bpdteacher

bpdteacher

Member
Mar 7, 2020
30
Hi, this is my first post after lurking for a while. I wanted to start by thanking this community for existing. It's really reassuring to have such an open and friendly forum to browse and seek advice and guidance on. For context, I'm a thirty-something year old secondary school teacher living in the UK. I have been diagnosed with BPD and 'aspergers' for around five years. I've taken all the anti-depressants and other meds the doctors offer me and attend my mental health appointments like a good soldier, but I'm really hitting a brick wall and finding the circular nature of BPD increasingly difficult to navigate. Every time I find myself in a downwards spiral it feels inevitable that I'll hit rock bottom, and when I get there the total despair is all-encompassing.

I worry about suicide a lot and have thoughts about it every day. I appreciate that I have some good things in my life, but they don't outweigh the constant mental pain I feel anymore, as well as the overwhelming fatigue. I worry about it because I appreciate that my BPD symptoms mean that what seems like a good idea one minute is a terrible idea the next which doesn't work with the permanency suicide has to offer. But the thing I most worry about is the title of my thread: it's like, I crave someone to acknowledge how much it hurts to be alive; I want someone to notice and help. I've told the mental health team that I've considered suicide, I've planned my exit and I've even started following through with plans on more than one occasion and they're not interested. I even told them once that it's like they want me to attempt it before I can get the 'proper help.'

I don't think I'm a manipulative person and I try really hard not to come across as 'attention seeking,' but what I feel like I really want is to be rescued. I believe that if I try to go and someone rescues me, that having someone care like that about me would make my life worth living. Is there anyone out there who feels similar, or am I just some sort of massive hypocrite on this forum?

Sorry for the rambling and thank you, anonymous people of the internet, for hearing me out.
 
departing

departing

Enlightened
Jul 5, 2019
1,502
I don't think you're being a hypocrite. While I personally don't want to be saved, I can understand the logic. If somebody can help get you out of the hole that you're in, living a better life would be invaluable. There's nothing wrong with hoping that things get better or hoping that a hero comes along. In my experience, any hero that showed up wound up leaving relatively quickly. I attend all my appointments and generally follow instructions. Yet nothing gets better. A few years ago, perhaps I'd be hoping for a hero, too. But no longer. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't have your own hopes and dreams. I hope that someone does rescue you.
 
crazy1

crazy1

Member
Mar 2, 2020
65
Hey, they've only just started to say I might have BPD despite the fact I've had the same symptoms since I was 14 and I'm now 23, and NHS mental health services want nothing to do with me either. I've literally said the same thing to them that they want me to seriously attempt and nearly die before they'll help me, so I get how you feel there.
I'm not sure if I feel the same way in if someone rescues me I'll feel they care, but more I want someone to rescue me because I'm scared and I can't ask for help and like you said I want to die but then I don't so I don't know if I really do or not.
But I do always wish someone would come and save me and stop me from hurting myself or CTB, but they never have. Mental health services in the UK are just terrible.
 
GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
Jan 11, 2020
6,735
I don't think you're a hypocrite, many here are conflicted about ctb for a variety of reasons.

In my own experience of healing from trauma, your desire for rescue sounds like an internal seduction pattern, a dangling carrot that will ultimately not result in your desire. I would hazard a guess that at some point, in some situation in which you were powerless, you had a deepest desire and a deepest fear, and that resulted in a rescue fantasy, for lack of a better word. Not trying to analyze you, I've just worked through a lot of similar seduction patterns. And since you have bpd, I assume you have an early history of having your boundaries and reality messed with.

As a child, I used to have a fantasy that I would be seriously injured and end up in the hospital, and my parents would come and be totally loving, supportive, and focused on me and my getting better. I didn't really want a horrible injury, I wanted the love and care.

For years I also believed that if I one day ended up in psychiatric inpatient, I would get to rest and would be cared for and compassionately ministered to. I have since been voluntarily admitted several times, and it's no secret that inpatient is nothing like that, even at its best.

Perhaps if you spent some time with your fantasy, it could reveal what you were missing that caused such a desire so that you can deal with the root cause, perhaps it just needs some attention from you and doesn't know how else to get it, does that make sense?

