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Amandye13

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2020
Messages
34
I cannot get over how awkwardly my body and my face are constructed. It gives me immesurable suffering and nothing else comes close to the pain. Not even my abandonment issues. Any coping or self regulating tool, toxic or healthy, doesn't create the slightest relief when I see my appearance. I feel like I am caught on fire when I feel the resistance towards my body. I wonder if anyone here struggles from this too. Something that offers a bit of relief is seeing I am not alone in this and maybe it helps you too.
 
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mikenoir

To cheer upon death: to see life as more beautiful
Joined
Nov 3, 2020
Messages
121
Well, I can relate very much.
I know that I’m ugly. It’s not the imagination, it’s genetics. I can look at my father as evidence I’m not crazy.
The thing is, there are alway girls I hear say I’m cute.
It makes me cringe. I just always think, what if they saw my face more closely? It makes me self-conscious as I go out. Hence I love these virus masks. And I tend to think that either they are desperate, exaggerating, or don’t have a good aesthetic judgment.
So it really does not make me confident in myself. And nothing can.
If you want advice from my experience, the more you look in the mirror, the more you want something to change.
Well, it ain’t going to happen.
 
Isadeth

Isadeth

Visionary
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
2,563
I endure body dysmorphia and currently in recovery for anorexia... and while it's not a reason for me to ctb, it's absolutely horrible to live with. It definitely disrupts my day. I'm sorry you're also experiencing it.
 
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mikenoir

To cheer upon death: to see life as more beautiful
Joined
Nov 3, 2020
Messages
121
Amumu said:
Believe me, it's not only about that. If only it was only about that.
No it ain’t only about that.
 
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xLosthopex

xLosthopex

The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
Joined
May 29, 2020
Messages
784
I have anorexia and body dysmorphia, it’s definitely not my main reason for wanting to ctb but I guess all my mental illness are codependent and/or feed in to one another
Like I don’t have one single reason for wanting to ctb but rather it’s an accumulation of various thing I’ve endured throughout my life
 
Isadeth

Isadeth

Visionary
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
2,563
xLosthopex said:
I have anorexia and body dysmorphia, it’s definitely not my main reason for wanting to ctb but I guess all my mental illness are codependent and/or feed in to one another
Like I don’t have one single reason for wanting to ctb but rather it’s an accumulation of various thing I’ve endured throughout my life
I relate to what you wrote so much ♡
 
Wrennie

Wrennie

〘 Latent Corpse 〙
Joined
Dec 18, 2019
Messages
1,002
I used to be okay with my body before a horrible drug interaction damaged my connective tissue beyond repair. Now I’m utterly miserable and look double my age. I also jumped out a window so my body is covered in scars now. My newfound appearance is my main reason for wanting to die, aside from drugs annihilating my libido and my parents’ abusive behavior toward me.
 
nerve

nerve

24 hour sleep cycle
Joined
Jun 19, 2019
Messages
843
I've been up late having panic attacks about how I look lately. Like just wanting to tear off my skin and claw myself out of my body.

I just want the thoughts to stop happening. I get that I'm ugly and wont be able to shed that no matter how hard I try. I get that this effectively makes me inferior to every other woman on the planet who doesn't look like utter shit. I get that my life's prospects are even more narrowed because of how I look. That stuff is fine, it's just the thoughts hurt me so much and benefit nobody. I get it, can I please go outside now without having to hold back tears every time I see someone who's prettier than me?

I don't do social media and I heavily restrict the media that I do consume ("safe" episodes of the same three "safe" television shows on loop for years) and it still feels like I'm always on the run from being ugly. If I'm not paying close enough attention, around every single corner, there's some reminder that I have a gross-looking body or I don't have the right hair color or I'm entirely the wrong race or something. I'm just tired. I want it to stop.

People make innocuous comments all the time about how women look and it feels like I'm being fucking carpet bombed. They don't mean anything by it, like I'm just not strong enough to exist peacefully in this world.
 
ZardozOmega

ZardozOmega

Narcissist Gay NEET-cel
Joined
Mar 4, 2020
Messages
725
It is one of the reasons, yeah. I wish I was taller, thinner and less hairy. Like a twink. Something like Broccolibutts. But alas, it was not meant to be.
 
