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onewayroad

onewayroad

“Dying is not a crime.” ― Jack Kevorkian
Oct 4, 2018
358
I have had my mind completely snap. An utter and complete psychotic break. I have had less severe episodes, but I know what it feels like to entirely lose your mind and become a raving, screaming psychotic.

It is the most terrifying and horrific experience I have had in the last 30 years.

I live in constant fear that it is about to happen again, and I often feel it coming, rising like a wave of madness making the gears and cogs of my mind slip and grind. Then I calm down and it goes away. But I don't know when the time will come when it doesn't go away, and it happens again.

Does anyone else understand how I feel? Have you had a 'psychotic episode' or whatever you would like to call it?

How do you cope?
 
Weeping Garbage Can

Weeping Garbage Can

ਕਿਰਪਾ ਕਰਕੇ ਮੈਨੂੰ ਭੁੱਲ ਜਾਓ ❤️
Oct 31, 2018
316
Oh my...just from reading this your experience sounds horrifying. I've definitely not experienced anything to this extent, but I do know how it's like to have consciousness become a cage with the mind as a cruel jailer. I truly hope you find solace somewhere, somehow. Hugs <3
I have had my mind completely snap. An utter and complete psychotic break. I have had less severe episodes, but I know what it feels like to entirely lose your mind and become a raving, screaming psychotic.

It is the most terrifying and horrific experience I have had in the last 30 years.

I live in constant fear that it is about to happen again, and I often feel it coming, rising like a wave of madness making the gears and cogs of my mind slip and grind. Then I calm down and it goes away. But I don't know when the time will come when it doesn't go away, and it happens again.

Does anyone else understand how I feel? Have you had a 'psychotic episode' or whatever you would like to call it?

How do you cope?
 
Justanotherconsumer

Justanotherconsumer

Paragon
Jul 9, 2018
974
It starts with sleep deprivation, or a traumatic event, your brain can't cope with a meaningless existance and starts creating it's own reality, often with hallucinations and seeing symbolism in nearly everything, to reenforce it's deluded belief.

If you accept the new reality and personna, it's like rewireing your brain.
The whole process seems similar to a possession, and ironically when your at your lowest point seems to drift away and leave your normal mind to deal with all the consequences.

Waco, Jim Jones, alot of death cults and religions point to death as the way out.
 
S

samsays89

Student
Oct 4, 2018
139
Some things that I do that may help are mantras, or repeating the same thing over and over to yourself. "I don't hear voices and I'm healthy". Over and over to drown out everything else. Trying to reason your way out of it is good, and the fact you can calm yourself down and avoid episodes is excellent. I've heard meditation can help with that but for me meditation is the opposite effect because my mind fills itself up. Distractions like reading anything may help too. Maybe google "calming techniques" and have a variety of methods. Oh and pacing while imagining ctb helps me realize it'll all end soon, which is relaxing for me.

I actually amputated my toe with a chisel, dumbel, and knife, thinking I had to pay back an extra-planar deity after my stolen truck was recovered mostly intact. I tried to avoid going to ER, but after a week I believed it got infected and went to an ER. While there, the voices became more prominent, for some reason I thought someone was after me, so I ripped out my IV in the middle of the night, got dressed, and kept bugging the staff for me to be released because someone was coming, and also asked them if they could hear the voices. After corrective surgery I ended up being involuntarily committed with an order of protective custody.

For some reason I believed I had been drugged and implanted during surgery, but the antipsychotic Risperidone I was given did help. Eventually the side effect of fatigue made it so I could barely get out of bed, much less walk my dog around the block. I was switched to Abilify later, but I'm too afraid to take it due to side effects. I just drink instead, which I can't recommend because I can't always be drunk and alcohol withdrawal sucks. For now, I just hear music or chanting in the background sometimes, and don't have many anxiety attacks which is good because that's when auditory hallucinations and delusions get worse. Sound is distorted too, and sometimes I get tons of intrusive thoughts and disturbing images or visions.

But remaining calm and figuring out how to calm yourself down I think is the most important thing.
 
onewayroad

onewayroad

“Dying is not a crime.” ― Jack Kevorkian
Oct 4, 2018
358
what happened bro
Nothing happened. This is just part of living with mental illness.

