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No Future

No Future

No One
Aug 6, 2018
96
If you're here, it's because you've had, or are having, the notion to off yourself. That's a shitty, obvious truth.

Recently, I've found that these thoughts shouldn't be inherently negative. I feel you can have suicidal thoughts/tendencies without them being all-consuming. Wondering how many people here honor the choice, and are actively trying to help themselves, even if the thought to kick the bucket is always in the back of their mind.

Diet, exercise, hygiene, therapy, meditation, medication, companionship, art, yoga, bird watching, interpretive dance or whatever the fuck you like - is there anything YOU do to try and alleviate pressure, that isn't self-destructive?

There's a lot of cyclical discussions here. Most feel trapped, some truly are, but I believe to some extent, some people don't give themselves a chance.

Let me be clear: I'm not settling up a pro-life discussion. I'm entirely pro-choice. I find a lot of solace in the choice to have a metaphorical trap door when shit is too much. I'm just genuinely curious to learn of people who are trying to crawl out of the fog; whether they are somewhat successful or not, or those that yearn to improve but feel truly, inescapably trapped.

Holla.
 
Ashpac

Ashpac

Lost and always will be.
Jul 22, 2018
797
If you're here, it's because you've had, or are having, the notion to off yourself. That's a shitty, obvious truth.

Recently, I've found that these thoughts shouldn't be inherently negative. I feel you can have suicidal thoughts/tendencies without them being all-consuming. Wondering how many people here honor the choice, and are actively trying to help themselves, even if the thought to kick the bucket is always in the back of their mind.

Diet, exercise, hygiene, therapy, meditation, medication, companionship, art, yoga, bird watching, interpretive dance or whatever the fuck you like - is there anything YOU do to try and alleviate pressure, that isn't self-destructive?

There's a lot of cyclical discussions here. Most feel trapped, some truly are, but I believe to some extent, some people don't give themselves a chance.

Let me be clear: I'm not settling up a pro-life discussion. I'm entirely pro-choice. I find a lot of solace in the choice to have a metaphorical trap door when shit is too much. I'm just genuinely curious to learn of people who are trying to crawl out of the fog; whether they are somewhat successful or not, or those that yearn to improve but feel truly, inescapably trapped.

Holla.

Im trying to get better and turn my life around. There is now light at the end of the tunnel which has not been there for many years. I am looking for a job and hoping to start my A Level in December and then my next A level in June 2019.

I believe stepping down as a MOD was the right choice for me so I can recover although I am grateful for the mods/admins for all that they have done for me. They all do a great job on this site and I am still happy to help out on here when im not working or studying. That includes reporting things that should not be on here.

I am very much pro choice and that will never change. If people want to end their life or turn their life around I support both options and wish them nothing but peace and happiness.
 
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No Future

No Future

No One
Aug 6, 2018
96
I tried very hard and nothing made my life better. At age 35 I have a good frame of reference as to what my future will be like if I continue on living. I know my self and have a sharp understanding of my limitations.

Completely fair, and I would never attempt to undermine your inner acknowledgements

I can't find any motivation to do anything of this nature. I feel like it is pointless since i will be dead soon.

Motivation isn't reliable. Motivation requires inspiration, which is found through discipline. I hear you, but do not believe you're powerless. Starting is by far the hardest part.

Im trying to get better and turn my life around. There is now light at the end of the tunnel which has not been there for many years. I am looking for a job and hoping to start my A Level in December and then my next A level in June 2019.

If people want to end their life or turn their life around I support both options and wish them nothing but peace and happiness.

All the best, my man. We have a similar outlook, I also considered a mod position, but likely stopped pursuing it for much the same reasons you did. Proud of you.

I'm not actively trying to improve things, but I'm just taking life as slowly as possible to try to keep things level

Keeping level will at least allow for rational thinking, which is entirely necessary before anything else. I'm glad to hear you've not caved in - there's solace and consolation in that. Keep it up.

Everyday bro.

I go to the gym as often as I can. I read as much as I can. I've taken up new hobbies such as papercraft and programming. I volunteer once a week. I want to be the best possible me I can be.

Perfect. I appreciate a little optimism round these parts. Good on you, mate.

i cant improve. im too exhausted

I know this feeling all too well. All the best, I hope you're able to find some comforts, even if they're only fleeting.
 