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Konjac

Konjac

Experienced
Joined
Oct 25, 2020
Messages
222
Yeah, 100%. I've had a pretty extensive past with eating disorders, it's gotten quite severe at points but for now I'm in some sort of recovery. My self-image never improved, though. I refuse to look in the mirror and wear baggy clothes 24/7 to avoid looking at myself. I see myself as disgusting and hate leaving the house unless it's absolutely necessary. It sucks because I feel like I'm not taken seriously by therapy because I'm a guy. Even when I was inpatient I was hit with the 'mate you should eat more so you can get ripped' while the girls were treated seriously, with respect.

I think it has a decent part to play in my decision to CTB. I don't ever see myself living a truly normal life where I'm happy with myself and my appearance. Even in my recovery periods, the body dysmorphia is still crippling. Not to mention the issues I have with my general appearance, my face, my height etc. I feel subhuman. That being said, even if I suddenly woke up and was a 10/10, it'd probably make my life easier, but I'd still have other issues driving me to CTB. It's just one of many reasons I feel I have to die.

But, yeah. I've been close to going back to my old ways lately but I don't really see the point considering I'll CTB soon. Might as well just try to enjoy my last few weeks, let myself have foods I usually wouldn't allow. It's stressful at times, but I'm not gonna lose the recovery weight in just a month, so. Trying my hardest to avoid a relapse because it's just making me suffer more with no end goal.
 
Futile

Futile

Tired of being lonely
Joined
Sep 3, 2020
Messages
482
I don't like the concept of body dismorphia, it makes it seem that it's all in our head or something. The oppression against ugly people (especially males tbh) is real and actively encouraged by basically everyone. Lookism is no different than racism and it's society's problem
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
14,794
I'm tall but I only became tall around when I was 18. Before then and to this day I've always been fat so that didn't help for my body image. I also have a baby face but in my opinion not in a good way since it just makes me look fatter. If you look real closely at my face, there's actually parts of my skin that are a slightly different shade so it makes for a really ugly pattern. I'm also ashamed of how big my nose looks, especially how the bone protrudes a little. Oh yeah, and because I'm Asian my eyes are really squinty which also bothers me. And to top all THAT off, I've got a small wiener which certainly does absolutely zero favors for my confidence either.

Honestly I wish I could put myself through some kind of video game character editor thingy so I could actually make my body look more proportionally symmetrical too.
 
eclipsee99

eclipsee99

You’re a sky full of stars~
Joined
Nov 20, 2020
Messages
47
ive suffered with an eating disorder since i was 14. i was extremely overweight, then i became anorexic, and to this day i still suffer with eating. i just hate the image i see in the mirror, or in pictures. its definitely one of the factors i suffer with depression so badly, not a lot to care about when you hate yourself inside and out.
 
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mikenoir

To cheer upon death: to see life as more beautiful
Joined
Nov 3, 2020
Messages
121
Okami said:
It's one of the main reasons, yes. This body just feels so wrong.
It’s beautiful how we will have no affiliation with our body in due course. It’s not just the body. Whenever you look, the body reminds you of yourself, all your mistakes, problems, the person that’s inside that you despise.
 
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Anonymoussn

Specialist
Joined
May 12, 2020
Messages
383
My septum has deviated which has caused my nose to be off centre and to droop. And I'm reminded by it even if I don't look in the mirror, because my nose will run and I just generally have huge difficulties breathing out of my nose. I've been going to the doctors about it for the last two years but still haven't been able to see a specialist. Honestly, I'm in so much discomfort all the time that the way it has made me look comes a distant second.

But every time I look in the mirror I see a nose (and therefore a face) that isn't mine. I had a panic attack today just because I looked at myself in a mirror at work that I hadn't looked in in 6 months. Is that body dysmorphic disorder? Or is it just being rational because it's true? I don't know.
 
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Amandye13

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2020
Messages
34
greebo6 said:
Unfortunately I am ugly (no body dysmorphia ,I just am ugly) and it is one of the reasons I want to CTB .
That's what I meant exactly so I wrote body image issues, I hate the term body dysmorphia too, it's suffering from something that is real and people call you delusional for it. I so deserve to die.
 
