just that - you address the issue. You start the healing. It's the only way if you aim at solving the problem by any other way than suicide. 'Be more tough' is very rough and simplistic way to put it but I guess you can put it this way. I don't know why you consider being tough 'toxic' (to me it's rather the other way around) and it's not necessarily 'masculinity' (many women are tougher than many men). Still if the actual problem is you're not being tough, then the only solution is to be tough.

It's like you say 'I have a problem I have a I-occasionally-stab-myself-in-my-stomach disorder', so doctor goes 'there are things to consider here, why you do it etc, but to put it roughly the solution is you stopping doing it to yourself'. And you go 'Oh all this 'stop stabing yourself' stuff etc etc, I heard it all before - it's on toxic pussy-ass spectrum so no thank you'.
 
Red star

Red star

-
Sep 15, 2018
208
What you mean 'could be to many things'? Addressing the issue means just that - you address the issue. You start the healing. It's the only way if you aim at solving the problem by any other way than suicide. 'Be more tough' is very rough and simplistic way to put it but I guess you can put it this way. I don't know why you consider being tough 'toxic' (to me it's rather the other way around) and it's not necessarily 'masculinity' (many women are tougher than many men). Still if the actual problem is you're not being tough, then the only solution is to be tough.

It's like you say 'I have a problem I have a I-occasionally-stab-myself-in-my-stomach disorder', so doctor goes 'there are things to consider here, why you do it etc, but to put it roughly the solution is you stopping doing it to yourself'. And you go 'Oh all this 'stop stabing yourself' stuff etc etc, I heard it all before - it's on toxic pussy-ass spectrum so no thank you'.


Good job that you were able to overcome your anxiety. However telling people to just be more tough and just address the issue lacks perspective because you're assuming they haven't already.

Then I point out for some of us even if you adress the issue it doesn't mean it stays solved when it could be such a prolonged experience that its programmed in you. Due to multiple issues, traumas, subconscious shit, core beliefs.

You know what's helped me with anxiety is hypnosis. Telling myself that I'm a pussy coward does not help.
 
Rollo

Rollo

No pasaran
Aug 13, 2018
460
Good job that you were able to overcome your anxiety. However telling people to just be more tough and just address the issue lacks perspective because you're assuming they haven't already.

Then I point out for some of us even if you adress the issue it doesn't mean it stays solved when it could be such a prolonged experience that its programmed in you. Due to multiple issues, traumas, subconscious shit, core beliefs.

You know what's helped me with anxiety is hypnosis. Telling myself that I'm a pussy coward does not help.

You see we're talking about different things. When you say 'address the issue' you mean you know there's some bullshit reality, bullshit feeling, in your life you call 'anxiety' which makes you miserable. So you want to tone this feeling down or disperse of it whatsoever. To this end you're willing to do something like take drugs, do hypnosis or really do whatever. So that bullshit feeling is gone and you have some ease. I understand you did hipnosis, it brought some ease but this ease didn't stay for long. Just like alcohol effect doesn't stay long.

So yeah you addressed the issue in a way but I would rather say you addressed the situation. Because issue to me is always about behaviour. And the first step is to clearly understand what the issue is. You can't overcome anxiety untill you understand what 'overcoming anxiety' actually means and unless it's something you actually want or at least willing to do. I'm not telling anyone to be tough yet and I'm not telling anyone to tell themselves that they're pussy (which would be some sort of self-hypnosis).

I'm asking. Do YOU actually believe you're a pussy? Apart from self-despisal part. Do you believe there's some unhealthy danger dodging going on on your part?
 
Rollo

Rollo

No pasaran
Aug 13, 2018
460
You're not answering the question though. One way or another.

You have to excuse me - unlike yourself I don't really know what you did and I only go by what you say here. And I didn't tell you that you didn't put the work in. I said to me the issue is strictly behaviour so unless you adress specific behaviour you don't address the issue. That's just how I see it. I see now that you gave your situation some thought and came to some conclusions. I'm not saying you haven't done anything about it.

About them conclusions though. I disagree that emotions in general are signal that something wrong. Still I agree about specifically anxiety emotion. Although I would rather put it - signal that danger is looming. I never said that it's some made up reality.

I also agree that when you have repeated negative experinces with something you will naturally have a response-emotion - anxiety. Still I don't understand - if you yourself consider this response as natural why would you want to reprogram it? Like if I go to certain places and get repeatedly fucked up there - naturally when I consider visiting it next time anxiety arises. Like a help from life, a signal that I may be going into danger. And then I decide whether to avoid this possible danger or to go into it cause it's worth it. Why would you want to reprogram this? And if you do want to reprogram this why it's not like alcohol? Alcohol basically does the same thing - it dulls down your sense of danger. Ofcourse alcohol have other effects that make it rather not suitable as medicine, but this particular effect is same to me.

Or is it your inevitable danger-dodging actions as a response to your emotion that you want to reprogram? Then the same question - if you consider those natural and healthy why to reprogram those?

You may be correct about self-trust in my view. If you don't believe you will be able to handle something then you believe you likely end up sore and thus anxiety. Like when you consider driving a car, never having done it before. Still I personally don't think you can do anything about this belief except that it will change after you successfully handle things or simply become bolder. But to handle them you need to actually go into handling them, which anxiety prevents. So addressing anxiety is a foremost business here. And anxiety is not necessarily about self-trust either. Like health anxiety was a big thing for me when I would get panic attacks whenether I feel something which may be a symptom. Or panic attacks and anxiety simply walking the streets, let alone being in rowdy situation. Self-trust or no self-trust - the possibility of death, injury or any loss of well-being is what's important here and what triggered my panic attacks.
 
