Total Imbecile

Total Imbecile

Member
Jun 6, 2018
22
Im not talking about the "my boyfriend is my only friend" or "I have friends but they dont understand me" kind of loneliness, Im talking about being a virgin at 20+ and spending weeks confined in your room with no human contact apart from the closest family members.

My life is otherwise okay, I have no worry in this world except that Im alone. I dont believe this situation will change EVER though

If you fit this description please reveal yourself, I cant be the only person like this
 
ImNotBatman

ImNotBatman

Student
May 9, 2018
144
Yes. I do have human interaction beyond that, and while its self imposed misery, I deserve it. I feel so different than people around me.

A quote : "-Imagine what it must be like to be so singular a creature... ...knowing that you are alone and that there will never be more of you. ...These beasts were not driven by hunger, they were insane, driven to madness by their own uniqueness."
 
NumbItAll

NumbItAll

Mage
May 20, 2018
575
Im not talking about the "my boyfriend is my only friend" or "I have friends but they dont understand me" kind of loneliness, Im talking about being a virgin at 20+ and spending weeks confined in your room with no human contact apart from the closest family members.

My life is otherwise okay, I have no worry in this world except that Im alone. I dont believe this situation will change EVER though

If you fit this description please reveal yourself, I cant be the only person like this
Can definitely relate to this and it is a major factor for wanting to die. Also I just really hate life in general.
 
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Elaina

Member
May 16, 2018
96
Im not talking about the "my boyfriend is my only friend" or "I have friends but they dont understand me" kind of loneliness, Im talking about being a virgin at 20+ and spending weeks confined in your room with no human contact apart from the closest family members.

My life is otherwise okay, I have no worry in this world except that Im alone. I dont believe this situation will change EVER though

If you fit this description please reveal yourself, I cant be the only person like this
Why are you still alive
 
Total Imbecile

Total Imbecile

Member
Jun 6, 2018
22
I've been in the same position as you for the majority of my life. Why are you alone? Don't you have college?

Im just poor and ugly, and yes I do go to college but I just go to class and back to my dorm, I cant make friends at all.

I wasnt able to get an internship this summer either so Im just hibernating in my room
 
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Elaina

Member
May 16, 2018
96
Im just poor and ugly, and yes I do go to college but I just go to class and back to my dorm, I cant make friends at all.

I wasnt able to get an internship this summer either so Im just hibernating in my room
Why can't you make friends? Are you on the spectrum or are you just awkward? I have a learning disability that makes me socially retarded.
 
Malice1

Malice1

-
Apr 6, 2018
287
A quote : "-Imagine what it must be like to be so singular a creature... ...knowing that you are alone and that there will never be more of you. ...These beasts were not driven by hunger, they were insane, driven to madness by their own uniqueness."

I like this quote and can relate. My situation is unique. I'm probably the only person on this planet in a real life dystopia. I'm all alone in it too. I'm a unique beast indeed as there is really nothing else like me and I am insane.

To answer the question though I guess i'm just indifferent about being alone. Sometimes i wish i could have friends but i understand being the way i am that its just not a possibility.
 
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Elaina

Member
May 16, 2018
96
I like this quote and can relate. My situation is unique. I'm probably the only person on this planet in a real life dystopia. I'm all alone in it too. I'm a unique beast indeed as there is really nothing else like me and I am insane.

To answer the question though I guess i'm just indifferent about being alone. Sometimes i wish i could have friends but i understand being the way i am that its just not a possibility.
Is that the reason you're on this site?
 
Malice1

Malice1

-
Apr 6, 2018
287
Why is it hard for you to make friends?
I'm a social retard. Also having friends is dangerous like this as i cannot read people and have no way of knowing whether i can trust someone or not. I have no way of defending myself from mental abuse either. I am a prole incapable of holding an actual conversation and therefore cannot participate in our society.
 
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FakeNews

Student
Apr 30, 2018
150
Im not talking about the "my boyfriend is my only friend" or "I have friends but they dont understand me" kind of loneliness, Im talking about being a virgin at 20+ and spending weeks confined in your room with no human contact apart from the closest family members.

