F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,353
It was very strange today, I looked at all the material and planning my suicide and it was as if I suddenly felt like. Wait what the hell am I doing? It was as though something broke the tunnel vision that was very set on killing myself like immediately. Has this happened to anyone else. Where u don’t understand how u can swing from that state back to a normal state. Maybe it’s bipolar I don’t know. Something broke the spell and suddenly suicide made no sense to me. It’s quite a shift.
 
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comfortablydumb

-
Jun 19, 2018
148
It's probably because looking at the material makes it all real. Suicidal ideation is, after all, by definition a "fantasy". Actually setting up a contraption that will kill you takes it from thoughts and rumination to something that will actually end your life once you use it.

I have had my suicidal ideation drift off plenty of times, but never because I've entered into serious planning and/or obtained materials - I've never done that. Usually, it's been because of an improvement in my mood/motivation/outlook.

I've swung back now, and I know what you mean about how "confusing"/jarring/whatever that can be. "How could I feel one way just the other day, and a different way now?" It doesn't seem "right". But if anything, it underscores how fickle our emotional states can be. There are a few users on the forum who display this cocksure, grandiose idea that they have it all figured out - they see right through this risible charade that is existence and bla bla bla.

David Foster Wallace put it in more simple and modest terms - a suicidal person feels like they're in a burning building. They don't want to jump, but it's unbearable to stay in that building. I guess that some days, our inscrutable brain has us waking up in a different building.

All of the fancy talk about existential/philosophical angst or nihilism or what have you, it tends to smack of someone trying to convince themselves.
 
shattered dreams

shattered dreams

Student
Jun 5, 2018
132
It was very strange today, I looked at all the material and planning my suicide and it was as if I suddenly felt like. Wait what the hell am I doing? It was as though something broke the tunnel vision that was very set on killing myself like immediately. Has this happened to anyone else. Where u don’t understand how u can swing from that state back to a normal state. Maybe it’s bipolar I don’t know. Something broke the spell and suddenly suicide made no sense to me. It’s quite a shift.

So happy to hear this!:happy:
 
iamthezero

iamthezero

Fiend Queen
Jun 22, 2018
28
It was very strange today, I looked at all the material and planning my suicide and it was as if I suddenly felt like. Wait what the hell am I doing? It was as though something broke the tunnel vision that was very set on killing myself like immediately. Has this happened to anyone else. Where u don’t understand how u can swing from that state back to a normal state. Maybe it’s bipolar I don’t know. Something broke the spell and suddenly suicide made no sense to me. It’s quite a shift.
Honestly, that’s a pretty great thing to hear. Hope you can take the steps to figure it out.

For me I have BPD & BD and ive been off all my meds for a few months, so the in and out is a constant thing.
 
Ashpac

Ashpac

Lost and always will be.
Jul 22, 2018
797
Yes, my optimism has decided to take over today which is suprising since Ive only had 1 hour's sleep.
 
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C

Comatose11

Mage
Jul 26, 2018
576
I remember I once bought 200 pills and was planning to take them all. After a few handfuls, I wondered what I was doing. I had already taken around 100 pills at that point and deeply regretted it. I think the survival instinct kicked in.
 
iamthezero

iamthezero

Fiend Queen
Jun 22, 2018
28
I remember I once bought 200 pills and was planning to take them all. After a few handfuls, I wondered what I was doing. I had already taken around 100 pills at that point and deeply regretted it. I think the survival instinct kicked in.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve unintentionally saved my own life. Even the time I undid my seat belt once the car door was able to be opened and escaped....now i even look back sometimes like why the hell would i interfere, but that’s when things are bad.
 
Ashpac

Ashpac

Lost and always will be.
Jul 22, 2018
797
Try to take advantage of it while it’s here.

I have like 2 days a week when the optimism kicks in. It could be because the football season is starting soon, who knows :)
 
Ice Poseidon

Ice Poseidon

Member
Jul 3, 2018
25
It was very strange today, I looked at all the material and planning my suicide and it was as if I suddenly felt like. Wait what the hell am I doing? It was as though something broke the tunnel vision that was very set on killing myself like immediately. Has this happened to anyone else. Where u don’t understand how u can swing from that state back to a normal state. Maybe it’s bipolar I don’t know. Something broke the spell and suddenly suicide made no sense to me. It’s quite a shift.

I was so sure I was going to CTB, but I no longer want to.
Maybe I'm just going through a cycle.
I want to drag this existence out for now.
 
C

creatureoflight

Mage
Jul 27, 2018
531
I am very happy to hear that!!
Good luck to you!
 
Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
531
It's probably because looking at the material makes it all real. Suicidal ideation is, after all, by definition a "fantasy". Actually setting up a contraption that will kill you takes it from thoughts and rumination to something that will actually end your life once you use it.

I have had my suicidal ideation drift off plenty of times, but never because I've entered into serious planning and/or obtained materials - I've never done that. Usually, it's been because of an improvement in my mood/motivation/outlook.

I've swung back now, and I know what you mean about how "confusing"/jarring/whatever that can be. "How could I feel one way just the other day, and a different way now?" It doesn't seem "right". But if anything, it underscores how fickle our emotional states can be. There are a few users on the forum who display this cocksure, grandiose idea that they have it all figured out - they see right through this risible charade that is existence and bla bla bla.

David Foster Wallace put it in more simple and modest terms - a suicidal person feels like they're in a burning building. They don't want to jump, but it's unbearable to stay in that building. I guess that some days, our inscrutable brain has us waking up in a different building.

All of the fancy talk about existential/philosophical angst or nihilism or what have you, it tends to smack of someone trying to convince themselves.

i agree to this explanation.

Although that same thing doesn't occur to me, I kind of know how it feels. But I wonder if the strength of the ideation's will to be real will come back.
 
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Peekaf

Peekaf

Dem Bones
Jul 8, 2018
35
This happened to me when my son was born and lasted maybe 18 months. Now I’m ready to go, just have a few things to deal with before I do. I’ve got 3 or 4 days left at most
 
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