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Spacing Out

Spacing Out

Apr 17, 2020
A lot of trigger warnings in here, probably. Sexual abuse, harm, etc etc

So tonight I had a long talk with my sister (we have them sometimes) and talked about old traumas that we're both going through, because despite our differences it turns out we share a lot of them (she's almost 10 years older with a different dad). Some of the things she said really hit me and it almost feels like too much right now (hence a nice ranting thread, I guess).

One of the things that hit was a discussion about a place we moved to when I was small. I've grown to hate that place and when she was talking about it, I realized that it represents a person I was never allowed to be (we subsequently moved to literally the middle of nowhere - a forest, a food desert, no buses or transit even remotely close, my closest friend 7 km away and was barely allowed to even see him). I've been dealing with realizing that there's another version of me that I wanted SO badly but wasn't allowed to have (helicopter and overprotective divorced parents, I wasn't allowed to go for walks with friends even). She was stripped of even more because she finally had friends there too, and it's like mourning and grieving an entire person... I know I can become that person now but I've been hearing so many people's stories from high school and such and I missed out on... so much.

The nice thing is that like.. I have an opportunity now. But it's so painful because with that other version's loss came a whole lifetime of literal isolation and terrible fighting and my parents' terrible partners, plus so much more that I won't touch on here.

I guess really I'm posting here right now because I don't know what else to do. One of my instincts was to go self harm and suicidal but I don't actually wanna do that? So I came here anyway to post and get it out somewhere people probably also understand. I'm on the recovery board now, so I guess that counts for something?
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