P

Panda

-
Jun 25, 2018
34
As the time comes closer I find myself imagining myself in the situation I will be when I kill myself. Helped by the fact that I've attempted my method once or twice before, so I know what to expect mentally. I'm not scared of leaving forever but I just wish I could share it with somebody real and have them accept it, right until the moment I die.

It's hard to explain but in the same way I wish there was somebody I could say goodnight to before I sleep every night, I wish I had just one person that would "tuck me in".. say goodbye to me and make me feel just a tiny bit appreciated before I go to sleep for the last time.

Kinda sobbing intermittently right now I just wish I wasn't made to feel like scum for wanting to end my life, wish I didn't feel like a prisoner in reality. Even if it's the wrong decision to make in some peoples' minds, it's still my body and my decision to make and I shouldn't have to be dreadfully alone and scared because of it.

Idk. Thanks for reading anyway, feel free to add your feelings.
 
U

User

Member
Jul 9, 2018
12
I understand; it's a really lonely position to be in and the thought of dying alone is awful. It's hard enough going through life alone, never mind being rejected companionship in death as well.
It's absolute torture. People shouldn't be made to feel like scum for wanting to end things. It shows just how messed-up the world is. That someone is really suffering and can't handle being alive, and they are forced to live through it and made to feel guilty and paranoid and anxious when trying to end things. Dying is hard enough as it is without the 'life police' coming after you. It's not even about compassion, it's about control. People should not be forced to live through control. They've no right to force others to live.
 
M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,036
My final moments will not be any lonelier than the rest of my life. I was born alone, lived most of my life alone and I will die alone.

Also,

Everyone dies alone. Even people who die in plane crashes die alone. You might have 10000 people in the same place as you, dying at the same time. You are still dying alone.

(I don't mean to sound like a prick, though. Sorry if it comes off that way).
 
skyofAuroras

skyofAuroras

-
Apr 10, 2018
136
I have thought about this a lot recently. I do get what you mean. The final act is almost always done alone. With no to say goodbye to, I can imagine the loneliness. I also wish there was someone who I could tell about my plans, and who would be there to say goodbye to. Unfortunately it seems like we are all inevitably going to die alone.
 
Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,549
I also think it would be nice to die with someone, saying goodbye. I´m really afraid of being lonely at this moment, like I was my whole life

I know it’s not a consolation but you can always post here and we will wish you a good trip, a safe journey, etc.

It’s not the same as a loved one holding your hand but it’s something. And may be comforting if you choose to go this route.
 
Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,549
My final moments will not be any lonelier than the rest of my life. I was born alone, lived most of my life alone and I will die alone.

Also,

Everyone dies alone. Even people who die in plane crashes die alone. You might have 10000 people in the same place as you, dying at the same time. You are still dying alone.

(I don't mean to sound like a prick, though. Sorry if it comes off that way).

No, not everyone dies alone. Yes psychologically it is a process one must take alone but there is a reason why people want assisted sucicide, including the fact that someone albeit a stranger would be holding your hand and whispering sweet nothings in your ear as you pass.

The fact that you are posting on a suicide forum displays your inate human need to not “die alone”. People die in the arms of other humans all the damn time, even in plane crashes.

Dying alone is a philosophical construct for people without loved ones. Which is me. I have a person who cares about me but he can’t bear witness to my death nor would I ask him to for fear of legal liability nonsense.

Bearing witness to suffering as we sniff out the final flame of our life is our right but sadly the law prevents this.

Dying alone in a hotel room, in secret, hiding from the world, leaving delayed emails, and having the cops find you to only perform an “investigation”, is the very definition of dying alone.

We all don’t die “alone”. And no you weren’t born alone. Your Mom or Dad held you after birth or at least doctors and nurses. You weren’t “alone”, people cared about you.

So tired of this “born alone/die alone” discourse.
 
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J

JustDie

Member
Jun 18, 2018
48
I just imagine myself saying goodbye to someone on discord that I used to like talking to but now has lost connection because he now has a life and I don't, and then killing myself. That's all that needs to be said from me , a simple goodbye in case he remembers me and wants to say hello again, since we used to talk more but now we don't.
There isn't anyone else that I would like to say goodbye to other than him, and that's why he's the only one that'll get a goodbye. Family, I don't feel connected to them and don't interact with them, and they don't like interacting with me, and there's nothing to do. Other friends, I don't have them, they're just people that I know and talk to here and there, but they don't talk to me, it ends up me trying to talk to them and them saying lol ok. They don't value it, and they don't show that they value it, so I don't value it aswell. I don't even think they will find out that I have killed myself.

