GenesAndEnvironment

GenesAndEnvironment

Involuntary NEET
Jan 26, 2021
5,469
Thought we'd all gather strategies for dealing with being a "person who wants a relationship but doesn't have one". Mental strategies are preferred, as the thread is intended to have an immediate effect on the reader that's scrolling through. So, if it becomes good enough you could bookmark it/copy it and read through it to get reminders of the pieces of reasoning that might help reduce the amount of emotional pain from this condition.

1. You actually don't want a (specific) partner. Reason: do you want to date someone that doesn't want to date you? Answer should be no, which means that there is no one (that you know about) that you actually want to be in a romantic relationship with. Pretty cool, huh?

2. If hetero male, go look at women without makeup online; before and after pics without the makeup might reduce your desires a bit. Works extra well if combined with a porn addiction.

3. Dealing with resentment/envy/anger: Do you actually want people to be like you/in your situation? How would the world look like if everyone was like you? Would you feel safe, would things work well, would people be happier? If not, then it's good that they're having relationships/sex and stuff like that. Even just on a selfish level, you actually benefit from the fact that others' need for intimacy/etc are taken care of (reduced risk of getting attacked by gangs of marauding young men or whatever).

4. Everything is just sensations. From the perspective of mindfulness, there isn't that big of a difference between the physical sensations of hugging a romantic partner and just sitting alone in your basement in meditation. We have guys and gals who literally kill themselves despite having access to physical intimacy with a loving partner, so it can't be super magical or anything. Same with sex, just a slight difference in sensation, really shouldn't be thought of as entering some different dimension in terms of experiential variation (especially if you pull up with your depressive, realistic, nihilistic, robotic, mechanical, physicalistic world view).

5. There's no need to pretend to be someone else. If you're like me, there's no way you could attract someone without (in the best case scenario) not expressing yourself at all. If I would just sit and rant in an honest way, tell people about everything in my past, not have any filter, go by instinct in social situations, do and say whatever I feel like, then I would absolutely not be able to have any acquaintances, much less friends or a girlfriend. I actually have none of those three, but still; nice to not have to pretend to be someone else, or cower in fear with the chemical-weapons-workstation-grade filter activated.

6. Free time. Less sex and dating, more free time. Good if you have something you like to do or if you have some way of making money or whatever.

7. Ability to relax, no need to impress anyone. If there's no chance of getting a girlfriend, there's really no reason (at least for me personally) to put effort into anything. There's also no need to sound smart, look good, or do anything I don't like. Even on this forum, being able to just write stupid shit, dumb jokes, not feeling like I have to mold my mental activity long-term in hopes of becoming more normal/appealing and have socially acceptable ways of thinking as a baseline. Active relaxation, getting good at letting your body rest and recover/save energy when awake.

8. Not getting beaten up by psychopath partner, not getting raped, etc.

9. No divorces/breakups.

10. You can't change the past (stoicism), or the future (hard determinsim).

11. If you had a partner, you wouldn't be you. Isn't it better to just be you, rather than someone else? Not to say that you should reject a partner if the opportunity comes, but at this moment in time; if we somehow stopped time and retroactively changed something about you, then you'd cease to be yourself, no? Then it would basically just be some other guy that has a gf, or whatever, which isn't really super relevant.

12. You're super badass for tanking through this. Some people laugh at PWWARBDHOs, failing to realize that this is (at least theoretically) a lethal injury to the genetic interests, which tends to come with a corresponding amount of psychological distress. Should be on the same level as having your only child die, but this can last for a lifetime, and there's no good period of time beforehand to balance it out.



I'll stop there. Please contribute your own ways of thinking/dealing with this condition. Please pick it up from #13.
 
N

noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,316
To be honest I try to surpress too many thoughts on this topic. This is why I did not fully read the post. Sorry,I try not to think too much about it. I try to distract me. Cling tomy tiny hope that one day the impossible will happen. Absurd theories how I could find a partner.

Sorry I cannot have a better strategy. I try to focus on recovery, solving my problems and with that I hope my attractiveness for women increases. Moreover I try to escape my social isolation and to improve my social skills.

I have some responsibilites which take me a lot of energy. It kind of distracts me. I am so anxious to fail that I sometimes forget how unhappy I am. My therapist calls that progress. Lmao. Sorry for this joke. But there is a grain of truth in it.
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
17,650
Realizing that all my inner suffering only stems from my body craving an oxytocin generator that also serves as a vessel for me to dump all of my insecurities, anxieties, and other fluids onto without any regard for the consequences or other damages it would cause to whoever that person ends up being.

Also knowing that my future children are the ones who put me in this situation via time travel to prevent their own birth. If I go on living and breeding, it will mean their sacrifice was literally for nothing.
 
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GenesAndEnvironment

GenesAndEnvironment

Involuntary NEET
Jan 26, 2021
5,469
15. Checking if I've eaten much and well, exercised, etc. What can happen is starting to connect feeling bad with not having a gf, no matter why you actually feel bad in the first place. Just now I started feeling bad (because I haven't eaten enough) and instantly assumed the main reason for the feeling was the lack of a gf (sounds a bit insane, but this happens a lot for me). "Yeah, I've always been extremely sensitive to hunger-related mood since I was an infant, but it's still probably mostly the fact that I've never had a gf that's causing this... *loud stomach noises*".
 
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artificial_ineptness

artificial_ineptness

Member
Nov 14, 2021
62
I can try and throw in some ideas, although I myself just don't care anymore by default (so not a PWWARBDHO?). Maybe it's useful and I don't have much to do anyway.