Fcancer

Fcancer

Student
Sep 24, 2018
184
I have been chronically depressed with a slice of extreme anxiety for about 13 years or so, I think this lengthly period of untreated depression has killed off any emotion inside of me. My thought process has been very robotic and methodical for many years now, and doesn't seem to involve any form of emotion or feeling. Thats why I feel strange reading a lot of stuff on here, because I don't hate the world or people(not that theres anything wrong with that, each to their own). I don't mope around sad and upset, I just know at some stage once every i has been dotted and every t has been crossed that I will have a job to do and will carry it out like any other task. I often wonder if there are others like me.**but no I just go about my normal daily business(which is nothing really since sickness), have stopped really trying to improve as ran out of steam awhile ago.
 
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T

TheDarkness

Member
Apr 8, 2018
30
Improve what exactly for me it's just I need to make as much money as needed to move out and live life but in the end it's all just death anyway, so I just don't care.

I don't diet that much but I don't eat like a pig
Therapy wouldn't do much but pump my body full of drugs personally I'm in the mode of just not caring but I still want to die though to hell this with pressure, anxiety, fear driven BS there are very few things that would make me want to stay on this planet any longer than I have to.
 
U

undertherainbow

Member
Sep 21, 2018
80
I see suicide as my last resort when I'm not going through a PTSD episode. During an episode, it's my only option.
In between episodes I do try to take care of myself by
Trying to grow my business
Therapy
Medication
Exercise
Hygeine/clean house/good food
Keeping a routine

But when I'm not in the present and find myself reliving the past, all of those things end up on the wayside . I am working on fixing this. Apparently the future is nigh because theres a therapy treatment that can help you relive and reprocess your memories so it's not so debilitating...problem is...my while life is a traumatic memory. So many things set me off....
 
S

Schopenhauer

Enlightened
Oct 3, 2018
1,136
I've tried long enough. My life has improved, but it still sucks. I've lost weight, I've a good job, I even had a few happy relationships. But the crushing weight of life itself is unsustainable for me. I'm not mean for this world...
 
Deleted member 2141

Deleted member 2141

The angel of choice is enduring.
Aug 30, 2018
5,309
In the longterm, no, I don't believe that I am trying to improve. I am merely putting up a front IRL so that people won't be concerned and interfere with my decision and ability to suicide. I know that suicide is an inevitability in my future and the longer I live, the worse things become. Sure, there are distractions and niceties in day to day life and some pleasure, but in the long run, death is what awaits me and I'd rather die than to experience worse circumstances or get into a situation where even if I lose my ability and capability to end it on my own terms (physical illnesses, disability, losing access to certain methods - whether being committed against my will, lack of money, etc.).

As of now, during the interim, I am just biding my time, enjoying what little pleasure there are in life while quietly planning my demise without arousing suspicion of the people around me IRL.
 
Susannah

Susannah

Arcanist
Jul 2, 2018
480
Oh yes! I've tried (still do) tai chi, yoga and meditation. I also workout, spend a lot of my time out in the nature. Music therapy works from time to time. I guess my main problem is that people (mostly family) trust me to help them, in all matters. It's been like this for so many years that I'm stuck in this role. Always saying yes if being asked to help. I used to think that they would help me when I needed it, in return. But they didn't and don't. It's heart- breaking, and made me feel so lonely and deeply sad.

No training or music or yoga can fix how disappointed I am.
 
Angst Filled Fuck Up

Angst Filled Fuck Up

Super duper enlightened
Sep 9, 2018
1,680
I have multi layered problems that can't be unraveled through will or effort. All my attempts to help myself are, if I'm lucky, just small bandaids on the giant, gaping wound that is my life. But most things I try are ineffective, so as such, I try not to bother fixing things anymore. Sometimes I think it's best to just laugh and know you're fucked than to writhe and struggle like a fish on the end of a hook. I've been there and done that, and to me, it's a waste of time as the disillusionment is always the worst part of trying to get better. Making life as tolerable and comfortable as I can is my only real goal at this point.
 
