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M

midastic

Student
Sep 1, 2018
139
For me, OCD, paranoia, and guilt are big reasons why I want to CTB. It is so unbearable that I don't think that a therapist could fix it. I always feel guilty for anything I have done in the past including as something as back as 6 years old. I have something that's basically what I would like to term it, "Law OCD". For example, If I do something that is questionable to me, I get thoughts whether if I just did something illegal or not and then I start going obsessive with those thoughts where I would feel paranoia/anxiety as well as guilt which leads me act on my compulsions to go research my actions on the internet or do something else stupid which also creates guilt and anxiety within me. It also applies to social and other situations too whenever I felt like I have done something stupid against someone. But it gets really bad when these situations and thoughts torments me for months or even years and I face a ton of paranoia/anxiety and fear for simple actions that I felt are reasonable to feel guilty for. It also distorts my memory as well in a negative way when I revisit that thought. Sometimes I often worry that I might do something bad because I will act on my negative thoughts. Of course, pro lifers will tell me to forget about it since it's the past and that its not what defines me anymore or they will tell me to wait out till those fears and anxiety becomes real. It may be the past, but it still is part of me forever and I certainly don't want to deal with my fears and anxieties (especially with the stress I deal from school) if they become real and even if they won't become real, I will most likely have to deal with them along with the guilt for the rest of my life.

But I would like to hear from anyone else in this forum that may also face these similar issues. You can also PM me if you want to hear a full story. Posting in this forum alone gives me anxiety over what can happen to me but since I am planning on CTB soon, I guess it sort of overcomes this anxiety.
 
SnowyDreams

SnowyDreams

Member
Aug 25, 2018
79
I can relate to what you're saying in a way, but my case is definitely milder, though it still gives me a hard time. Some days I can't even go out because I feel that everyone is judging me (and to be honest I always think that I couldn't care less about what strangers think, but apparently I do care...), and I overanalize every interaction, including just meeting eyes with someone by accident, and those thoughts don't leave me alone no matter what I do. I also feel guilty for things I have done and said before, even in my childhood, and I'm almost 30. My biggest obsessions, however, are related to cleanliness. I think about all day and can't get over the idea that I'm always dirty no matter how much I scrub, but I still wash myself all the time, and change clothes frequently if I think it touched something it shouldn't. It's hard and frustrating because if you tell someone they just give you a funny look and say oh just don't think about it, don't worry so much.
I know people just tell you to forget it but they don't get it, that it doesn't really work like that. I think a good therapist could be able to help, but I've been four therapists and only one of them was kind of helpful, yet still she just listened and said we would work through it, but I didn't feel any improvements after five months. So I don't know. It's also hard to get a good therapist. And I understand that sometimes you don't have any energy to search for one. But if you can, maybe give it a shot. Otherwise, do what you feel is right for you. That's all the advice I can give, sorry.
 
S

Snee

Student
Aug 3, 2018
135
I can relate to what you're saying in a way, but my case is definitely milder, though it still gives me a hard time. Some days I can't even go out because I feel that everyone is judging me (and to be honest I always think that I couldn't care less about what strangers think, but apparently I do care...), and I overanalize every interaction, including just meeting eyes with someone by accident, and those thoughts don't leave me alone no matter what I do. I also feel guilty for things I have done and said before, even in my childhood, and I'm almost 30. My biggest obsessions, however, are related to cleanliness. I think about all day and can't get over the idea that I'm always dirty no matter how much I scrub, but I still wash myself all the time, and change clothes frequently if I think it touched something it shouldn't. It's hard and frustrating because if you tell someone they just give you a funny look and say oh just don't think about it, don't worry so much.
I know people just tell you to forget it but they don't get it, that it doesn't really work like that. I think a good therapist could be able to help, but I've been four therapists and only one of them was kind of helpful, yet still she just listened and said we would work through it, but I didn't feel any improvements after five months. So I don't know. It's also hard to get a good therapist. And I understand that sometimes you don't have any energy to search for one. But if you can, maybe give it a shot. Otherwise, do what you feel is right for you. That's all the advice I can give, sorry.
we are in the same boat.
 
