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bigj75

bigj75

“From Knowledge springs power."
Sep 1, 2018
2,547
die_a_hero.jpg


I was a fairly good person before depression and when my health was in order and before seeing how evil people were in the world. I never imagined i would have turned into such a bitter person. My spirit has broken , I've turned into a quitter, and became weak. I feel like the longer i go the more i turn into the bad people I've come across in my life. It's another reason why i want to ctb, I'm becoming the thing i hated most.
 
Jai

Jai

-
Sep 23, 2018
384
die_a_hero.jpg


I was a fairly good person before depression and when my health was in order and before seeing how evil people were in the world. I never imagined i would have turned into such a bitter person. My spirit has broken , I've turned into a quitter, and became weak. I feel like the longer i go the more i turn into the bad people I've come across in my life. It's another reason why i want to ctb, I'm becoming the thing i hated most.
I can relate I was just fine till the universe intervened
 
Norest4thewicked

Norest4thewicked

Losing it
Nov 4, 2018
271
When I was younger, before life and all the shit that comes with it, I was a happy, outgoing, trusting young man. Yet here i am, a middle aged bitter, distrusting, hollow shell. Happiness replaced by pain and misery. I just wish that when life fucks me hard, it could at least use lube or give me a hug afterwards.
 
F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,353
When I was younger, before life and all the shit that comes with it, I was a happy, outgoing, trusting young man. Yet here i am, a middle aged bitter, distrusting, hollow shell. Happiness replaced by pain and misery. I just wish that when life fucks me hard, it could at least use lube or give me a hug afterwards.
Lol! Same here. I miss my youth a lot, because I have nothing now. No kids, no partner, no acceptable/enjoyable job, no friends, no fun, not much money, estranged from mother and siblings. It’s a lot more lonely and I’ve just really given up.
 
H

Hoid

Member
Nov 1, 2018
26
Yeah. Every day is another exercise in disillusionment that leaves a few more cracks in me. It still catches me off guard and I find myself doing a sort of mental double-take when I realize what a cynical, bitter, and apathetic person I've become. But hey, people have been telling me for years that if I just hang in there things will get better...
 
NewDelhiGuy

NewDelhiGuy

Member
Oct 5, 2018
84
In my opinion the world has always been like that.. it is always the survival of the fittest.
I once definitely was the fittest in socoital terms I used to enjoy life and it's challenges.
But now I am not the fittest and a small chore seems to be a big task.
Hence life has become a burden. Doesn't mean that life or society is bad or for that matter I am
Life and I don't gel well anymore. Life ceased to be interesting to me anymore.
 
VincentValentine

VincentValentine

-
Sep 27, 2018
145
Lol! Same here. I miss my youth a lot, because I have nothing now. No kids, no partner, no acceptable/enjoyable job, no friends, no fun, not much money, estranged from mother and siblings. It’s a lot more lonely and I’ve just really given up.

When I was younger, before life and all the shit that comes with it, I was a happy, outgoing, trusting young man. Yet here i am, a middle aged bitter, distrusting, hollow shell. Happiness replaced by pain and misery. I just wish that when life fucks me hard, it could at least use lube or give me a hug afterwards.

Same. You both sound like me.

Except for me, when I was younger, I did have miserable times and a hard life, but it was mixed with good and fun times as well. Lately it's just the boring, lonely, bad times. So now my life is mostly bad with none of the good I had before.
 
Z

zzz919

I'm Nobody
Sep 19, 2018
96
The only people the world does not corrupt are wealthy evil people ...... If you are honest ...... If you are hard working ...... If you care about other people ...... The world will destroy you ...... If you are poor ...... Then you are not viewed as a human being ...... Your only value as a human being is the amount of money you have ...... One time I drove to the Texas State Capitol ...... I sat down in a Senator's office ...... I spoke with the Senator's Legislative Director ...... I was being denied mental health care ...... And I was very angry about it ...... I was being denied mental health care because I am Poor ...... The Senator's office called the local mental health agency and told them to stop Fucking Around and see me ...... They probably used different language ...... But they got the point across ...... I am mad as Goddamn Hell that I am treated like an unwanted criminal because I am mentally ill and poor ...... I wish America would Die ...... America has turned its back on me ...... So ...... I will turn my back on America ...... I will not be loyal to a country ...... That will Not be loyal to me.
 
