Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
You're ready to die, and you know the method. It's simple enough, in theory. And maybe it's not even scary until the later stages of the method.
You order stuff on the internet anyway - what difference is it to order a rope, or drugs, which you might have ordered before for everyday use?
Getting to that high building shouldn't be scary in itself, right? Only once you're at the top. Driving there, is not unlike any trip you've done, from a practical view - I mean, might be the same distance and same sort of place you usually go.
The first stages in the plan should be easy. It should be only the later stages that are hard. But the early stages are hard. So it's not just the one hard act of killing yourself, but that and all the preparation, some of which would be mundane if not for the intent, but are still terrifying.
So you put it off, and put it off, and you're so scared that you go from actively planning and arranging to just waiting for the ideal time to come, when it's easier, but you know that there'll never be an ideal time.
And then you're scared that you'll be just one of many people who can't take their life because it's too difficult, or that you'll be one of the unlucky people who survive with a messed-up body.
And you start to wonder if you'll ever go by suicide...
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever go at all. Logically, I know that everyone dies, but sometimes it seems like everyone else's deaths are just stories or a trick or an illusion or very rare. Sometimes I don't even believe that suicide is possible - it seems too good to be true, and I can only imagine death for those who don't die of suicide. Sometimes it feels like you can't achieve death by suicide because death is meant to be neutral, or bad, and just something that happens, and that you can't bring death to end all of your problems, so to speak, because that would be too ideal.
It just seems surreal that a natural process could end all of one's problems.

I keep feeling like suicide will never happen for me because it's just not the way things are, and I can't end all my suffering with my own decision - it has to be something that happens without my input.
Typically, when someone thinks of death they think of death coming to that person, rather than the other way around.
It kind of feels like a gift that you must be given and it doesn't work if you take it yourself.
I know it's irrational. I know I'll die if my body is damaged enough.
But death still often feels like...an urban legend, I guess?
Sometimes I feel like the prospect of death is just a trap meant to lure me into injuring myself so that I shall get locked up, and that even if I do the most fool-proof method there is, it won't work and it'll just get me hospitalised.
I feel like death is impossible unless you meet the right requirements: being old, having serious physical health problems, etc, and that people spread the myth that death is available to all so they know who to lock up and so they can lock them up without consequences.
Like you can't have death unless a doctor says that it's possible and thinks it's morally acceptable.
I hate how loads of people are made to feel prosecuted and paranoid for exercising their own choice and freedom.
I envy those who can view it all in a completely practical, logical manner and not hesitate to do it once they're ready, as if it's an everyday decision.
 
M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,036
It is so impossible hundreds of people die every day. Roughly one million of them die by suicide in a year.

Man, I wish my dreams were this impossible.

If one is to believe death is the absolute end of one's existence, then it is not really surreal to believe it will put an end to this individual's problems. A person's problems can't exist if the person themself doesn't.

Make sure you really want to die, OP. For some reason I don't see the conviction that was present in the posts of (supposedly) deceased users such as Sonnenblume, Malice1 and maybe Tiredman's posts.
 
Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
I am aware of the masses who die; I'm just stating that it doesn't feel true, to me as an individual, even though it may do to you and practically everyone else.
Logically, I know it isn't surreal, but emotions work outside logic.
 
Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
I do really want to die. I struggle to accept the whole process of dying, but then I suppose there are many who go who also find it near impossible.
I'm trying to break it down into stages to make it easier. I just really need the courage to overdose, and then I would hope that I'm so out-of-it that I'm not nearly so scared.
Sometimes people have barely any conviction but kill themselves out of desperation and suffering - guess I'm depending on that.
 
Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
I would have more conviction if I knew that I would get death, but I don't know if I'm setting myself up for death or imprisonment.
I want to watch myself bleed out so that might win over. I guess I'd attempt it no matter what if I got to the place of death and someone had come to stop me.
I just need to get there; once I'm there the risk of being found is so great that I would barely risk anything by attempting.
 
N

nuclearsnake

Student
Jul 11, 2018
147
I simply cannot fully comprehend nonexistence. People say that death is like the time before you were born or that between falling asleep or waking up - so it's nothing. But it still isn't something that can actually happen to me. My whole life is existence and consciousness. There's always something that comes after a short period of nothing.
The idea of falling asleep and just being gone for good without ever being able to realize that or process anything at all is simply odd. It scares me because I think that my attempts will always fail since I can't imagine myself dying, ever - plus with most methods there's a slight chance it won't work and I fear that it never will and I'll always end up being discovered because, as I said, I struggle with the idea of me dying.

I really wish you could just go and apply for suicide. Go to hospital, take a drug, fall asleep.
 
Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
I really relate to what you say - I feel exactly the same. Sometimes I daydream that Dignitas has relaxed their requirements and I just write them a letter, they send someone to bring me there, and I lose consciousnees knowing that no-one will prevent my death.
Apllying for suicide would be amazing. And then you could say your goodbyes and tell people that you're going to die and they would not be legally entitled to stop you.
 