Gainax

Gainax

Experienced
Oct 8, 2018
266
well i started learning about personal development with tony robbins


then i learned about spirituality and fitness with helliot hulse channel

https://www.youtube.com/user/elliottsaidwhat/videos

then learn about the holy trinity
Mind
Body
Money

then the importance of setting s.m.a.r.t goals (long term , mid term ,short term ) and evaluate and adapt
brian tracy and stuff

then i learned how to be carefull with women, don't let them fuck up your life by marring the wrong one

https://www.youtube.com/user/EntrepreneursInCars/videos

started going to a therapist and Expressed myself
taking meds and see if they worked
started going to the gym
invest in my education

but then..i realise something, this only works for the younger crowd, 16-30, no matter how hard you try to change your life you still have to face the gatekeepers of society and after a certain age..you're pretty much fucked by society

Since i only accept living life in my own terms, if im not allowed to because of my age then ..fuck society, ill rather kill myself and put an end to my misery


This i why i go pro life on the younger crowd who spent their days masturbating into self-loathing, wishing to die ..yada yada yada
many without even trying to fix their problems

don't go to therapy
don't try meds and change them if not working
don't try ioga and other forms of relaxing
don't do physical exercise
don't set goals in life
etc etc etc
 
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bigj75

bigj75

“From Knowledge springs power."
Sep 1, 2018
2,548
Basically if you haven't tried to obtain all of maslows hierarchy of needs then you don't know if improvement is possible.

I feel thats true imo.

Have good health, sexual companionship, hobbies, income, shelter, and friends. If you have those things it's hard for that person to be depressed in my opinion.
 
T

TheDarkness

Member
Apr 8, 2018
30
Basically if you haven't tried to obtain all of maslows hierarchy of needs then you don't know if improvement is possible.

I feel thats true imo.

Have good health, sexual companionship, hobbies, income, shelter, and friends. If you have those things it's hard for that person to be depressed in my opinion.

Personally you can find that even people with those things still get depressed because maintaining them can be even more stressful than just getting them in the first place.

For me when it comes to certain things I'm happy with just good health, friends, income and shelter being no brainers because I can't have my hobbies without them a sexual partner isn't something I care for it can lead to loads of crap and drama I don't want in my life.
 
O

okyeah

-
Jul 20, 2018
425
Thinking about giving life one final try after I get my hands on nembutal. I'll probably take my meds, workout, work hard at my job etc. If I still find myself wanting to die in 1-2 more years then I will end it 100%.

Pretty sure I can't fix my situation though. I could easily be successful financially but that doesn't help me at all. No point in having financial goals like owning a house and stuff when you're just alone with it all.
 
G

GeorgeEastman

Arcanist
Sep 3, 2018
473
No point in having financial goals like owning a house and stuff when you're just alone with it all.

Could you stand to buy somebody? People are for sale. I don't mean the damn black market or anything, but a lot of people just want others for money.

I could buy somebody, but not with this curse. I can't really deal with being around people at all. Constantly anxious around anyone, even relatives now that they got older and freaky. There's nobody left for me. No chance to mold someone into what I need. Calm, quiet, small. They don't exist. Everybody smells too strong, talks too loud, they're too big, make unexpected movements. They all freak me out.

Yeah, I really need to keep on living...pffffffffffffffffft.
 
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O

okyeah

-
Jul 20, 2018
425
Could you stand to buy somebody? People are for sale. I don't mean the damn black market or anything, but a lot of people just want others for money.

I could buy somebody, but not with this curse. I can't really deal with being around people at all. Constantly anxious around anyone, even relatives now that they got older and freaky. There's nobody left for me. No chance to mold someone into what I need. Calm, quiet, small. They don't exist. Everybody smells too strong, talks too loud, they're too big, make unexpected movements. They all freak me out.

Yeah, I really need to keep on living...pffffffffffffffffft.

And that's the real irony isn't it. Everyone is fake and there is no true love. I would know, my "friends" and my girlfriend all deserted me when I fell on hard times. I suppose it would be nice to have that money though because it's really under your control whether you spend it on others.
 
G

GeorgeEastman

Arcanist
Sep 3, 2018
473
True love may exist if you find it when you're young. Once you're 35 like I am, it's all damaged goods. Damaged goods are always fake and just acting out of desperation.

