DeadMemories

DeadMemories

We are playing a game, and the game runs like this
Mar 27, 2018
9
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I finally find someone I enjoy talking to and I manage to push them away, then I look back and realise what a stupid wanker I've been.

I keep hoping that someone might be able to give me a reason to stay alive for a little while longer but I'm getting so tired of doing this, of being alone.
 
Z

zach

Member
Jul 22, 2018
79
dude I just pushed my wife away. the one thing in life that actually made me want to live and succeed. the only person who put up with my shit. and even then I fucked it up and pushed her away. she left me a week ago. hasn't said one word to me sense. its so defeating. I fuck up everything I love. time and time again. I broke her. because im broken. I didn't even mean to. just depression and anger and anxiety and no confidence and bam. the love of your life gone. life fucking sucks.
 
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comfortablydumb

-
Jun 19, 2018
148
Of course. Most people on here push people away in one way or another.

Borderline personality disorder is one of the highest risk factors for suicide, and a large segment of the people on here profess to have been diagnosed with it, or exhibit the traits. One of the big things with BPD is to push people away before they reject you.

Also, depression tends to manifest in ways that push people away. Not so actively, but social bonds need maintenance, and depression makes sufferers neglect that maintenance.

Considering how incredibly salient borderline personality disorder is in terms of suicide and this forum, and how you say you look back on your behaviour and realise it's unreasonable, maybe you should utilize the mental health resources available to you and see if you fit the bill? There's no known cure for personality disorders, but if you happen to have it and find out about it, then maybe it'll help you make sense of your world and work on a path to mitigating and managing.
 
F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,353
I think I have BPD although it’s less destructive towards others and more destructive to myself mostly. I used to be more destructive to others b4 I was aware of my disorder and had more difficulty controlling my behaviors in my 20’s especially. I don’t have what I would consider the most extreme version of this disorder. I have a friend who is an extreme case, she’s very loud and like a bully. She starts drama and blows things way out of proportion. It’s difficult to be around her sometimes bc she cannot control the outbursts of rage. One of her small dogs goes to hide in closet when she starts being loud and nasty. Considering her disorder she manages keep her husband around somehow but it’s constant fighting and often he leaves the house to get away. I really push people away, have never had a relationship that was healthy. There’s a Jordan Peterson video on BPD and I can really relate to the symptoms he describes. When he explains that u can do everything except visualize and implement solutions to problems. I have terrible working memory. I often feel like a common problem that I have dealt with b4 feels like I have to reinvent the wheel to solve it even though I’ve solved this problem b4 lol!
 
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F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,353
the problems you have living with borderline personality disorder.
 
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Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,549
Of course. Most people on here push people away in one way or another.

Borderline personality disorder is one of the highest risk factors for suicide, and a large segment of the people on here profess to have been diagnosed with it, or exhibit the traits. One of the big things with BPD is to push people away before they reject you.

Also, depression tends to manifest in ways that push people away. Not so actively, but social bonds need maintenance, and depression makes sufferers neglect that maintenance.

Considering how incredibly salient borderline personality disorder is in terms of suicide and this forum, and how you say you look back on your behaviour and realise it's unreasonable, maybe you should utilize the mental health resources available to you and see if you fit the bill? There's no known cure for personality disorders, but if you happen to have it and find out about it, then maybe it'll help you make sense of your world and work on a path to mitigating and managing.

Has it ever occurred to any mental health professional that BPD is the direct result of abuse and trauma suffered early in life?

Is it my fault I was dealt a really bad hand in the form of a dead father, a narcissistic mom, and an abusive brother? And that all my family cared about were appearances and achievement?

Who wouldn’t get BPD in this “family” environment, let alone this “social” one. I’ve met many “successful” people who are married and outwardly mentally “well” but they are cruel human beings. Some of them are now serving at the highest levels in the government (an uncle, a HS bully).

At this point I’m proud I don’t fit into this glass menagerie of misfit toys.
 
F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,353
Has it ever occurred to any mental health professional that BPD is the direct result of abuse and trauma suffered early in life?

Is it my fault I was dealt a really bad hand in the form of a dead father, a narcissistic mom, and an abusive brother? And that all my family cared about were appearances and achievement?

Who wouldn’t get BPD in this “family” environment, let alone this “social” one. I’ve met many “successful” people who are married and outwardly mentally “well” but they are cruel human beings. Some of them are now serving at the highest levels in the government (an uncle, a HS bully).