I don't know. Are you aware that you're losing your sanity whilst it's happening?
Yes

Some things that I do that may help are mantras, or repeating the same thing over and over to yourself. "I don't hear voices and I'm healthy". Over and over to drown out everything else. Trying to reason your way out of it is good, and the fact you can calm yourself down and avoid episodes is excellent. I've heard meditation can help with that but for me meditation is the opposite effect because my mind fills itself up. Distractions like reading anything may help too. Maybe google "calming techniques" and have a variety of methods. Oh and pacing while imagining ctb helps me realize it'll all end soon, which is relaxing for me.

I actually amputated my toe with a chisel, dumbel, and knife, thinking I had to pay back an extra-planar deity after my stolen truck was recovered mostly intact. I tried to avoid going to ER, but after a week I believed it got infected and went to an ER. While there, the voices became more prominent, for some reason I thought someone was after me, so I ripped out my IV in the middle of the night, got dressed, and kept bugging the staff for me to be released because someone was coming, and also asked them if they could hear the voices. After corrective surgery I ended up being involuntarily committed with an order of protective custody.

For some reason I believed I had been drugged and implanted during surgery, but the antipsychotic Risperidone I was given did help. Eventually the side effect of fatigue made it so I could barely get out of bed, much less walk my dog around the block. I was switched to Abilify later, but I'm too afraid to take it due to side effects. I just drink instead, which I can't recommend because I can't always be drunk and alcohol withdrawal sucks. For now, I just hear music or chanting in the background sometimes, and don't have many anxiety attacks which is good because that's when auditory hallucinations and delusions get worse. Sound is distorted too, and sometimes I get tons of intrusive thoughts and disturbing images or visions.

But remaining calm and figuring out how to calm yourself down I think is the most important thing.

Yes! Repeating things helps me to calm down a lot. I like "breathe, just breathe, focus on breathing, breathe" etc. that one often works for me.
Abilify did nothing for me, didn't even get side effects, just nothing. I haven't tried risperidone but I'm on lithium and quetiapine at the moment and quetiapine is ok, not that good though.
 
wiIIow

wiIIow

Arcanist
Sep 22, 2018
459
I ride that line frequently, and have crossed it a few times in my life. Every time, I could feel ot building up, I was aware of it, but powerless to stop it. It's like one moment the bottom would drop out, if that makes any sense. I remember one time I snapped it's almost like I physically heard a "snap," like a branch snapping. Once I cross that line I'm so far gone I don't know how I manage to come back. I don't think I fully do to be honest, I always feel like I've been split into pieces and rearranged by the time it's over.

I fear that eventually I'm just gonna be lost, that I won't be able to get a grip. in the meantime I'm riding that line very closely these days, it's very uncomfortable. I can tell when my brains starting to fuck up and things are... "off." All I can do is hope it doesnt escalate

but anyway I know what you're talking about, for sure
 
onewayroad

onewayroad

“Dying is not a crime.” ― Jack Kevorkian
Oct 4, 2018
358
I ride that line frequently, and have crossed it a few times in my life. Every time, I could feel ot building up, I was aware of it, but powerless to stop it. It's like one moment the bottom would drop out, if that makes any sense. I remember one time I snapped it's almost like I physically heard a "snap," like a branch snapping. Once I cross that line I'm so far gone I don't know how I manage to come back. I don't think I fully do to be honest, I always feel like I've been split into pieces and rearranged by the time it's over.

I fear that eventually I'm just gonna be lost, that I won't be able to get a grip. in the meantime I'm riding that line very closely these days, it's very uncomfortable. I can tell when my brains starting to fuck up and things are... "off." All I can do is hope it doesnt escalate

but anyway I know what you're talking about, for sure

Some of the things you said to describe it I have written before, the exact same metaphors. It's amazing, everything you said is what I feel, I am so terrified that one day I will lose my grip completely and never be able to come back. Somehow I've always come back so far, and like you said I don't know how.

Losing your grip is really a great way of describing it I think, sometimes I can almost feel that rope slipping through my mind's hands. Cracking up also works, sometimes my mind feels like it's breaking into pieces... kind of like what you said. Psychological fragmentation.

