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InsidiousDormouse

Member
Jul 3, 2018
79
I'm going to cut this as short as I can.

The reason I am planning on exiting this world soon is mainly because I am suffering the most horrendous withdrawal from 'research chemical' Benzos. I was forced into a cold turkey from a dose equivalent to 1000mg of Diazepam on most days, yeah, 1000, not 10 or 100, 1000mg.

The addictions service that were supposed to be helping me with a codeine addiction, who put me on Subutex, refused me any medical assistance with this dangerous addiction, they only offered me threats to cut the Subutex off too if I did not stop and provide a clean test in 6 weeks, which is medically impossible.

Legal highs were also made illegal here in 2016, meaning I could no longer access them online.

I stopped abruptly in 2016 with NO help at all, NO medical help AT ALL.

I received no medical assistance at all, I just had to stop. It has been the most horrendous experience any human being could possibly go through. Every day was consumed by wondering if that second, minute or hour would bring a grand mal seizure that would fry my brain. Sadly that never happened, I so wish I had had a huge seizure and died back before I had to go through all this.

I have so many symptoms I cannot count them. My body feels as if there is a constant electric current running through it, I have Tinnitus so badly I am almost deaf in my right ear, I am so tired I am often unable to get out of bed, I have severe gyne problems, PMDD, horrific pain related to this, I cannot walk more than a few yards without stopping because of sciatic pain in my right leg, this pain alone has ground me down like a millstone over the past couple of months. I cannot keep myself awake, I fall asleep trying to watch tv or play games etc, all that stuff makes my husband and others think I am 'taking' drugs again.

all worsened by the withdrawal to a point I can no longer bear many more days, let alone years.

I have lost everything that was remotely good to this mistake. Since I was forced to live like this, in prolonged withdrawal day in, day out, I have lost ALL of my friends through not being able to leave the house or socialise properly,

I also have Asperger's Syndrome, and subsequently I am a drain on my family. My mum pays for a support service for me, and some of it WAS funded by social care, but I got a letter yesterday telling me that was stopping. So now she has to foot the full bill. Apparently they think I am not bad enough. Oh if only I was able to tell them what my life is really like, if they knew about this post, they'd probably pay for all of it, but as many of you will know, it doesn't work like that. My mum's done enough for me, my stepdad died from cancer in 2014, in pretty much the same way my biological dad did, she does NOT deserve any more burdens.

Having AS also means having very high anxiety levels already, so can you imagine what the Benzo withdrawal is like? The main symptom of withdrawal is severe anxiety. I can't do it anymore, I am tired. I feel like I have naturally come to the conclusion of my life and this is my time anyway. I have lived a whole lifetime. I am years ahead of my time, my experiences have made me who I am, withdrawal defined me even more.

The benzos allowed me to be me, I had more of a life. It seems this world is not ready to accept that drugs are not always a destructive force, for me they actually helped me, addiction or not, I was all in all a more functional person ON them than I had ever been, but that's a crime, that's awful, that's so very wrong. It's not wrong to force someone to live like I do now, but it is wrong for someone to feel 'ok', and to feel as if they belong in the world as opposed to being a total drain in it like I am now.

I have such a great, burning, stinging empathy for ANYONE in any kind of distress or suffering, illness or hardship, I am well versed in hiding my true emotions too. I learned to be stoic and collected, to never cry in front of others and certainly never tell them how you really feel, that leads to more false allegations.

The last time I tried that it was with one of the support people and she asked me outright 'what have you taken?!'. I was just really upset, I was in level 10 pain with my period, I had been up for three days, I was breaking up under the strain of the constant sensation every single one of my cells in my body is vibrating.

If I were to tell anyone, it would result in accusations that I was 'taking drugs' again and it would just restart the vicious cycle of mental health services, who DO NOT UNDERSTAND Asperger's Syndrome OR Benzo withdrawal. They are of no help at all to me.

I have lost my health, I have lost all my friends, I cannot do my hobbies anymore, I can't do the things that would have distracted me from how things are. I cannot even draw or paint or make sculptures anymore because of muscle spasms and pain in my hands.

My home situation is far from ok, my husband acts like every tiny thing I do may be related to 'drug use'. How it effects him I do not know, nobody forced him to take drugs. He takes them for his back condition, but that's ok, doctor says it's ok so it must be. We argue most days over stupid things like washing or me having a go at someone outside for making noise etc. I can't stand sound or noise, this was my Asperger's but it's been made unbearable by the withdrawal too. I worry I will be arrested or sectioned soon as the slightest noise sets me off, like someone's car alarm going off or someone hoovering up etc.

