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sky7

sky7

Student
Aug 21, 2018
109
I've been off the site for a few days because I was in the hospital. I want to thank the administrators and moderators for running this site and making a safe place available to share one's most troubling thoughts and experiences without fear of criticism, judgment, or intervention.

As ironic as it is, being here for the past month helped get me through a really bad depressive episode. As I've stated in other posts, I have Bipolar II and have had chronic suicidality going back at least 15 years. Most of the time it is passive with flare-ups where my suicidal ideation becomes active with plans and intent. I went through the worst brunt of it late last week and started feeling as if the worst had past on Monday and considered the advice received on my last thread about "talking to someone outside the hospital" [my employer].

Initially I was going to try to get a same day appointment with my psychiatrist Wednesday to get back on medication. But after leaving work Tuesday night I decided that I was in a brief moment of clarity and that my resolve to seek help might vanish by morning. So I went to the ER just after midnight. I had already accepted the likelihood that I was going to be hospitalized. And after answering the "do you have a plan, the means, and intent" questions as "yes," it was a done deal.

Fortunately, I was only in for 3 days. I think removal from my work environment helped a lot, in addition to the medication. I am fortunate to respond to antipsychotics very quickly, though the mood stabilizer will take some time. But the true test will come when I go back to work on Monday. And I've talked with my family about it (something I really haven't done before). They have finally begun to understand the validity of mental illness. My mom told me that for the last couple weeks I had been scaring her, that she had figured out I was off my medication, that I needed it but that she didn't know what to do. I haven't discussed it with my dad though. He's still of the "tough-it-out" mindset and wouldn't even visit me last time I was in the hospital.

I am not posting this as a pro-lifer, because I am still pro-choice. My choice right now is giving it another try, because I am just not ready to face the music.

And I'm not going to use the platitude that "it gets better." The negative, contextual aspects of my life are still there as is the hopelessness that the future may never improve. That may never change, but at least I may be able to cope with it.

Thanks for enduring my post. I know its long but I wanted to share it anyway. Maybe someone can get something from it.
 
Desperate_Soul

Desperate_Soul

I'll See You Guys On The Other Side Of The Rainbow
Aug 26, 2018
1,980
tumblr_o97ftuSYzd1qc4uvwo1_500.png


Sanctioned suicide will always be here for you if you ever need anything. <3
I'm beyond happy for you, sky. Good luck and have a happy future.
 
Temporarilyabsurd

Temporarilyabsurd

NOISE:signal
Apr 27, 2018
439
I have found it very helpful here too .
I understand , as am drifting towards leaving this site ,
Cheers .
 
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M

Morning Angel

Useless Broken Wings
Aug 8, 2018
619
I’m sure it took a lot of courage to post this, and I applaud that you’re still willing to push toward internal progress despite how hard it may be at times. I may have some practical advice you could possibly find useful in managing moods; feel free to pm me if you’re interested. Either way, best of luck!
 
Last edited:
Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,630
I've been off the site for a few days because I was in the hospital. I want to thank the administrators and moderators for running this site and making a safe place available to share one's most troubling thoughts and experiences without fear of criticism, judgment, or intervention.

As ironic as it is, being here for the past month helped get me through a really bad depressive episode. As I've stated in other posts, I have Bipolar II and have had chronic suicidality going back at least 15 years. Most of the time it is passive with flare-ups where my suicidal ideation becomes active with plans and intent. I went through the worst brunt of it late last week and started feeling as if the worst had past on Monday and considered the advice received on my last thread about "talking to someone outside the hospital" [my employer].

Initially I was going to try to get a same day appointment with my psychiatrist Wednesday to get back on medication. But after leaving work Tuesday night I decided that I was in a brief moment of clarity and that my resolve to seek help might vanish by morning. So I went to the ER just after midnight. I had already accepted the likelihood that I was going to be hospitalized. And after answering the "do you have a plan, the means, and intent" questions as "yes," it was a done deal.

Fortunately, I was only in for 3 days. I think removal from my work environment helped a lot, in addition to the medication. I am fortunate to respond to antipsychotics very quickly, though the mood stabilizer will take some time. But the true test will come when I go back to work on Monday. And I've talked with my family about it (something I really haven't done before). They have finally begun to understand the validity of mental illness. My mom told me that for the last couple weeks I had been scaring her, that she had figured out I was off my medication, that I needed it but that she didn't know what to do. I haven't discussed it with my dad though. He's still of the "tough-it-out" mindset and wouldn't even visit me last time I was in the hospital.

I am not posting this as a pro-lifer, because I am still pro-choice. My choice right now is giving it another try, because I am just not ready to face the music.

And I'm not going to use the platitude that "it gets better." The negative, contextual aspects of my life are still there as is the hopelessness that the future may never improve. That may never change, but at least I may be able to cope with it.

Thanks for enduring my post. I know its long but I wanted to share it anyway. Maybe someone can get something from it.
Hi.
It is lovely to see a recovery post and I sincerely wish you well on the road to recovery.It's great that you recognise the need for help and actively found it.
When I feel sucicidal it's very difficult to accept help and it's only because the police became involved that I was hospitalised.The step on this road is admitting you are unwell which is an achievement in itself.I am sorry your dad is not on board but take the support from your mum and he will come round when he has more understanding.
I find that a suicidal mentally is hard to change and becomes a normal and acceptable way of thinking to ourselves regardless of what others think.
So respect to you.x
 
azucaramargo

azucaramargo

Enlightened
Sep 16, 2018
1,010
I've been off the site for a few days because I was in the hospital. I want to thank the administrators and moderators for running this site and making a safe place available to share one's most troubling thoughts and experiences without fear of criticism, judgment, or intervention.

As ironic as it is, being here for the past month helped get me through a really bad depressive episode. As I've stated in other posts, I have Bipolar II and have had chronic suicidality going back at least 15 years. Most of the time it is passive with flare-ups where my suicidal ideation becomes active with plans and intent. I went through the worst brunt of it late last week and started feeling as if the worst had past on Monday and considered the advice received on my last thread about "talking to someone outside the hospital" [my employer].

Initially I was going to try to get a same day appointment with my psychiatrist Wednesday to get back on medication. But after leaving work Tuesday night I decided that I was in a brief moment of clarity and that my resolve to seek help might vanish by morning. So I went to the ER just after midnight. I had already accepted the likelihood that I was going to be hospitalized. And after answering the "do you have a plan, the means, and intent" questions as "yes," it was a done deal.

Fortunately, I was only in for 3 days. I think removal from my work environment helped a lot, in addition to the medication. I am fortunate to respond to antipsychotics very quickly, though the mood stabilizer will take some time. But the true test will come when I go back to work on Monday. And I've talked with my family about it (something I really haven't done before). They have finally begun to understand the validity of mental illness. My mom told me that for the last couple weeks I had been scaring her, that she had figured out I was off my medication, that I needed it but that she didn't know what to do. I haven't discussed it with my dad though. He's still of the "tough-it-out" mindset and wouldn't even visit me last time I was in the hospital.

I am not posting this as a pro-lifer, because I am still pro-choice. My choice right now is giving it another try, because I am just not ready to face the music.

And I'm not going to use the platitude that "it gets better." The negative, contextual aspects of my life are still there as is the hopelessness that the future may never improve. That may never change, but at least I may be able to cope with it.

Thanks for enduring my post. I know its long but I wanted to share it anyway. Maybe someone can get something from it.
So glad you got yourself to the hospital. I was hospitalized this time last year, and neither of my parents came to visit me either. They sent sweaters, but couldn't make it up there. That really hurt. I'm curious about the type of work you do. Of course, I'm not trying to pry. You sound very functional, and I applaud your holding down a job -- something I've struggled to do of late. So, that's the only reason I asked about your field of work, but of course, you don't have to tell me. So glad you're feeling better, and I like your self-care routine (e.g., getting yourself to the E.R.). A big hug to you.
 
sky7

sky7

Student
Aug 21, 2018
109
So glad you got yourself to the hospital. I was hospitalized this time last year, and neither of my parents came to visit me either. They sent sweaters, but couldn't make it up there. That really hurt. I'm curious about the type of work you do. Of course, I'm not trying to pry. You sound very functional, and I applaud your holding down a job -- something I've struggled to do of late. So, that's the only reason I asked about your field of work, but of course, you don't have to tell me. So glad you're feeling better, and I like your self-care routine (e.g., getting yourself to the E.R.). A big hug to you.

To answer your question, I am a mental health worker in a hospital. I used to not be as functional, this is the first job since leaving the military that I’ve held down for longer than a year.
 
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azucaramargo

azucaramargo

Enlightened
Sep 16, 2018
1,010
To answer your question, I am a mental health worker in a hospital. I used to not be as functional, this is the first job since leaving the military that I’ve held down for longer than a year.
Congratulations. That's awesome!
 
sky7

sky7

Student
Aug 21, 2018
109
Its kind of funny though. I’ve spent so much time on the site since joining that even though I’m not wanting to end it anymore, I’m bored out of my mind not being here and so I have returned, but limiting it to the off-topics forum.