Sending empathy and compassion. Welcome. There are lots of people here who can relate to bpd and all sorts of other issues. If my suggestions didn't help or resonate, no worries. :heart:
 
starleaf

starleaf

Member
Dec 13, 2019
27
Hey I totally feel this way too actually. I wish someone cared. Like I wish someone really cared. I have tried to reach out to other people about abuse I was experiencing and they didn't care... everyone turned a blind eye. I have retraumatized myself a few times by telling people about my abuse and them just checking out... even when I need help with safety. I am at the point now where I don't think my suicide or attempted suicide would really make a difference to how people felt about me.

My true deepest wish is for someone who loves me and who I love to hold me. To recognize the pain I am in and have endured and to want to hold me and care for me.

Your feelings are so legitimate. Hugs.
 
Ardesevent

Ardesevent

It’s the end of the line, cowboy
Feb 2, 2020
358
I wish I could be, too. But it really is too late at this point. Even if all of the stress in my life went away, I still have no one left. I’m starting to be paranoid of my own family, and all of my friends abandoned me. The one person who knew I was suicidal ghosted me.
I just want a hug at this point. If there’s any person in my life who cares about me, I wish they’d just hug me. They can leave me after that, as long as they showed me they cared.
But I’ve accepted some people don’t get happy endings. I just wish one of them wasn’t me.
 
ohhgeeitsme

ohhgeeitsme

Wizard
Feb 5, 2020
694
I understand. I did want to be saved for a long time, but not anymore. Now, I just want to die. I had no idea it was going to be this difficult (four attempts) and don't have access to any of the other least painful methods. What you're saying makes sense and also means, you still have some hope left and that's a great thing.
 
waterbottleman

waterbottleman

Not a person
Sep 30, 2019
721
I fish for sympathy from my friends/boyfriend all the time I feel like. I'm a terrible person, but I want them to care, and I wish that if they cared maybe I'd want to live.

I don’t mean to sound like an ass but if your boyfriend doesn’t care why are you in a relationship with him?
 
Jumper Geo

Jumper Geo

Life's a bitch and then you die.
Feb 23, 2020
2,912
Hi, this is my first post after lurking for a while. I wanted to start by thanking this community for existing. It's really reassuring to have such an open and friendly forum to browse and seek advice and guidance on. For context, I'm a thirty-something year old secondary school teacher living in the UK. I have been diagnosed with BPD and 'aspergers' for around five years. I've taken all the anti-depressants and other meds the doctors offer me and attend my mental health appointments like a good soldier, but I'm really hitting a brick wall and finding the circular nature of BPD increasingly difficult to navigate. Every time I find myself in a downwards spiral it feels inevitable that I'll hit rock bottom, and when I get there the total despair is all-encompassing.

I worry about suicide a lot and have thoughts about it every day. I appreciate that I have some good things in my life, but they don't outweigh the constant mental pain I feel anymore, as well as the overwhelming fatigue. I worry about it because I appreciate that my BPD symptoms mean that what seems like a good idea one minute is a terrible idea the next which doesn't work with the permanency suicide has to offer. But the thing I most worry about is the title of my thread: it's like, I crave someone to acknowledge how much it hurts to be alive; I want someone to notice and help. I've told the mental health team that I've considered suicide, I've planned my exit and I've even started following through with plans on more than one occasion and they're not interested. I even told them once that it's like they want me to attempt it before I can get the 'proper help.'

I don't think I'm a manipulative person and I try really hard not to come across as 'attention seeking,' but what I feel like I really want is to be rescued. I believe that if I try to go and someone rescues me, that having someone care like that about me would make my life worth living. Is there anyone out there who feels similar, or am I just some sort of massive hypocrite on this forum?

Sorry for the rambling and thank you, anonymous people of the internet, for hearing me out.

Wow, you sound courageous working in a secondary school in the UK with BPD welcome to the UK's mental health system the psychiatrists and councillors have no empathy I was seeing someone at the South London Maudsley Hospital and it was very rare to see a psychiatrist and when I did they never listened to me, I was trying for 6 months to change medication and they kept saying we will change it I got fed up in the end and stopped taking it, I always talked to the coordinator by e-mail, I did see a psychiatrist about twice but I was let down as they keep changing or leaving, mental health is a ticking time bomb in the UK and there isn't enough money allocated to it from the NHS budget.

It's not uncommon to trying to be saved or receive a suitable response from professionals when you are suffering if someone is experiencing suicidal thoughts they should have contingency plans of what help is needed but your right if you attempted and failed they will lock you away on a psych ward so your right they will force your hand to attempt suicide but that might effect your job. I have read so many cases now where children have committed suicide as they were told nothing was wrong with them or other incidents and after the investigation takes place they say lessons will be learned but nothing changes.