My last moments will probably be on a stool, doing the last couple of things I need to do in order to secure my phone and to make sure nobody can access the data inside. Then I will struggle to hang myself, because of survival instinct, and then hopefully I can trick myself into hanging myself or falling off of it by accident, then choke myself, struggle, then die. Not very pleasant, but fucking dead so doesn't matter.
 
Fylobatica

Fylobatica

Inactive
Apr 1, 2018
365
From womb to the tomb, everybody is lonely. Sociality is an illusion, connecting with others is all about finding the right pattern of hobbies and passions that could drive us together to a common goal. But this most of the times doesn't happen; and if it happened, it'd still be a concept kept alive by our -separate- minds.
 
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P

Panda

-
Jun 25, 2018
34
What's your chosen method panda?
Carbon monoxide baby, I would go with a drug cocktail it's not really hard to source basically any prescription meds but it's not so cheap to buy the quantities needed and then waiting by the letterbox so my family doesn't find it. Too much hassle. Carbon monoxide is a lot of hassle too but a lot less than that, just gonna take some weed, strong painkillers to help me sleep and bring smouldering charcoal in a tent. Got the day planned out pretty much fully, just need to decide on a date, finish writing my long ass note, figure out everything I want to settle beforehand etc etc.

I just imagine myself saying goodbye to someone on discord that I used to like talking to but now has lost connection because he now has a life and I don't, and then killing myself. That's all that needs to be said from me , a simple goodbye in case he remembers me and wants to say hello again, since we used to talk more but now we don't.
There isn't anyone else that I would like to say goodbye to other than him, and that's why he's the only one that'll get a goodbye. Family, I don't feel connected to them and don't interact with them, and they don't like interacting with me, and there's nothing to do. Other friends, I don't have them, they're just people that I know and talk to here and there, but they don't talk to me, it ends up me trying to talk to them and them saying lol ok. They don't value it, and they don't show that they value it, so I don't value it aswell. I don't even think they will find out that I have killed myself.

My last moments will probably be on a stool, doing the last couple of things I need to do in order to secure my phone and to make sure nobody can access the data inside. Then I will struggle to hang myself, because of survival instinct, and then hopefully I can trick myself into hanging myself or falling off of it by accident, then choke myself, struggle, then die. Not very pleasant, but fucking dead so doesn't matter.
I totally understand that feeling with your family, guess my outlook changed a little bit since I came back home, I often don't see eye to eye with my mum which gives me rlly strong feelings which I hate but still I can't bear to think of someone suffering over my death for their whole life no matter what. I want to leave with as little impact as possible and I'll go to great lengths to make it clear how I couldn't be helped etc etc.

Doesn't sound like a very fun end and I hope it doesn't end like that for you honestly, but some people have to resort to desparate measures :(
 
Revan

Revan

Darth
Jul 8, 2018
73
I've been lonely for quite some time now, so when I imagine my last moments, I don't think about the loneliness of the situation. I start thinking about what my life could have been if I didn't have mental illness and had made better choices. Would I still want to CTB? Suicide does have a genetic component to it, but circumstance is also a component. Though I guess I'll never know if things could have been different as for I can't time travel, so I then start thinking about how meaningless everything is.
 
M

millennial

Member
Jul 12, 2018
13
I've never thought like this for some reason. Maybe it's because I've been alone for so long so I can't fathom the positive feedback of social interaction. Strange
 
Numbtopain97

Numbtopain97

deader than dead
Aug 10, 2019
435
You are going to die alone anyways. Regardless of all the people surrounding you then. That's a walk you will have to make on your own .
 
T

TimeToBiteTheDust

-
Nov 7, 2019
2,329
Yes. I imagine myself in the kitchen preparing my SN to drink. Listening to good music.
 
FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,792
All the time. One of the challenges i have to get over to act...
 
blivogade

blivogade

Member
Nov 7, 2019
88
Well my ideal last moments would be feeling spacey from some benzos listening to a nice song with my head in the noose watching the sunset before i ctb but unfortunately i really doubt itd be as peaceful as i imagine, knowing my luck id somehow mess up my method and spend my last few minutes cold and alone whilst i slowly suffocate in pain... maybe im just being negative, or maybe im being a realist... who knows.
 
mesohappy

mesohappy

Cat piss sammich??
Jan 10, 2020
675
Think about it all the time..Its scary and cold,hollow feeling being alone.I feel Ive gotten used to it now.
 
