EternalSanction

EternalSanction

-
Jun 7, 2018
252
I'm afraid of living for long time. The future seems horrible for me, knowing that everything will get progresively worse make me fear how I will live.
Agreed, I'm afraid for the future because assessing my current situation leads me to believe that it won't get better, but worse. Which is my own fault
 
S

Santiago

Mage
Mar 25, 2018
588
Definitely not.

I would know exactly what to do and how to enjoy life if my looks weren't stopping me from doing so.
 
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FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,792
That underlies everything. I would rather not be than live in this scary world.

Yes, absolutely. Everything about life terrifies me. Other humans, in particular. I can't imagine having survived this long before (high) technology and pharmaceuticals. And this is why I'd under no circumstances hoist life on any other self aware being--human or otherwise. Life is hell.
 
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ScaredOfLife

Arcanist
Jul 9, 2018
441
Didn’t you post that you were 40? How have you made it so long while being scared of life?

Yes; I'm 40. I've been scared of life my entire life, but it has gotten worse recently, and I fear it will continue to grow worse until I ctb. I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep going. Never in my life have I been so focused on suicide.

How old are you?
 
Volatile

Volatile

God
Jun 18, 2018
1,286
Yes; I'm 40. I've been scared of life my entire life, but it has gotten worse recently, and I fear it will continue to grow worse until I ctb. I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep going. Never in my life have I been so focused on suicide.

How old are you?
28

What happened recently to increase your fear?
 
B

Boyth

New Member
Jul 22, 2018
1
Do u talk about this feelings with your family or friends? I know some people who do that but it's rly hard to me
 
