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Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
Somebody here feels like is being invaded by the demons of envy?

I feel a really strong envy almost every time and I hate it because I was enough problems without it. I used to pretend I liked myself and I even believed it for a long time, but envy is simply stronger than you.

I feel it a lot: when others accomplish something, seeing the talent of somebody, watching how in every place people likes things, specially music and they relate between them and share their tastes, in relationships of any kind, then it's accompanied by fear and insecurity thinking how I am nothing for the other and they will leave me with literally any other person as it ever happened.

Envy is very destructive for me. I fear harming somebody who is objectively better than me blinded by my own envy. It never happened yet, but I know it's just matter of time.

And this stupid feeling made me notice how much I tried to fake I didn't dislike how I am but I can't pretend it any longer. I see what others did or how others are and I feel pathetic in comparison. I feel I'm under everybody here and out of here, like if I was even more meaningless. I feel I am less than any person in the world. And I know how a terrible person I am and everything I did in the past, they aren't light things. I see people with pure heart or bad intentions and I envy them too.

The envy I feel everyday for the whole day is huge and I hate it but I stopped fighting against it. I know I can't do anything because I tried it, specially in relationships. Now I don't want to compite, relate or even talk with others, I just want to cry in my loneliness.
 
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LoverofDeath

LoverofDeath

-
Aug 11, 2018
91
I envy pretty much my whole family. They all have great lives. They have jobs, successful relationships and are all living a luxurious life. I don't know, I guess when I see them I just know their lives are amazing. None of them have problems, at least that's what I feel. And here I am, miserable and a failure. I just think it's really unfair. I wish my life were like theirs.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
I envy pretty much my whole family. They all have great lives. They have jobs, successful relationships and are all living a luxurious life. I don't know, I guess when I see them I just know their lives are amazing. None of them have problems, at least that's what I feel. And here I am, miserable and a failure. I just think it's really unfair. I wish my life were like theirs.
To be honest, I only envy others based on how they are. I never felt the need of having luxuries or "success" in life, how they like to call it.
 
LoverofDeath

LoverofDeath

-
Aug 11, 2018
91
To be honest, I only envy others based on how they are. I never felt the need of having luxuries or "success" in life, how they like to call it.

Yeah that too. I never used to envy luxuries either and don't now but sometimes I just think why I don't have that. I don't want to be successful either since it obviously won't last since we're going to die. It's just that I ask myself why don't I have a good life? I never used to like myself either, still don't. In my looks or who I am as a person.
 
K

KCN

El revisionismo en castillano
Jul 16, 2018
230
I used to be, a lot. Then I felt that instead of empowering me, it was rather a shallow and a disturbing feeling to harbor in my mind, so I gradually became a lot calmer, I just needed to chill otherwise I'd have exploded all over the place.
Now my line of thinking is this: I'm not envious, in the end everybody will naturally turn to ashes and nothing about them will matter anymore
 
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Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
Now my line of thinking is this: I'm not envious, in the end everybody will naturally turn to ashes and nothing about them will matter anymore
I used to have similar thoughts, but it simply was stronger than me.
 
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K

KCN

El revisionismo en castillano
Jul 16, 2018
230
I used to have similar thoughts, but it simply was stronger than me.

What really helped me is that I realized that succumbing to envy targeted to other people, just because they believe that they're happy, was actually really humiliating.
I've already had my share of letdowns, so I clenched my fists and gradually I succeeded until I stopped 100% having similar thoughts. It took time, but it helps in not being intoxicated 24/7.
 
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Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
What really helped me is that I realized that succumbing to envy targeted to other people, just because they believe that they're happy, was actually really humiliating.
I've already had my share of letdowns, so I clenched my fists and gradually I succeeded until I stopped 100% having similar thoughts. It took time, but it helps in not being intoxicated 24/7.
Nothing works for me, I fought against envy for all my life and I failed. I'm just hopeless.

It's like if envy acts apart of my rational thoughts...
 
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K

KCN

El revisionismo en castillano
Jul 16, 2018
230
Maybe you should find what actually constitutes the subject of your envy. I tried to focus on each aspect of my personal feelings and then doing something in order to check out if all of this rage could have been healed.
For example, I used to envy some other people's skills in sports. I got on my feet and started training for a stupid athletics event in my town and I managed to achieve what many would have called "a satisfying result", I got even some congratulations but deep down I felt like my envy had been wasted on literally nothing important.

In short you have to prove to yourself in some way that the object of your envy isn't worth wasting your health and time.
 
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Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
Maybe you should find what actually constitutes the subject of your envy. I tried to focus on each aspect of my personal feelings and then doing something in order to check out if all of this rage could have been healed.
For example, I used to envy some other people's skills in sports. I got on my feet and started training for a stupid athletics event in my town and I managed to achieve what many would have called "a satisfying result", I got even some congratulations but deep down I felt like my envy had been wasted on literally nothing important.

In short you have to prove to yourself in some way that the object of your envy isn't worth wasting your health and time.
I already tried it.

I wasted 3 years of my life pursuing something I never achieved.

I think there is no way I can get rid of it, at least if I am alive.
 
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