I need you to feel this
- Jul 14, 2021
random energy spike so im in the mood to write. maybe its the iced latte im drinking right now? the title is a bit cryptic, so what i mean is, does anyone else feel like they're in between being absolutely certain they're going to kill themselves, but also feeling a slight..glimmer of hope that maybe things would be a little better if you held out? not an SI thing btw, like, im going to be moving out with my boyfriend in a month. this is going to change almost everything. my parents are abusers and i'm a hermit. when i'm with my boyfriend i won't feel afraid to go out to the kitchen or living room and retreat back into my room, and i'd need to go out for work and to sustain ourselves. but then again, it might not be better at all. i'd still be damaged, secretive, untrusting..socially anxious, low energy, etc, everything that comes with being me and everything that comes with having my fucking brain and body. my fucked up body. i don't think i can truly live out the rest of my life and i feel so low energy and shitty now that i don't even think it's worth pursuing, but MAYBE just maybe it is? like, its kind of cyclical, i don't want to live but what if i just.. do for a bit, and things change? i'm certain my life would still be pointless and offer me nothing and no sense of fufilment or comfort, but at least maybe i'd be able to go and cook breakfast without waiting till everyone leaves the house first, or go to bed without being scared that i'll be killed in my sleep..