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savagepeonies

savagepeonies

Member
Dec 9, 2021
7
I have been seriously depressed and suffered from SI since I was probably 14. While I've dealt with the feelings of wanting to escape, the feelings of not having a positive future, the feelings of not relating to anyone/isolation, etc. I was able to deal with them without having many serious attempts by telling myself that I was going through a lot of changes hormonally and socially, and constantly reminding myself that things would be different eventually. Basically, I felt I needed to give myself that chance for things to get better so that I could make an informed decision. (spoiler alert: I'm still here preoccupied with my own death many yrs later.)

Has anyone else had this same kind of thought process and have your thoughts changed as you've gotten older? Is there an age where you can determine what is a minimum quality of life for yourself?
 
T

tieiwi

Member
Dec 11, 2021
88
The exact same thing happened to me. I thought that when I became an adult I would have more freedom and things would be different. I think my SI was really kicking in. I kept clinging onto this false hope that things would mend with time and it was just because I was young that things weren’t working out for me. That I would have more opportunities once I’m in college or something. Well now I’m old enough to do whatever I want and I haven’t achieved any of the dreams my younger self dreamt up. I haven’t started college yet either.
 
M

myopybyproxy

Experienced
Dec 18, 2021
237
Yes, because I internalised the lies that others were telling me - 'it gets better', 'it's just a phase', etc. Same as you, OP, invalidating myself because of my age - dismissed my struggle as typical adolescent angst. Eventually I realised my broken brain was here to stay.

I still do think it is a good idea to wait until being an adult, as arbitrary as that cutoff point is, if only to stay under the radar of concerned people in your life - easier to do than as a child when under their constant supervision. And of course being of age you have more opportunities for more effective methods.
 
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S

SuicidallyCurious

Elementalist
Dec 20, 2020
894
One main reason i avoided CTB when young (I wasn’t really suicidal then but it had crosssed my mind)

As time goes on truth is revealed . Will we learn the truth about 9/11? Certainly as time advanced we’ve learned the truth about many topics . So I always thought that was an encouraging reason to stay alive
 
L

Ligottian

Member
Dec 19, 2021
81
In my case, absolutely. My illusions fell away one by one. From the time I was about 28-33, (I wont go into the long details), I thought I might have turned a corner to the road of possible happiness. But it all went away, bit by very slow bit. People, circumstances,etc. Everything. I'm now 61. I think I fell into the tragic delusion that happiness is some kind of default birthright. At least I'm not homeless or hungry for the moment.
 
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Mr2005

Mr2005

Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
Sep 25, 2018
3,377
Sort of. I've wasted half my life which might be ok at 2 but at 35 is quite a long time and I don't see anything getting better from here
 
WhiteRabbit

WhiteRabbit

I'm late, i'm late. For a very important date.
Feb 12, 2019
491
I was kind of a success story for many years.

I was suicidal from 12-18. When I moved out at 18 and found a steady partner, I was happy. I finally had control over my life. Suicide went to the far back of my mind and stayed there until I got sick at 32. Now I'm 37 and barely hanging on.

So I guess things did get better for me after adolescence, but it only took a few big negative life events to bring me back to this point. So maybe I was always doomed to CTB.
 
K

kerchbabylon

Member
Sep 4, 2020
8
God…..I can’t even imagine how similar your story sounds to me. Depression at 10 and abusive alcoholic parents as I grew up. I am now 23 years old I really don’t want to be here on this planet…the people who are supposed to raise and love don’t even notice this kind of thing from the beginning.
 
Arot

Arot

I see only darkness before me
Feb 4, 2020
25
Same, when I was 16 I ran away from home because at the time I was feeling lonely (girl I liked back then choose a "friend" of mine over me and some of my other classmates bullied me because of that) and scared about my future (college and other stuff). Back then I thought that maybe I was being childish and many people feel the same way about life but they don't ran away from home like I did. That... somehow things were going to be good in a couple of years.
I'm 25 now and still feel lonely and even though I have a bachelor's degree it's pretty much worthless because all the jobs I have applied to ended in "thank you but we have chosen another candidate". I feel like I'm trapped in the same hole I was nine years ago.