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Mew

Mew

Wizard
Joined
Dec 26, 2020
Messages
609
This is something I always struggled with
I read ana article about attachments in my psychology class. I realized that I have the "Fearful" attachment style. Someone who is afraid to be close to others but also seeks help. But because I am so fearful of it all I end up suffering more and having less access to help. a part that stood out to me, paraphrased, was "Children who could easily say how they feel 'I hate you' reflected that their parents created a secure sense of self in them to say how they feel. The parents themselves also validated their opinions causing these children to feel safe in expressing their thoughts. Meanwhile children in chaotic homes were less likely to say how they feel due to parents being abusive or dismissive"
Even on here, I can be that way. Afraid to be myself. Afraid to speak my mind because I anticipate the person I am talking to will disagree or hate me which = abuse in my mind. My mom and family never liberated my feelings. They only hurt and abused me for simply creating an identity. And with that I have so much shame. So much shame about my feelings, such as being fucking jealous of my roommates when they all had boyfriends in their freshmen year and I didn't. Feeling conflicted about my BFF at times to where I struggle to tell her and other people how I feel about their actions because I don't want them to leave me = being alone.
I don't feel I am strong enough to survive without them so I just choose to be comfortable. And in hindsight it is important to express your thoughts to see who is real. That's just a reality I am too afraid to visualize
 
Panna

Panna

Mage
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
546
NomoreNormalcyHere said:
This is something I always struggled with
I read ana article about attachments in my psychology class. I realized that I have the "Fearful" attachment style. Someone who is afraid to be close to others but also seeks help. But because I am so fearful of it all I end up suffering more and having less access to help. a part that stood out to me, paraphrased, was "Children who could easily say how they feel 'I hate you' reflected that their parents created a secure sense of self in them to say how they feel. The parents themselves also validated their opinions causing these children to feel safe in expressing their thoughts. Meanwhile children in chaotic homes were less likely to say how they feel due to parents being abusive or dismissive"
Even on here, I can be that way. Afraid to be myself. Afraid to speak my mind because I anticipate the person I am talking to will disagree or hate me which = abuse in my mind. My mom and family never liberated my feelings. They only hurt and abused me for simply creating an identity. And with that I have so much shame. So much shame about my feelings, such as being fucking jealous of my roommates when they all had boyfriends in their freshmen year and I didn't. Feeling conflicted about my BFF at times to where I struggle to tell her and other people how I feel about their actions because I don't want them to leave me = being alone.
I don't feel I am strong enough to survive without them so I just choose to be comfortable. And in hindsight it is important to express your thoughts to see who is real. That's just a reality I am too afraid to visualize
So many things you said just resonate with me. I'm insecure about everything because I feel like my opinion doesnt matter, I find comfort in letting others take the reigns while sitting back seat in life. I'm terrified of getting close to others because I'm scared of being betrayed, of being saddled with unnecessary memories. Experiences that dont mean much to the other person stick with me years later, be they simple jokes or words they say. Years later if they're gone, I still remember that joy and it just hurts. I'm constantly jealous of girls just living their lives so carefree wishing I could be like them. If only there was a way to kill these feelings, they're just too much.
 
Antigonish

Antigonish

Mage
Joined
Sep 19, 2020
Messages
550
Nope. I just tend not to. Most people dont like what I have to say. Whether they disagree, find it offensive, or just wish I was something or someone I'm not.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
14,797
Most likely, but for most people even from here if they actually heard me unfiltered would probably want me to make it stop anyway.
 
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LONE WOLF.

LONE WOLF.