At this point I’m proud I don’t fit into this glass menagerie of misfit toys.
Right the most evil people seem outwardly the most normal and get into gov positions to continue the abuse on the rest of the population lol!
 
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C

comfortablydumb

-
Jun 19, 2018
148
Has it ever occurred to any mental health professional that BPD is the direct result of abuse and trauma suffered early in life?

Obviously. I guarantee you that if you look it up, there will be plenty of academic research that suggests that abuse and trauma in early life may contribute to BPD. There will be no serious mental health professional who says that BPD is the direct result of abuse and trauma in early life, because that's not how reality and science works.

Epigenetics. We all have genetic propensities, and these are triggered by environmental factors. For better and worse. All great geniuses had a lot of pampering and facilitation in their youth, and most great monsters had bad upbringings.

Is it my fault I was dealt a really bad hand in the form of a dead father, a narcissistic mom, and an abusive brother? And that all my family cared about were appearances and achievement?

No, that's not your fault.

Who wouldn’t get BPD in this “family” environment, let alone this “social” one.

Those without the genetic propensity for it.

I’ve met many “successful” people who are married and outwardly mentally “well” but they are cruel human beings. Some of them are now serving at the highest levels in the government (an uncle, a HS bully).

Absolutely. The US president is a living example of this. But generally speaking, if one is a callous person, one is less prone to worry and to suffer. Worrying and suffering takes away from one's ability to "climb up the greasy pole".

At this point I’m proud I don’t fit into this glass menagerie of misfit toys.

I assume that you have been diagnosed with BPD, or suspect yourself of having it. In any case, it's not your fault that you have it. You just have to find a way to live with it. Or not.
 
Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,549
Obviously. I guarantee you that if you look it up, there will be plenty of academic research that suggests that abuse and trauma in early life may contribute to BPD. There will be no serious mental health professional who says that BPD is the direct result of abuse and trauma in early life, because that's not how reality and science works.

Epigenetics. We all have genetic propensities, and these are triggered by environmental factors. For better and worse. All great geniuses had a lot of pampering and facilitation in their youth, and most great monsters had bad upbringings.



No, that's not your fault.



Those without the genetic propensity for it.



Absolutely. The US president is a living example of this. But generally speaking, if one is a callous person, one is less prone to worry and to suffer. Worrying and suffering takes away from one's ability to "climb up the greasy pole".



I assume that you have been diagnosed with BPD, or suspect yourself of having it. In any case, it's not your fault that you have it. You just have to find a way to live with it. Or not.


Gabor Mate. He’s a “serious mental health professional” lol and would disagree with most of what you said except perhaps your comments about epigenetics.

And no I haven’t been diagnosed with BPD nor do I suspect I have it. I actually don’t think it exists; would prefer to classify myself as maladjusted and the victim of unfortunate life circumstances in early life and beyond.

I take responsibility now for ending this charade.

Are you a “mental health professional”?
 
L

Life sucks

Enlightened
Apr 18, 2018
1,871
Many people pushed me away in life and hurt me like hell, I've suffered much because of them. I think its my turn to push everyone and be completely isolated hikikomori before I ctb. I don't mean to hurt anyone but by pushing I make them be hurt less and I get hurt less also.
 
Dead_Inside

Dead_Inside

Wizard
Jul 2, 2018
625
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I finally find someone I enjoy talking to and I manage to push them away, then I look back and realise what a stupid wanker I've been.

I keep hoping that someone might be able to give me a reason to stay alive for a little while longer but I'm getting so tired of doing this, of being alone.
All the time .... I just test them. Be a fucking ass and see if they will stay. Because I am so messed up.
But I don’t really want them to leave me ... I know they can’t fix me but .... I don’t want to just be left like this.
But they don’t deserve to have someone be fucking ass when all they did was try to help.
 
Z

zach

Member
Jul 22, 2018
79
dude.
All the time .... I just test them. Be a fucking ass and see if they will stay. Because I am so messed up.
But I don’t really want them to leave me ... I know they can’t fix me but .... I don’t want to just be left like this.
But they don’t deserve to have someone be fucking ass when all they did was try to help.
dude yup
 
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Dead_Inside

Dead_Inside

Wizard
Jul 2, 2018
625
That is textbook borderline personality disorder.

