M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,036
I absolutely adore my dog. To the point thinking about her death, or even thinking about her being sad bringing me to tears. Not teary eyes, I mean sobbing. But I can't lie, her existence is the only thing keeping me alive.

I am not asking for her to die so I can die, too. Her death would hurt me more than anything. Well, it will hurt me more than anything, unless I die before her in an accident, robbery or whatever. She clearly enjoys living and my company, so I won't take that away from her, but wow, it is so hard to keep going. There is just too much stuff destroying my mind in an every day basis. And I can't do anything about it, not without breaking my dog with my death. Do believe me when I say she is obsessively attached to me. She follows me around in the house, she waits for me on the front gate when I go to the supermarket, she waits on the sofa (facing the gate) when I leave for drawing classes. She even sleeps in my bed. Do you not think someone like her wouldn't be super sad if I suddenly disappeared forever? She could recover after some time, but some dogs don't last after their owners die. Some stop eating, and... die.

I wish I didn't care.

I mentioned a few things that bother me here, but there is more. I keep trying to live, to achieve something, but I am utterly broken and sick. I am mentally ill, that is my only explanation. Where do I begin?

1. I am prude as hell and I don't even know why. Sexual content in media completely kills my interest, I detest sexual jokes, etc. But why? Everyone seems to like this stuff, why can't I? Why do I have to suffer pointlessly for something so silly? Humans are sexual creatures, why did I have to be broken even on this? Maybe it is because I don't like my body much. Maybe I am jealous. Yeah, that is probably it. These days even seeing pretty people makes me twist inside. I just wish I wasn't like that. It takes away that little joy I still have in this life.

2. I have been learning how to draw, which is a massive pain. It is so difficult, even taking classes. I just thought since I will be alive for a bunch of years still (or not, who knows when my doggo will leave me behind... she seems healthy enough, though), I should dedicate my time into something. Worst case scenario, I wasted time. Wow, big deal. Not like I have anything to do with my time in this stupid life. Best case scenario, I somehow find a reason to live even after my dog kicks the bucket, which is unlikely, but who knows? Seems unlikely considering point 1 is absolutely wrecking the sanity I still have left. Also, learning how to draw when you have back problems is pure joy. 15 minutes of practice and my body is begging me to lay down because of back pain. Courtesy of my "wonderful' family's genes.

3. I am old. No, I am not 70 or even 50. I am just nearing 30. But I am old, both in spirit and in age. I have lived 27 years, but in 27 years, I must have lived one year at most. Do you get what I mean? Most of my life was... Nothing. Numbness. Gosh, I envy normal people. Going to parties, having fun, etc.

4. I am SO lonely. I have never been this lonely in my life. No one other than my dog and a friend who lives in another country. Holy hell, it hurts. I can't fathom why someone would actively want to be completely lonely, it is maddening. To think I had quite a few "friends" when I was a teenager. I mean, I already knew or expected my life would be a shit show even when I was just a kid, but I didn't expect this.

I guess I am just having yet another shitty day, and there is nothing I can do about it. The only friend I have, aside from my dog, doesn't really have much to say other than pro-life bullshit. Aside from them, I have no one and talking to myself, to spirits or whatever that could be listening to me doesn't help at all.

So even if no one reads this, at least I am voicing my pain.
 
F

FakeNews

Student
Apr 30, 2018
150
It would be easier if we didn’t care, that’s for sure. I think that the group of us here score much higher on the empathy scale than society as a whole.

It’s interesting to me that so many of us think the grass is greener on the other side.

Sorry that you are having a shitty day, but thinking of you wearing a gothic Lolita dress makes me think non-prudish thoughts..... ;-)

Hope you get a good day soon.
 
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M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,036
It would be easier if we didn’t care, that’s for sure. I think that the group of us here score much higher on the empathy scale than society as a whole.

It’s interesting to me that so many of us think the grass is greener on the other side.

Sorry that you are having a shitty day, but thinking of you wearing a gothic Lolita dress makes me think non-prudish thoughts..... ;-)

Hope you get a good day soon.
Hehehe. Thank you.

That is an interesting thing to say, which brings the point: I am by no means a saint. I have my desires. It is just that seeing other expressing theirs (visually, in particular) bother me to not end.
 
F

FakeNews

Student
Apr 30, 2018
150
We are each different. But it makes me happy to know that you aren’t a saint. Just know it’s always easier for a saint to become a slut than the opposite direction....... and you are still young (at least compared to myself.)

Wrap your arms around your puppy. Feel her heart beating, hear her breathing, look into her eyes. That is unconditional love.

My days/ weeks go up and down. Hope you get a few good ones in a row so you can catch your breath.
 
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M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,036
We are each different. But it makes me happy to know that you aren’t a saint. Just know it’s always easier for a saint to become a slut than the opposite direction....... and you are still young (at least compared to myself.)

Wrap your arms around your puppy. Feel her heart beating, hear her breathing, look into her eyes. That is unconditional love.