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S

Snee

Student
Aug 3, 2018
135
For me, OCD, paranoia, and guilt are big reasons why I want to CTB. It is so unbearable that I don't think that a therapist could fix it. I always feel guilty for anything I have done in the past including as something as back as 6 years old. I have something that's basically what I would like to term it, "Law OCD". For example, If I do something that is questionable to me, I get thoughts whether if I just did something illegal or not and then I start going obsessive with those thoughts where I would feel paranoia/anxiety as well as guilt which leads me act on my compulsions to go research my actions on the internet or do something else stupid which also creates guilt and anxiety within me. It also applies to social and other situations too whenever I felt like I have done something stupid against someone. But it gets really bad when these situations and thoughts torments me for months or even years and I face a ton of paranoia/anxiety and fear for simple actions that I felt are reasonable to feel guilty for. It also distorts my memory as well in a negative way when I revisit that thought. Sometimes I often worry that I might do something bad because I will act on my negative thoughts. Of course, pro lifers will tell me to forget about it since it's the past and that its not what defines me anymore or they will tell me to wait out till those fears and anxiety becomes real. It may be the past, but it still is part of me forever and I certainly don't want to deal with my fears and anxieties (especially with the stress I deal from school) if they become real and even if they won't become real, I will most likely have to deal with them along with the guilt for the rest of my life.

But I would like to hear from anyone else in this forum that may also face these similar issues. You can also PM me if you want to hear a full story. Posting in this forum alone gives me anxiety over what can happen to me but since I am planning on CTB soon, I guess it sort of overcomes this anxiety.
do you have depression?you need to teach your mind to control your thoughts. it will take time.
 
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M

midastic

Student
Sep 1, 2018
139
do you have depression?you need to teach your mind to control your thoughts. it will take time.
Yeah I also have depression mainly due to the ton of moving I had to go through as a kid, some years I was at three elementary schools each year. My family was economically poor. But I think OCD, along with the guilt and anxiety are my main factors for wanting to CTB. It worsened last month after some action I did last month (I would rather discuss it through DMs).
 
Slacker

Slacker

⋔⊬ ☌⍜⎅, ⟟⏁´⌇ ⎎⎍⌰⌰ ⍜⎎ ⌿⍜⌰⟟☊⟒
Aug 17, 2018
298
What is OCD?
 
D

Deleted member 1465

_
Jul 31, 2018
6,925
I have had OCD all my life, never diagnosed though. Hid it well. I think other people would say I'm paranoid, but I can't help but feel I'm right. And guilt, yes. I feel that I should have been stronger and faced and overcome my issues. I couldn't, so I asked for help, but the help made it worse so now I don't trust anyone, especially doctors.
 
FadedMemory

FadedMemory

Student
Aug 5, 2018
134
Yes I constantly feel guilt and paranoia. I don't think I can manage one more year of this bullshit, I might ctb sooner.
 
M

midastic

Student
Sep 1, 2018
139
I have had OCD all my life, never diagnosed though. Hid it well. I think other people would say I'm paranoid, but I can't help but feel I'm right. And guilt, yes. I feel that I should have been stronger and faced and overcome my issues. I couldn't, so I asked for help, but the help made it worse so now I don't trust anyone, especially doctors.

I can understand you, I always have fear/anxiety and guilt and it is just unbearable. I feel like I already fucked up my life which is why I would want to CTB even if I get those problems fixed.
 
Deutsch

Deutsch

Member
Aug 20, 2018
98
i know you say you think psych can't fix it, but why not just try, they have some useful tricks like CBT, maybe it work, who knows
 
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FadedMemory

FadedMemory

Student
Aug 5, 2018
134
Hey, I can relate to you, if you ever want to talk to me feel free.
Hey thank you so much for the kind reply, I really appreciate it. I never shared the entire thing on the forum because despite the low chances I'm still paranoid that someone might recognize me here. I'm okay with sharing it on PM, cause I'm curious whether my situation is a good enough reason for ctb, but at the same time I know you have enough problems of your own and I don't wanna be a burden. Though I'm open if anyone needs to rant.
 
M

midastic

Student
Sep 1, 2018
139
Hey thank you so much for the kind reply, I really appreciate it. I never shared the entire thing on the forum because despite the low chances I'm still paranoid that someone might recognize me here. I'm okay with sharing it on PM, cause I'm curious whether my situation is a good enough reason for ctb, but at the same time I know you have enough problems of your own and I don't wanna be a burden. Though I'm open if anyone needs to rant.

No problem, and don't feel like it is a burden to me. It actually helps me too sometimes when I get to hear other people's problems because I can usually relate to them.

i know you say you think psych can't fix it, but why not just try, they have some useful tricks like CBT, maybe it work, who knows

Not everyone can afford psych and there is no guarantee that psych works either. I'm underage and I reached the limit of tolerating anymore suffering.
 
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