Susannah

Susannah

Arcanist
Jul 2, 2018
481
I don't think humans are born corrupt. But who knows.
Agree, but I believe childhood/parents can corrupt you. I grew up convinced that life was great, think positive and you'll have all opportunities in life. I was so lucky living in a democracy. And of course, being born in Norway, such a rich country, I should feel extremely lucky.

Hahaha, what a joke. I wasn't prepared for all the sorrows and cruelness In society.
 
Susannah

Susannah

Arcanist
Jul 2, 2018
481
Sad to see a Norwegian here. It's such an aesthetically beautiful country.
Beautiful it is, but very dark in the autumn (and winter), cold as well. And politically it's been a shift. Used to have good public services, but today privatization in the society encreases the difference between rich and poor. The old working class is now upper middle class, and they have very good pensions. Leaves the younger generation with huge economically problems.
 
dysfunctional

dysfunctional

Arcanist
Oct 26, 2018
459
I don’t think the world corrupted me. I actually live in a really nice place. Before my severe depression hit I was a really hard worker, active, and had a big sense of humor. Now my emotions are totally flat, I’m lazy as shit, and boring to be around. I can really only blame myself. I’ve had great opportunities but squandered them and made the wrong decision many times.
 
Susannah

Susannah

Arcanist
Jul 2, 2018
481
I don’t think the world corrupted me. I actually live in a really nice place. Before my severe depression hit I was a really hard worker, active, and had a big sense of humor. Now my emotions are totally flat, I’m lazy as shit, and boring to be around. I can really only blame myself. I’ve had great opportunities but squandered them and made the wrong decision many times.
We fuck up all the time. Some people are just more lucky than others. There's no justice in life. And that's one of main sorrows. I used to believe in some kind of karma. If anyone knew the code for making right decisions, they would definately not share it, fuckers.

Hugs
 
P

Pointlesslife

I'm feel dead and lifeless already so why live
Nov 7, 2018
93
When I was younger, before life and all the shit that comes with it, I was a happy, outgoing, trusting young man. Yet here i am, a middle aged bitter, distrusting, hollow shell. Happiness replaced by pain and misery. I just wish that when life fucks me hard, it could at least use lube or give me a hug afterwards.
Me to. I used to be a happy person in high school but a now an angry, boring, sad, and lifeless person.
 
Misanthrope

Misanthrope

Mage
Oct 23, 2018
556
The once decent person I was, has certainly been corrupted into something so cynical and bitter I feel like somedays I grieve for who I once was. Compassion and rage have mutated into something entirely ugly.

As a person with mental health issues, I got involved with a non-partisan charity that focuses on advocating for the mentally ill. I wanted to help people avoid the pitfalls that had befallen me within an infantilising and sometimes abusive system, and make sure people were at least informed and given a voice. I loved the work, even though it was hard. It felt like putting out fires continually and running headlong into a brick wall of Kafkaesque bureaucracy that left my clients damaged. The hardship and horror just provoked my rage but I channelled it into a weapon against the scum that were harming the quality of life of my clients. I think that work took its toll on me and chipped away at any sense of justice or decency over time. I encountered awful nurses and doctors, bigots and cruel bureaucrats on power trips. I had to take constant breaks because my own mental health was getting damaged, stress was worsening the Bipolar.

It started to not feel good enough to put out fires when the napalm factory behind those fires still existed in the first place. I made a stupid decision that has corrupted me and left me this hateful suicidal thing that has come on these boards in the first place.

I got involved in the political sphere attempting to influence local policy and secure better for those in need. What a fucking nieve moron I was. Nothing has proven more soul destroying than entering that world. These same politicians were happy to pose with my clients while simultaneously voting to damage the very thing those clients needed most. Facts were meaningless in the face of pure bigotry, idiocy and the constant quest for ‘efficiency savings’. The depths of sheer stupidity of conversations I was party to were honestly mind-boggling and mentally painful. I could write a book about these experiences but I don't see a point. It is absolutely terrifying to know these tribalists devoid of rationalism are steering a country. They are not all bad, but it is like realising you are in a speeding car, but instead of anyone being at the wheel you just have squabbling children arguing about the ideological merits of power steering and the placement of pedals. All the while that same vehicle is drifting off the road towards an oncoming bus full of special needs kids.