My life is otherwise okay, I have no worry in this world except that Im alone. I dont believe this situation will change EVER though

If you fit this description please reveal yourself, I cant be the only person like this


Reminds me of a souvenir T-shirt that is popular in Asia. It says, “I’m unique. Just like you.”

This website reminds us that we aren’t unique. There are many of us suffering from similar issues. It’s a bitch finding others, for sure - but it’s not impossible at all.

I’m sorry you feel so alone. P
 
T

typx

Specialist
May 4, 2018
381
Im not talking about the "my boyfriend is my only friend" or "I have friends but they dont understand me" kind of loneliness, Im talking about being a virgin at 20+ and spending weeks confined in your room with no human contact apart from the closest family members.

My life is otherwise okay, I have no worry in this world except that Im alone. I dont believe this situation will change EVER though

If you fit this description please reveal yourself, I cant be the only person like this

Yeah, I'm like this as well. My earliest memories are of being alone. I come from a very insular, shy family with a lot of substance abuse. It seems they forgot to socialize me as a child. I've had friendships come and go. But I don't really know how to maintain relationships or, at this point, create them.

That quote is great.. "Driven to madness by their own uniqueness". I'll buy that.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
This reminds me why I decided to get away from that shit called society. It does not contribute anything good and only brings problems, now image, now shits, and they are unbearable.

Good thing I got rid of that garbage when I could. I mean, friends? Who the fuck needs them?

I was integrated into society longer than I would have liked and I can tell you that it is not worth it. It's overrated.
 
Sonnenblume

Sonnenblume

Sunflower Panda
Apr 6, 2018
588
Loneliness is not my reason for ctb but I am gut-wrenchingly lonely. If I didn't have any other problems besides being lonely, and had no way to fix it, yeah, I can see myself ctb'ing for that reason alone. Decades of it seems unbearable. But even when I had friends, I still felt lonely because they're always silly people I just can't respect. Had the same issue with boyfriends and dates, just too dumb lol. Can you be friends, long term, with people like that just because you're terribly lonely? Probably not, even though I tried hard. Sometimes I get lonely to the point I wish I had those friends back, even though I didn't really like them. But after I decided on suicide back in around September of last year, I knew I was destined to be alone.
 
chronicpainnomore

chronicpainnomore

Not Circling the Drain Anymore
May 31, 2018
310
In a way I think loneliness is a gift if you've decided to CTB. Because I have a family and that's the main thing holding me back, the effect it will have on them. They know I'm suffering, and I think they would understand that part, but it would still devastate them. I'm a broken shell of the man I once was.
 
Sonnenblume

Sonnenblume

Sunflower Panda
Apr 6, 2018
588
In a way I think loneliness is a gift if you've decided to CTB. Because I have a family and that's the main thing holding me back, the effect it will have on them. They know I'm suffering, and I think they would understand that part, but it would still devastate them. I'm a broken shell of the man I once was.

I'm sorry, it must be unbelievably difficult. Yeah if I had kids I wouldn't be able to ctb, unless I were terminally ill, otherwise I would feel too guilty. I chose to bring them into this world, so I'd want to do everything in my power not to hurt them. Not saying you should feel the same, just personally, that's how I'd feel. I always told boyfriends right off the bat, look, I'm miserable, I can't promise I'll be around forever. One of these days I may just have enough. I wouldn't seriously date anyone who couldn't accept that. But yeah, if you haven't had a conversation like that with your significant other, they will be totally blindsided. I'd feel guilty under those circumstances too. Life's so complicated *sigh*
 