True love is you marry a high school sweetheart and luck into it lasting. Anything else in the love game is nothing more than legalized prostitution.
 
Radaghest

Radaghest

Member
Oct 11, 2018
79
I dont do anything I used to love to do.
I work...a lot.
I go to Doctors...doesnt help.
I take meds....doesnt help.
I check myself into hospitals....doesnt help.
I have risky sex...doesnt help.
I self harm....doesnt help.
I tell people who say they care that Im suicidal..doesnt help...they tell me to fuck off.
I sleep...a lot.
98% of the time I feel dead inside and bitter.
 
Nem

Nem

Drs suck mega ass!
Sep 3, 2018
1,492
Let's see, Dr nearly killed me a few years ago and suffered brain, kidney, nerve and muscle damage. Tried hard as hell to recover, regretted taking the meds (ex demanded I keep taking them after two days in I wanted to stop-we were on a hellcation at the time), regretted the relationship (at times) and my life has gone straight down hill.
I honestly have no idea why I'm still alive in the first place, lost so much in life, health, career and a few other things. The most important was losing my health...that was the final straw and have been sick ever since.
I would say I have no choice but to ctb, my life is a disaster right now and before I met my ex things were pretty good, not now though and I can't see how they can improve. Dr never even got in trouble for nearly killing me and fiance threatened break up if I sued. Gainax is correct in saying the wrong partner can screw your life...holy shit can it ever!!!
 
Susannah

Susannah

Arcanist
Jul 2, 2018
480
Let's see, Dr nearly killed me a few years ago and suffered brain, kidney, nerve and muscle damage. Tried hard as hell to recover, regretted taking the meds (ex demanded I keep taking them after two days in I wanted to stop-we were on a hellcation at the time), regretted the relationship (at times) and my life has gone straight down hill.
I honestly have no idea why I'm still alive in the first place, lost so much in life, health, career and a few other things. The most important was losing my health...that was the final straw and have been sick ever since.
I would say I have no choice but to ctb, my life is a disaster right now and before I met my ex things were pretty good, not now though and I can't see how they can improve. Dr never even got in trouble for nearly killing me and fiance threatened break up if I sued. Gainax is correct in saying the wrong partner can screw your life...holy shit can it ever!!!
I'm really sorry to hear about your lost life. And you're so right about the health issue. I also lost mine, due to a major wrong- treatment in surgery (after accident). Unlike in USA, it's impossible to "fight" the health system if the surgent do mistakes. Big hug.
 
littlelungs

littlelungs

Arcanist
Oct 21, 2018
492
I've been actively trying for the past 20 years. I've seen more GPs, paediatricians, neurologists, orthopaedic surgeons, psychologists, psychiatrists, nurses and social workers than I can count. I've been on antipsychotics, SSRIs, benzos, anticonvulsants and mood stabilizers. I've done both group therapy and one-on-one therapy. My bookshelf is full of self-help workbooks. I've been hospitalized. I've tried mindful breathing, sticking my face in a bucket of ice, taking warm baths, travelling, making new friends, going for hikes and learning new languages. I've gone back to university multiple times and switched careers at the flip of switch in attempt to find some sort of purpose for myself -- I'm now on disability. I've fucked random strangers, self-harmed, binged and purged until I thought my stomach was going to rupture, and drunk myself stupid in attempt to fill a void I know I never could.

I've been through the ringer in the mental health system because it seems that literally nobody knows what to do with me. I'm still actively getting professional help and trying to improve + take care of myself in my own time, but I honest-to-God feel like a ticking time bomb. I'm trying to hold on for dear life to anything that can possibly keep me afloat before I (inevitably) snap.

I'm just tired.
 
2

2211264

Member
Sep 7, 2018
160
Basically if you haven't tried to obtain all of maslows hierarchy of needs then you don't know if improvement is possible.

I'm familiar with the pyramid and it makes so much sense to me.
I decided I would end my life of my own accord, whilst I was at the "top".
I got to the top of the pyramid, but life and everything in it still didn't mean much to me and everything felt numb. The car the house the GF, the social circle, the job, etc etc. I just don't care about it.
Right now I'm trying to find something to distract me from wanting to ctb. But if its still there in another 2/3yrs. Then it will be time to eat my shotty