I hope you can stay sane friend. I hope I can too.
 
wiIIow

wiIIow

Arcanist
Sep 22, 2018
459
I hope you can stay sane friend. I hope I can too.

I hope you can too. Sorry you have to go through this shit, I understand the unique kind of suffering it brings

I'm barely holding on right now, but two important things that have at least been keeping one foot in reality, I've noticed:

human contact, in any form. I start to get weird if I am alone too long and only have my own brain as a reference point. Sucks because the dread of social interaction has gotten a lot worse for me, especially since I know I'm losing my shit and that it's obvious by my mannerisms and the way I talk. But online interaction works too, anything to pull you out of your own head a little bit.

The other thing is just getting outside every day. I'm unemployed right now and so this might be unique to my situation, but i go for a walk every night just to stay sane, like I start to spiral out if I don't do it. I don't know why it seems to help, but it does.

like others have said, repeated mantras or something are a thing. Usually I dont think to do that until I'm reallyyyy losing it, then I often wind up rocking back and forth on the floor, repeating a certain phrase to myself, classic crazy person style I guess. But maybe that isn't the same thing, my phrases either don't make any sense or are pleas from desperation

eh I'm starting to ramble and i dont know where im going with this. hope something i said was helpful. Finding anything that can ease the suffering even a little can be a big deal
 
onewayroad

onewayroad

“Dying is not a crime.” ― Jack Kevorkian
Oct 4, 2018
358
I hope you can too. Sorry you have to go through this shit, I understand the unique kind of suffering it brings

I'm barely holding on right now, but two important things that have at least been keeping one foot in reality, I've noticed:

human contact, in any form. I start to get weird if I am alone too long and only have my own brain as a reference point. Sucks because the dread of social interaction has gotten a lot worse for me, especially since I know I'm losing my shit and that it's obvious by my mannerisms and the way I talk. But online interaction works too, anything to pull you out of your own head a little bit.

The other thing is just getting outside every day. I'm unemployed right now and so this might be unique to my situation, but i go for a walk every night just to stay sane, like I start to spiral out if I don't do it. I don't know why it seems to help, but it does.

like others have said, repeated mantras or something are a thing. Usually I dont think to do that until I'm reallyyyy losing it, then I often wind up rocking back and forth on the floor, repeating a certain phrase to myself, classic crazy person style I guess. But maybe that isn't the same thing, my phrases either don't make any sense or are pleas from desperation

eh I'm starting to ramble and i dont know where im going with this. hope something i said was helpful. Finding anything that can ease the suffering even a little can be a big deal

Yeah that does help. I find that communicating with people helps me because I have to pretend to not be losing my mind, and by pretending to be ok I somehow become more ok? Does that make sense? And getting outside does help me too, summer is just starting in Australia so I've started going to the beach more often.

I guess another thing that scares me is not so much feeling like I'm about to lose my mind, it's knowing that it can happen suddenly and without warning.
 
E

Essie

Student
Oct 20, 2018
100
Yes. I have had a severe panic disorder that lasted 2 years (11 years ago) of 24/7 panic, even in sleep. Then I turned schizophrenic and heard between 1-1000s of voices, which lasted a year (4 years ago), and then have had a very difficult life of many "mental breakdowns" where I thought I would "lose my mind." I am having one now, to be frank.

I backed myself out of the panic and schizo by learning to control my thoughts. I did post a short explanation of what I did, so if interested, checking my posts will show that. I had 100% cure of both panic and schizo with no meds or treatments, past a few supplements I took as needed. No relapses either. It was very hard on a minute-to-minute basis, but proved effective with much practice and time.

The other times I feel like I am going mad, controlling thoughts can help, but I am less inclined to bother because if I am angry because Drs destroyed my body and I am in severe pain (like I am now), I am less interested in taking personal responsibility to change MYSELF and my thinking and feelings I am having about my situation that THEY caused me, even if it would help me feel better, see? I am not trying to be a "brat" about it, I am just feeling it is over-the-top to expect me to think differently about severe disability (for example) and try to override the reality with different thinking. But I AM attempting to do that on/off now, to maybe save my life.