This work broke me. It made me sick to have to debate human decency and use economic reasoning to do it. Suffering seemed to be irrelevant. Trying to get them to grasp false economy more often than not failed. You would think it would be simple enough to grasp why you should not put minors in mixed adult psychiatric units… But I guess rape of a minor as a consequence is acceptable, certainly cheaper I guess, than funding more bed availability in suitable wards. I am so full of revulsion and disgust. I never understood the phrase ivory towers until getting an inside view.

I started going to work wishing I could maim these people and make them suffer into a state of humility. I wanted to show up with a flamethrower and burn these people alive. All the while loudly denying the damaging effects of fire. Because my own paid for personal think tank, with shares in various bakeries has statistics on how fire produces bread and thus staves off world hunger. Being against fire is like being against bread and all for starvation. Besides human experience is simply anecdotal, so those screams of burning politicians and their cronies are just scaremongering and have no statistical value on my decision to show up with a flamethrower or not. Even if you should trot out scientists and experts in the field of the damaging effects of fire I shall ignore them and proceed anyway because I believe I am right! So I am right, and being seen to be right is all that matters. Also if fire is so damaging, people need to take greater personal responsibility for themselves and not end up on fire in the first place. People are just so entitled these days expecting the fire service to come out at considerable expense to the hard done by taxpayer. No, I think it is only cost-effective to let them become cremated ash, which has nothing to do with fire. I think instead I will blame it on the lack of people purchasing shares in my bakeries…

I wanted to abduct the bureaucrats that denied my clients access to food because they did not meet certain criteria. Stick them in a room and let them starve a while then provide them with a convoluted form to fill out so they could request food. But provide them with no pen and the wrong form. Then eventually give them the right form and a crayon. Watch them fill it out with the crayon, then deny the request because they did not use a pen as stipulated on the form. When they get angry at me for providing the crayon in the first place, I will ignore that and tell them I shall deny their claim because they are being abusive. When they then ask for a pen I will give them a form to request a pen. Once they have completed that form. I will give them a pen, let them fill out the form for food. Then tell them they don’t meet the criteria, as pens have recently been redefined as actually meaning crayons and since you filled out the form with a pen, which is not a crayon any more you will have to fill out another form with the correct writing implement.

I would ask them if those hunger pains are making this process more difficult and would they like any help navigating the system? Should they say yes, I will apologies and tell them due to funding cuts there is a six-month wait to receive the appropriate help as we are pretty backed up here. Which is a bit of a problem as it takes around forty days to die of starvation, but if you are dead you are at least not on our books. I will then provide them with the form and cheerfully inform them that the new form has been updated to better reflect the needs of our clients. I will point out several of the questions are now trick questions. If you fill it out in a certain way that seems logical to you. I will instead ridiculously infer from that you don’t actually need food and use your own words as evidence against your claim. Good luck and have a nice day.


Unsurprisingly I quit after a breakdown as feeling enraged and nursing homicidal fantasies all the time was severely damaging. I am corrupted into a sense of having no hope for the future. With such bitter brooding cynicism. I feel like we are on course to all be eating sawdust while being told how nutritionally complete it is. Sorry for the lengthy diatribe.
 
P

Pointlesslife

I'm feel dead and lifeless already so why live
Nov 7, 2018
93
I don’t think the world corrupted me. I actually live in a really nice place. Before my severe depression hit I was a really hard worker, active, and had a big sense of humor. Now my emotions are totally flat, I’m lazy as shit, and boring to be around. I can really only blame myself. I’ve had great opportunities but squandered them and made the wrong decision many times.

"my emotions are totally flat, I’m lazy as shit, and boring to be around"
I can relate to this as I feel that I have a dull personality that I would like to get better.