Really?.... But I am aware of what I am doing.
Just had a shit childhood and it makes me paranoid about people’s intentions and I am unsure how to really trust ...
it’s probably just getting beat too much as a kid that makes me test people like that ...
 
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Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,549
Really?.... But I am aware of what I am doing.
Just had a shit childhood and it makes me paranoid about people’s intentions and I am unsure how to really trust ...
it’s probably just getting beat too much as a kid that makes me test people like that ...


Comforablydumb seems to have severe misperceptions and misconceptions about all of this, and seems biased for psychiatry and its medical model.

Recommend reading Gabor Mate. He also has videos on YouTube (interviews, talks etc.)

Don’t beat yourself up. You deserved a happy life and still do, whatever you decide.
 
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comfortablydumb

-
Jun 19, 2018
148
Really?.... But I am aware of what I am doing.

So what? Being aware of what one is doing doesn't affect the why of doing it.

Just had a shit childhood and it makes me paranoid about people’s intentions and I am unsure how to really trust ...
it’s probably just getting beat too much as a kid that makes me test people like that ...

That's terrible. Do you have access to mental health professionals? "Testing" people makes perfect common sense with a history like that. Maybe you do have BPD, maybe you don't. Regardless, the "testing" of people is textbook for that disorder.
 
Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,549
So what? Being aware of what one is doing doesn't affect the why of doing it.



That's terrible. Do you have access to mental health professionals? "Testing" people makes perfect common sense with a history like that. Maybe you do have BPD, maybe you don't. Regardless, the "testing" of people is textbook for that disorder.


Mental health “professionals” will not necessarily help and might even make this worse for this poor person whom you are diagnosing online.

I beg you to stop.
 
Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,549
Calm down.

I won’t “calm down”. I think your behavior is abusive, paternalistic and self serving.

So, no, I won’t “calm down”.

We don’t need a resident psychologist here, you aren’t helping.

Please stop.
 
Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,549
It’s completely inappropriate for you to make rapid snap decisions about someone who posted here a couple times.

I don’t care what your definition of “classic “ or “textbook” is, the fact that they posted about offing themselves TONIGHT and you double down with “BPD” and “have you spoke to a professional”?!

Might be better off private messaging this person vs diagnosing them on a public forum with zero basis.
 
Dead_Inside

Dead_Inside

Wizard
Jul 2, 2018
625
So what? Being aware of what one is doing doesn't affect the why of doing it.



That's terrible. Do you have access to mental health professionals? "Testing" people makes perfect common sense with a history like that. Maybe you do have BPD, maybe you don't. Regardless, the "testing" of people is textbook for that disorder.
I don’t have access to anyone... no job and no money to spend on people who wouldn’t care anyway... but I am not crazy ... I mean I have some issues but I am not hurting people or something ... I just have trouble trusting those around me. I don’t think that is too weird ... I mean fuck at least I know I fucking suck enough to leave this place.
 
V

Vvoiid

Member
Jul 18, 2018
65
Yes, I do it all the time, but I have valid reasons for that. It makes things a lot easier to handle. Especially in regards to my suicide.
 
Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
513
Yep. Done it a hundred times to everyone who is getting close to me, or are being too nosy. The only time that I regret (my first regret so far which does not really appeal to me at the moment) doing so is when I pushed that pro-lifer who didn't mind my past, or who I am in the eyes of everyone. She just barged in and said that we do not differ at all (aside from me being suicidal and her being a pro-lifer and a pious one). And yet I pushed her away because I am already poisoning her.
 
ultraviolet sin

ultraviolet sin

RUDEBOY
Jul 17, 2018
93
Yes, I do it all the time, but I have valid reasons for that. It makes things a lot easier to handle. Especially in regards to my suicide.

Yep. Especially if I’m trying to spend a few days not being a raging BPD ass, in my experience, I distance from the trigger.

Seems impossible to bury the hatchet when you’re so far from control sometimes. Idk fam.
 
DeadMemories

DeadMemories

We are playing a game, and the game runs like this
Mar 27, 2018
9
All the time .... I just test them. Be a fucking ass and see if they will stay. Because I am so messed up.
But I don’t really want them to leave me ... I know they can’t fix me but .... I don’t want to just be left like this.
But they don’t deserve to have someone be fucking ass when all they did was try to help.

This is exactly what I do, I just test people and push them away so at least they know what a bullet they've dodged.
 
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