I KNOW it IS possible to get control and cure mental issues. I have done it in the past where all hope seemed lost. My aunt has been institutionalized for schizophrenia for the last 45 years. I did have it come on for me, but I began trying to cure it right when it cropped up the same I did the panic, and it worked. Right now, I am toying with the idea I can use the same techniques to CURE physical issues (mind over matter, per se) but am feeling a bit doubtful and impatient with the thought of trying.

But I want to say that I KNOW mental issues CAN be controlled and cured, from experience, with work on your part. Outside help is not necessary, and I personally did not take that route of therapy and medications because of bad past experiences.

You can contact me if you want any help/info with any of the techniques I employed. I have read 20 yrs worth of therapy books as well, but really find those methods to not work for me in practice. Too complicated and formal and not good to use in a pinch of a real emergency where you can't even think straight.

Edit to add: With my schizo, I had the voices, and they did appear to come from all over my body (so a voice would come from the stomach, etc...), and I had a lot of painful things happen (like feeling my intestines were being squeezed, getting zapped, sensations of getting burned or cold, etc...) No visual hallucinations, though.
 
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onewayroad

onewayroad

“Dying is not a crime.” ― Jack Kevorkian
Oct 4, 2018
358
Yes. I have had a severe panic disorder that lasted 2 years (11 years ago) of 24/7 panic, even in sleep. Then I turned schizophrenic and heard between 1-1000s of voices, which lasted a year (4 years ago), and then have had a very difficult life of many "mental breakdowns" where I thought I would "lose my mind." I am having one now, to be frank.

I backed myself out of the panic and schizo by learning to control my thoughts. I did post a short explanation of what I did, so if interested, checking my posts will show that. I had 100% cure of both panic and schizo with no meds or treatments, past a few supplements I took as needed. No relapses either. It was very hard on a minute-to-minute basis, but proved effective with much practice and time.

The other times I feel like I am going mad, controlling thoughts can help, but I am less inclined to bother because if I am angry because Drs destroyed my body and I am in severe pain (like I am now), I am less interested in taking personal responsibility to change MYSELF and my thinking and feelings I am having about my situation that THEY caused me, even if it would help me feel better, see? I am not trying to be a "brat" about it, I am just feeling it is over-the-top to expect me to think differently about severe disability (for example) and try to override the reality with different thinking. But I AM attempting to do that on/off now, to maybe save my life.

I KNOW it IS possible to get control and cure mental issues. I have done it in the past where all hope seemed lost. My aunt has been institutionalized for schizophrenia for the last 45 years. I did have it come on for me, but I began trying to cure it right when it cropped up the same I did the panic, and it worked. Right now, I am toying with the idea I can use the same techniques to CURE physical issues (mind over matter, per se) but am feeling a bit doubtful and impatient with the thought of trying.

But I want to say that I KNOW mental issues CAN be controlled and cured, from experience, with work on your part. Outside help is not necessary, and I personally did not take that route of therapy and medications because of bad past experiences.

You can contact me if you want any help/info with any of the techniques I employed. I have read 20 yrs worth of therapy books as well, but really find those methods to not work for me in practice. Too complicated and formal and not good to use in a pinch of a real emergency where you can't even think straight.

Edit to add: With my schizo, I had the voices, and they did appear to come from all over my body (so a voice would come from the stomach, etc...), and I had a lot of painful things happen (like feeling my intestines were being squeezed, getting zapped, sensations of getting burned or cold, etc...) No visual hallucinations, though.

I looked through your posts and couldn't find the one you mentioned, could you post a link to it or copy+paste? To be honest I don't think it's always possible to cure mental illness with psychological techniques. Sometimes it is, but it depends on the severity and physiology of the illness. Anyway I would be interested to hear what you have tried.
 
