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G

gesso

-
May 12, 2018
5
wow, my headline is so vague. Anyways, i’ve been suicidal for a while now and today I had a meeting with my school and mum to talk about my wellbeing and my attendance( or lack thereof). Long story short, my mother cried.

For so long, i’ve been drilling it in my head that no one would care if I caught the bus. My dad wouldn’t care, he has his own family to deal with. my friends would move on, after all, friends are temporary. But after my hour long meeting, i’ve realised that I do have people who care about me. I have brilliant friends who would do anything to make sure that i was fine. My death would crush them.Despite knowing this, why am I still hung up on the past? Why can’t I move on? Why do I always go back to the people who manipulated and abused me? Why am I letting my adversities mask my triumphs? I know that this is a pro-suicide website but I’m afraid to die. I’ve attempted several times in the past few years but the thought of hurting the people I love scares me so much. They all deserve the world and I’m not good enough for them. Life is extremely painful right now for me and I’ve sunken deeper into the abyss than ever before. How can you be sure that you’re ready to die?
 
wanttodie

wanttodie

Enlightened
Apr 19, 2018
1,331
Life is extremely painful right now for me and I’ve sunken deeper im ready to die?
 
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T

TheStartOfEnding

-
May 1, 2018
56
For me it all depends on the method, if i had N i'd drink it right now without a second hesitation.

N or lethal dose of Fentanyl : 100% sure i'd CTB.
Gun (if it was available in my country) : 70% sure.
CO poisoning if i knew how to do it : 70% sure.
Jumping from an extreme heigh, as a mountain from which death is guaranteed : 50% sure.
Jumping from a height like 10 story building : 10% sure.
Hanging : 20% sure.
Jumping in front of a train : 10%.
Putting my neck on the track : 1%.
Drowning : 5%.

So it's mostly about the methods i'd be able to get.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
I'm not sure. It highly depends of the method. I know I never would try painful or bloody methods like cutting my neck, drinking poison, shotgun or falling from great heights. I explored some options and the exit bag with helium sounds good. The only problem is how I'm going to hide the helium cylinder without alerting my family... And even if I get one succesfully I probably be so unnerved that I would begin to feeling sick and dizzy, and maybe I would puke. This happened to me several times and this prevented me from killing myself.
 
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Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
633
Probably not, regardless of the chosen exit strategy. After all, I'm still here (much as I wish it were, otherwise). I'm fairly certain if I had the guts/nerve to finally go through with it, that getting the proper method set-up wouldn't really be a problem for me. Then again, I suppose I could be overestimating myself in that regard, but whatever. Not like it matters. Ultimately, it feels like my destiny is just to wither away while the same old daily miseries continue to repeat themselves again & again deepening overtime as they have been for ages now like a coastal shelf made of ever hardening shit. Fear of dying, fear of the unknown, and the hassle of doing the deed itself. The unholy trinity of weakness that relentlessly zaps away even the smallest iota of strength/conviction I might accrue to finally pull the curtain down on this pointless, tiresome mess known as existence. I've fantasized about suicide intensely my entire life, yet never made even a single attempt to bring those dreams to any sort of fruition. That's how pathetic I am. Makes me wonder why I lurk sites like this in the first place. If at the end of the day, if deep down in my heart, if when push comes to shove, I know I wouldn't be able to commit suicide, then what the hell am I even doing here writing this out? I suppose I just don't belong here, nor anywhere else for that matter, but big whoop. Boo hoo for lonely old me because who really fucking cares. I sure as hell don't, fucking maggot that I am. Anyway, intention ain't worth jack shit if you don't have the will to see it through. I feel split in two. I want to leave this life so fucking badly, but I'm so fucking weak and afraid. Does the pain & hopelessness really have to get that much worse? What if it's never enough? What if the yoke of weakness will always be greater even in the worst possible situation? Thinking about this stuff really makes me panic. I see other people who are able to hop off the crazy train and I wish to god I could join them. They're the special ones. As far as I'm concerned, suicide is a profound & heroic act. Tremendous agony & despair drove them to it yes, but they were actually able to leave. They had the dignity to leave. They had the power of mercy to themselves & others to leave. It's like watching an inmate in the middle of escaping the deepest, darkest dungeon you can imagine all while pressing your arms out through the bars of your cell just as they run past as you scream bloody murder begging for whoever it is to take you with them. Who am I kidding, though? It'd never be that easy, naturally. They aren't like me. Being faced with a potential lifetime of wallowing in my own filth due to my own pitiful feebleness, all while putting myself and others through more suffering than is necessary. Existing out of fear & weakness is the true coward's way out. Fact. Case closed. As I slump back, I just wonder how much longer I'm going to have to keep riding this infernal thing? Years? Decades? Odds are, all things considered, the answer to that question is yes. The shame & the panic of knowing that is palpable. I'm drowning in the undertow of that knowledge and I don't know how to swim.

