Mixo

Mixo

Surviving
Aug 2, 2020
763
Life can deliver unbearable pain, but often I have to remind myself that pain isn't permanent. This isn't magical thinking or empty optimism, but simply a fact. The dark cloud is over you, your body may be failing you, your mind may refuse to work the way you want it to, but even in the face of unbearable, chronic, unyielding pain, I remind myself that pain has to end at some point. And yes, even if it means CTBing in the process to end it, that fact still stands.

Having had some progress this year in clearing some troublesome infections that were lowering quality of life somewhat (but still with a couple more intense hurdles left), I am looking back on the progress I've made and wondering how I managed to get through. I had to scrape together hundreds of dollars to afford some of these treatments, but made it a priority. When you're ill for a long time, one of the most insidious things that happens is that you become attenuated to a certain level of pain, discomfort, and lower quality of life. For some that is depressing, for others that fact is inspiring; it's a matter of perspective. It can be tempting to lose sight of a larger goal to fight back.

On the road to recovery, you will have days where you want to end it, days where you just want to capitulate, or many iterations of thoughts telling you there is no point in continuing. It takes physical and mental effort to push back against that and most of the time, I didn't fight these thoughts back. Sometimes I even let them swallow me whole. There might mental vipers in your life sucking your energy further or making you feel even shittier. The most important thing, I find, is to keep on track anyway, in spite of how low, dejected, and empty it feels. Your actions are so much more important than your emotional state, functionally speaking. Your mind will tell you in about 1,000 different ways you aren't worth it, you're nothing, you're already in the shitter so why try? Even if you don't push back against such thoughts, just keep following through on your planned interventions, anyway.

Today is the first day in a long time I feel that inner fog of hopelessness, dread, and emptiness lifting. The last couple of months I've been subjected to a lot of sturm and drang, but for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling a sense of excitement for the future again and I'm even envisioning future goals for myself. A lot of my situation will not be up to me, but to my environment, ultimately, though. Even if you fail in the end, at least you'll know you did your best and tried with sincerity to recover.
 
Foresight

Foresight

Enlightened
Jun 14, 2019
1,398
Cheers to this message and to your progress. Recovery is such a beautiful, long road when that fog finally lifts.

Even if you fail in the end, at least you'll know you did your best and tried with sincerity to recover.
That's one of my highest truths too. If it fails in the end there will still be so many aspects of recovery I deserved and a sense of contentment knowing I did my best.
 
Mixo

Mixo

Surviving
Aug 2, 2020
763
Cheers to this message and to your progress. Recovery is such a beautiful, long road when that fog finally lifts.


That's one of my highest truths too. If it fails in the end there will still be so many aspects of recovery I deserved and a sense of contentment knowing I did my best.
Relatable. Probably the same sense of contentment that the people who go to Dignitas feel, knowing they tried all available medical interventions before going to that last appointment. Having that sense of resolution can't be understated.
 
GentleJerk

GentleJerk

Carrot juice pimp.
Dec 14, 2021
1,379
I'm very happy to hear that you have found strength and optimism in the midst of such difficult situations, you should be proud of yourself. The fact that you can use your own experience to cast some light on a persons ability to persevere in the face adversity, is wonderful, and I think this place is very much in need of more good news like this.

šŸ„‚
 
Mixo

Mixo

Surviving
Aug 2, 2020
763
I'm very happy to hear that you have found strength and optimism in the midst of such difficult situations, you should be proud of yourself. The fact that you can use your own experience to cast some light on a persons ability to persevere in the face adversity, is wonderful, and I think this place is very much in need of more good news like this.

šŸ„‚
There will be more bad days but hell, why not shine a little light on this subforum? I'm sure we all need it.
 
hamvil

hamvil

Mage
Aug 29, 2022
500
Life can deliver unbearable pain, but often I have to remind myself that pain isn't permanent. This isn't magical thinking or empty optimism, but simply a fact. The dark cloud is over you, your body may be failing you, your mind may refuse to work the way you want it to, but even in the face of unbearable, chronic, unyielding pain, I remind myself that pain has to end at some point. And yes, even if it means CTBing in the process to end it, that fact still stands.