E

Essie

Student
Oct 20, 2018
100
Yes, I will post it. Let me find it. Also, yes, I agree with you. My aunt is schizophrenic and has been institutionalized for the last 45 years. I don't know if she could have helped herself back then when it onset, but IMO, there is NO WAY to help her now. For me, my schizo onset was likely NOT going to happen on its own--I instigated it by mistake. So it was easier for me to back myself out. I was VERY scared, though, with my family history, and with some of the mistakes I made by listening to the voices when I could have done myself serious harm. But I do not think I would have gotten schizo w/o the things I was doing to instigate it, so for others who it just manifests on its own, I can't say any techniques would work. I don't know. (So this, IMO, is a difference b/w a brain malfunctioning, and an action that triggers a brain to malfunction. The latter, I think, is easier to reverse and treat because nothing was otherwise wrong with the person till an event/substance/action caused the problem.) But very careful following of techniques did work in my case over the course of 1 and 2 years. I think panic and anxiety and depression are much easier than schizo, yet I can say I never cured my depression, but never really thought to try much, as it is not like the panic and schizo that destroyed my life. My depression bothers other people FAR more than it bothers me.

So I want to say that I did not mean ANYONE can do it, that I know it CAN be done by SOME--this is contrary to what some Drs say--that it is 100% incurable. I hope that makes more sense. I am having a hard time articulating this clearly. I will post what I wrote as soon as I find it. And don't hesitate to ask me to clarify anything. These things are pretty hard to get across in written form and take quite a bit of explanation in person to convey properly.
 
E

Essie

Student
Oct 20, 2018
100
Here is what I wrote in this thread: https://sanctioned-suicide.org/threads/anyone-else-have-super-high-anxiety.6270/#post-104769

"I had a severe panic disorder for 2 years a decade ago. After a severe life-threatening reaction to a medication prescribed, I used inositol and choline supplements in a very small amount. They helped maybe a bit with the physical symptoms of panic, and I had hundreds of things that all those lists say occur (sweating, heart rate, vision changes, etc... depending on the day).

But what cured it (and it never came back as a disorder, but an attack here and there over the years is easy to get under control right away) was first total avoidance of any thought that bothered me. Literally reject it from the mind right after it was thought. It was so bad I listened to birds chip outside all day because my mind got nasty and did dumb things like turn the thought of a stuffed animal into a lethal weapon you could potentially choke someone with (for example). So I got scared to think at all but found birds chirping just never scared me. So first a ton of that to get control of myself physically with the symptoms and gradually mentally.

Then I tried to reprogram my mind to be normal again by remember how I used to think and doing that. Sort of like how at night after a scary movie everything seems menacing, but in the day, that thought seems silly and you feel safe. So in that same way, make the new thinking that is scary not scary anymore (like in the day) if it is actually not something you deem to BE scary (like an attacker). I hope I am explaining this okay.

It took 2 years of this, and then a lot of reassessing what I really feel about actual possibly dangerous/bad/scary things and choosing what I believe now if what I used to think is no longer valid (such as, I used to think doctors could not hurt me, but after the Rx mistake, I will be more cautious).

It was really quite simple to do in technique, and virtually impossible in practice at times, but it did work over the 2 years, and it dwindled down to a nonexistent thing for me except for in actual scary things, when I do notice a panic attack can come on, but I can get physical control. Such as when a stray cat I took in one freezing night I found him in my garage and he vomited worms in my basement, and I panicked. That is valid to be scared, but I needed to get the physical symptoms under control to handle the cat and the worms and be able to think straight. So I was able to do that much better than before because I trained myself how to deal with scary things and move past that to think better and cope with the situation."


And if you are really interested, I can send you over a SUPER long word document (in a PM if it will fit) that I wrote about 6 years ago for my tenant who had a daughter having panic episodes and all sorts of other issues. She'd been to dozens of Drs around the country with no real improvement, and no definite diagnosis. So we talked in person, then I wrote her out precisely what I did so she could refer back to it as needed. She said implementing it did help her daughter more than any of the other things she tried, including the therapy and medications, though it was by no means a 100% cure. I will try to find it if you are interested and change it around for an adult, since I wrote it with a 6-yr-old in mind. Just let me know.
 
cupio dissolvi

cupio dissolvi

Member
Oct 20, 2018
49
And if you are really interested, I can send you over a SUPER long word document (in a PM if it will fit) that I wrote about 6 years ago for my tenant who had a daughter having panic episodes and all sorts of other issues. She'd been to dozens of Drs around the country with no real improvement, and no definite diagnosis. So we talked in person, then I wrote her out precisely what I did so she could refer back to it as needed. She said implementing it did help her daughter more than any of the other things she tried, including the therapy and medications, though it was by no means a 100% cure. I will try to find it if you are interested and change it around for an adult, since I wrote it with a 6-yr-old in mind. Just let me know.

