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deflagrat

deflagrat

¡Si hablas español mándame un mensaje privado!
Apr 9, 2018
360
I am, and it makes me unemployable (I have almost 29, with no experience or degrees due to depression). Reading something just to forget everything in a few hours, being unable to understand a conversation if it's something complex, spacing out due to a mental problem that makes you forget about what you were thinking, being really bad at math...

I literally have no future, once my parents aren't there anymore to take care of me I won't be able to survive even if I wanted to, so it's just a matter of time, like cancer. I have learned not to care about my disability but it used to suck immensely back when I had hope. There is nothing for me in this world...
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
633
If being overwhelmingly inept, dimwitted & slow to learn or pick up anything counts as mentally disabled, then yes. For starters, I don't posses the attention span to read anything substantial beyond internet articles/random posts, can barely do basic arithmetic, am totally hopeless at anything hands on, and talking to anyone else besides my parents is a downright impossibility. I'm a high school dropout though, so I guess it really comes as no surprise. I also get lots of senior moments as well, where I'll be right in the middle of thinking, or even directly doing something, and then, mere moments later, completely forget wherever the hell it is I'm at, only for it to ultimately just not come back to me. Then of course there's all my other mental daemons which essentially, when taken altogether on top of what I've already mentioned, render me nothing more than a mental paraplegic (OCD, Social Anxiety, Autism/Aspergers etc.) Suicidal depression is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. In many ways, I have a lot in common with a fully domesticated zoo animal. Like them, I have no hope of survival outside of the cage I've constructed for myself. I'm a bird with no wings, no hope, and no future. Nothing, but an ever worsening situation and the slim chance of suicide to look forward to. This bottomless hole sure is deep.......

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BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
I wouldn't say conclusively that I do, but benzo withdrawal had left me with so much anxiety, fear, paranoia, I'm slow, can barely have a conversation, so maybe it's left me with a mild form of brain damage. I'm certainly not the person I used to be. Like imaginos, reading long articles, and new trying to hold onto new information is just a joke. I got no chance in this world.
 
S

ScaredOfLife

Arcanist
Jul 9, 2018
441
Same, it's so fucking tiring isnt it. Everyday is just so torturous.

It's very tiring. I used the very word "tortuous" today when talking to my psychologist, to describe what it's like inside my head. I'm afraid he's going to want to give up on me because I'm not getting any better. I've been in the mental health system since 2001 and had to leave a good job in 2008 due to the depression and anxiety. It was the first job I had after college and was a high paying job. Now I'm worthless. I will be leaving the planet soon, as soon as my affairs are in order. I'm planning on going with a bullet to the head. I've researched other methods, even tried ligature strangulation. The strangulation didn't work, but maybe I didn't know what I was doing.

I'm sorry you're suffering, too. I wish for us some peace once and for all.
 
BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
It's very tiring. I used the very word "tortuous" today when talking to my psychologist, to describe what it's like inside my head. I'm afraid he's going to want to give up on me because I'm not getting any better. I've been in the mental health system since 2001 and had to leave a good job in 2008 due to the depression and anxiety. It was the first job I had after college and was a high paying job. Now I'm worthless. I will be leaving the planet soon, as soon as my affairs are in order. I'm planning on going with a bullet to the head. I've researched other methods, even tried ligature strangulation. The strangulation didn't work, but maybe I didn't know what I was doing.

I'm sorry you're suffering, too. I wish for us some peace once and for all.
I feel you. Was doing well in the care field, was enjoying life, fair enough I fucked it all up myself, but never recovered, I've been in and out of the mental health system for probably 10 plus years now. It's a shitty existence, clawing onto something that will never be. Stupidly, when it comes down to it, if I could be happy I would, I feel they system hasn't done enough, the help is there, yet somehow not been given it, by showing them that I'm not as bad as I am. Well I'm at the end of my tether now. Fuck them, and fuck the people that have left me behind as they try and gather more of their superficial and meaningless happiness. Sorry for ranting. May we be at peace soon.
 
S

ScaredOfLife

Arcanist
Jul 9, 2018
441
I feel you. Was doing well in the care field, was enjoying life, fair enough I fucked it all up myself, but never recovered, I've been in and out of the mental health system for probably 10 plus years now. It's a shitty existence, clawing onto something that will never be. Stupidly, when it comes down to it, if I could be happy I would, I feel they system hasn't done enough, the help is there, yet somehow not been given it, by showing them that I'm not as bad as I am. Well I'm at the end of my tether now. Fuck them, and fuck the people that have left me behind as they try and gather more of their superficial and meaningless happiness. Sorry for ranting. May we be at peace soon.

