DF90

DF90

Experienced
Mar 18, 2018
275
I brought up in the discord that most days I want to ctb, even when I feel happy I still have a voice in the back of my head that tells me to kill myself and that it's not worth it. But every now and then I get a little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, l can turn my life around and be relatively happy despite all my issues. Most of those glimmers turn out to be bullshit, but still it happens. I'm not sure. I guess, no matter how much I want to die, I still have the tiniest bit of hope on some days that it can get better.

Does anyone else experience this or have you completely lost all hope?
 
Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
I've lost all proper hope; sometimes I have fleeting moments where I think I might carry on instead, but it's less to do with hope and more about curiousity about the future and wanting closure.
I want to die because I'm so isolated, and sometimes I think that I might meet someone I could become friends with, but it's easy to dismiss because my situation practically makes that impossible. Also, I have experienced true love; they were the only person I've ever cared about and could relate to and they are ignoring me...I can't ever replace them so it's useless to try to fill that void, and I know that they were my last hope; I could have carried on living if they were there for me but they weren't...so I feel like this is meant to happen - if I weren't meant to die then I wouldn't be so dislikeable and easy to ignore and so insignificant to others.
If the most accepting, caring individual I've ever come across doesn't want anything to do with me, then what hope do I have?
There's no hope for a paranoid, extremely anxious and depressed, insane person who is mistreated by all and whose very existence is rejected.
 
RainAndSadness

RainAndSadness

Administrator
Jun 12, 2018
1,703
No there isn't any hope left. I've made my decision back in 2017 after consciously reflecting my situation. And I have no regrets whatsoever. I think it's the right and only way and I'm ready to leave this world.
 
skyofAuroras

skyofAuroras

-
Apr 10, 2018
136
Unfortunately, yes I do. I say unfortunately because it's this hope that makes everything difficult. I want to be able to let go of life. But there's always something in me that wants to keep trying. I hate it because it's not a lot. I want to be either completely hopeful or hopeless. Instead I'm stuck in the middle of wanting to live and wanting to die. So yeah I do feel hope, I just don't know if I should act on it or not.
 
Temporarilyabsurd

Temporarilyabsurd

NOISE:signal
Apr 27, 2018
439
I'm rejecting the moving puzzle that I need to fit in with .
I don't like the puzzle , it is offensive , stupid , disagreeable and repulsive.

I need to change how I see the puzzle or accept certain processes that are at the moment unacceptable ...
( hypocritical expedient collaboration in the name of survival and thriving .)

I need to' want to live' , even though I see life as little more than a torture chamber , comprised of varying levels of suffering ...

Hope ?

I hope to change my entire universal view ?

I guess so .

It feels like I will either suicide or I will change so much , in order to thrive , that I will really not be who I am anymore at all. ( I like most , have survived by chameleonizing in the world ..... too much compromising only to survive , with too little authenticity for me )

serious negotiation with the concept of compromise and balance needs to ensue .

My ability to twist ideas and 'reason contorsion' is one of my worst enemies I think.
It can be interesting but it erodes all potential anchors ,
 
F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,353
I think if you are on this site you are beyond hope, but hopefully some people do find hope from this site. I would think it’s possible for some people to actually discover hope from this site because you realize how alone you are not. You hear about all the tragedies of other people’s lives and maybe u realize that you don’t have it as bad as u think in some cases.
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
638
One can't lose what they never possessed in the first place, so no. Hope sucks, anyway. It's nothing, but a tainted anchor to keep you trapped/deluded in this twisted universe of pain we all have the great misfortune of currently occupying. Fuck hope.

db448b3fc9641f89574f134cb592a4f6.jpg
 
L

licebap

Member
Jul 7, 2018
79
If you speak of true hope, the hope I had when I was still young with dreams and fantasies, well the answer is simply a resounding NO.

If you speak as in your post of being *relatively* happy, well in my personal case that could be maybe achieved with many medical aids and accepting the fact that despite being born normal, healthy and smart, now I should live for the rest of my life as sort of down-syndrome guy, as a hermit and definitely as a society reject, with only few distractions as music, games... But that is not my thing at all, so until I can reasonate, my answer remains a sounding NO and I wish myself a near and peacful death.
 
MiserableBastard1995

MiserableBastard1995

Experienced
Mar 17, 2018
291
One can't lose what they never possessed in the first place, so no. Hope sucks, anyway. It's nothing, but a tainted anchor to keep you trapped/deluded in this twisted universe of pain we all have the great misfortune of currently occupying. Fuck hope.

db448b3fc9641f89574f134cb592a4f6.jpg

Came here to say this.
 
O

okyeah

-
Jul 20, 2018
425
nah i got no hope left. I'm pretty dead inside and consider quitting my job every morning. I could write a thesis on how shitty my life is (and always has been) and why I should kill myself basically.

It's funny because going to a therapist for 2 years has made me figure out the exact reasons I want to die and how shitty my upbringing was and how trash my parents are. So I guess getting "help" has just helped me realize I need to die even more.
 
S

Ssname

Experienced
Jun 30, 2018
268
Hope for little things in the moment but not long term or about important things.
 
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M

misunderst0od

Member
Jul 22, 2018
27
nah i got no hope left. I'm pretty dead inside and consider quitting my job every morning. I could write a thesis on how shitty my life is (and always has been) and why I should kill myself basically.

It's funny because going to a therapist for 2 years has made me figure out the exact reasons I want to die and how shitty my upbringing was and how trash my parents are. So I guess getting "help" has just helped me realize I need to die even more.

I thought I was the only one. Ive been to two different therapists and both of them definitely did NOT help. Just made me realize how fucked up I am and how I lack "coping" mechanisms.
 
Jerryman

Jerryman

Member
Jul 19, 2018
93
Unfortunately, yes I do. I say unfortunately because it's this hope that makes everything difficult. I want to be able to let go of life. But there's always something in me that wants to keep trying. I hate it because it's not a lot. I want to be either completely hopeful or hopeless. Instead I'm stuck in the middle of wanting to live and wanting to die. So yeah I do feel hope, I just don't know if I should act on it or not.
That's exactly me, I'm stuck in the middle of hopeless and hopeful, I'm just treading water in pointlessness. I either want to be completely saved or it to end completely preferably with a terminal illness. Been in this stale boring middle ground for ages I'd rather the end was near. I can't see an end which is the scariest part