Sceptical, but I have nothing to lose. Could you please send me the document?
 
onewayroad

onewayroad

“Dying is not a crime.” ― Jack Kevorkian
Oct 4, 2018
358
Here is what I wrote in this thread: https://sanctioned-suicide.org/threads/anyone-else-have-super-high-anxiety.6270/#post-104769

"I had a severe panic disorder for 2 years a decade ago. After a severe life-threatening reaction to a medication prescribed, I used inositol and choline supplements in a very small amount. They helped maybe a bit with the physical symptoms of panic, and I had hundreds of things that all those lists say occur (sweating, heart rate, vision changes, etc... depending on the day).

But what cured it (and it never came back as a disorder, but an attack here and there over the years is easy to get under control right away) was first total avoidance of any thought that bothered me. Literally reject it from the mind right after it was thought. It was so bad I listened to birds chip outside all day because my mind got nasty and did dumb things like turn the thought of a stuffed animal into a lethal weapon you could potentially choke someone with (for example). So I got scared to think at all but found birds chirping just never scared me. So first a ton of that to get control of myself physically with the symptoms and gradually mentally.

Then I tried to reprogram my mind to be normal again by remember how I used to think and doing that. Sort of like how at night after a scary movie everything seems menacing, but in the day, that thought seems silly and you feel safe. So in that same way, make the new thinking that is scary not scary anymore (like in the day) if it is actually not something you deem to BE scary (like an attacker). I hope I am explaining this okay.

It took 2 years of this, and then a lot of reassessing what I really feel about actual possibly dangerous/bad/scary things and choosing what I believe now if what I used to think is no longer valid (such as, I used to think doctors could not hurt me, but after the Rx mistake, I will be more cautious).

It was really quite simple to do in technique, and virtually impossible in practice at times, but it did work over the 2 years, and it dwindled down to a nonexistent thing for me except for in actual scary things, when I do notice a panic attack can come on, but I can get physical control. Such as when a stray cat I took in one freezing night I found him in my garage and he vomited worms in my basement, and I panicked. That is valid to be scared, but I needed to get the physical symptoms under control to handle the cat and the worms and be able to think straight. So I was able to do that much better than before because I trained myself how to deal with scary things and move past that to think better and cope with the situation."


And if you are really interested, I can send you over a SUPER long word document (in a PM if it will fit) that I wrote about 6 years ago for my tenant who had a daughter having panic episodes and all sorts of other issues. She'd been to dozens of Drs around the country with no real improvement, and no definite diagnosis. So we talked in person, then I wrote her out precisely what I did so she could refer back to it as needed. She said implementing it did help her daughter more than any of the other things she tried, including the therapy and medications, though it was by no means a 100% cure. I will try to find it if you are interested and change it around for an adult, since I wrote it with a 6-yr-old in mind. Just let me know.

Sure, I'll take a look at it if it's not too much trouble to send it. Sounds interesting.
 
E

Essie

Student
Oct 20, 2018
100
Sure, I'll take a look at it if it's not too much trouble to send it. Sounds interesting.

Give me a little time to find it. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I have 5 computers and a billion jump drives. I think I know where it is, but who knows. I also will switch it around the best I can for an adult, but if you see suggestions about playing with toys or time-outs, you are more than welcome to try them, but they were not meant for you! ;)
 
E

Essie

Student
Oct 20, 2018
100
One more thing: I will also write you up the best I can how I handled the schizo. The document I wrote for the little girl's mom was for the panic I had. I used similar techniques for both, but they were different enough to want to make a distinction. I sort of built on what I had done prior when the schizo arose, so I found through trial-and-error what could be applied well for both and what did not work so much *in my case*. So that I will have to write up for you to tack on to the end of the other one. Or I will write it up separate and send it at a later time depending how quickly I locate and edit the first document.
 
