Aponia & Ataraxia

Aponia & Ataraxia

Experienced
Jun 24, 2018
235
I've begun looking into that myself, ironically during my final strip of time. I could see it in myself, (in the same way Anakin Skywalker is portrayed in Star wars). Only difference is that my strong reactions are mostly internalized. I've always had strong disgust sensitivity towards other's actions that I view as utterly contemptible. The sub-par pool of humans that I've been dealt in this existence usually get angry when they hear reason, logic, fairness, higher values, etc. And I in turn get angry at them when they all-to-often fail to respect those things.

Had I been able to pick and choose the circumstances of my birth, I might have stayed longer and attempted to make positive contributions. As it is, I've always wanted a euphoric death since I was at 14 revolutions of age. I'm a quarter-century of age now, and the whole biological aging thing is nothing short of an absurdity in my view. Live fast, die young. Can't alter the past, compelled by the laws of physics to travel into the future, going to die someday anyway, paying bills is tedious and pointless without upward mobility...

And I've always since I was a young child just had a strong sense that there's just plain and simply something seriously wrong with being brought into existence to live in the middle of nowhere, on black seas of infinity, in an infinite dust vacuum of which there is no empirical evidence of any other sentient life-forms. No real transcendence other than the peaceful & pleasant voluntary death.

I might not even leave a note, just so I can enjoy myself a little more when I make my move. I'm using the Aokigahara technique, and thought about just giving them nothing but the GPS coordinates as my note. So I can definitely see "Splitting" in myself, but it's not as if there aren't good reasons why. I would think that to those with BPD, most "normal" people probably reek of indifference and unconsciousness. I can't tolerate those two things, and I do experience mental agony/suffering from exposure to them.
 
Aponia & Ataraxia

Aponia & Ataraxia

Experienced
Jun 24, 2018
235
I don't feel loneliness. But I consider this an advantageous trait, not a disorder -- knowing how most people out there can behave

Definitely a big distinction between being lonely v.s. being solitary. I feel more lonliness in a crowd than I do when in deep solitude. I'd rather have an entire universe to myself (not this one, though) --which is why I've always liked the high-elevation desert, and why I'll be dying out there after all. There's no other humans out there, almost never too windy and with few insects. Unadulterated silence. I'm free to listen to music and wander around in an aimless bliss. It's the only place I know of where being grounded in the present moment comes to me effortlessly. I've realized as of late that it was when I was 14 that I first had the thought: "this is where I want to die." If death is inevitable, then the isolated event of [painlessly, peacefully, pleasantly] dying in this particular geographic location wouldn't be a tragedy in and of itself. Even inconveniences are intrinsically negative experiences to have, let alone the more serious harms and grievances of the world.

"The moral decline we are compelled to witness and the suffering it engenders are so oppressive that one cannot ignore them even for a moment. No matter how deeply one immerses oneself in work, a haunting feeling of inescapable tragedy persists. Still, there are moments when one feels free from one's own identification with human limitations and inadequacies. At such moments, one imagines that one stands on some spot of a small planet, gazing in amazement at the cold yet profoundly moving beauty of the eternal, the unfathomable: life and death flow into one, and there is neither evolution nor destiny; only being." -Albert Einstein

"Although I am a typical loner in daily life, my consciousness of belonging to the invisible community of those who strive for truth, beauty, and justice has preserved me from feeling isolated." -Albert Einstein

*I think of this second quote every time I'm on this forum, because it's exactly the same scenario (most humans would disagree --but that's pretty much entirely due to the fact that their perspective of what truth, beauty, or justice actually means, is skewed by unconscious psychological, social, and cultural biases.)
 
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athousandsorrows

athousandsorrows

Member
Jul 5, 2018
70
I'm sure I have something. I'm just not sure what it is. When I was going to therapy we were toying around with 4 possibilities, on which my medications were based. Bipolar type 2, dysthymia, major dep, and BPD. It's anyone's guess, really.
 
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Gumby

Gumby

Student
Jun 10, 2018
104
Narcissism plus bipolar (which is technically not a personality disorder)
 
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Fylobatica

Fylobatica

Inactive
Apr 1, 2018
365
definitely a big distinction between being lonely v.s. being solitary.

In my specific case, both definitions overlap, despite meaning different things. I need to be alone and I don't feel the slightest inconvenience from this
 
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shattered dreams

shattered dreams

Student
Jun 5, 2018
134
I have fetal alcohol syndrome which gives me severe mental problems. I have been officially diagnosed with major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder. It is rare form men to have borderline personality disorder, but I am one of them. Although I have never had a relationship with a girl, I am sure I would be an absolute nightmare boyfriend.
 
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Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
513
I have OCD, social anxiety, and hallucinates frequently.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
I don't feel loneliness. But I consider this an advantageous trait, not a disorder -- knowing how most people out there can behave
How can it be exactly? Please explain that to me.

And yes, it's a huge advantage.
 
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Fylobatica

Fylobatica

Inactive
Apr 1, 2018
365
How can it be exactly? Please explain that to me.

