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5. Coming to terms with the underlying cause of my inceldom, which is a deep-seated attachment disorder/style. Seems to come about from the child realizing that no one gives a fuck about them, and then learns to LARP as self-sufficient. Have never been able to form friendships (basically just been able to play/collaborate without forming bonds, somehow), have never missed anyone. Just really textbook dismissive/avoidant, last person to raise hand in class, never engage socially, reject crushes (like wtf), etc.
So, even if I wasn't a loser man-child NEET, I would only be able to have casual sex/short-term flings (after I fixed my bent penis). Would rather have that than nothing, but I can't even have that, of course. Well, now I'm at least not judgemental about the whole "monogamy" thing, anymore. Was just repressing/projecting/coping in some weird way, like when people that are secretly gay starts hating gays. It is easier to cope with not having access to casual sex than it is to cope with not having access to "true love/life-long romance and trust, etc", though.
Feel like I have more control over the situation, but nothing has changed in terms of suicidality or maybe even pain-levels. My options are basically to either suffer a lot to be able to have an income (not even guaranteed, worst resume on the planet) and buy stuff (not sure what to buy, maybe games and alcohol, protein for gym, won't be able to move out anyway) or to keep NEETing. Then, in some amount of time (not sure yet, prob 1 or 2 years), I'll hopefully be able to die.
5.5 - actually not too bad considering i volunteered with a bunch of new (very boisterous, sometimes rude) kids and have been constantly meeting new people for the past few days. but i'm really tired and beating myself up for not working out. i have been having really vivid dreams again recently and they are also exhausting. but i have definitely felt worse than this, so i won't complain too much more
I'm gonna give a solid 8/10 atm. I had a banging mexican meal tonight and a couple of beers, and work has suddenly got more promising. I'm self employed and have been feeling a bit mixed about my feelings on carrying on with it this year. Well I suddenly got some dates in my calendar and feel some confidence in the next few months so that is good. I'm probably riding high on the mexican beer combo, but i'm in a goodish place right now.. a hell of a lot better than last week that's for sure. Got some other promising stuff coming up too. I actually hit a real low over Xmas.. and was preparing some things for potential exit but I think i'll be holding off for a bit to see if things continue to improve.
I often get highs following lows.. and lows following highs, so i'll just try to enjoy this for now
I'm a 4. I'm coming out of a psychotic episode and I feel dizzy. My head hurts and I still feel detached from reality. My mind is manic but my body is drained. I'm trying to have a normal day. I don't know when I'll feel normal again.
5. My psychosis is still here days later? I don't know if psychosis is the right term, it might be depersonalization-derealization. It's like I'm coming down from a shroom trip. My energy is returning slowly though so I can move now. I don't know who I am. Wild
5/10 maybe a bit high, but yea. I am super stressed and just feeling numb inside I guess. I had my exams today and feeling like I did badly and that I am crap really. :( So I am having several drinks to counteract the feeling...or not.
3. I just have this sadness I can't seem to shake off. The people around me have been really draining on my energy. They're not really considerate of other's feelings, and I think I just overdrew on my energy interacting with them. I'm now in energy debt and I just don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. (I said energy debt as a funny way to say I'm just freaking tired)