Raskolnikov's Axe

Raskolnikov's Axe

Member
Aug 31, 2022
60
Only for certain things. I used to play piano when I was a kid but I was lazy and non committed. I wish I took it seriously back then because I have the wish to play some pieces now but just lack the skill to make it sound half decent. Every time I see a video of a talented pianist my heart hurts. This is the first time I ever wrote this out and it feels kinda liberating.
 
hamvil

hamvil

Mage
Aug 29, 2022
500
I ruminate a lot about past events. I play them in my head over and over again. I run "what if..." scenarios all the time. I go to bed and star imagining how my life would be if I changed this or that. I tend to do the same about future situations, trying to predict how people would react, then come with a counter argument. I typically fail at these prediction because I have no idea how people react. I would love if there was a way to selectivelly delete past memories or events. I pisses me off that I have a very bad memory, cannot recall dates or cannot even put events in the right sequence, but I remember pretty well some events of my life.
 
B

blacknwhitedreams

New Member
Jan 27, 2022
4
I ruminate a lot about past events. I play them in my head over and over again. I run "what if..." scenarios all the time. I go to bed and star imagining how my life would be if I changed this or that. I tend to do the same about future situations, trying to predict how people would react, then come with a counter argument. I typically fail at these prediction because I have no idea how people react. I would love if there was a way to selectivelly delete past memories or events. I pisses me off that I have a very bad memory, cannot recall dates or cannot even put events in the right sequence, but I remember pretty well some events of my life.

I struggle with this type of "daydreaming" Always did. Recently I am getting annoyed by this. Initially it was escape. But now realize it was always hollow and consuming. Can't do much about it. I feel incapable of change. Have been trying to change officially for more than past 10 years. Still am just as clueless and out of control.
 
Dead Ghost

Dead Ghost

Mestre del Temps
May 6, 2022
572
I would like to regain my freedom to go wherever I want, I have vertigo, before I really liked to walk around the city (kicking I say).
I would also like to be able to go out of the house more often and not suffer if I get caught in one of my outbursts, to be able to control my anger better.
I would like to be able to eat like other people without the food hurting me. To go to a restaurant or a bar.
I would like to have touched the hand of the person I met last June. And look into her eyes (they must be very pretty).
I wish I could see again well enough to draw again.
I wish I could go to the beach and get my feet wet, not be bothered by the sun and be able to walk on top of the sand without losing my balance. And swim...
To be able to work...
To be able to go to a museum...
I would also like to be able to laugh without feeling faint or losing my strength as soon as I make the gesture of laughing.
I would like to sleep without waking up every now and then.
And to watch movies in a row. And to be able to read a novel without the same character often changing appearance and voice. And to be able to read a novel at a determined and fixed pace, that I don't make a mistake by reading faster than I should or so slowly that I almost stop the narration... and that the volume of the characters' voices doesn't drop or get too loud.
I would like to be able to buy a bicycle and ride it without falling off (I have vertigo).
I would like to go to the cinema (even if it's packed to the rafters).
I would like to be able to understand social language and use it appropriately when necessary.
I would like to be able to talk to other people without attracting attention because of who I am.
I would like to be able to play video games longer without getting sick. Or board games, I would like to be able to play chess without getting a headache or anxiety.
And I would like to have more studies... and to know many languages... and to know how to program, to make music...
I would like to go with Skate...

I would like to be able to talk to her again, tell her how sorry I am for having behaved so badly and maybe walk beside her for a while (walking without a cane I mean).

//

M'agradaría recuperar la meva llibertat per anar on vulgui, tinc vertígens, abans m'agradava molt caminar per la ciutat (patejar que dic jo).
També m'agradaría poder sortir més sovint de casa i no patir per si m'agafa una embranzida de les meves, poder controlar millor els meus estats d'ira.
M'agradaría poder menjar com les altres persones sense que el menjar em fes mal. Anar a un restaurant o un bar.
M'agradaría haver poder tocat la mà de la persona amb la qual vaig quedar al juny passat. I mirar-la als ulls (deuen ser molt macos).
M'agradaría poder tornar a veure bé per dibuixar altre cop.
Voldría poder anar a la platja i mullar-me els peus, que no em molestés el sol i que pogués caminar per sobre la sorra sense perdre l'equilibri. I nedar i tot...
Poder treballar...
Poder anar a un museu...
També m'agradaría poder riure de valent sense tenir sensació de desmai ni que em defalleixen les forces tant bon punt faig el gest de riure.
M'agradaría dormir sense anar-me despertant cada dos per tres.
I veure pel·lícules seguides. I poder llegir una novela sense que un mateix personatge vagi canviant sovint d'aspecte i de veu. I poder llegir una novela a un ritme determinat i fixe, que no m'equivoqui llegint mes depresa del que toca o tan a poc a poc que gairebé paro la narració... i que no baixi el volum de la veu dels personatges ni sigui massa alt.
Voldría poder comprar-me una bicicleta i poder fer-la servir sense caure'm (tinc vertígens).
Voldría anar al cinema (encara que sigui ple de gom a gom).
Voldría poder entendre el llenguatge social i usar-lo de forma adeqüada quan calgui.
Poder parlar amb d'altres persones sense cridar l'atenció per ser com sóc.
Voldría poder a videojocs més estona sense que m'agafés malestar. O jocs de taula, voldría poder jugar als escacs sense que m'agafés mal de cap o ansietat.
I m'agradaría tener mes estudis... i saber molts idiomes... i saber programar, fer música...
Voldría anar amb Skate...