16. You avoid getting cheated on.

17. (if you're high on introversion / schizoid) Do you even like dealing with other people? The intensity, constant emotionality, them trying to coerce you to do things they want / like, being objectified and commodified (to some degree) etc. etc. I can often not deal with just relatively light interactions with neurotypicals, so why would I want a more intense version of that? (outside of some cope fantasies of "ideal" women that do not exist)

18. Does it even matter? Should one really take this lame ass genetic optimization algorithm so personally? I don't start weeping on the ground every time I touch grass for all the "loser" grass shoots and plants that were too weak to compete and died out or the worker bees whose whole life is just slaving away for the benefit of the hive (without reproduction). Okay, fine, now I do feel a bit bad, and they have much less developed nervous system, but still, on the scale of the universe and very, very long time-spans an individuals life in general is just absolutely meaningless.

19. (if you're low self-esteem / ego strength / value & high in care for humanity) It could be beneficial to humanity to have me excluded from the gene pool. Sure a relationships is not equivalent to reproduction but in general it might as well be and peoples repulsion of me is probably mostly driven by genetics and forces of natural selection.

20. Cannot be exploited. TBH, I think it's less respectable to allow yourself to be used for your labor / money so that you can (sometimes) get crumbs of pussy and pretend to (unassuming) others that you have a "relationship" than being a complete KHHV that wouldn't settle for such a life.

21. (if you've given up completely) Can avoid unnecessary suffering from rejection, humiliation and emasculation that comes with dating.

22. Losers might be more resilient to crises and down-turns (at least it doesn't seem too unreasonable). I mean, if you are both used to everything being shit and less integrated with society, then shit going down can end up affecting you less (and so improving your relative situation).

23. (if you would ctb irrelevant of relationship status) The less people there are in your life, the less negative effect your death will have. A gf, when I'm probably taking the sewerslide anyway, is just another person attached to my facade that I have to end up hurting.

24. (if you're a nihilist) This status matters just as much as anything else (i.e., it doesn't).

25. (if you're low self-esteem / ego strength / value) I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with myself, I'm disgusting, deranged and generally worthless, so it is only good that some poor girl doesn't have to deal with me.

26. IDK about other but most real life relationships around me don't even look good from the outside, so maybe exposing yourself to stories of normies relationship issues might help. Just constant complaining, dissatisfaction, exploitation, etc.

27. (if you care about your value / ethics) I don't think relationship status is some sort of perfect predictor of ones value, just think of the autist virgin STEM-lords like Newton that made large contributions to the comforts of modern life compared to serial killers, deranged politicians and cult leaders that have women chasing after them.
 
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GenesAndEnvironment

GenesAndEnvironment

Involuntary NEET
Jan 26, 2021
5,469
I can try and throw in some ideas, although I myself just don't care anymore by default (so not a PWWARBDHO?). Maybe it's useful and I don't have much to do anyway.

16. You avoid getting cheated on.

17. (if you're high on introversion / schizoid) Do you even like dealing with other people? The intensity, constant emotionality, them trying to coerce you to do things they want / like, being objectified and commodified (to some degree) etc. etc. I can often not deal with just relatively light interactions with neurotypicals, so why would I want a more intense version of that? (outside of some cope fantasies of "ideal" women that do not exist)

18. Does it even matter? Should one really take this lame ass genetic optimization algorithm so personally? I don't start weeping on the ground every time I touch grass for all the "loser" grass shoots and plants that were too weak to compete and died out or the worker bees whose whole life is just slaving away for the benefit of the hive (without reproduction). Okay, fine, now I do feel a bit bad, and they have much less developed nervous system, but still, on the scale of the universe and very, very long time-spans an individuals life in general is just absolutely meaningless.

19. (if you're low self-esteem / ego strength / value & high in care for humanity) It could be beneficial to humanity to have me excluded from the gene pool. Sure a relationships is not equivalent to reproduction but in general it might as well be and peoples repulsion of me is probably mostly driven by genetics and forces of natural selection.

20. Cannot be exploited. TBH, I think it's less respectable to allow yourself to be used for your labor / money so that you can (sometimes) get crumbs of pussy and pretend to (unassuming) others that you have a "relationship" than being a complete KHHV that wouldn't settle for such a life.

21. (if you've given up completely) Can avoid unnecessary suffering from rejection, humiliation and emasculation that comes with dating.

22. Losers might be more resilient to crises and down-turns (at least it doesn't seem too unreasonable). I mean, if you are both used to everything being shit and less integrated with society, then shit going down can end up affecting you less (and so improving your relative situation).

23. (if you would ctb irrelevant of relationship status) The less people there are in your life, the less negative effect your death will have. A gf, when I'm probably taking the sewerslide anyway, is just another person attached to my facade that I have to end up hurting.

24. (if you're a nihilist) This status matters just as much as anything else (i.e., it doesn't).

25. (if you're low self-esteem / ego strength / value) I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with myself, I'm disgusting, deranged and generally worthless, so it is only good that some poor girl doesn't have to deal with me.

26. IDK about other but most real life relationships around me don't even look good from the outside, so maybe exposing yourself to stories of normies relationship issues might help. Just constant complaining, dissatisfaction, exploitation, etc.

27. (if you care about your value / ethics) I don't think relationship status is some sort of perfect predictor of ones value, just think of the autist virgin STEM-lords like Newton that made large contributions to the comforts of modern life compared to serial killers, deranged politicians and cult leaders that have women chasing after them.
I wish I could give this some sort of super-mega-like. This is exactly the kind of thing I wanted to see in this thread, thank you. Extremely based.
 
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