- Jan 11, 2020
Yes!! I DONT want to die!! I WANT TO LIVE! But it seems like I can’t get out of this prison.Hi, this is my first post after lurking for a while. I wanted to start by thanking this community for existing. It's really reassuring to have such an open and friendly forum to browse and seek advice and guidance on. For context, I'm a thirty-something year old secondary school teacher living in the UK. I have been diagnosed with BPD and 'aspergers' for around five years. I've taken all the anti-depressants and other meds the doctors offer me and attend my mental health appointments like a good soldier, but I'm really hitting a brick wall and finding the circular nature of BPD increasingly difficult to navigate. Every time I find myself in a downwards spiral it feels inevitable that I'll hit rock bottom, and when I get there the total despair is all-encompassing.
I worry about suicide a lot and have thoughts about it every day. I appreciate that I have some good things in my life, but they don't outweigh the constant mental pain I feel anymore, as well as the overwhelming fatigue. I worry about it because I appreciate that my BPD symptoms mean that what seems like a good idea one minute is a terrible idea the next which doesn't work with the permanency suicide has to offer. But the thing I most worry about is the title of my thread: it's like, I crave someone to acknowledge how much it hurts to be alive; I want someone to notice and help. I've told the mental health team that I've considered suicide, I've planned my exit and I've even started following through with plans on more than one occasion and they're not interested. I even told them once that it's like they want me to attempt it before I can get the 'proper help.'
I don't think I'm a manipulative person and I try really hard not to come across as 'attention seeking,' but what I feel like I really want is to be rescued. I believe that if I try to go and someone rescues me, that having someone care like that about me would make my life worth living. Is there anyone out there who feels similar, or am I just some sort of massive hypocrite on this forum?
Sorry for the rambling and thank you, anonymous people of the internet, for hearing me out.