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Marystevenson1001

Marystevenson1001

-
Aug 17, 2018
69
This is just some of my writing from a while back when I had hope of getting help. Just thought I'd share and maybe someone could relate. I've kinda lost hope that any boat would come at this point.


Attachment is not the problem that I seek help for. It's the lock that prevents me from opening the door to the possible solutions to the real problems. Attachment prevents me from getting what I need from everyone. From anyone.

It's like living in poverty. Poverty itself is not the problem. But poverty prevents people from getting their needs met.

Attachment is a barrier between me and wellness. It's a brick wall. An ocean bigger than all the oceans in the world combined.

If what you needed was on the other side of the ocean and there was no way to cross the ocean to get it, wouldn't you just give up? Wouldn't it be hopeless?

People get on boats and they speed away...waving. and I wave back. But there is not a boat for me. Why isn't there? Why can't I just get in the damn boat? And people get frustrated with me for not being able to. They think because they can, I should be able to as well.

Its like yelling at people who are holding a sign to get a job. It doesn't make them more able. It doesn't remove the barriers.

They just feel worse for being misunderstood about something they can't do. How does getting angry with a blind person make them see?

They need a seeing eye dog. Or a white cane to navigate the world. They navigate things a little differently, and they'll never be able to see "normally" but they can live an abundant life regardless.

The homeless person needs someone to be willing to provide the financial assistance and emotional support so they can get a job. Once they get a job, more doors will open and their self worth will emerge. They can have a meaningful existence.

So where can I rent the boats? Who would be willing to give me one. Or teach me how to get in one if an empty one emerged? I have no idea. Until then I just stand there with a sign, unable to see, feeling judged but not helped. Yelled at but not loved. I do not have a meaningful existence, and attachment is not the problem.
 
FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
375
Yes. Being able to trust people and build relationships. I've always been told that is my problem. And have never been able to do it.
Well, I can definitely drink to that, buddy. I have the same problem. Avoidant to the core. Desperate for approval but unwilling to risk rejection. I tend to think these problems stem from how my dad treated me when I was a kid. He'd shower me with approval and love one minute, then furious condemnation the next. After thinking about it a lot, I've come to believe that I might have been better off if he'd been a dick consistently. That way, I would have cared about his approval less. He treated my brother much, much worse, and he seems to be less effected by the experience. Of course, I am also just a huge wimp. How about you? What do you think is the root of your trust issues?
 
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Marystevenson1001

Marystevenson1001

-
Aug 17, 2018
69
I don't really know. The only person who ever cared about me (my dad) ctb when I was 10. I always knew I would die this way someday but previous attempts just made my life worse so I didn't want to try again til I was certain not to fail. This site is amazing for that reason. But I am dismissive avoidant, mostly recluse only leave my house if I absolutely have to. When I wrote this I had hope for change. I thought maybe I could learn HOW to be good at relationships or how to even want them. They make my skin crawl. But now I've lost hope in that. But I'm not sad about it. I feel empowered that I don't have to try to be what some people think I should be. I am who I am. And when I'm ready, I will go confidently.
 
FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
375
I don't really know. The only person who ever cared about me (my dad) ctb when I was 10. I always knew I would die this way someday but previous attempts just made my life worse so I didn't want to try again til I was certain not to fail. This site is amazing for that reason. But I am dismissive avoidant, mostly recluse only leave my house if I absolutely have to. When I wrote this I had hope for change. I thought maybe I could learn HOW to be good at relationships or how to even want them. They make my skin crawl. But now I've lost hope in that. But I'm not sad about it. I feel empowered that I don't have to try to be what some people think I should be. I am who I am. And when I'm ready, I will go confidently.
I'm sorry about your dad. I am anxious avoidant and struggling to make peace with that. Part of me is still holding on. Just when I think I have safely divested with hope, it comes crawling back again to haunt me. Though I still cry and drink about being alone, at least it's much less often nowadays. I try to think of it as a kind of chronic disability. There's people with much worse ailments out there who learn to adjust their daily life and expectations. I should too.
 
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Marystevenson1001

Marystevenson1001

-
Aug 17, 2018
69
There's people with much worse ailments out there who learn to adjust their daily life and expectations. I should too.

Thank you for the sentiment about my dad. They always say that parents who ctb are awful selfish people. I disagree. I wished he would have killed me too.

But, the only thing you SHOULD be doing, imho, is being exactly who you are, andadoing whatever you feel is right for you. Shoulds are usually dictated externally---from others or from society or whatever...
 
GenesAndEnvironment

GenesAndEnvironment

FUBAR
Jan 26, 2021
5,197
Apparently I'm an even split between: Fearful avoidant, anxious preoccupied, dismissive avoidant and secure. A few years back I was 100% dismissive avoidant but the skin hunger has really gotten to me, heh.