Good luck and I hope you find some peace and keep talking, there are people on this site who are suffering the same and can help.
 
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R

ready55

7722 Reseda Blvd. Apt. 102
Mar 7, 2020
14
No. Greater people than myself with a lot more to lose have come before me. Tesla died a terrible lonely death, Hunter S Thompson blew his brains out with a 45. acp handgun, and winners write the history books meaning plenty of men with opposing viewpoints have been squashed into silence. I know exactly what needs to be done. No hesitation.
 
C

Cutepoison

Losing all hope was freedom
Dec 22, 2019
192
I hope you get the help you need <3

Personally I've come to a point where I don't want for things to get better. I don't want to be saved, I want to be forgotten, I wish i could erase my medical records. And then when i finally die, i wish it was as if i never even existed.
 
Giraffey

Giraffey

Your Orange Crush
Mar 7, 2020
439
I've always been fascinated by the concept of time, and in particular, the notion of an arrow of time. Why does time flow forwards and not backwards, or backwards and forwards, carried by currents like the sea? The flow of time is what gifts us irretrievable loss.

Just as a beautiful, one of a kind vase - fallen afoul of a wayward hand - may be impossible to repair, so too I believe that there are situations from which rescue is not only futile, but impossible.

On a deserted island deplenished of food, is it really worth spending your penultimate dying days spelling 'SOS' with pebbles, or would one's time be better served elsewhere.

The answer, I believe, depends entirely on the benefit of rescue. Would a rescue simply prolong the suffering of your malnourished soul? Or would it rejuvenate and revitalise - replenish your potential for life?

I am afraid that I am the former, although if you are reaching out to entertain the possibility of rescue, there is hope that your situation is the latter.

Either way, please do stay strong, you are among friends here.
 
lucid

lucid

Awakened
Jun 29, 2019
148
You are not at all a hypocrite. I can see exactly where you are coming from, and I feel exactly the same way. I want to rid of myself, but at the same time I feel like if someone "saves" me, it'll impact me for the better. Then again that gets into the whole "but that's kind of a selfish move" part, though that's not what matters. What matters is if it benefits you and everyone is happy in the end. And on the healthcare part, while I haven't properly gone to get any help myself, (I wonder if anyone can guess why?) I can absolutely understand how worse it would make you feel for them to want people to go that far just to provide help. The healthcare here, and the UK in general really, is one big joke.

If you are true to wanting a rescue, then may it all go according to plan. Best of luck.
 
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lowres

lowres

Scum
Feb 9, 2019
114
Someone has finally put my emotions into words. I resonate with this so hard. Ive had few fulfilling relationshps throughout my life and its fucked me over in terms of future relationships because of my emotional nievety. I just want someone to love and share things with but you dont get that by crying and being an unstable bitch
 
C

Cjaf

Member
Mar 8, 2020
57
I want unconditional love. Someone who understands the struggles of my mental health issues and can accept it. That would help me a lot. It won't happen though because unconditional love doesn't exist.
 
Soraa

Soraa

Member
Feb 27, 2020
47
Welcome to the forum! Your feelings are very valid and I feel the same too. Part of me wishes for help and relief. But part of me also doesnt want to tell anyone to avoid getting more hurt. The scariest thing about reaching out for help is the possibility that they won't understand or you don't get the help you need and the problem worsens. Or even worse- finally mustering up the courage to reach out, and people not caring and passing it off as "manipulative" or "going insane"
 
Mistry420

Mistry420

I don’t even like rollercoasters
Feb 11, 2020
60
I get it, it’s like maybe they’ll care then? I’m genuinely the same I have written notes and everything, but part of me wants to go to CTB and be saved and cared for by someone.

I want to go, but only if I have to, someone caring will show me I can stay.. because as it stands no one gives a fuck suicide is an uncomfortable convo and telling your” loved ones” you are going to die and getting No response does hurt . Maybe they will run in and stop me. I wish they would but I don’t think they will if they cared they would be here but they don’t and we can’t make them :(

I care tho! Where ya at :) let’s smokeweed ❤
 
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Oyoy

Oyoy

Spatula
Feb 2, 2020
741
Yes I would love it. I have had a hard time enjoying myself and need a hero to understand that I need to be forgiven for my vunrabilities.
 