PUNISHER.
Joined
Nov 4, 2020
Messages
792
Mew said:
This is something I always struggled with
I read ana article about attachments in my psychology class. I realized that I have the "Fearful" attachment style. Someone who is afraid to be close to others but also seeks help. But because I am so fearful of it all I end up suffering more and having less access to help. a part that stood out to me, paraphrased, was "Children who could easily say how they feel 'I hate you' reflected that their parents created a secure sense of self in them to say how they feel. The parents themselves also validated their opinions causing these children to feel safe in expressing their thoughts. Meanwhile children in chaotic homes were less likely to say how they feel due to parents being abusive or dismissive"
Even on here, I can be that way. Afraid to be myself. Afraid to speak my mind because I anticipate the person I am talking to will disagree or hate me which = abuse in my mind. My mom and family never liberated my feelings. They only hurt and abused me for simply creating an identity. And with that I have so much shame. So much shame about my feelings, such as being fucking jealous of my roommates when they all had boyfriends in their freshmen year and I didn't. Feeling conflicted about my BFF at times to where I struggle to tell her and other people how I feel about their actions because I don't want them to leave me = being alone.
I don't feel I am strong enough to survive without them so I just choose to be comfortable. And in hindsight it is important to express your thoughts to see who is real. That's just a reality I am too afraid to visualize
@Mew Don't be afraid of what others say,all they have are words which are never correct because they don't know Your life Story! Everyone's a expert in sorting out others lives but Shite at sorting their own! Say whatever You want to whenever you want to and let others be damned! BE YOURSELF!!!1618646271501.jpg
 
avoid_slow_death

avoid_slow_death

Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
Joined
Feb 4, 2020
Messages
623
Definitely used to be this way. Still am somewhat most places, but not here. Anyone who has read my post, replies to posts or any of my statuses KNOWS I say whatever the hell is on my mind. Same thing on the real world. Difference there is I don't talk about my suicidal thoughts much. Worried someone will try and get me help one day so I keep it kinda vague. That said, at a certain point, you just learn to let go and not give a fuck. Its so liberating....
 
Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Desire=half of life. Indifference=half of death.
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
4,574
avoid_slow_death said:
you just learn to let go and not give a fuck. Its so liberating....
this.
 
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Largeletters

Largeletters

Cursed
Joined
Jan 21, 2020
Messages
395
Yep, because if you don't go along with the herd, psychos will ruin your life. Best to stay quiet, I realized a long time ago no one really cares about my feelings regarding anything.
 
LastFlowers

LastFlowers

the haru that can read
Joined
Apr 27, 2019
Messages
1,295
I know the feeling, an anonymous forum is the closest I will get to being able to speak my mind without severe consequences.
(I am sorry you feel you cannot do that, even here.)
In-person, it does not matter if I am wrong or right, I will be struck down swiftly if I so much as rock the boat.

For myself, this is a fear that was instilled over time, you look around and see everyone else having at it, seemingly no end to their open opinions, yet you yourself have been beaten into submission for far less inflammatory comments.
Negative conditioning.
If you were ever an extrovert, that part of you will be shoved so hard back down your throat that you will be forever afraid to gag-as in doing so you may unwittingly bring that part of yourself back up to the surface, only to be slaughtered once again.

I admit I have had my share of “foot in mouth” moments but when everything you say is treated the same, you hardly want to open your mouth any longer, even if you’ve got an entire dissertation to throw in your opponent’s path.

In a world where we consider the freedom of speech to be a birth-right, we forget that societal backlash can annihilate access to that right within those whom we consider “less than” or a thorn in our side.
Sometimes this is for the better..sometimes it is for the worse, but most don’t seem to be able to tell the fucking difference, hence individuals such as yourself are forced to be terrified of something that should be welcomed.
I am very sorry your voice has been suffocated.
 
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Fragile

Fragile

Broken
Joined
Jul 7, 2019
Messages
1,224
I'm usually very open when I talk, at least on the internet, but tend to keep a lot more to myself since I don't want to piss people off and then lose access to my only real emotional outlet. People ignore most of it anyway, loneliness hits hard even on a suicide forum, but I no longer give a single fuck.

And in real life is mostly the same, but for some reason I'm extremely vocal about my dislikes, however, no one knows a thing about what I actually enjoy, and I could probably trace this back to the constant abuse that I received early in my childhood whenever I tried to talk to people about these things, too bad the only reaction I got was being mocked for liking even the most innocuous stuff, would've helped me to deal with the loss of my father and my constant visits to the ER, but that was my life I guess.

Been extremely reserved ever since.