Voldría poder tornar a parlar amb ella, dir-li com sento haber-me comportat tan malament i potser caminar al seu costat una estona (caminar sense bastó vull dir).
 
X

x_riverrock11

Visionary
Jan 24, 2021
2,077
Yes, especially when faced with the negative consequences of being unskilled. My job is in retail. It doesn’t mean much to me and is just a way to pay the bills, but I felt bad when I had to turn down a promotion because I knew I wouldn’t handle it well. There is a limit to how much customer BS I can take. I do not keep a cool head when somebody insults me to my face.

My writing also frustrates me. I don’t seem to know how to write compelling fiction anymore. My prose is extremely stale. I don’t appreciate “purple prose” that goes overboard with metaphors and vivid descriptions of unnecessary story elements, but I do wish my prose had some poetic life to it. It is now matter-of-fact and very sparse. The writers whose prose I admire generally write nothing like I do. I am trying to find writers I can emulate to take advantage of my strengths. Thinking about picking up a Charles Bukowski book to study. I have read his poetry, and he is a master of doing a lot with very little.

There are some skills I have which I accept purely as hobbies, and those are my favorite because of the lack of pressure. I accepted long ago when learning to play an instrument that I am not very musically talented as far as technical performance goes. My ear is merely average in regards to pitch and rhythm. However, I do shine when it comes to timbre, articulation, dynamics, and any other aspect that matters for style and injecting emotion into a musical line. I am also decent at analyzing which parts of a piece set its mood and direction, which lends itself to enhancing those elements myself when playing the music on an instrument.
 
J

je.suis.prêt

Jag förstår inte :s
Jul 9, 2022
22
Me too. What also frustrates me is the fact that there are so many things I want to be able to do, so even if I felt remotely capable, I would get overwhelmed by having so much to do.

But I think that sometimes we like the idea of doing something, but don't really want to go through with it. However, being depressed/living with anhedonia renders this distinction hard to make.
 
volnaya_pesnya

volnaya_pesnya

Member
Oct 16, 2021
16
I spend large amounts of time torturing myself about things I don't have the skill to do. I'm so useless. It frustrates me so much
rumination is an absolute curse to anyone unfortunate enough to be plagued with it. as i understand it, your best options are more professional help or SSRIs. i suffer from the same exact thing and know what you're going through and am absolutely stuck in this pit as well. best thing i guess is to try to look for some guidance, for a lot of people this thing is beyond self-help. good luck friend.
 
Lost in a Dream

Lost in a Dream

Enlightened
Feb 22, 2020
1,112
I ruminate a lot about past events. I play them in my head over and over again. I run "what if..." scenarios all the time. I go to bed and star imagining how my life would be if I changed this or that. I tend to do the same about future situations, trying to predict how people would react, then come with a counter argument. I typically fail at these prediction because I have no idea how people react. I would love if there was a way to selectivelly delete past memories or events. I pisses me off that I have a very bad memory, cannot recall dates or cannot even put events in the right sequence, but I remember pretty well some events of my life.

I do that same thing. If only it were possible for us to go back and change those things, even if we only got one more chance to do it, and keep the memories we currently have, so we can relive the good moments and avoid the bad ones whenever possible. More people might be able to recover on here if we could.

I spend large amounts of time torturing myself about things I don't have the skill to do. I'm so useless. It frustrates me so much

I feel that way too about a lot of things that I can't currently do. Maybe if I had learned those important skills at a time when I had the motivation to learn something, while also having more interest in things I didn't want to do before, I could've done something valuable with my life. Hopefully it isn't too late for you to learn something that will help you feel more useful. Feeling useless is one of the worst feelings there is and I'm sorry you're experiencing it now.
 
J

Jimblue

Student
Sep 10, 2022
184
I have that feeling too.
But I always telling myself. I can not choose been abused, but I can choose never abuse anyone.

I can not choose people stab on my back, but I can choose never stab anyone’s back.

I can not choose people saying I am ugly. But I can choose telling people they are beautiful.
 
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SunshineAndSuicide

SunshineAndSuicide

Sunshine is what's keeping me alive
Aug 24, 2022
64
I spend large amounts of time torturing myself about things I don't have the skill to do. I'm so useless. It frustrates me so much
I do this all the time. Waste time with thinking about how I could have achieved sooo many things in life and became really successful if depression and lack of support and guidance hadn't fucked it all up for me
 
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StolenLife

StolenLife

Student
Sep 19, 2022
154
I ruminate a lot about past events. I play them in my head over and over again. I run "what if..." scenarios all the time. I go to bed and star imagining how my life would be if I changed this or that. I tend to do the same about future situations, trying to predict how people would react, then come with a counter argument. I typically fail at these prediction because I have no idea how people react. I would love if there was a way to selectivelly delete past memories or events. I pisses me off that I have a very bad memory, cannot recall dates or cannot even put events in the right sequence, but I remember pretty well some events of my life.
This is what I do every day, my first thoughts when I wake up and last thoughts before I go to sleep. I have this dumb fantasy of acquiring a time machine somehow and changing everything that went wrong, or at least warning my younger self so that she can branch out a new happier timeline while mine gets obliviated along with myself.
 
M

makethepainstop

Wizard
Sep 16, 2022
656
My thoughts everyday, "How the hell could I have been so stupid?"