Ranting is useful, and we're all here to listen and support one another. I really like this group. It's nice to have a place to come to to discuss plans, methods, emotions, etc.. It brings a sense of peace to come here.
 
FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,791
Others here have already said it well enough. After decades of consistently extreme depression, my mind has nearly stopped working. Ironically, despite the record suicide rates and all the virtue-signaling society does about caring about the suicidal (we know better), I don't qualify for any kind of aid, services. Or maybe I might, but the crap-storm you have to go through for others to consider if you're worth it is itself just too painful. So here I sit, trudging through site after site for the best method.

Why society pretends to care, I won't understand. They hate us--or at least the absolute rejects like me--anyway. Why not just look the other way while we leave? Help your children or spouses if you care about them (and they want the help), but let the rest of us--the ones you don't know and legitimately don't give a damn about--go. And toss in some painless, rapid methods through social service clinics. Beats the costs-to-society of dealing with us as dead weight for decades.
 
BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
Ranting is useful, and we're all here to listen and support one another. I really like this group. It's nice to have a place to come to to discuss plans, methods, emotions, etc.. It brings a sense of peace to come here.
Thanks, and totally agree, the only place where I feel like I belong, been bouncing round other forums, where their all clinging onto to the last tiny bit of hope, still wanting to exist in their shitty lives, believing that it will get better, well sorry bucko, it ain't. Trying to fit in like I have all my life resulting in disappointment, finally I feel accepted. And I'm sure many others have as well as we have.
I like this place!
 
S

Steve

Member
Jun 14, 2018
57
I wouldn't say conclusively that I do, but benzo withdrawal had left me with so much anxiety, fear, paranoia, I'm slow, can barely have a conversation, so maybe it's left me with a mild form of brain damage. I'm certainly not the person I used to be. Like imaginos, reading long articles, and new trying to hold onto new information is just a joke. I got no chance in this world.

Oh dear, I know what benzo WD is like. Neuropathic pain here and these, DP/DR, incredible anxiety. Even after acute I’m left feeling quite brain damaged too.

What are you suffering from now post-benzos?
 
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?

+ + + +

Member
May 30, 2018
48
Yes.

I have no inner monologue, no relationship with myself, my own feelings and needs, i'm only aware that I exist, and aware how unnormal I am. I watch my every action from outside, I'm never at ease. I've always been an observer rather than participant, I can't stand the attention because I don't know who I am. If I'd say it to someone, they'd say noone knows who they are, they just live somehow, but I'm in this state for years, every single second, my mind feels like it's in the rush to somewhere yet I don't do anything. Even if I'd have to watch a movie, it means I have to start living, because watching a movie, I'd have to step out of my weird tense mental state, my mind, that doesn't let me live. It means I'd have to 'go with the flow' and concentrate on the movie, not myself. I am ashamed that I exist since childhood, and I've embarrassed myself by saying wrong things in the past so many times, that's why I feel hundred times a day I want to get rid of my head. I say these things, because I want to belong, I want to socialise, but don't know how. I did this in forum also, and I hate myself. These are really rare more moments when I've felt comfortable in my own skin, and if life is like that to most people, then life is really worth living, at least it would for me..
 
BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
Oh dear, I know what benzo WD is like. Neuropathic pain here and these, DP/DR, incredible anxiety. Even after acute I’m left feeling quite brain damaged too.

What are you suffering from now post-benzos?
Anxiety, depression, fear, paranoia, can't look people in the eye, I seem to stare, but can't help it, panic when I have to walk past people, I freeze up when there is a handful of people. My digestive system is fucked, coupled with a eating disorder / unhealthy relationship with food, means I'm fucked. I'm fucking done living like this. Still get physical symptoms, I piss sweat out of every pore when I exercise. Even for short periods, so even getting out is hell, I don't enjoy doing anything, If I do, once I stop the negative thinking is even worse, even shopping is hell, evertime I try to do something it's like a reminder of how fucked I am and my desire to leave just increases.
 
S

Steve

Member
Jun 14, 2018
57
Anxiety, depression, fear, paranoia, can't look people in the eye, I seem to stare, but can't help it, panic when I have to walk past people, I freeze up when there is a handful of people. My digestive system is fucked, coupled with a eating disorder / unhealthy relationship with food, means I'm fucked. I'm fucking done living like this. Still get physical symptoms, I piss sweat out of every pore when I exercise. Even for short periods, so even getting out is hell, I don't enjoy doing anything, If I do, once I stop the negative thinking is even worse, even shopping is hell, evertime I try to do something it's like a reminder of how fucked I am and my desire to leave just increases.