chronicpainnomore

chronicpainnomore

Not Circling the Drain Anymore
May 31, 2018
310
I'm sorry, it must be unbelievably difficult. Yeah if I had kids I wouldn't be able to ctb, unless I were terminally ill, otherwise I would feel too guilty. I chose to bring them into this world, so I'd want to do everything in my power not to hurt them. Not saying you should feel the same, just personally, that's how I'd feel. I always told boyfriends right off the bat, look, I'm miserable, I can't promise I'll be around forever. One of these days I may just have enough. I wouldn't seriously date anyone who couldn't accept that. But yeah, if you haven't had a conversation like that with your significant other, they will be totally blindsided. I'd feel guilty under those circumstances too. Life's so complicated *sigh*
That is how I feel. And I feel like me CTB would be cheating them and hurting them. Yes, I suffer but is that a cross I have to bear? Would they forgive me, knowing I'm in pain? Knowing that the medical community abandoned me? Would they ultimately hold them responsible for not helping me? These are they questions and conundrums swirling in my brain 24/7.
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
638
Total Imbecile said:
Im talking about being a virgin at 20+ and spending weeks confined in your room with no human contact apart from the closest family members.

Weeks? Come August, it'll be one year since I last stepped outside. Although, that's just par for the course for me really. I can also count on one hand the other people I've very briefly spoken with outside of my mother, father & brother in over this past decade now. And those people were just complete strangers, anyway. Quick example being me going into the dentist to get my teeth cleaned and he robotically asks me how I am today and I just shortly reply that I'm fine. That's it. And even that was years ago now.

Here's just a brief rundown on my situation (which you can find described in more detail by my first few posts here, assuming you're interested that is). Anyway, personally speaking, I'm a textbook hikikomori. Have been for just about 11 years now. I'm also a kissless/holding hands-less/relationship-less virgin, high school dropout (only lasted 6 months before the stress/anxiety got to me), and I haven't had a single friend, either online or off, since very early grade school (although, to be honest, I've never really had any at all, given how I'd always keep everybody at arm's length throughout my life). My total time spent outside in these last 11 years (including time spent in a vehicle) is almost certainly less than 150-200 hours. Hell, I'm straining to even remember the last time I was outside completely on my own, for instance. What's more, I wouldn't exactly say that socializing online is easy for me. As a result, I usually don't tend to post very often. I seem to be getting "better" at it though, at least it seems that way for now. But, let's see what else. Hmm.....well, I've only had one real job in my entire life (outside of being a paperboy with my brother as a little kid) which lasted about two weeks. I briefly worked part-time at a local video store back around early June 2007 just before I became a total hermit, but quit after I couldn't be bothered to get there anymore. I was a pretty big fuck up at that job, though. Let a customer go without paying, accidentally took the store keys home with me because I forgot that they were still in my back pocket, broke the bathroom sink after I was tasked with cleaning the store's popcorn dispenser (etc.) Sometime afterwards though, once I was starting to regret my decision to quit (it was a pretty laid back job all things considered), my mother ended up telling me that, apparently, the manager himself had actually phoned here at one point, in the brief time while I was still working there, and was genuinely curious to know if I had a learning disability, or not. According to my mother, it would seem that he was literally on the verge of firing my ass for gross incompetence, so basically, unbeknownst to myself at the time, me quitting robbed him of the opportunity to do so. But, oh well. I'm just glad I was able to be such a nuisance to the scumbag on my way out the door. Hope he had fun fixing that sink. Prick.

Fortunately, my family has never had any problems with the way I live since becoming like this, and have never berated me to get a job/sort my life out. They both just accepted it. If anything, it's always been my internal critic giving me the most grief (I'm my own worst enemy, and all that crap). Knock on wood, but barring my parents dying or the world ending, I'll probably be able to stay as a hikki for the rest of my life. It's far from a guarantee, but there's also a possibility that my brother could take up the slack of subsidizing my existence after my parents can no longer do so, for whatever reason or another (including death). I suppose I should count myself "lucky" in that regard, but (*sigh…*) I don't know. You be the judge, I guess.

