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OvertheRainbeaux

OvertheRainbeaux

stuck down a rabbit hole of misery
Joined
Jan 1, 2020
Messages
43
Since I was a child anytime I felt alone or depressed the only comfort I found was fantasizing about my own death. Just imagining my own funeral and the people who would come and be sad. It’s almost like this sick feeling of actually being “loved and cared about” for once. I mean I know I have people love and care about me in my life but when you die it’s like people actually care, I mean it’s a little too late at that point but I hope somebody knows what I mean. I always fantasize about my death, now it’s coming to a point where it’s not even just about the feeling of anyone giving a damn about me not being a live anymore, it’s not a comfort mechanism. I literally fantasize about dying just to escape my mental hell. I hate how this is me. Anxiety is killing me. I’m not even a normal person. It’s not fair.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
14,797
Oh yes, all the time. I do get paranoid about people misinterpreting things about my death or...remembering me fondly...ugh.

I want people to be happy when I’m dead. If they can laugh and be happy at John McCain dying then they should love me being gone from this earth.
 
Shadowrider

Shadowrider

Student
Joined
Jan 26, 2021
Messages
184
@OvertheRainbeaux : I think I was experiencing - and sometimes still experience - the same.
Thinking about being dead gave me an ease, a kind of comfort, quite often. At least they show they care when you are buried. (Even if I keep thinking funerals are for the living, the thought people would come and see me dead gave me some kind of... comfort, yes. No matter how awkward it feels.)
And yes, I have fantasies about being dead. Just not existing any more and no more anxieties, no more worries about the future, no more shame and feeling worthless. Nonexistence. Sometimes I am so agitated and angry with myself that suffering a violent death seems to be the only way to get some closure.
(This is ironical because if I did it, I would choose hanging, night night or yew poisoning. And I know I am not going to do it. This is why I am active in this Recovery section.
Yet my fantasies are always about bloody and violent ways of exiting. I picture myself in a pool of blood in the hallway of the apartment - though I know it's hard to bleed to death -, or shooting myself - though I have no access to firearms and know you can be unlucky enough to survive as a braindead vegetable and/or with a destroyed face.)

@Dr Iron Arc : I know it's very sad, but you can always be sure there will be at least a few people who are going to remember you fondly.
Okay, ironical and bad jokes aside: I get your point - at least I think I do. (I would not be unsensitive enough to laugh at someone's death, no matter if the news is about a politician, a celebrity or just an everyday person.) If people are so careless that they can laugh about somebody else's passing, they'd better not take an exception.
Also. People who mobbed me, ridiculed me, laughed at my misery, thought that making me hopeless and desperate was a funny thing to do should have a good laugh on my funeral too. Put that "fun" into funeral, goddammit. Yes I am sarcastic.
Also. If they knew how unhappy someone was, if they knew how they (the deceased I mean) welcomed death, they should be happy for him/her that (s)he is not suffering any more.
Is this what you meant or did I misunderstand or project something?
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Living dead girl
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
2,032
Yes, whenever I have been in a bad place thinking of my own death has comforted me. I see death as an escape and a way of gaining control over a life I never asked for. It is freedom. I’ve even had dreams about it.