Volatile

Volatile

God
Jun 18, 2018
1,286
Thats the only thing holding me back.its going to break them. I’m in such agony and I was abused horribly as a child before they took me in. I have many other debilitating issues as well that they’re aware of. If anything, they should understand and have expected this. That rationalization doesn’t completely help though.

Also I can’t afford rent next month. They don’t have the money or connections to find me a place. I realize they would still care about me while I’m living in my car but I would be living in hell on earth during the experience. They live in a retirement home and can’t have me. I wish terribly that I could
be a kid or teen living with them again. It was so much better then

I started breaking down and crying as I started to put my stuff away in boxes :( I can’t imagine them having to empty out my apartment. It would hurt them so much but it’s hurting me too
 
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GrislyEgress

GrislyEgress

Member
Jul 15, 2018
19
My dad is gone and my mom hates my ass, so not really, but if your parents are there and offer assistance. Why not hear them out?
 
Volatile

Volatile

God
Jun 18, 2018
1,286
My dad is gone and my mom hates my ass, so not really, but if your parents are there and offer assistance. Why not hear them out?

There is no assistance. They can give a hug and an “I love you.” What breaks me is that my mom hugged me extra tight last time :,(
 
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GrislyEgress

GrislyEgress

Member
Jul 15, 2018
19
There is no assistance. They can give a hug and an “I love you.” What breaks me is that my mom hugged me extra tight last time :,(
Sorry to hear I can't give the best advise cause I feel messed up too. I want to prevent people from losing lives if possible on here. I also want to see people happy cause I know how awful everything is or may be.
 
Luke

Luke

tired
Apr 11, 2018
293
With foster parents it's really complicated indeed. This is a tough situation :(
 
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Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,630
Just other consumer
Please may I ask you a question?
I will understand if you prefer not to.
I am sorry to hear about your dad.does the fact he committed sucicide have an influence on you doing the same.
 
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Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
They should understand you want to end your life. It hurts, but this situation is even more painful for you.

You should be who decide it's OK ending this life.

-------------

Since my personal experience, I have no reasons for feeling guilt. They were who began everything wanting a fucking baby. They were completely conscient of how fucked this generation will have it and how shitty and inhuman the world is. And they didn't care a shit about it. Only this should be reason enough for no feeling even a whit of whilt. They decided give me life and I am who can decide when finish it. It's a fucking right.

But my reasons go beyond all this, almost to the emotional abuse levels. I only have one regret: I won't see their dumb faces when they find me lying in the ground and I won't hear their furious cries of despair.

I saw how they gave me life, and inmediately after it they snatched it in my face.

Answering your question: Am I afraid of hurting them?

No! NEVER!!!

You could think I'm underrating them, but I keep a lot of time in a shitty mental condition because of them. Since my birth to this day every problem I hace was caused by them in every way. THEY should feel guilt, not me.
 
Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
513
i think I know the struggle you are in. but I lack advice since I really feel nothing towards my own parents (both biological and those who adopted me). and thus, I am not afraid of hurting mine. they're half the reason why I want to ctb.
 
Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
555
Sorry to hear this Volatile. If you could take one day at the time, maybe you should, I know how hard it is to commit suicide even though you want to. I don't know what kind of situation you are in, so it's difficult to give advise. Maybe you could trade your car for a van and turn it in to a little camper. Maybe you could try and get financial aid at the human resources agency.
Maybe my advise is stupid, and should not be followed.
All I can say is that I wish I could help you but I can't seem to even help myself.
It seems like you have parents that love you but who have no ability to help you, no matter how much they want to help, seems like right now they can only give you emotional support, which is better than nothing, I'm so sad to hear abut all this.
 
Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,630
I am sorry volatile.I would agree with definitely here.my parents are elderly and it would crush my mum.please think about what you are doing.have you explored all the ave of help and support especially with regards to the abuse.sucide should be a last resort in my opinion.
 
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Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
555
I just wish you strength to find a way to help yourself.definitely
Thanks Lara, I'm trying, it has been so difficult, sometimes it feels like much more than I can handle. I don't know what my outcome will be, everyday is so painful and the uncertainty is so scary, I'm really mixed up and it's not a good way to live. I feel urgency to kill myself, but I feel there is a spec of hope that I might not need to. Really difficult to take one day at a time.
I hope that your situation improves somehow too. Thanks
 
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Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,630
I totally get where you are coming from.I am always told to take one day at a time but pain and suffering can take us to dark places.keep fighting as you are doing and i sincerely hope things improve for you too definitely x
 
Threads

Threads

Warlock
Jul 13, 2018
724
My father is the only thing keeping me here. I'm just appearing to try in life to appease him and make him proud. I've already drafted my will and have all my shit sorted out. Once he's gone, I'm gone.

There are things that can happen to accelerate that process and make me CTB now. But it's highly unlikely any of that will happen.
 
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Volatile

Volatile

God
Jun 18, 2018
1,286
My father is the only thing keeping me here. I'm just appearing to try in life to appease him and make him proud. I've already drafted my will and have all my shit sorted out. Once he's gone, I'm gone.

There are things that can happen to accelerate that process and make me CTB now. But it's highly unlikely any of that will happen.
How old are you?
 
Volatile

Volatile

God
Jun 18, 2018
1,286
nearly 30
Me too. My parents probably have at least another 20 yrs. I have to wait til 50. I don’t think I can wait that long. If I develop cancer or something awful then that’ll be my excuse to ctb
 
Threads

Threads

Warlock
Jul 13, 2018
724
Me too. My parents probably have at least another 20 yrs. I have to wait til 50. I don’t think I can wait that long. If I develop cancer or something awful then that’ll be my excuse to ctb

My father will be dead within 5 years.

I'm not overly concerned or worried about continuing my life another 5 years. It's just time to me.
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
633
Nope. Not one bit. I'd be dead after all, so I'm pretty sure my non-existent self would give less than a shit about how my parents would think/feel on the whole aftermath of the matter. Even if we entertain the fantastical notion that I'd somehow be able to bear witness to their wailing & gnashing of teeth post suicide then I'd still say, so what? Guess they should have thought of that before selfishly imposing existence on another living thing. I mean, come on now. I'm supposed to stick around for their sake, just to cover up the mistake they made and avoid their suffering? Don't make me laugh. My parents are quite amiable all things considered and I do care for them, but, be that as it may, it's simply irrelevant in the face of whatever possibility that might exist that I could ever grant my own release from this hellscape of a world. It will also never erase the unforgivable crime they both knowingly committed against me & my sibling. That crime of course being, existence itself. Granted, the DNA molecule was pulling their strings the whole time, but, in the case of procreation, I find that it's hardly an excuse that holds water. It is possible to override that kind of barbaric programming, but, instead, they crumbled and gave in to it, each for their own petty reasons. Banging each other together like a couple of wild, mangy dogs in the street. And not just once, but twice! Disgusting. Frankly, if this were a sane world, instead of this ass backwards idea of feeling guilty for depriving my parents of my continued existence, they should be the ones to feel guilty for not offering me a swift death to make amends for the life they imposed on me in cold blood. Try to find any consistency or logic on this hopeless rock, though. Fat fucking chance. It's all a god damn madhouse.


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Justanotherconsumer

Justanotherconsumer

Paragon
Jul 9, 2018
974
Just other consumer
Please may I ask you a question?
I will understand if you prefer not to.
I am sorry to hear about your dad.does the fact he committed sucicide have an influence on you doing the same.
No but the circumstances are remarkably similar both involve false convictions.