As an efilist who sees the biological forces that drive our will to live as being inherently malevolent, the only small consolation and comfort I've found about not committing suicide comes from Schopenhauer. According to him, who opposed suicide (he was a massive proponent for legalized euthanasia & an individual's right to choose but still personally saw suicide as being a philosophical mistake), truly denying the will to live is to see it through to the end. Committing suicide, in most cases, tends to be an emphatic assertion of one's live to will since, ideally, they would very much like to live, but since their personal circumstances can't allow for this whether due to their respective genetics/environment/myriad other misfortunes, the only option left to them is to end their lives. Contrastly, denying one's will to live up until the very end becomes almost a sort of proverbial, philosophical oriented suicide+ which, personally speaking, I see at least a little merit in. Then again, I'm a boring hermit and it's just a dumb token gesture which rationalizes my weakness, so of course I'd latch on to the idea. Living out the rest of your life in turmoil to prove some philosophical point is also pretty stupid, assuming one could and wanted to commit suicide, but didn't because of the above. Besides, following the same idea, so long as one commits suicide for "the right reasons" (ala Mr. White from "The Sunset Limited") then you're basically accomplishing the same thing. I still cling to it though. Anything to draw my eyes away from the bitter truth, essentially.

As an aside, for those out there who don't fear the act of dying, who don't fear the unknown, who don't have familial concerns (at least I don't have this one to worry about), and who have the conviction to get everything arranged, then I ask you, what the hell are you waiting for? I seriously can't think of a single reason why one would want to hang around if the aforementioned reasons weren't concerns of theirs. Frankly, I'm quite envious of anyone who's biggest, if only, issue is that they can't get a hold of N, or a gun. At least something like that has a concrete practical solution. I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do? It's not like this is Wizard of Oz world and I can go on a DNM and buy some ephemeral nerve (drugs & alcohol don't count) from the great grand bazaar wizard like I were the cowardly fucking lion. Frankly, to go one further, even those who don't fear dying or the unknown baffle me. Again, what the hell are you waiting for then? I don't mean to come off like an asshole, but christ man I WISH my biggest problem was getting a hold of N, or whatever else one would have in mind. I fucking wish.
 
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G

gesso

-
May 12, 2018
5
That's me right now. I'm still waiting for when I have all four together. I can never get into the right state of mind, I keep thinking about the people who I would hurt if I ctb. Have you ever gotten to the right mind state? If so, how did you stick with it? For me at least, the guilt overrides my willingness to die.
 
L

Life sucks

Enlightened
Apr 18, 2018
1,873
Rationally and logically ctb is the best option for me. But practically I have no method and I don't want to fail. I don't know when or how. Everyday is the same. I can't do anything. I'm trapped in this life
 
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S

Sternum

Student
May 12, 2018
121
This is the question for me. I want to stop existing so bad. My mantra for a long time was ‘I want to die,” but that’s not actually true, I just want to not exist. Dying is such a scary notion, more so because it is so real to me at this point. I play scenarios in my mind about my suicide. Even a ‘peaceful’ method like N troubles me. The moment in my mind where time freezes and I get an incredible feeling of panic is the point at which I have taken measures from which I cannot return (after swallowing N, or after moving over the ledge far enough that I can’t catch myself, etc). I wish I could get to a peaceful place in this regard, but I don’t think it will happen because of the massive fear drilled into us by evolution. I really wish I could have N slipped into my coffee in the morning so I obliviously drift away, or even get shot in the head by a hired assassin. I would appreciate anything that gets it done quickly and painlessly without my having seen it coming. Writing this reminds me how cowardly I am. Although not always true, I suspect that when people say they don’t fear death, they haven’t actually looked it square in the eyes. Anyway, when I used to say that, I hadn’t looked at it straight on. Now that I am looking right at it, it looks like a void, and that void is terrifying.