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Mizule

Mizule

Member
Jul 22, 2018
21
I just don't even know where to begin with this really. I just feel ultra lost in life and confused but most of all just terrified and I have long ago lost all motivation and any sense of hope or enjoyment in life. I feel I have lost all direction and my life feels completely out of my control. I am just existing and going along with whatever happens to me like a rag doll. I feel helpless in life like a child who is scared and has lost its mother - just so terrified. I am deeply embarrassed by this. I feel no sense of self worth, my confidence and self esteem is at its lowest ever .... life has passed me by and almost all of this time has been as a pathetic and hopeless cas. I have always been exceptionally sensitive and I always feel that I was not meant to be on this earth because somebody as weak as me just cannot survive here without self destructing or being destroyed by life's reality. I feel deeply ashamed of myself and my anxiety and depression. Completely pathetic and useless as a human being even though deep inside I also feel such a sense of sadness for myself like part of me still wants to reach deep and give me a big hug and save myself but I keep failing at this. I imagine I would excel in another type of land or in another world where I am just able to be in peace and the way I am and be left alone. I have already been through the days of finding small bursts of habits to keep me going - like playing computer games, or chatting online etc .... I have also been through under eating, over eating, binge eating, losing weight, gaining weight, not dressing, not washing, lying in bed - crying at the tiniest issues - worrying about worst case scenarios in life, and also feeling so completely lost as to what to do with myself. I get scared in life to the point of paranoia. I imagine the absolute worst will happen - getting into trouble, ending up in prison, ending up in a vulnerable situation, homeless, etc, etc, etc .... I find it really hard to trust myself, let alone other people because I feel I have no skills to cope in life. I feel tense around others and only peaceful when I am all alone in solitude .... but this is also very lonely and isolating place to be. I feel a source of guilt in terms of any relationship with my family - because they have not been able to help me - they have not been able to aid in my dysfunctional mind and circumstances. I have felt trapped, hysterical and like a I am verging on psychotic at times - shouting, throwing things, anger, tears. All this has already been and gone. I have visited psychologists in the past as well as psychiatrists - but they have never diagnosed me with anything else besides general depression and anxiety. And as I am particularly well able to articulate my feelings and problems lucidly and with intelligence then they do not realise the extent of my problem and the absolute unbearable sense of fears, paranoias, misery I feel inside I think. It's as though I have never fallen into any 'categor'y. I think this is because I have quite a variety of psychological difficulties that all merge into each other sometimes and of course feed off one another. Because I have managed to hang on (to all outward appearances) to some kind of sanity, they do not see the real picture of the chaos in my mind and body. I have suffered 3 strange 'episodes' in the last 15 years where I have lost sensation in my body and face and it has never returned. This remained something of a mystery to doctors and I was eventually diagnosed with some kind of neuropathy or anxiety related bodily symptoms. Physical manifestation of anxiety even though some of them argued my symptoms were not typical or fitting. These reduced sensations have never resolved or returned and I now live with reduced and diminished sensation including not being able to sense pleasure sensations like massages or orgasms, pain. I feel adverse to sex and always have - somehow I (sometimes) find it a bit dirty and repulsive and feel violated and I cannot live with how I feel because I feel like a freak to feel that way without any reason that I can recall. I have no history of abuse that I can recall - just an anxious mother with some depression and negativity in her own thinking. Apart from this I have just been scared since always and have never had the strength or courage to pull myself out and I am now at my worst point ever and have given up on life and am just existing. I have tried within my very limitied mental means to pull myself out by attempting life changes in the past but have been crippled by my own anxieties and fears and these attempts have ultimately ended in the same patterns of failure. I lack any sense of ability or life resources, no sense of strength and I am aimless in life - feeling as helpless as if I were a newborn. I do not see the meaning or point in anything and feel it so diffiult to think of anything that would make me want to see a glimmer of light and really try again. Been there, done that before. Already too tired. I feel like I want a parent figure to come guide me step by step and pull me out from this hole. But that is just ridiculous and the more I think of how I should be able to manage my life, the more ashamed I feel of my bleak and fearful reality. I now find myself in a very stressful situation in life currently. And I arrived here through my own desperation and hysteria to escape my last situation and lack of seeing any other way out - an out of the frying pan into the fire situation. I have tried in the past medication, cbt, citalopram medication ..... I am so sad that I have come to this point but I do not know how to get better or where to begin ..... so much seems to have happened inside my mind that I am genuinely afraid that I have gone quite mad (but am still managing to pretend to be sane) ... I cannot cope with the vast amount of emotions and their intense strength that I feel in terms of everything seeming so dark, desperate, scary, chaotic and my mind just can't process it all. Particularly it just all feels a lot of thoughts for a tiny tiny mind to have. I just thought I would write about it. I have been through a lot of weird phases, living on baby food for a while, labelling the calories on everything, Obsessive tendencies to tidy everything to the extreme just to have an element of control in my life .... I have a problem with OCD where everything in my home has to be perfect and tidy and straight otherwise I feel very anxious and restless and as though things are dirty or that I have lost all control completely. If I lose the ability to control even my home or food then I feel I will have absolutely nothing since the rest of my life is so far gone. But the pressure this extreme thinking gives me is unbearable to live with and makes me tired and cry when I don't match up to my own pressure and standards. I take ages to get ready every day on the days when I feel able to try and go out because I feel I have to put on a pretence of appearing respectable and 'ok' .... the reality is sometimes I cry, shout, like a toddler who can't handle adult life and who can't dress herself or manage her well-being and life. Afraid. Lost. Unmotivated. My mind wants it all to go blank. I want peace. Feel a complete loser in life. Just want to float away quietly on a cloud or sleep and not wake up sometimes and just drift off into a haze where the last thing I think about is something uplifting and peaceful and far from the reality of this overwhelming life. I feel guilty to myself and to the world for being this way. The only way my stupid dreamy mind sometimes justifies it is to pretend I am a fairy from another world who was made perfectly but has come to an imperfect world and cannot hack it because it's too far from my own world. And I imagine this particular thought in a sane way, not an insane way ... I realise I am not really this person but this is the best way I am able to get any comfort in how I feel in this life.

TLDL : Yes.
 
Mizule

Mizule

Member
Jul 22, 2018
21
What i meant to say was that it's worse than death.
 