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Phil8888

Member
Aug 10, 2018
28
I have terrible social anxiety. I feel that everything that comes out of my mouth is so painfully stupid. I'm so awkward and hopelessly out of place around people. I'm simply a complete failure of a human being and I'm sure I make that apparent to almost everyone.

Even if I somehow manage to come across well, the only thing I feel that I've succeeded at is fooling someone into believing I'm worthy of their time and attention. I know I'll just slip up at some point and say or do something particularly stupid, and they'll see me for what I really am and want nothing more to do with me.

I seem to remember every stupid thing I've ever said or done in front of someone. I try to add as little more as possible to that collection of memories. Lord knows I have enough already. Honestly, I often feel an immense desire to just hide away from everything and everyone, but I know that's childish.

My anxiety's not the only reason I want to end my life, but it's definitely a large contributing factor. Sorry if I went on for too long. I tend to.

Thank you for sharing your story. I am really sorry to hear how you are suffering. It sounds really bad.
 
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millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,036
Despite the fact anxiety ruined any chances I had of having a "normal" life, it isn't the reason I want to kill myself. It is so bad. Anxiety is like a filter, and so many things are subject to it. Say I am thinking about going to the market. The idea is quickly filtered by anxiety, and it will respond with an abrupt burst of feelings and the physical reaction that come with the feelings.

More often than not, the reaction is not positive. It will happen over and over and over again. No matter how many times I think about some things, it will trigger an anxiety reaction. There are things I experienced as a kid, that if I think about, will trigger an anxiety reaction. To make things worse, I have been assaulted a bunch of times and it worsened my anxiety considerably. I struggle so much with leaving the house... And I don't like leaving it, in the first place, so... yeah, it is rough.

As for panic attacks, those are rare for me. I had one a few months back, when taking my dog for a walk. It was about 5:30 AM (I like walking my dog early because there aren't a lot of people in the streets... A double edged sword, but still). There was this shirtless man walking towards me and he looked so much like a robber. Like the kind of people who have assaulted me in the past. I was so scared he would hurt my dog, I could only look down. In the end, nothing happened, but when I got home, I was cold sweating, breathing heavily, and feeling dizzy. My legs were cramping and shaking so much.

My ex-therapist called this a "cognitive disorder" and taught me a few tricks to try to temporarily overcome the anxiety, as it has no cure. It kind of worked at first, but not anymore.
 
mattwitt

mattwitt

# 978
Jun 28, 2018
2,304
I'm having some sort of an attack as I'm typing this. And it is the main reason why I want to ctb. I quit my job back in Nov. of 2017 because I couldn't handle these attacks at work anymore and I just can't go back to work because of them. Just waiting for my money to run out then it's time to meet my maker !
 
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Phil8888

Member
Aug 10, 2018
28
I'm having some sort of an attack as I'm typing this. And it is the main reason why I want to ctb. I quit my job back in Nov. of 2017 because I couldn't handle these attacks at work anymore and I just can't go back to work because of them. Just waiting for my money to run out then it's time to meet my maker !
Matt I'm really sorry to hear this. I am in a similar situation. Not easy is it mate? People think it must be great not working, but it is utterly miserable with no money and no life never knowing when you will be anxious from one minute to the next
 
Rollo

Rollo

No pasaran
Aug 13, 2018
460
Despite the fact anxiety ruined any chances I had of having a "normal" life, it isn't the reason I want to kill myself. It is so bad. Anxiety is like a filter, and so many things are subject to it. Say I am thinking about going to the market. The idea is quickly filtered by anxiety, and it will respond with an abrupt burst of feelings and the physical reaction that come with the feelings.

So would you say anxiety is a feeling, ie something happening to you? Or is it something you do, ie you're being anxious, worrying?
 
Rollo

Rollo

No pasaran
Aug 13, 2018
460
I'm having some sort of an attack as I'm typing this. And it is the main reason why I want to ctb. I quit my job back in Nov. of 2017 because I couldn't handle these attacks at work anymore and I just can't go back to work because of them. Just waiting for my money to run out then it's time to meet my maker !

Matt I'm really sorry to hear this. I am in a similar situation. Not easy is it mate? People think it must be great not working, but it is utterly miserable with no money and no life never knowing when you will be anxious from one minute to the next

So I have the same question for you guys. Do you believe anxiety and panic attacks is something happening to you or something you do?
 
Rollo

Rollo

No pasaran
Aug 13, 2018
460
It is not a feeling as in the emotion kind. It is like a brain stimulus/physical reaction. I can't control it, it just happens. Maybe my brain and nervous system are just faulty.

Well whether it's brain stimulus or nervous system you're saying anxiety is something that happens to you not something you do. It's just you probably heard how people are saying things like 'I panicked' or 'sometimes I worry too much'. So they mean their actions, something they do, not some physical reactions which are merely happening to them. Like somebody would panic by frantically trying to escape, screaming, constantly thinking about that which scares them, saying 'oh my god no please no' and many other actions which are basically opposite of somebody being chill.

So the question is then - are these things or are they not something you personally do?
 
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