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Nov 14, 2021
After all the careful preparations of several days(writing notes, sending delayed email, throwing away some stuff), I dressed in my only formal attire, exhaled fully and put the inflated oven bag filled with nitrogen over my head. I took a deep inhale and could feel the difference of lack of oxygen in the atmosphere. Then my stress and SI kicked in. I started to hold my breath while the toxic idea of "hope" formulated in my brain. A few seconds later I took around five or six normal breath, while I only felt some dizziness and far from passing out, then SI forced me to remove the bag.
Three years ago it was the false sense of "hope" that forced me to remove "lethal poison" capsules that's already in my mouth. Should I known how bad things had turned out these years I would ingest the capsules without any hesitation at that moment. Sadly now it's the same idea of "hope" prevented me from CTB again. I really want that I could pass out from the first inhalation of pure nitrogen, so that there would be no chance of second thoughts, but my young age and normal health probably makes that impossible. I seriously doubt if my next attempt could be successful, as it's very likely SI would interfere again. Looks like right now N is my only way to succeed, as some posts seem to indicate that you could fall asleep before finish the dosage if you drink too slow.
I am still debating with myself if I should tell my current situation to my parents, as I know they will forgive my recent mistake and continue to support me. But I couldn't forgive myself of the mistake I made or have the courage to face it.


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Oct 23, 2021
As long as there is the strong feeling of rational hope, one should listen to that voice in my opinion.

With N one must ensure not to be found at least for 24 hours if not longer, and I would do it almost naked during winter in the house, because if it fails and there is a prolonged coma, one can die piecefully to the complete end due to hypothermia after some days.

But you are obviously not ready for it. Rational hope is SI in its strongest form.