S

Shewaitsforme

Arcanist
Sep 23, 2018
499
I think this is whats happening to me, i can feel it. Its like a physical pain in my head. My brain is vibrating so hard i cant think, feels like my brain is swelling or splitting. I told my psychologist im aware im mot well and im aware of whats happening to me.

Its scarey how emotional pain become actual physical pain.
 
Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
I'm not sure, to be honest. Define "insane." I definitely wouldn't use the term "psychotic break." But I definitely know what it feels like to lose your mind and go "insane." I've snapped over and over. It's been a continuous cycle. Most recently I snapped well over a week ago now and I don't think the feeling is going to go away. Even after a full nights sleep, it's still there. I don't really even know how to explain it, tbh. Imagine your brain as an elastic band that was pulled and stretched until it finally snapped and will never be whole again. That's what my brain feels like. Accompanied by extreme chronic dissociation and sometimes physical symptoms like nausea/headache or classic anxiety symptoms like shortness of breath. I'm not here. I'm here, but I'm not. Nothing's real. It's real, but it's not. It's a strange feeling. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm tripping. Psychological coping mechanisms.
 
onewayroad

onewayroad

“Dying is not a crime.” ― Jack Kevorkian
Oct 4, 2018
358
I think this is whats happening to me, i can feel it. Its like a physical pain in my head. My brain is vibrating so hard i cant think, feels like my brain is swelling or splitting. I told my psychologist im aware im mot well and im aware of whats happening to me.

Its scarey how emotional pain become actual physical pain.

From a neuroscience perspective, emotional pain and physical pain are indistinguishable in the brain. In fact, when I was doing my undergraduate degree in neuroscience we were taught that pain is an emotion, it's just an emotion that can be triggered by physical events. And I know that feeling well. It's like the suffering is tearing your mind into pieces. It's horrible.

I'm not sure, to be honest. Define "insane." I definitely wouldn't use the term "psychotic break." But I definitely know what it feels like to lose your mind and go "insane." I've snapped over and over. It's been a continuous cycle. Most recently I snapped well over a week ago now and I don't think the feeling is going to go away. Even after a full nights sleep, it's still there. I don't really even know how to explain it, tbh. Imagine your brain as an elastic band that was pulled and stretched until it finally snapped and will never be whole again. That's what my brain feels like. Accompanied by extreme chronic dissociation and sometimes physical symptoms like nausea/headache or classic anxiety symptoms like shortness of breath. I'm not here. I'm here, but I'm not. Nothing's real. It's real, but it's not. It's a strange feeling. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm tripping. Psychological coping mechanisms.

I know what you mean too. And by insane I mean that crazy homeless person you see on the street screaming and ranting gibberish. It's too hard to describe what feels like to be that person. It's like a kind of hyper-energized grief. Like you just drank 15 coffees, did a big line of coke then found out that everyone you love just died. But there's more to it than that, it's too hard to describe.
 
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Pointlesslife

I'm feel dead and lifeless already so why live
Nov 7, 2018
93
I have had my mind completely snap. An utter and complete psychotic break. I have had less severe episodes, but I know what it feels like to entirely lose your mind and become a raving, screaming psychotic.

It is the most terrifying and horrific experience I have had in the last 30 years.

I live in constant fear that it is about to happen again, and I often feel it coming, rising like a wave of madness making the gears and cogs of my mind slip and grind. Then I calm down and it goes away. But I don't know when the time will come when it doesn't go away, and it happens again.

Does anyone else understand how I feel? Have you had a 'psychotic episode' or whatever you would like to call it?

How do you cope?

I have psychotic episodes where I punch and beat myself and sort of scream and yell. In fact I had one today. I do it because I get so damn frustrated at every moment of my life feeling pointless.
 
onewayroad

onewayroad

“Dying is not a crime.” ― Jack Kevorkian
Oct 4, 2018
358
I have psychotic episodes where I punch and beat myself and sort of scream and yell. In fact I had one today. I do it because I get so damn frustrated at every moment of my life feeling pointless.
Yeah, I get that too. But I'd consider that more of a manic episode than a psychotic episode. Psychotic episodes are way worse, at least for me.
 
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