D

Deleted_9cKnXB34QG

Mage
Jun 26, 2018
503
Yes, especially other people and the horrible things they're capable of. Also the nature of life itself - accidents, diseases, natural catastrophes and so on.
I sometimes browse the watchpeopledie subreddit, it makes me feel even worse.
 
theshipsgoingdown

theshipsgoingdown

New Member
Jul 23, 2018
3
I'm terrified and disgusted by life, in the sense of not only what I've done and myself; but what it is. To think of blood and tissue and fluid inside of us all, as animals. With bones and a beating heart.

I guess I'm just a pussy and too squeamish or whatever. Oh well
 
F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,353
Normally I would not be if we didn’t have a government and we were all free. I don’t mean a society with no rules or any sort of dispute resolution, or contracts, a way to exchange goods and labor. One of my biggest fears is the government because if they succeed in getting us to full tyranny here in the US we are very vulnerable. The government here is huge and very powerful. The more brainwashed people get under socialism, and the lower the iq’s get as a result of the lower iq groups coming in illegally in many cases basically draining the welfare state. When the gov runs out of money it’s going to become very dangerous unless u have prepped and are able to live off the grid or leave the country. I think they will eliminate cash, and one reason this is scary is that they can steal the digital money from your account that is in a way fictitious anyway. So individuals will have less control over your earnings bc those banks can shut down accounts or just steal your money that way. We might go into hyperinflation which will make cash worthless bc the government destroyed the value of the paper currency. Normally in a free economy everything is efficient and things naturally go where it’s needed but not when the government controls the economy. This is why often people suffer bc they cannot meet their needs when gov regulates what ure allowed to get and decides for u what u need.
 
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S

ScaredOfLife

Arcanist
Jul 9, 2018
441
I totally relate to this and to you scaredoflife.

And yes I'm scared of life and that is one reason I contemplate and have attempted to ctb, but I'm also afraid to ctb honestly.

I'm afraid to ctb, too, but mainly because it's going to take a lot of willpower for me to pull the trigger and I'm also afraid that I will fail and end-up disfigured. But life is pushing me to the point where I have no choice and will have to do it even if I don't want to. I'm going to have to bite the bullet. (Pun intended.)
 
FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,792
I'm afraid to ctb, too, but mainly because it's going to take a lot of willpower for me to pull the trigger and I'm also afraid that I will fail and end-up disfigured. But life is pushing me to the point where I have no choice and will have to do it even if I don't want to. I'm going to have to bite the bullet. (Pun intended.)

This is EXACTLY how I feel. Frightened, but the desperation is beginning to eclipse the fear. I even invested in a hosted domain recently to start a business reaching out to people like us--at least the most desperately lonely. It's just about the only thing I think I can still "do." But suicidal exhaustion steals all my motivation. I'm deeply embarrassed to admit this, but it's like I'm so desperately lonely that I'd need at least a month of really trustworthy, solid companionship to build enough hope that could then fuel me moving forward with anything seriously.

But we all here know life doesn't give you what you need. You have to take it, make it happen. If you can't (assuming you're not the kind of person others WANT to help out), you just die. That's what life is. We see it all the time watching the Nature Channel, where the social animal failure is just sitting pitifully alone in some corner 'til it dies while its peers cavort happily all around it.
 
S

ScaredOfLife

Arcanist
Jul 9, 2018
441
This is EXACTLY how I feel. Frightened, but the desperation is beginning to eclipse the fear. I even invested in a hosted domain recently to start a business reaching out to people like us--at least the most desperately lonely. It's just about the only thing I think I can still "do." But suicidal exhaustion steals all my motivation. I'm deeply embarrassed to admit this, but it's like I'm so desperately lonely that I'd need at least a month of really trustworthy, solid companionship to build enough hope that could then fuel me moving forward with anything seriously.

But we all here know life doesn't give you what you need. You have to take it, make it happen. If you can't (assuming you're not the kind of person others WANT to help out), you just die. That's what life is. We see it all the time watching the Nature Channel, where the social animal failure is just sitting pitifully alone in some corner 'til it dies while its peers cavort happily all around it.

I know what you mean. Suicidal exhaustion steals all my motivation, too.

Life is all about survival of the fittest. I am not one of the fittest, so I am doomed to fail and die.