Oh yes! It’s awful how the mind can become such an awful prison. I feel my heart palpitate and my head tighten whenever I pass by certain people. I ruminating and worry sometimes and when I do it’s an awful feeling again my head tightens up and my heart palpitates.

I previously had far worst symptoms, the neuropathic pain was the worst.
 
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BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
Oh yes! It’s awful how the mind can become such an awful prison. I feel my heart palpitate and my head tighten whenever I pass by certain people. I ruminating and worry sometimes and when I do it’s an awful feeling again my head tightens up and my heart palpitates.

I previously had far worst symptoms, the neuropathic pain was the worst.
I never got much pain, although I couldn't walk properly for a while, not it'ainly my guts and psych stuff. It's the psych stuff that's getting me though, the fucking brain dead feeling, not even thinking, just kinda shutting down, going inside my brain, like, I'm taking tamyself in my head, but Can't actually communicate on the outside. It's fucking weird. On top of everything else, well, fuck this shit. I've got used to the heart palps, but that chemical surge that 'wakes up' your whole body, for me I know I'm fucked when the tinnitus kicks in.
 
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S

Steve

Member
Jun 14, 2018
57
I never got much pain, although I couldn't walk properly for a while, not it'ainly my guts and psych stuff. It's the psych stuff that's getting me though, the fucking brain dead feeling, not even thinking, just kinda shutting down, going inside my brain, like, I'm taking tamyself in my head, but Can't actually communicate on the outside. It's fucking weird. On top of everything else, well, fuck this shit. I've got used to the heart palps, but that chemical surge that 'wakes up' your whole body, for me I know I'm fucked when the tinnitus kicks in.

Well on the bright side u didn’t contract some of the more severe withdrawal symptoms. DP/DR, confusion, stabbing pain, air hunger, lost sexual function, pains all over the body.
 
BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
Well on the bright side u didn’t contract some of the more severe withdrawal symptoms. DP/DR, confusion, stabbing pain, air hunger, lost sexual function, pains all over the body.
Well, I guess I forgot about them, you start listing and you seem to write the ones that apply at the time, I had major dp/Dr, still confused, the sexual function? Shit man, that went fucking years ago, although it is getting better, can actually rub one out theses days! Believe me man, I know how you feel. I do get moments where I'm feeling better, and it's like it never happened, can't even try to feel bad, if that makes sense. But I think I said before, just reached a plateau now, where I'm so flat, I got nothing. I dunno if this will interest you but I purchased some Ayahuasca ingredients, ain't really got much to lose at the moment, I mean, if it does help, then frickin a. If it makes me feel worse then I'm gonna CTB anyway. If your interested I made a post in off topic, I will update it once I get the ingredients and brew it up.
 
BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
Dont think i am but it would explain alot
Same feeling, yeah benzo withdrawal has fucked me, but I was ''off' before taking them. Must be something wrong with my fucking brain.
 
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Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
I don't think, but my capacity of concentration is extremely low, by far below average, causing me lots of problems when studying.
 
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Midnight

Midnight

Beyond solace
Jun 30, 2018
625
Yes.

I have no inner monologue, no relationship with myself, my own feelings and needs, i'm only aware that I exist, and aware how unnormal I am. I watch my every action from outside, I'm never at ease. I've always been an observer rather than participant, I can't stand the attention because I don't know who I am. If I'd say it to someone, they'd say noone knows who they are, they just live somehow, but I'm in this state for years, every single second, my mind feels like it's in the rush to somewhere yet I don't do anything. Even if I'd have to watch a movie, it means I have to start living, because watching a movie, I'd have to step out of my weird tense mental state, my mind, that doesn't let me live. It means I'd have to 'go with the flow' and concentrate on the movie, not myself. I am ashamed that I exist since childhood, and I've embarrassed myself by saying wrong things in the past so many times, that's why I feel hundred times a day I want to get rid of my head. I say these things, because I want to belong, I want to socialise, but don't know how. I did this in forum also, and I hate myself. These are really rare more moments when I've felt comfortable in my own skin, and if life is like that to most people, then life is really worth living, at least it would for me..

Can't imagine what it must be like to live like that. Hope you find peace whichever way it may be.
 
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BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
It is so thats why i live alone with minimal contact with other people
Same, everytime I try and socialize, it's stark reminder of how fucked I am, and just makes me feel worse, all the 'advice' people have has a negative result, I've given up trying.
 
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Tomasnil

Tomasnil

Mage
Apr 24, 2018
519
Same, everytime I try and socialize, it's stark reminder of how fucked I am, and just makes me feel worse, all the 'advice' people have has a negative result, I've given up trying.
Yea it just makes you feel vorse about your self and more diconnected to sociaty