I am so badly damaged that I have PTSD-like flashbacks to the 'acute' phase of the withdrawal

He is trying to set up his own online business because he lost his job due to ill health and he really needs my help. Once I see this is working, I will take the next steps to leave this world for good. There is no changing that, ever. I have made up my mind now that I cannot live like this anymore. There is no help so I have to help myself.

I know when my brain dies, I won't hear noises anymore, dead brains don't hear. I won't feel the constant vibrating sensation anymore, I won't feel like I have flu all the time, I won't struggle to take in a deep breath, I won't get chest pains, I won't have pins and needles in my hands and feet all the time, I won't have excruciating sciatic pain in my right leg that stops me walking more than a few yards

I have had SO many choices taken away from me, the Benzos were the only thing that made my life bearable, they managed my anxiety so I could enjoy things, but now everything has gone.

I hope it's quiet and still when you die, no more ringing ears and vibrating sensations, just quiet. I do sort of believe in an afterlife, everything I once believed has been challenged or destroyed though, knowing my luck I will go from hell to somewhere worse.

The only method I have that's not violent or bloody is helium asphyxiation. I have read SO much about it. I have one tank already and the plastic tubing, but probably need another tank and a regulator (is this really needed?). It is one of those party balloon ones but from what I can find, if no other ingredients are listed, then it's 100% helium. I first learned of this method via the story about Nikki Bacharach, Burt Bacharach's daughter, who also had Asperger's Syndrome and could no longer bear living like this. I doubt she had the withdrawal on top, this is the turning point for me, the deciding factor.

I have done a lot of research, I started doing this last year, I am not going to fuck this up if I can help it, I owe it to the people I care about to release them from the burden that is my life, and to finally give myself peace from these awful symptoms that NEVER let up.

I am sorry for my dog, I love her to bits and will do what I can to make sure she is able to have a good life after I am gone. I cannot provide the enriching life she needs though, I can barely manage her walks now.


I just hope I can at least do this without any problems, everything I do is fraught with problems and errors.
 
YaYaDr

YaYaDr

Student
Jun 26, 2018
128
Wow, this is simply stunning. I cannot imagine the amount of suffering you must endure to deal with aspberger's, chronic pain, and withdrawal all at the same time. Add to this the lack of support by a system that probably had a hand in causing your addiction and I am impressed that you can make it through a day. The more I read stories like yours, the more I realize how even though the cause of our individual pain might differ, we are all united in a desire to end it all despite living in a world that insists every life should be made to run its natural course regardless of quality. Thanks for sharing.
 
Severen

Severen

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,819
I'm in a similar situation. Not as bad as your situation but similar. So I can understand you, somewhat. And you'd have to be insane to want such an existence to continue.
 
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war-is-lost

Student
Apr 15, 2018
124
I am also going through benzo withdrawal though the symptoms are not as bad as yours. But I can definitely relate to what you wrote. I am sorry I cannot offer anything to relieve your pain, it is really hell on earth. My exit to a large extent is due to what the benzos have done to my life. I can't fight this battle any more.
 
S

Steve

Member
Jun 14, 2018
57
I only took 20 days of benzos and those pills already made me suicidal with close to 6 months of hell. I had unbelievable anxiety, shaking legs, DP/DR, confusion, stabbing pains in my chest, and blaring tinnitus. What more years of Valium at 1000mg?!? I can totally relate to the stinging zapping pains all over the body.

Add that to your other woes, I can only imagine the suffering you’ve been going through.
 
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BellaKAT

BellaKAT

Student
May 20, 2018
172
I'm so sorry for everything you're going through - obviously it's more than just the benzo withdrawal alone. I know in periods of time I went through benzo withdrawal ( I wasn't suicidal at the time) but during those time I became severely suicidal - it's a terrible experience and I feel for you. Personally I'd try to see what happens if you can get through the withdrawal because it could be the main reason you feel like this but like I said I understand you have your other reasons too.
 