I’vehadenough

I’vehadenough

Elementalist
Joined
Sep 15, 2018
Messages
847
Unlike you guys, something really did happen to my face. I was beautiful, then a guy attacked me and I look so horrible, I can't even get a date. So yes, it is the reason for my ctb
Can't live without my identity
Anonymoussn said:
My septum has deviated which has caused my nose to be off centre and to droop. And I'm reminded by it even if I don't look in the mirror, because my nose will run and I just generally have huge difficulties breathing out of my nose. I've been going to the doctors about it for the last two years but still haven't been able to see a specialist. Honestly, I'm in so much discomfort all the time that the way it has made me look comes a distant second.

But every time I look in the mirror I see a nose (and therefore a face) that isn't mine. I had a panic attack today just because I looked at myself in a mirror at work that I hadn't looked in in 6 months. Is that body dysmorphic disorder? Or is it just being rational because it's true? I don't know.
Idk bc my whole face got fucked up, so imagine if it were more than just your nose. I don't consider it bdd because it's not an exaggerated flaw. It's very real. And it ruins your life whether you let it or not. You are not treated the same by people. I have panic attacks everyday
 
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A

Amandye13

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2020
Messages
34
I’vehadenough said:
Unlike you guys, something really did happen to my face. I was beautiful, then a guy attacked me and I look so horrible, I can't even get a date. So yes, it is the reason for my ctb
Can't live without my identity
That's horrible but don't devalue other people's pain because they didn't experience what you did.
 
I’vehadenough

I’vehadenough

Elementalist
Joined
Sep 15, 2018
Messages
847
Amandye13 said:
That's horrible but don't devalue other people's pain because they didn't experience what you did.
I don't, just saying it's probably not bdd that I have. But if anyone wants to ctb because of their looks, I don't blame them.
 
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throwitaway

Member
Joined
Aug 20, 2020
Messages
5
I don't think any of my conditions will be the soul reason I ctb, but it's how they interact:
I'm trans and bdd really does not help with that, so much dysphoria. On top of that I have bpd, I crave love and attention, but I know I can never have it because I am so repugnant. How could anyone want me if I can't even look at myself?
I just feel like my propsects for happiness are non existent.
 
Void-Hearted Echo

Void-Hearted Echo

(They/them pronouns)
Joined
Oct 12, 2020
Messages
184
I'm not the gender I was born as. So I have gender dysphoria and in many ways dysmorphia, as even if I was to become the guy I want to be, I'm still not going to be an attractive one.
 
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Amandye13

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2020
Messages
34
throwitaway said:
I don't think any of my conditions will be the soul reason I ctb, but it's how they interact:
I'm trans and bdd really does not help with that, so much dysphoria. On top of that I have bpd, I crave love and attention, but I know I can never have it because I am so repugnant. How could anyone want me if I can't even look at myself?
I just feel like my propsects for happiness are non existent.
For a long time I was looking to get a MTF plastic surgeon because of how disgusting and awkward my body looks and it's not fixable because it's in the bones. The bpd is heavy on me too with all attachment and abandonment issues I have. But it doesn't come close to how much I am tired of being, feeling, seeing, touching my body.
 
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AlienGirlTrappedInMi

New Member
Joined
Nov 2, 2020
Messages
3
I do. Girls of my ethnicity considered the least attractive in my country. I am not at all beautiful, Protuding eyes, Big fat nose, Dark skin with small pox marks, Dark circles, Neck rings as a result of Insulin resistance, Obese and thin hair, like you can literally count the hair strands in my head with excessive facial hair growth, My mom was Narcissistic, her dressing up is modest, I was always slut shamed for taking care of myself, excercises are even slut shamed, waxing, she slut shamed, neglect from childhood, dirty cloths with very low self esteem and self respect for myself. Grew up with out friends. I always thought I was awkward and didn't know how to socialize. But then I realised, I was ugly. I was always adviced in school to dress properly, that is neatly by my friends and teachera. It is just I was ugly. I remember my 6th grade, 8th grade and 11th and 12th grade teachers commenting on my appearance, "look at your face and dress", oh my god! How innocent I was. I remember being voted as least attractive girl in the class when I was 17, and the boys in my class shouted my name for being on the bottom of the list. Awkward! My mother never let me to socialize. It seems she wanted to raise a morally clean daughter, her way of doing it was not sending me out anywhere. I never had friends, I was not even allowed to go to my terrace. My parents torture me.