- May 25, 2022
whereas, I cannot fake a smile, if I am sad, angry, upset, distraught, I cannot smile, no matter the sillyness, funniness or comedy. I am just dead inside and cannot FAKE a smile or any facial expression while in this condition. I also, however, cannot NOT smile back when someone smiles at me IF I am not in the throws of distress.I do it because I don’t view smiles positively. I view smiles as jeers. Apes or chimps don’t like smiles either. I like looking at a smiling person with a blank expression until their smile falters and disappears.
Smiling back, as a reflex, is something I learned to do at an early age, it keeps others from pursuing their interrogative instincts to try and 'fix' what is 'wrong' with me and keeps me from having to talk to them, when I would really rather not. It is not a 'fake' smile but it IS a reflex and therefor, not sincere, so that kinda does make it fake, but I am not feeling unsmiley so I am not considering it a truly 'fake' smile, like when someone says, 'why can't you just smile and be happy?' and you fake flash them the teeth to shut them the fuck up.
I do truly enjoy watching others, children, having a good time and will be caught watching and smiling at their play, joy and giggling, these smiles are sincere. I do try to not be seen smiling and enjoying others having a good time, because, doing so can get you looked at funny at best and accused of being some pervert at worst. I like to stay inside my own room so I do not have to deal with such things.