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Nauseated

Nauseated

Insomnio
Jun 26, 2018
224
I too am here mainly because of a horrendous benzo withdrawal I had to go through on my own with no medical or emotional support. It robbed me of my entire life. I sympathize with you beyond belief as I suffer from Ptsd like symptoms from my withdrawal but no one takes anything I went through as serious or even believes the magnitude of how bad it was so I just dont talk about it anymore. It was pure endless torture and my brain and body has been left devastated from the ongoing stress and strain of that endless withdrawal it was pure hell for several years non stop no break no letting up no one can take that level of torture for that long without breaking. It is a shame it doesnt get the attention it deserves opiates don't have anything on the special kind of hell benzo withdrawal is capable of but yet thats all you hear about.
 
BellaKAT

BellaKAT

Student
May 20, 2018
172
I too am here mainly because of a horrendous benzo withdrawal I had to go through on my own with no medical or emotional support. It robbed me of my entire life. I sympathize with you beyond belief as I suffer from Ptsd like symptoms from my withdrawal but no one takes anything I went through as serious or even believes the magnitude of how bad it was so I just dont talk about it anymore. It was pure endless torture and my brain and body has been left devastated from the ongoing stress and strain of that endless withdrawal it was pure hell for several years non stop no break no letting up no one can take that level of torture for that long without breaking. It is a shame it doesnt get the attention it deserves opiates don't have anything on the special kind of hell benzo withdrawal is capable of but yet thats all you hear about.

Luckily my experience did not last years - but I didn't take them super long. it certainly was as bad though as you describe. I think opiates vs benzo withdrawal - opiates might show more aggressive acute physical symptoms while benzos produce more mental/psychological agony. Both include both though
 
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Nauseated

Nauseated

Insomnio
Jun 26, 2018
224
Luckily my experience did not last years - but I didn't take them super long. it certainly was as bad though as you describe. I think opiates vs benzo withdrawal - opiates might show more aggressive acute physical symptoms while benzos produce more mental/psychological agony. Both include both though
I was on high dose of klonopin for over 4 years its also used to prevent seizures so my withdrawal included seizures as part of the experience. I didnt know at the time I was having them I was extremely isolated and left to do it on my own I had no idea what was going on. I also experience complete insomnia for days at a time for at least two years my sleep schedule was to be awake for usually 3 days then sleep a couple hours then repeat this led into having severe hallucinations and extreme paranoia. I have been through heroin and oxycontin withdrawal and after a week the physical part was essentially over and the mental part afterwards was like a walk in the park compared to klonopin. The first week off H was deff more physical but it was over so quickly its the long drawn out torture of benzos that make them incomprehensible.
 
Nauseated

Nauseated

Insomnio
Jun 26, 2018
224
Also, something that has helped me if you are not doing this already. Go out and buy some magnesium glycinate or citrate if you cant find glycinate and take a ton of it but work your way up or you get insane diarrhea, this will help a lot with the nerve muscle spasms and in general help with relaxation and anxiety. Go get a big bottle of vitamin C with added rose hips and take a fuck ton of it you can take as much vitamin C as you want until you reach bowel tolerance (which just means diarrhea). Your body needs both of these in large quantities right now, It will help. Just make sure to work your way up on both of them so you arent constantly shitting your pants and make sure you are drinking a ton of water and eating a well rounded diet and getting all your other nutrients too. Stay the fuck away from caffeine and alcohol or other drugs it will make everything worse even if you think its helping in the short term. hot baths with epsom salts are a god send if its not too hot out to take baths this time of year. Another important thing to do is make sure you are getting lots of sunlight this is really important.
 
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I

InsidiousDormouse

Member
Jul 3, 2018
79
Thanks for the replies everyone, sorry I didn't get back sooner but I was trying to sort stuff out for husband's website and trying to fathom why I can't get on the servers on Minecraft, heh.

Opiates are easy, all you do with them, specially ones like Codeine, are pretend you have really bad flu for a couple of weeks and do the same stuff you do when you have flu. I wish I'd known about Benzo withdrawal when I got myself addicted to Codeine, and just dealt with it this way like a couple of people I know have. One of my best friends almost died from abusing over the counter pills with codeine in, because they contain other shit like Ibuprofen. I hoped my stomach would burst and kill me like his almost did. Thankfully he survived, but I hoped this would happen to me, sadly I was not so lucky.

I could easily have put up with that for a couple of weeks, even a couple of MONTHS would have been nothing compared to this. I told myself I would try and do two years, it's two years for me in September. I cannot lie and say I have not experienced huge improvements, but those improvements are not improvements to my physical state of health. My body is shot, I can't even walk a few yards.

I cannot take supplements or vitamins or anything like that without having a severe reaction to it. Vitamin D caused me to go to the hospital on three separate occasions because the muscles in my chest and throat went into spasm and my hands 'clawed' up.