My days/ weeks go up and down. Hope you get a few good ones in a row so you can catch your breath.
I wouldn't be opposed to becoming a slut (not a prostitute or anything like that, though; Too dangerous). At least I would have fun.

I could use some fun.

Thank you very much. We all need good days. The more of them, the merrier, but like the wonderful Bob Ross said: We need some sadness once in a while, so we know when the good times come. I am waiting on the good times now.
 
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L

Life sucks

Visionary
Apr 18, 2018
2,139
It sucks we are like robots somehow and nature or others can hurt our parts and make it irreparable.

I think everyone is different but I can understand the frustration about sexuality. I can relate but with different example, whenever I have anhedonic period and I see people enjoying the (game, movie, activity..etc)but not me, I feel very bad. Maybe not totally related.

I'm different and I enjoy these sexual stuff and probably one of the few things that make me enjoy in life. However, I don't like to talk to others about it and I'm isolated generally and keep my interests within myself so its just fantasies. People also are toxic and judgmental and use sexuality as derogatory sometimes.

But the good part about yourself is being honest. There are many people who pretends to hate these stuff to others but secretly enjoy so they keep their "image".
I think your honesty and consistency can help you overcome it if you want. This may be unrelated again but there are stuff I hated but after time and thinking, practicing or whatever I liked or loved it. I'm not suggesting anything and only assuming the hate is the normal baseless one and not complicated (past problems for example).

I really wish I know how to draw but I wish more about music, I know nothing and mind is a composition machine, it keeps making music and I listen to it.


I think you have interesting mind and don't care about your age. I know its hard as we live the nothingness. But honestly for me I learned very much instead of participating, for me this knowledge is one of the most important things I have in life. I don't regret the past because I know the world is bad. If the world was good I'll regret. The things I regret only not doing what I want to do, learning Japanese or playing more games or watching anime, not learning music.. etc

I'm lonely also but I choose it. I see some people and enjoy some activities but not very much. Yea loneliness is hard but I think I'm used to it. Now I have countless reasons to be isolated. I think the process is highly personal because it is accumulate through the lifetime.

Finally, on the main topic, yea, to care about something/someone is hard and thats one of the reasons why life sucks. Everything ends and one ends before others. It is very sad even with inanimate objects. I don't know why we should suffer like this? Saying goodbye to everything eventually.


But don't feel bad about yourself, life sucks and not you
 
M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,036
It sucks we are like robots somehow and nature or others can hurt our parts and make it irreparable.

I think everyone is different but I can understand the frustration about sexuality. I can relate but with different example, whenever I have anhedonic period and I see people enjoying the (game, movie, activity..etc)but not me, I feel very bad. Maybe not totally related.

I'm different and I enjoy these sexual stuff and probably one of the few things that make me enjoy in life. However, I don't like to talk to others about it and I'm isolated generally and keep my interests within myself so its just fantasies. People also are toxic and judgmental and use sexuality as derogatory sometimes.

But the good part about yourself is being honest. There are many people who pretends to hate these stuff to others but secretly enjoy so they keep their "image".
I think your honesty and consistency can help you overcome it if you want. This may be unrelated again but there are stuff I hated but after time and thinking, practicing or whatever I liked or loved it. I'm not suggesting anything and only assuming the hate is the normal baseless one and not complicated (past problems for example).

I really wish I know how to draw but I wish more about music, I know nothing and mind is a composition machine, it keeps making music and I listen to it.


I think you have interesting mind and don't care about your age. I know its hard as we live the nothingness. But honestly for me I learned very much instead of participating, for me this knowledge is one of the most important things I have in life. I don't regret the past because I know the world is bad. If the world was good I'll regret. The things I regret only not doing what I want to do, learning Japanese or playing more games or watching anime, not learning music.. etc

I'm lonely also but I choose it. I see some people and enjoy some activities but not very much. Yea loneliness is hard but I think I'm used to it. Now I have countless reasons to be isolated. I think the process is highly personal because it is accumulate through the lifetime.

Finally, on the main topic, yea, to care about something/someone is hard and thats one of the reasons why life sucks. Everything ends and one ends before others. It is very sad even with inanimate objects. I don't know why we should suffer like this? Saying goodbye to everything eventually.


But don't feel bad about yourself, life sucks and not you
Thanks. I think if most people kept their sexual fantasies and desires for themselves (and their partners), things would be better. You don't need to show everyone that you have a foot fetish or whatever.

Can I ask what you hated, but eventually loved after trying? It is okay if you don't want to answer.
 
L

Life sucks

Visionary
Apr 18, 2018
2,139
Thanks. I think if most people kept their sexual fantasies and desires for themselves (and their partners), things would be better. You don't need to show everyone that you have a foot fetish or whatever.

Can I ask what you hated, but eventually loved after trying? It is okay if you don't want to answer.

I can but not sure to say it publicly or not