And yes, it's a huge advantage.

It was kind of a gradual process that had its onset a couple of years ago. I used to feel a bit of loneliness --mainly because I have never been under the spotlight, I'm usually ignored or in the best case scenario I'm thanked just out of forced politeness.
It was about the same time I started to discover more about the world, how plain crazy people can be, and how some things will never change regardless of what we do as a collective species. I also began to feel desensitized and a bit out of touch from everything, it probably was an unconscious process that my brain adopted to protect itself from further pain.
The result of this was diminished emotional response almost to everything that happened, including possible feelings of loneliness.
Maybe it's some kind of deep perpetual relaxation, all I know is that I didn't choose it specifically even though it helps a lot, I can be alone for days and not suffer from this. It's probably the same thing that happens to people who watch a lot of gore videos and then nothing seems that repulsive to them anymore.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
It was kind of a gradual process that had its onset a couple of years ago. I used to feel a bit of loneliness --mainly because I have never been under the spotlight, I'm usually ignored or in the best case scenario I'm thanked just out of forced politeness.
It was about the same time I started to discover more about the world, how plain crazy people can be, and how some things will never change regardless of what we do as a collective species. I also began to feel desensitized and a bit out of touch from everything, it probably was an unconscious process that my brain adopted to protect itself from further pain.
The result of this was diminished emotional response almost to everything that happened, including possible feelings of loneliness.
Maybe it's some kind of deep perpetual relaxation, all I know is that I didn't choose it specifically even though it helps a lot, I can be alone for days and not suffer from this. It's probably the same thing that happens to people who watch a lot of gore videos and then nothing seems that repulsive to them anymore.
Something similar happened to me but with body image. Slowly I thought how pointless ot was and how society demands each time more perfection of image and I refused all that things. What happened you with loneliness happened me with my body image, absolutely not caring of it and just leaving it as it was.

But I never could be 100% able to lead with loneliness. It makes me feel uncomplete, no matter of how much I try it.
 
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Fylobatica

Fylobatica

Inactive
Apr 1, 2018
365
Something similar happened to me but with body image. Slowly I thought how pointless ot was and how society demands each time more perfection of image and I refused all that things. What happened you with loneliness happened me with my body image, absolutely not caring of it and just leaving it as it was.

I feel you, I can't compete with other people in terms of looks so I gave up even before starting to compare me to others. I'd need cosmetic surgery to get a normal face, but something tells me that I wouldn't be happy with that, it's almost like cheating on yourself.

But I never could be 100% able to lead with loneliness. It makes me feel uncomplete, no matter of how much I try it.

Connecting with people, nowadays, is stranger than ever. They might look you down for a small mistake, but they're full of skeletons in their closet.
Even though I don't feel the need to socialize, I'm open to the possibility that somebody interesting could bump into my existence, just to exchange a few ideas worth knowing. But AFAIK, I've found interesting people only on the internet as for now, lol.
 
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Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
I feel you, I can't compete with other people in terms of looks so I gave up even before starting to compare me to others. I'd need cosmetic surgery to get a normal face, but something tells me that I wouldn't be happy with that, it's almost like cheating on yourself.
I could do it but I don't want. All this seems to me an absolute waste of time and energy. Even if I had a fatal accident that disfigure my face nothing would change. I wouldn't do surgery, I simply don't find any reason for changing myself.

Connecting with people, nowadays, is stranger than ever. They might look you down for a small mistake, but they're full of skeletons in their closet.
Even though I don't feel the need to socialize, I'm open to the possibility that somebody interesting could bump into my existence, just to exchange a few ideas worth knowing. But AFAIK, I've found interesting people only on the internet as for now, lol.
Socializing with somebody in real life is impossible, I always end wanting to punch their faces strongly. Looking the kind of persons there are should be reason enough for not wanting any companionship, but for some reason it doesn't work. I still feel uncared and unloved...
 
Fylobatica

Fylobatica

Inactive
Apr 1, 2018
365
I could do it but I don't want. All this seems to me an absolute waste of time and energy. Even if I had a fatal accident that disfigure my face nothing would change. I wouldn't do surgery, I simply don't find any reason for changing myself.

Sometimes I thought that if by chance I slipped and smashed my face on the ground I'd look better, lol. Probably not worth the try.

Socializing with somebody in real life is impossible, I always end wanting to punch their faces strongly.

I tried to calm down and take a "chill pill" in the last years because otherwise I'd have to collapse on the floor from all the rage. Either most people are naive to the point of stupidity, or they blatantly lie.
The ones we'd get along well together are probably needles in a haystack.
 
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C

chemystry

Member
Jul 7, 2018
14
I was misdiagnosed with depression/OCD at first, but turns out I'm borderline as well. Kinda preferred my old diagnosis.
 
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Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
The ones we'd get along well together are probably needles in a haystack.
I gave up time ago trying to find them. I lost all hope of meeting somebody like it. What are the chances? Probably millions against one.
 
Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,549
I suppose I fit some of the criteria of the dsm for BPD but I’d prefer to classify myself as maladjusted.
 
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