• Welcome! SanctionedSuicide is a forum for the discussion of mental illness and suicide. Please read our rules and our Principles.
    If you are in need of immediate support, please call the Samaritans hotline at (877) 870-4673, or check our recovery resources.

fuckthis

fuckthis

I've made up my mind.
Sep 23, 2018
264
I can't get over the fact that a person I've been speaking too for months, someone I thought I could trust, stabs me in the back and blocks me. I feel like literal shit. It fucking sucks. When you isolate yourself for months and stay inside of your house every single day the slightest bit of social interaction with another human being does wonders. It is crazy. We're not designed to live like hermits yet I continue to live my life as a caveman would. Sitting in the darkness, staring off into my LCD screen as the brightness that is emitted acts as the only light source during those really dark and lonely nights.

I hate being lonely. I'm really tired of it. I used to spend nights listening to music, amping myself up so that I could finally end it all. Of course that would never happen because I am still here. Suffering silently as those around me dawdle and drink alcohol. Sputtering absolute dribble as they idle about and slowly kill themselves from the poison that is somehow legalized and ok to drink. But those who want to intentionally die are suddenly shunned away and shoved into some looney bin as if they have some sort of complex and are insane. "Life's a bitch but how could you possibly be suicidal!? Life is great, right guys?". I am so sick of the pro lifers who are 'high on life'. They are delusional and just piss me off.

It's almost a kick in the teeth. A complete disregard for those who are actually suffering. I also hate it when people start to invalidate how I feel because of my age, and just relate it too my teenage angst. It is so stupid how society looks at things. During the years you develop and grow it is apparently just your hormones acting up, but as soon as you're a little older people start taking you seriously, and by then all the possible remedies are least likely too work because you've literally spent most of your life prior growing up in a toxic environment. By then you have already formulated how you feel about the world and then when you eventually consider suicide people go ape shit.

When you meet someone online and you you let your guard down with them you start to trust them, you start to think that the friendship you had was authentic. Then you express your suicidal thoughts and they say everything's going to be fine. Then they are able to find where your mom is working at, phone her and warn her about the parcel of pills. Then they block you. So everything you had told them, all of the things you thought they'd understand goes down the shitter, and you are left with a paranoid mother and no way out. Months of conversation... gone. You start to see the bigger picture and begin to realize that she didn't understand anything at all, you find this out when you check their profile and find that they are not at all affected by what happened. It burns.

I just want a way out for fucks sake. I just want to die right now, I am ready. I am ready. I am sick of death, and how It looms over us. It's the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last before I go to sleep. I just want to get this rope and just get it over with. I wanted to die through SN, I wanted to slowy fall asleep whilst listening to my favourite music and drift away forever. But that is no longer possible, and that's something that hurts even more. This person stopped me from committing suicide, what she thought was a good thing. But she has prolonged my pain. I am still suffering, and my life is much harder because I have very limited options at this point. Fuck this. Fuck everything I am done. I can not even find a high enough place for me to jump from that is near me. I have nothing. I can't even kill myself. I am useless, and she just continues to live her life. The life that is full of happiness. She has friends, she has a masters degree and a well paying job, she has a loving family and those that care. What do I have? An ugly fucking face and fuck all to my name.

If anyone out there knows me and owns a gun, find me and blow my fucking head in. PLEASE.
 
Last edited: