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Circles

Circles

There's a difference between existing and living.
Sep 3, 2018
1,733
I don’t know if this make sense but I can no longer see myself living in the near future. Even when I don’t feel horrible at some point of the day, I can’t imagine myself living for another year or so
I'm frightened by the future, so many unknowns with guaranteed suffering sooner or later. It's infuriating thinking about a future where you feel you don't belong in and yet it will be the only one you can have. It's such a forced proposition I feel stuck in a corner.
 
Help_Me

Help_Me

Gene pool mistake
Oct 21, 2018
546
Mate, this actually makes sense. I believe the rest of us can't see future, because our quality of life is so low that we can't image yourselves being .. let's say regular persons. As for me, I just can't see myself living in wealth and happiness, in any way. This is just something like science fiction for me.
 
throwaway777

throwaway777

一人、部屋で、独り。
Oct 3, 2018
641
I don’t know if this make sense but I can no longer see myself living in the near future. Even when I don’t feel horrible at some point of the day, I can’t imagine myself living for another year or so
i feel the same … i lost my sense of life and time .. i am not living … this life does not belong to me … time can't heal my heart … when maybe it was only my first wound... i feel so terribly sad that i can't move, can't do anything but stare at a life that i do not feel mine … no reality, nothing for me … only a sense of inevitable fall...
 
Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
Growing up I was never able to see a future. People would ask "where do you see yourself in 5, 10 or 20 years?" All I could see was black. I couldn't see anything at all. I could see myself to a certain point and then it all went black. Now here I am with my life destroyed about to ctb, and I am actually finally able to see the future that would have been. It's not all black anymore. It was all black because I didn't know who I was. I had no sense of self. No core identity. How could I have seen a future??? What a tease. Too late... I need to ctb...
 
O

okyeah

-
Jul 20, 2018
425
Yes I feel trapped. Thinking about it rationally I should kill myself. It's been this way forever. All reasonable and rational thoughts point to suicide. That's why I gotta take some drugs and hope they change me somehow.
 
Sundayafternoon

Sundayafternoon

Cosmic panic
May 18, 2018
394
I haven't been able to envision a future version of myself in a long time. When I could, it was fanciful and abstract.

I can imagine the future now only as it pertains to events. For example, I've got to take my father to the doctor on the 15th. That date is now significant. I can mentally place myself in the car, him getting in, ect., only because I've done it before.

I hope that makes some sense.

As far actively planning or preparing for the future, I doubt I've ever thought past a month or so.

I really wonder how it feels to "care" (that might not be the right word) so much about my existence and this body that I'd do something today that won't yield results for another five years.

That sentence was crazy.
 
Lra888

Lra888

Enlightened
Sep 30, 2018
1,142
I do not want to continue and the thought of being alive in the future makes me sick. My life has gone so absolutely wrong, I’m in mental pain, my surroundings and life situation unbearable I cannot continue in this way. The depression/ mental illness has wrecked everything and the fucked up life leads to lower depression.

That is what doctors and therapists don’t want to acknowledge : Life goes horribly, irreversibly wrong. Mind, body and life circumstances can descend to the point where a person makes the logocal descision to not continue.
 
Sundayafternoon

Sundayafternoon

Cosmic panic
May 18, 2018
394
It was all black because I didn't know who I was. I had no sense of self. No core identity. How could I have seen a future???

Have you found or established a sense of self? If you have, do you mind sharing how?

I'm slowly starting to believe that my depression is not what needs to be cured.

It's possibly a symptom of shitty life experiences, the realization that there's no objective reason that I have to continue living, being so unfortunate that a lot of hoopla way outside of my control made me the type of person that questions the validity of existence in the first place, and the fact that there are people who know nothing of me but are hell bent on making sure I can't get out of here without flinging myself off a bridge.

Accepting that this is just who I am and I don't need to change or "get better" is making it easier to envision myself ctb soon. I guess it creates a bit of an identity to play with.
 
Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
Have you found or established a sense of self? If you have, do you mind sharing how?

I'm slowly starting to believe that my depression is not what needs to be cured.

It's possibly a symptom of shitty life experiences, the realization that there's no objective reason that I have to continue living, being so unfortunate that a lot of hoopla way outside of my control made me the type of person that questions the validity of existence in the first place, and the fact that there are people who know nothing of me but are hell bent on making sure I can't get out of here without flinging myself off a bridge.

Accepting that this is just who I am and I don't need to change or "get better" is making it easier to envision myself ctb soon. I guess it creates a bit of an identity to play with.
Lots of psychedelics and self exploration. Turn on, tune in and drop out. I had to release myself from my identity altogether and explore creating a new one that resonated with me. I had to die in order to live. I had to completely give in and let go of everything, and then rebuild from the bottom up. I took the journey out and in, dove into my mind, looked at the world around me and shaped myself into the way that I saw fit, in my own way. Turned on, tuned into everything, dropped out of it all, and then dropped back in with my own vision of how it should be. To quote Fight Club, "I say, evolve...and let the chips fall where they may."
 
Sundayafternoon

Sundayafternoon

Cosmic panic
May 18, 2018
394
Lots of psychedelics and self exploration. Turn on, tune in and drop out. I had to release myself from my identity altogether and explore creating a new one that resonated with me. I had to die in order to live. I had to completely give in and let go of everything, and then rebuild from the bottom up. I took the journey out and in, dove into my mind, looked at the world around me and shaped myself into the way that I saw fit, in my own way. Turned on, tuned into everything, dropped out of it all, and then dropped back in with my own vision of how it should be. To quote Fight Club, "I say, evolve...and let the chips fall where they may."

Thank you for sharing that!

I used to long for that type of experience. I used to think psychedelics could change me. But I only read trip reports and watched movies. Have you seen Altered States? ( I'm not sure how this will format) Altered States https://g.co/kgs/kx5Z4k

I'm glad you had a positive experience.
 
Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
Thank you for sharing that!

I used to long for that type of experience. I used to think psychedelics could change me. But I only read trip reports and watched movies. Have you seen Altered States? ( I'm not sure how this will format) Altered States https://g.co/kgs/kx5Z4k

I'm glad you had a positive experience.
Actually I've never even heard of it. It sounds good though. My kind of movie. I think I want to watch it now lol.
 
StillWaiting

StillWaiting

Need cats to comfort me
Jul 28, 2018
551
Thanks for all the replies. I don't want others to experience things like this but I feel that I am not alone because I know others who are here also experience this. I find it hard to explain how I feel to other regular people and they will give me a weird look or brush it off when I said these to them