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little helpers

little helpers

did I tie the tourniquet on my arm or on my neck?
Dec 14, 2021
522
Please what is the name of the book. This is such a helpful thread, coming up with and understanding things i never got in years of therappy and reading

think they’re referring to Complex PTSD: From Suriviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. just a mild TW here that I find a lot of the Pete Walker stuff a bit too visceral. hard to work through. like any workbook on trauma it’s important to know and respect your own limits, how much you can take in at a time, and definitely have a trusted support person to help you through. sending love <3
 
vinie

vinie

Nauseous as hell
Nov 28, 2021
41
Oh wow crying, Im sop glad you can. I cant. Maybe its why I crave pain which when it happens I tense up and make myself endure..never cry . It's like I'll show them, they got me every other way but they wont make me cry. Yet inside I want to fall apart screamin g and bawling.. BUT I WON'T even if I carry out the suicde plan I described before.
You are so strong for being able to endure that and not physically break down. But holding that in could eventually lead you to implosion. Thought it might sound cheesy, maybe try expressing your feelings through different art forms first. For me at least, creative writing and music have helped me with my trauma, as they are both harmless methods of venting. Crying doesn't make us weak. They haven't won. They never will. Remember that :)
 
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subj

Student
Dec 16, 2021
107
You are so strong for being able to endure that and not physically break down. But holding that in could eventually lead you to implosion. Thought it might sound cheesy, maybe try expressing your feelings through different art forms first. For me at least, creative writing and music have helped me with my trauma, as they are both harmless methods of venting. Crying doesn't make us weak. They haven't won. They never will. Remember that :)
I'll keep trying. I do photograpy but even that is cold and emotionless.. I do appreciate your thoughts
 
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subj

Student
Dec 16, 2021
107
Oh wow crying, Im sop glad you can. I cant. Maybe its why I crave pain which when it happens I tense up and make myself endure..never cry . It's like I'll show them, they got me every other way but they wont make me cry. Yet inside I want to fall apart screamin g and bawling.. BUT I WON'T even if I carry out the suicde plan I described before.

Please what is the name of the book. This is such a helpful thread, coming up with and understanding things i never got in years of therappy and reading
I want to say thanks to the people on this thread. It has really confronted me with my fantasies of painful suicide and raised a posibility that pain is a substitute for deling with the sadness and hurt. I'm sort of repeating what I sid earlier but this insight is sonew and incisive that I am going to pursue it and ways to use it to change some things. This forum and thread is so helpful. Thanks to those who invited me to jopin a discusion of cptsd. I hope I can give back.
 
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subj

Student
Dec 16, 2021
107
I want to say thanks to the people on this thread. It has really confronted me with my fantasies of painful suicide and raised a posibility that pain is a substitute for deling with the sadness and hurt. I'm sort of repeating what I sid earlier but this insight is sonew and incisive that I am going to pursue it and ways to use it to change some things. This forum and thread is so helpful. Thanks to those who invited me to jopin a discusion of cptsd. I hope I can give back.
at the same time the thought has been there so long that it might stay
I wonder if my long term negative thoughts haven't become a comfort blocking me from taking on new ways of thinking that will lead to new action. it is risky and takes work to try to change
 
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subj

Student
Dec 16, 2021
107
Happy New Year. I promised you guys i would put my urge to die a long very painful death into the context of cptsd and ask why I would want such a thing. You have been very helpful in aking me to do that. It has hit me that maybe my urge for such pai n is a mask for intense feeling of shame, anger, helpleessness, need for punishment The pain is a distraction tht keeps these other feelings out. If I remove the pain I am still nothing , and am as disgusting as any imaginatio n can come up with but now know thee emotions I need to deal with. Maybe I wont have to make it painful
 
Untetheredwill

Untetheredwill

Psychology Hermit
Nov 28, 2021
38
Happy New Year. I promised you guys i would put my urge to die a long very painful death into the context of cptsd and ask why I would want such a thing. You have been very helpful in aking me to do that. It has hit me that maybe my urge for such pai n is a mask for intense feeling of shame, anger, helpleessness, need for punishment The pain is a distraction tht keeps these other feelings out. If I remove the pain I am still nothing , and am as disgusting as any imaginatio n can come up with but now know thee emotions I need to deal with. Maybe I wont have to make it painful
Great that you’ve been able to find this resource which has been so rare. The absolute worst thing that happened to me at 19 was given a fake Asperger’s diagnosis (The woman who tested me was very cold). And I’m just thinking of the future and how people like Pete Walker are fighting for a moral cause and not giving permanent diagnoses (he often talks of how we’re affected by narcissistic behaviour same as an illness and not trapped in permanent diagnoses of our selves but temporary responses).