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Gumby

Gumby

Student
Jun 10, 2018
104
I simply cannot fully comprehend nonexistence. People say that death is like the time before you were born or that between falling asleep or waking up - so it's nothing. But it still isn't something that can actually happen to me. My whole life is existence and consciousness. There's always something that comes after a short period of nothing.
The idea of falling asleep and just being gone for good without ever being able to realize that or process anything at all is simply odd. It scares me because I think that my attempts will always fail since I can't imagine myself dying, ever - plus with most methods there's a slight chance it won't work and I fear that it never will and I'll always end up being discovered because, as I said, I struggle with the idea of me dying.

I really wish you could just go and apply for suicide. Go to hospital, take a drug, fall asleep.
Nuclearsnake - great screen name
 
Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
I like that idea. That's what I'll be telling myself if my upcoming attempt fails.
I can't imagine things ending on my own terms, either.
 
Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
I'd hope that when I die, my consciousness gets activated in an alternative reality where everything that could have gone right in this life, did.
 
I've waited so long

I've waited so long

Student
Jul 11, 2018
141
HOLY FUCK I FEEL THE SAME WAY, LIKE DEATH DOESN'T EVEN SEEM REAL.
I'm ALready in Hell.
 
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Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
638
And you start to wonder if you'll ever go by suicide...

Yep. You can say that again. Just what'll it take, man. What the hell will it take.....

Personally though, I've never had any fear of failing. Just the dying.

As far as death seeming "unreal", I sort of get what you mean. It's the rather strange notion that death is something that happens to other people, but won't for you. Almost like an unconscious lie of immortality that the ego tells itself to avoid one's thoughts dwelling on its inevitable annihilation. I've never gotten it myself, but I've certainly seen it displayed, quite brazenly, by those around me (especially my father). Reminds me of Akira Kurosawa's Ikiru, to be honest. How the story of death can suddenly become terrifyingly real for those not prepared to face it. As far as I'm concerned, one of the main focuses in life should be a constant awareness & preparation for death. Instead we, as a species, just plug our ears/cover our eyes and ignore it, thereby making the process of death much harder/more traumatic than it potentially needs to be. Aldous Huxley's Brave New World had the right idea when it came to this sort of thing in the form of "death conditioning".

Death conditioning (which begins at the age of eighteen months), is where all the children have to spend time in the Hospital for the Dying. Here, they are treated with the greatest care and are conditioned with toys and chocolate cream on death days to view death as something pleasant.
Consequently, there is no grief, no tears, and no mystery connected with death.



Ikiru01.png
 
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I've waited so long

I've waited so long

Student
Jul 11, 2018
141
Yep. You can say that again. Just what'll it take, man. What the hell will it take.....

Personally though, I've never had any fear of failing. Just the dying.

As far as death seeming "unreal", I sort of get what you mean. It's the rather strange notion that death is something that happens to other people, but won't for you. Almost like an unconscious lie of immortality that the ego tells itself to avoid one's thoughts dwelling on its inevitable annihilation. I've never gotten it myself, but I've certainly seen it displayed, quite brazenly, by those around me (especially my father). Reminds me of Akira Kurosawa's Ikiru, to be honest. How the story of death can suddenly become terrifyingly real for those not prepared to face it. As far as I'm concerned, one of the main focuses in life should be a constant awareness & preparation for death. Instead we, as a species, just plug our ears/cover our eyes and ignore it, thereby making the process of death much harder/more traumatic than it potentially needs to be. Aldous Huxley's Brave New World had the right idea when it came to this sort of thing in the form of "death conditioning".





Ikiru01.png
Are You sanctionedsuicides Prophet?
 
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Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
638
Are You sanctionedsuicides Prophet?


Yes, but only if you define "prophet" as some crazy cross-eyed hobo who lives behind a dumpster and shouts drunken incoherent rants at whomever happens to pass by. That's essentially the best way I could describe all of the random crap I've written here, and that's being generous. Just a bunch of useless trash haphazardly picked out from the garbage can of my mind, only to be plastered across this website out of boredom. Not much else to be said, frankly.

JwmEoai.png
 
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C

CogNTheWheel

New Member
Jul 10, 2018
1
Death is a scary prospect and to be respected. It's not easy. Sometimes I think I need to stop putting the pressure on myself. It would be easier for me if I new what alternate universe I'd be in and what that would be like. But then again, there's the trap. Does "existing" really end and do we actually get a choice for our souls? It seems like a horrible sick trick that's so unfair with absolutely no control. You just show up in a universe you didn't ask to be in and have to deal with it. That's not freedom. I ponder . . . how do I get out of this trap and really know that if I stop existing in this lifetime, that will mean I will never exist in any reality.
 
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I've waited so long

I've waited so long

Student
Jul 11, 2018
141
Yes, but only if you define "prophet" as some crazy cross-eyed hobo who lives behind a dumpster and shouts drunken incoherent rants at whomever happens to pass by. That's essentially the best way I could describe all of the random crap I've written here, and that's being generous. Just a bunch of useless trash haphazardly picked out from the garbage can of my mind, only to be plastered across this website out of boredom. Not much else to be said, frankly.

JwmEoai.png
Love you man,