Still, there is part of me that wants to take the step to end my life, so I can establish my position to the universe that I choose to not live or exist. There has been a thought running through my mind that maybe we continue this exercise wheel of existence via reincarnation (or something) and it will never end until we choose to get off, which choice is demonstrated by suicide. I don’t believe in life after death, but I still wonder. Intellectually, I want to cease existing and I want it to have been my choice to do so. Emotionally, I want to cease existing, but I don’t want to take that final step because of fear.
 
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AveryConure

AveryConure

Some idiot
May 11, 2018
438
i'm just mainly afraid of failing my suicide attempt once again and dealing with the aftermath of it. I can't afford more hospital bills and unnecessary family drama, and of course if i was halfway successful and was revived at the last minute i'll end up with brain damage and etc. and only make this wretched existence worse. It's already almost happened twice with a failed hanging and attempting to overdose on lithium, so i'm really trying to evaluate my options and research the methods before i am fully sure i want to try to ctb again.

A lot of these methods unfortunately cost either a lot of money or bitcoin, and i don't have a car to just breathe in carbon monoxide. No high enough areas here to jump off that guarantee a death and every time i'm about to jump in front of a train something happens like two kids suddenly appear about to wait for it to pass and i would rather not involve them in my bullshit.

Tbh i guess it's not really death i'm afraid of, but just fucking it up or fucking up someone's life who doesn't deserve it. I already tried 20+ times and i'm tired of the same hospital bullshit and i'd rather just wish to know if my method would be 100% successful.
 
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wanttodie

wanttodie

Enlightened
Apr 19, 2018
1,331
Rationally and logically ctb is the best option for me. But practically I have no method and I don't want to fail. I don't know when or how. Everyday is the same. I can't do anything. I'm trapped in this life
same for me Rationally and logically ctb is the best option for me. But practically I have no method and I don't want to fail. I don't know when or how. Everyday is the same. I can't do anything. I'm trapped in this life and need to end my life
 
GoPeaceful

GoPeaceful

Message me if you need someone to talk to :)
May 14, 2018
53
I depends on the mood I’m currently into. For example right now I’m not feeling very well, but I wouldn’t ctb, as I’m afraid of what could or will happen. But sometimes I feel extremely, indescribably sad. In this mood I would kill myself without hesitating, if I had the right tools.
 
Tomasnil

Tomasnil

Mage
Apr 24, 2018
519
For me its a bit of everything i know i i can and i also know i dont want to coz of the sake of my kids. But i have this compulsary behaviour that some calls happy childhood memories comes out everything gets tunnel vision with dieing as only sane answer. I know what to do to calm those feelings i just dont i keep putting my self situations where i dont have he option of calming my self down. So now im just waiting with a knife in my pocket. For that knock on my door that panics me and i have 20sec to cut open my throath or if i have time grab my sawed of s/s.
The dice is already tossed.
 
wanttodie

wanttodie

Enlightened
Apr 19, 2018
1,331
I depends on the mood I’m currently into. For example right now I’m not feeling very well, but I wouldn’t ctb, as I’m afraid of what could or will happen. But sometimes I feel extremely, indescribably sad. In this mood I would kill myself without hesitating, if I had the right tools.
me to I would kill myself without hesitating, if I had the right tools.
 
BellaKAT

BellaKAT

Student
May 20, 2018
172
That's me right now. I'm still waiting for when I have all four together. I can never get into the right state of mind, I keep thinking about the people who I would hurt if I ctb. Have you ever gotten to the right mind state? If so, how did you stick with it? For me at least, the guilt overrides my willingness to die.
I've definitely experienced the right mind state but wasn't in the right place or had the things I needed. its only takes a minute maybe less depending on your method, when i go i know it will be fairly impulsive even though I've been planning it out. i think some liquid courage would help me for sure if i had any doubts. If you can never get in the right mind state maybe suicide is not for you?
 
hamilton_fangirl129

hamilton_fangirl129

Member
May 21, 2018
14
The only thing stopping me from going to catch the bus is my girlfriend. I told her I was suicidal and I think I made her cry. (That and I don’t have a good enough rope)
 
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