As far as loneliness is concerned, it's a very sporadic sensation for me. To be perfectly honest, for 9 out of these almost 11 years, I didn't get lonely at all. Ever. It's only been these last couple where that useless feeling has started to pester me like a cloud of gnats on a camping trip. Companionship with other humans is simply a fool's errand. I know this and, more than that, I feel it in every cell of my being. So why then, do I also paradoxically feel lonely? I honestly don't know. At this point, I basically look at loneliness mostly as some nebulously annoying bodily function. Like a recurring hemorrhoid of the mind that one just has no choice, but to put up with. At the end of the day, we're all drowning in a vast sea of shit. You're not going to be able to help anybody else and they're not gonna be able to help you. The only end result in any kind of relationship is more needless pain for both parties. It's really that simple. Besides, just like the nice jazzy tune below me says, people = shit, anyway. To put it more eloquently, my ultimate feelings towards other people can be summed up perfectly by Mr. White from the Sunset Limited.

Mr. White 1:
The truth is that the forms I see have been slowly emptied out. They no longer have any content. They're shapes only...a train, a wall, a world, a man...a thing dangling in senseless articulation in a howling void, no meaning to its life, its words. Why would I seek out the company of such a thing? Why?

Mr. White 2:
Every road ends in death, every friendship, every love. Torment, loss, betrayal, pain, suffering, age, indignity, hideous lingering illness...and all of it with a single conclusion for you and every one and every thing you have ever chosen to care for. That is the true brotherhood, the true fellowship. And everybody is a member for life. You tell me that my brother is my salvation? My salvation? Well, then damn him. Damn him in every shape and guise and form. Do I see myself in him? Yes, I do. And what I see sickens me.



Elaina said:

Why are you still alive?

Gee, I don't know. Because I'm a fucking worthless, spineless coward, maybe? Why else would I still be here? You, or anyone else here for that matter, are more than welcome to come round and put me in the ground for good. Hell, I'll even pay for the flight. I know you were asking that question to the other guy, but I guess I just felt like chiming in since our situations are so similar. By the way, sorry for being an asshole.
 
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Makhlebite

Member
Apr 8, 2018
32
No, it's not the sole reason for me. I have an ambivalent relationship with loneliness. On the one hand, I'm an introvert and like to be alone a lot of the time. At the same time, every now and then I do want a bit of human contact - but I can't get it in the way I want. I like hanging out with friendly company every now and then, but I don't particularly like doing smalltalk and all the other trivial shit needed to maintain a friendship constantly. I like the idea of being in a romantic relationship, but I have a big need for private space and don't want to live together with anyone full time. My ideal relationship would be something where my partner and I are permanently stuck in the "fallen in love, but not moved in together yet" phase, or maybe being a third wheel in a polyamorous relationship. Obviously, this is an impossible situation since there aren't actually people who want these kinds of friendships or romances (or rather, it's statistically super-improbable that I'll find some of them). Just another thing that makes me say - why bother?
 
dhk96

dhk96

Member
May 8, 2018
94
Pretty much in the same situation. Virgin. No friends or people to talk to, other than my family. But I don't speak with my parents or grandfather a lot, and my older sister who left us seems to get annoyed when I call her so I don't get to talk to her often either.

During the school semester, the only regular interaction I had was saying "thank you" to the people bagging my food at takeout. I probably went without saying more than 10-20 words most days. I was always bad at talking, making decisions, and such, but my ability to both speak and write has dwindled to nothingness now lol. Having to call people has always been a disaster for me too.

Since it's summer, I do TKD twice a week (one hour sessions) but I'm in my room most of the time. It's the only place I feel safe. I only go out for TKD and grocery shopping with my parents.
 
FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,786
Im not talking about the "my boyfriend is my only friend" or "I have friends but they dont understand me" kind of loneliness, Im talking about being a virgin at 20+ and spending weeks confined in your room with no human contact apart from the closest family members.

My life is otherwise okay, I have no worry in this world except that Im alone. I dont believe this situation will change EVER though

If you fit this description please reveal yourself, I cant be the only person like this


I'm a lot older than you. The last regular contact I had was the week before my mother died. I've been alone since then. I go months without using my voice. I've lived on the streets, traveled across the US and even internationally, and sheltered however I could. I've never made any friends in life. By this point, though I don't know why I'm so loathsome, I'm finally OK with it b/c I know it will be over soon.