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P

Pan

Paragon
Oct 24, 2019
914
Yes. Because. Death is that trip we all take alone.
 
Zoltiel

Zoltiel

We're asleep in life's waiting room
Jan 7, 2020
164
I don't think it will make any difference to me I've been lonely forever. It would make sense for me to do it alone actually.
 
Farmmaa

Farmmaa

-
Dec 4, 2019
343
I've been alone for 10 years now - except for the constant companionship of my pup.
I was never lonely until I lost her this fall.

I'm not sad about dying alone. It's the way I want it
 
BlueWidow

BlueWidow

Visionary
Oct 6, 2019
2,179
I’m going to try to focus on the release from my body and where I’m going, imagining myself flying free to whatever is next (nothingness/afterlife/something else- doesn’t matter where) and trying to think the happiest thoughts that I can. I’m not really concerned with dying alone, I just don’t want to die with negative or sad thoughts in my head because I don’t see my death as a tragedy. It’s going to be a release, a relief. . . there’s no reason to feel sad about it.
 
WhyIsLife56

WhyIsLife56

Antinatalism + Efilism ❤️
Nov 4, 2019
1,075
I’m going to try to focus on the release from my body and where I’m going, imagining myself flying free to whatever is next (nothingness/afterlife/something else- doesn’t matter where) and trying to think the happiest thoughts that I can. I’m not really concerned with dying alone, I just don’t want to die with negative or sad thoughts in my head because I don’t see my death as a tragedy. It’s going to be a release, a relief. . . there’s no reason to feel sad about it.
Life is the tragedy. Death isn't.
 
T

toomuchgrief

a grieving mother
Sep 15, 2019
401
lonely? LOLLLL I fucking hope nobody would be near me when I CTB, because I will be using a tactical shotgun with slug to blow my head off. And who the heck would want to be near me when I'm holding a tactical shotgun loaded and rack ready to fire?
Lonely is the last thing I give a shit about, just want all the pain to end and achieve nothingness.
 
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Lils

Lils

Doneliving
Jan 11, 2020
7
As the time comes closer I find myself imagining myself in the situation I will be when I kill myself. Helped by the fact that I've attempted my method once or twice before, so I know what to expect mentally. I'm not scared of leaving forever but I just wish I could share it with somebody real and have them accept it, right until the moment I die.

It's hard to explain but in the same way I wish there was somebody I could say goodnight to before I sleep every night, I wish I had just one person that would "tuck me in".. say goodbye to me and make me feel just a tiny bit appreciated before I go to sleep for the last time.

Kinda sobbing intermittently right now I just wish I wasn't made to feel like scum for wanting to end my life, wish I didn't feel like a prisoner in reality. Even if it's the wrong decision to make in some peoples' minds, it's still my body and my decision to make and I shouldn't have to be dreadfully alone and scared because of it.

Idk. Thanks for reading anyway, feel free to add your feelings.
why not find a partner who also wants to exit? why be alone in your last moment when someone can be there and u ca hold each others hand
 
N

nonamegirl

Student
Jan 6, 2020
182
lonely? LOLLLL I fucking hope nobody would be near me when I CTB, because I will be using a tactical shotgun with slug to blow my head off. And who the heck would want to be near me when I'm holding a tactical shotgun loaded and rack ready to fire?
Lonely is the last thing I give a shit about, just want all the pain to end and achieve nothingness.

This is an interesting thing which have been presented several times here. I have thought about it too. I think I could easier go through with it, if I had a "buddy" there. I think I could even go through an SN ctb then, even though I usually am opposed to that, but It's easier managing pain with somebody by your side.

Actaully I think dying alone is another big hurdle for me. I am very lonely in life, and I just can't accept that I am also go into death like that + the loneliness is 10 times worse when you are trying to ctb alone. I made a half assed attempt a couple years ago and oh my, the loneliness was beyond excruciating, nothing like the loneliness I am used to in everyday life.
 
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ShaneAuclair19

ShaneAuclair19

Time is Of No Essence
Jan 4, 2020
2
I could not agree more with your sentiment regarding being alone. I asked my family if they would do EXIT with me in Switzerland and that was an adamant no. Bleeding out in a cemetery by myself isn’t exactly the way I want to go. Thinking of bringing my Doberman with me.