Inmyhands

Inmyhands

Member
Mar 6, 2020
37
unconditional love doesn't exist.
So true.

Mental health services in the UK are just terrible.
[rant]They are! Any excuse to fob you off and a waiting list of years. Unless you were on the brink of death, they don't care and often people that have been get dismissed as well. Even if you do get seen, they just try to get you on tablets, which isn't solving the issue, just temporarily masking it. Plus, they can only see you for a maximum of 6/8 therapy sessions! What a joke.[/rant]

My true deepest wish is for someone who loves me and who I love to hold me. To recognize the pain I am in and have endured and to want to hold me and care for me.
So beautifully put, I really resonate with this, thank you @starleaf.

You're not being a hypocrite at all, everything you've said makes complete sense and clearly a lot of us have or have had the same wishes and feelings and dreams of being rescued and loved. You've been so let down and it's so sad that - as welcome as you are here - this has brought you to this site. I think you're really brave for posting this thread.
I personally think about being 'saved' a lot and wonder what I/they would do if they found me. I'd probably be ashamed and embarrassed and angry with myself. But the idea of someone finding me and freaking out and wanting to help me is a relief as well, because I've never had that before. I get most upset about the aftermath though, I'd probably just recover and then be left alone again, so the cycle would start over - I'd have no support from family, friends would leave/treat me strangely and professionals would be useless. People would probably be angry at me and scorn me for what I did and I couldn't cope with that.
But I do dream about it being a pivotal moment in my life, where it makes everything change for the better, by people finally realising how deep this sadness and desire really runs and actually want to help and support and love me. Just show they care and give me love and support so I'm not all alone.
Exactly as @Soraa put it - my fear is telling people how I’m feeling and they reject me. This has happened many times in my life, so it’s not really a fear, it’s more of an experience I don't want to repeat. My parents and sisters have always known but have done nothing, just shrugged it off. Same for my Doctors. They just want to chuck me on pills when I've said over and over I need a support system. I was just accused of attention seeking / being manipulative / having something wrong with me / needing serious help. But that help never came. Unless I went private, but who can afford that?

In reality, unless I tell someone I'm going to CTB, no one will save me and no one will even know I'm dead for - genuinely - probably several weeks or so, which is a pretty grim thought. This makes my act of CTB all too real and frankly, pretty terrifying. I know there's no other way but that doesn't stop me from being scared.

I hope that you find some kind of help or support from SS that gives you what you need and the kindness deserve. We're all here to listen to anything you have to say and will be here day and night. I so hope that you get the peace you're looking for, whether that's from finally receiving love and compassion or through something else. Sending you big hugs.
 
Burbank

Burbank

sleepyhead
Feb 12, 2019
60
I think a part of me secretly wants to actually live. It's just that I need someone to ''prove'' that they care about me and are willing to ''save'' me. Not that I wouldn't say not to painless and quick CTB.
 
gnomeboy17

gnomeboy17

Specialist
Feb 11, 2020
331
Hey, I think if you spoke about mental health at school that could be really important and useful. I'm 18, year 13, and a teacher I had a few years ago talked about her mental health, and it really helped us all. It may also help you find a meaning.

I don't think you can PM till you've made 5 posts but would love to chat some time :)
 
a.n.kirillov

a.n.kirillov

velle non discitur
Nov 17, 2019
1,832
How could anyone live my life for me?

I started asking friends that whenever they say my situation wasn't hopeless and that I just couldnt see that things will look up again; I ask them why they aren't here right now and go to interviews for me, give me a reason to live or feel my pain for me.
 
Anon2662

Anon2662

Just a girl trapped in a psychological prison
Feb 13, 2020
366
Hey I was a teacher (primary) in the uk (until I lost my job for being signed off for too long) and supposedly have bpd. Would be great to chat sometime! I personally don’t want to be saved anymore.. but there was a time where I thought about it and how someone might save me and I’d get better.. now I realise that will never happen for me and I know I just need to go. I do hope it does for you though
 
Remember to forget

Remember to forget

Member
Mar 6, 2020
98
No, i am good pretty content with the thought of not being saved. I have people around who care who have failed to change my thoughts.
Anon I'm from the UK so if you want to chat then please feel free to message.
 
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S

s1mplem3

-
Mar 4, 2020
455
People are selfish, all those therapists and social workers don't really care, the will get their money anyway. I guess I feel you, I wish I had someone who cares about my life, but I don't. Anyways I'm here if you want to talk.