I’m so glad and it reminds me of when I discovered it too. I was hopeless and looking in many wrong places. Basically story of my life! People don’t have the answers and neither does some of the internet. Just a very specific knowledge which is sometimes buried years ahead of us!
 
sickofbeinghere

sickofbeinghere

sad girl
Oct 27, 2021
47
hey cptsd friends, how is everybody doing today?
anyone got advice on managing hallucinations?
 
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subj

Student
Dec 16, 2021
107
hey cptsd friends, how is everybody doing today?
anyone got advice on managing hallucinations?
Wow, nothing other than medication. I've had auditory hallucinations thatn would just come for 1 second or so . They were music. A neurologist gave me low dose anti seizure med and it stopped them.
 
sickofbeinghere

sickofbeinghere

sad girl
Oct 27, 2021
47
Wow, nothing other than medication. I've had auditory hallucinations thatn would just come for 1 second or so . They were music. A neurologist gave me low dose anti seizure med and it stopped them.
aahh mine are pretty much constant right now. propranolol controls them a bit but I think I need to go on a higher dose (im only on 40mg a day) although Im so fatigued on them which is a problem when im already severely depressed and have fatigue from a neuro condition :(
 
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subj

Student
Dec 16, 2021
107
aahh mine are pretty much constant right now. propranolol controls them a bit but I think I need to go on a higher dose (im only on 40mg a day) although Im so fatigued on them which is a problem when im already severely depressed and have fatigue from a neuro condition :(
r yours visual or auditory
 
R

rationaltake

Wizard
Sep 28, 2021
643
Thanks to all of you. I just read through this thread. It's the most insightful and productive discussion on this topic I have ever come across.

I am dissociative.
 
sickofbeinghere

sickofbeinghere

sad girl
Oct 27, 2021
47
have

have u had a medical , not pschiatrc assessment. My understanding iss sometime they can be from a medical illness especially if they are visual
im diagnosed with CPTSD(severe PTSD), severe depression and dissociative disorder, i highly doubt its come from a physical health problem so Im not gonna look into that but thanks for looking out for me :)
 
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little helpers

little helpers

did I tie the tourniquet on my arm or on my neck?
Dec 14, 2021
522
im diagnosed with CPTSD(severe PTSD), severe depression and dissociative disorder, i highly doubt its come from a physical health problem so Im not gonna look into that but thanks for looking out for me :)

if I get it right you’re likely referring to either visual and auditory flashbacks, or imaginaries and voices coming from inside your head?

I know hallucinations are perceived as coming from external sources. just not too sure if you’re using the word this way. cuz with DID/OSDD it’s pretty likely other people/alters will talk to you. or you can visualize the inner world quite easily. in that case it’s not hallucinations but shrinks can be ignorant and call it such.

just trying to understand.
 
A

Angi

Member
Jan 4, 2022
30
I want to say thanks to the people on this thread. It has really confronted me with my fantasies of painful suicide and raised a posibility that pain is a substitute for deling with the sadness and hurt. I'm sort of repeating what I sid earlier but this insight is sonew and incisive that I am going to pursue it and ways to use it to change some things. This forum and thread is so helpful. Thanks to those who invited me to jopin a discusion of cptsd. I hope I can give back.
Thanks for this thread, so many useful thoughts to look into, as well as good reading!
Also, you had me thinking "omg, get out of my head!" a couple of times xD Please share if you make progress on the open questions you mentioned.
 
little helpers

little helpers

did I tie the tourniquet on my arm or on my neck?
Dec 14, 2021
522
or imaginaries and voices coming from inside your head?

uh. typo. “imagery”. not “imaginaries.” it’ll be real fucked up to say these are of someone’s fucking imagination. my apology.
 
S

subj

Student
Dec 16, 2021
107
Thanks for this thread, so many useful thoughts to look into, as well as good reading!
Also, you had me thinking "omg, get out of my head!" a couple of times xD Please share if you make progress on the open questions you mentioned.
I go back and forth looking for a grusome end then not even thinking about it.m Got very depressed over weekend and ending was all i could think about but its gotta be painful.
 
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A

Angi

Member
Jan 4, 2022
30
Sounds like a gruesome enough weekend... I hope there is a less painful path ahead of you!
 
kappa

kappa

Experienced
Apr 2, 2019
203
Do any of you have nightmares that repeat and do not go away?

I went no contact with my family about 2 1/2 years ago. Haven't seen them since.

But I frequently have nightmares of them. I've been going to talk-therapy but the nightmares are still there. Sometimes I won't for a bit, then all of a sudden will dream of them most of the week.

Benzos before bed I think were helping- but I've been on benzos for a few years each night and it's effecting my memory.
 