I've had tests for everything like Parkinson's, Huntingdon's disease, MS, all sorts, but nothing ever showed up.

Obviously there are other reasons for my decision too, nothing about my existence has been easy and I will explain more at some point.

I wish I'd never met my husband, now someone else's life is going to be devastated by another of my choices. I think, in all honesty, he will be happy that I am not 'complaining' every single day, which I don't, but he says I do. I learned to take my lot and not complain a long time ago.

I don't think he means to but when I try to talk to him about anything he is usually watching TV or playing a game or otherwise occupied and the main reply I get is 'yeah' or 'I am not listening because you're going on and on, I've shut off'. So I told him he doesn't know who he's living with. Part of me wonders how he'd react if he knew of my plans, he'd probably dismiss it as me wanting attention, which is the last thing I want or need right now.

He thinks the worst part was me taking the drugs in the first place, he does not know anything about this really. He knows about the withdrawal but he doesn't know just how bad things have got. It will stay that way.

If I didn't really want to leave this world soon I would go about telling other people and have another go at getting 'help'. I am so deep into the lie of telling people I am ok I think I've convinced most of them. Nobody can interfere if they don't know.

I have not interacted with another human on a social level for a long time now, since this began two years ago. People think I was a 'heroin user' and do not want me in their houses or near their kids.

I have helped so many of them out with so many things, I have tried to contact people I know and once spent a lot of time with but they don't want to know, too busy with their own lives to make time for a filthy druggie like me.

It will be no loss on this world the day I decide to leave, I promise you all that much. My dog is my biggest worry, she cries when I leave the house. I don't want her going back into kennels either, she had a shitty life living on the streets, I am not sending her back to the rescue.

She's filled that void where people once were better than any human being ever could. She's a bullmastiff/presa, she looks like a right thug dog but she is the most gentle soul you could know. It was a toss up between an Akita, a Rottweiler and her when I went to get her, if she had been taken, I would have landed up with one of those other two, but I am so glad it was her.

A tiny part of me still wishes I could somehow go on, but I am well versed in the hard lessons of real life, and those have taught me that living on in this condition is not going to be living at all. I can't even have an existence, let alone a life.

I have no place to start when it comes to rebuilding my life after this, I am not even a shell of the person I was. A shell would be great, it would be a foundation on which to rebuild my shit, but I don't even have that, withdrawal has taken everything from me.

My ears are getting worse, I hear a variety of phantom humming noises and things that sound like alarms going off. I heard someone blowing a whistle yesterday on the street, just kids having fun as they walked by, so I really tried not to go outside and blow my fuse, but I can still hear that this morning. It's like sounds make an impression on my brain and stay playing long after they stop.

High pitched sounds like that of a hoover or alarm etc resonate in my head often for days after. My ears feel like they are stuffed up with cotton wool, then these phantom sounds begin.

I also hear things that sound like whispers and voices. This happens if I eat, drink or take something that makes this all even worse.

I see, smell and hear many things that are not there.

Imagine this for someone who already has many sensory issues due to having Asperger's on top?

I got no help at all with any of this, a drug addictions place let me down, a doctor decided that letting this happen was fine. In my opinion, that doctor was in breach of their oath to do no harm, as look how much harm happened to me.

I got my medical file and it was full of errors, and how they outright dismissed my struggle to get on a taper based on something called the Ashton Manual, look it up.

I didn't want to stop but figured if I had to, it could be made easier, the only thing is nobody would prescribe benzos for the taper. I was just told to stop asking for drugs and get on with it on my own.

What do you guys here think about accountability? can anyone ever be or should they ever be, made to feel their actions lead to someone taking their own life? I don't really want this but I want there to be some purpose to my death, and that is perhaps to awaken people and prevent someone else having to go through what I did.

I don't really want to leave a note much beyond the instructions for caring for my dog, but should I leave something to the effect that this withdrawal is the main reason and people are actually liable for that in some ways?
 
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not_a_robot

not_a_robot

"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
May 30, 2019
2,124
This thread came up under my poll about Asperger's and empathy.
I will put you down as another Autistic who feels excessive, burning, stinging empathy.
Hope you are ok.
 
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deathenvoy

Experienced
Mar 29, 2019
215
I'm so sorry it happened to you. No one should be forced to withdraw from benzo cold turkey. What RC benzo have you taken?
 
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