Having had some progress this year in clearing some troublesome infections that were lowering quality of life somewhat (but still with a couple more intense hurdles left), I am looking back on the progress I've made and wondering how I managed to get through. I had to scrape together hundreds of dollars to afford some of these treatments, but made it a priority. When you're ill for a long time, one of the most insidious things that happens is that you become attenuated to a certain level of pain, discomfort, and lower quality of life. For some that is depressing, for others that fact is inspiring; it's a matter of perspective. It can be tempting to lose sight of a larger goal to fight back.

On the road to recovery, you will have days where you want to end it, days where you just want to capitulate, or many iterations of thoughts telling you there is no point in continuing. It takes physical and mental effort to push back against that and most of the time, I didn't fight these thoughts back. Sometimes I even let them swallow me whole. There might mental vipers in your life sucking your energy further or making you feel even shittier. The most important thing, I find, is to keep on track anyway, in spite of how low, dejected, and empty it feels. Your actions are so much more important than your emotional state, functionally speaking. Your mind will tell you in about 1,000 different ways you aren't worth it, you're nothing, you're already in the shitter so why try? Even if you don't push back against such thoughts, just keep following through on your planned interventions, anyway.

Today is the first day in a long time I feel that inner fog of hopelessness, dread, and emptiness lifting. The last couple of months I've been subjected to a lot of sturm and drang, but for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling a sense of excitement for the future again and I'm even envisioning future goals for myself. A lot of my situation will not be up to me, but to my environment, ultimately, though. Even if you fail in the end, at least you'll know you did your best and tried with sincerity to recover.
Happy that things are going on the right direction for you. It was a nicely written post. Not sure if I would still like to follow your steps. I feel very tired overall. Cannot really visualize change anymore in front of me, just slow decay. But anyway I do not want to me you sad. Your success should be celebrated.
 
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volnaya_pesnya

volnaya_pesnya

Member
Oct 16, 2021
16
Life can deliver unbearable pain, but often I have to remind myself that pain isn't permanent. This isn't magical thinking or empty optimism, but simply a fact. The dark cloud is over you, your body may be failing you, your mind may refuse to work the way you want it to, but even in the face of unbearable, chronic, unyielding pain, I remind myself that pain has to end at some point. And yes, even if it means CTBing in the process to end it, that fact still stands.

Having had some progress this year in clearing some troublesome infections that were lowering quality of life somewhat (but still with a couple more intense hurdles left), I am looking back on the progress I've made and wondering how I managed to get through. I had to scrape together hundreds of dollars to afford some of these treatments, but made it a priority. When you're ill for a long time, one of the most insidious things that happens is that you become attenuated to a certain level of pain, discomfort, and lower quality of life. For some that is depressing, for others that fact is inspiring; it's a matter of perspective. It can be tempting to lose sight of a larger goal to fight back.

On the road to recovery, you will have days where you want to end it, days where you just want to capitulate, or many iterations of thoughts telling you there is no point in continuing. It takes physical and mental effort to push back against that and most of the time, I didn't fight these thoughts back. Sometimes I even let them swallow me whole. There might mental vipers in your life sucking your energy further or making you feel even shittier. The most important thing, I find, is to keep on track anyway, in spite of how low, dejected, and empty it feels. Your actions are so much more important than your emotional state, functionally speaking. Your mind will tell you in about 1,000 different ways you aren't worth it, you're nothing, you're already in the shitter so why try? Even if you don't push back against such thoughts, just keep following through on your planned interventions, anyway.

Today is the first day in a long time I feel that inner fog of hopelessness, dread, and emptiness lifting. The last couple of months I've been subjected to a lot of sturm and drang, but for the first time in a long time, I'm feeling a sense of excitement for the future again and I'm even envisioning future goals for myself. A lot of my situation will not be up to me, but to my environment, ultimately, though. Even if you fail in the end, at least you'll know you did your best and tried with sincerity to recover.
genuinely the nicest thing i've read in a while, thank you for this, it helps a bit. and best of luck to you moving forward
 
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