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nemo16

nemo16

Member
Dec 15, 2021
103
Do any of you have nightmares that repeat and do not go away?

I went no contact with my family about 2 1/2 years ago. Haven't seen them since.

But I frequently have nightmares of them. I've been going to talk-therapy but the nightmares are still there. Sometimes I won't for a bit, then all of a sudden will dream of them most of the week.

Benzos before bed I think were helping- but I've been on benzos for a few years each night and it's effecting my memory.
I'm so sorry you still get nightmares about them after moving away.

Everyone I talk to says i will be happy if i move away from my family, but they don't understand the damage is already done. Were your family members abusive?

I have a dysfunctional, abusive family and I still get recurring nightmares 20 years after the CSA by numerous relatives.

They're not the exact same nightmare but very similar. They all end the same way, with me begging my mother to stop the abuser and protect me, but she always ignores it.

I wake up from the nightmares with panic attacks. I might see a therapist soon and use benzos before bed, like you, but I'm also wary of the side effects...

Hope you find a way to stop your nightmares.
 
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kappa

kappa

Experienced
Apr 2, 2019
203
I'm so sorry you still get nightmares about them after moving away.

Everyone I talk to says i will be happy if i move away from my family, but they don't understand the damage is already done. Were your family members abusive?

I have a dysfunctional, abusive family and I still get recurring nightmares 20 years after the CSA by numerous relatives.

They're not the exact same nightmare but very similar. They all end the same way, with me begging my mother to stop the abuser and protect me, but she always ignores it.

I wake up from the nightmares with panic attacks. I might see a therapist soon and use benzos before bed, like you, but I'm also wary of the side effects...

Hope you find a way to stop your nightmares.

What I experienced was all mental, not physical. So it's hard to feel it qualifies as CPSTD- but that's what I have been told I have. I know you aren't supposed to compare trauma but.. it doesn't seem to resonate the same. I just feel like a bitch.

Anyway- I know Buspar is used for anxiety and is not a benzo. I would take it at night sometimes, but I couldn't tell if it really did anything. Supposed to be safe?

I believe Prazosin can also help nightmares, but it's prescribed for high blood pressure.

The only thing about benzos is you can become dependent on them. You have to be careful because if you take a high dose you will black out and keep taking them.

I woke up on a ventilator because of that.. I heard I was fucked up on them for a week before I just passed out. But that's just what I was told, no memory.

If you are responsible, I think it can be helpful. I was lucky and found doctors willing to prescribe them long-term for severe insomnia. I was only sleeping 2-4 hours a day, unable to even nap. A lot of doctors didn't believe me and I had to go through a good amount.

Just don't fuck around with them and take them to get high.
 
sickofbeinghere

sickofbeinghere

sad girl
Oct 27, 2021
47
Do any of you have nightmares that repeat and do not go away?

I went no contact with my family about 2 1/2 years ago. Haven't seen them since.

But I frequently have nightmares of them. I've been going to talk-therapy but the nightmares are still there. Sometimes I won't for a bit, then all of a sudden will dream of them most of the week.

Benzos before bed I think were helping- but I've been on benzos for a few years each night and it's effecting my memory.
yes! I used to have recurring nightmares of explosions/war/fire. Im actually an sexual abuse victim and wasnt in war or anything but that was the recurring theme, i'd be having a normal dream and then sudden loud explosions woke me up. the good thing is that over the years they declined to the point that now I do have nightmares but theyre infrequent. i think yours will go away too - just with time and patience. this is 7 years in to a PTSD diagnosis for me (now rediagnosed as CPTSD) and they still come sometimes, so it really does take a while for nightmares to calm down. sorry youre going through this, solidarity <3
 
little helpers

little helpers

did I tie the tourniquet on my arm or on my neck?
Dec 14, 2021
522
Do any of you have nightmares that repeat and do not go away?

yes. some are very detailed and graphic. reliving the traumas subconsciously in my sleep. others lean on the metaphorical side. I had a friend during college who was into psychology quite heavily. she has CPTSD as well. what she said was, these dreams might be revealing in some ways, e.g. what the fears exactly are about, where the sense of shame comes from. IMO they serve as warnings too. I used to have one nightmare which later turned out to be true. it was about my mom. I didn’t know what it was for and, well, now I’m living this shit. anyways. hope this helps.
 
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D

DobryDen

Member
Jul 12, 2021
17
Well said. That is how CPTSD functions and what makes it so terrifying. I feel so dirty and used that it has just become a part of my existence. I began crying in distress the first time someone had consensually laid their hands on me and then blamed myself for ruining the moment. It is just who I am now; someone who cannot control their emotions.
I have have this too.