OrcWitch

OrcWitch

Specialist
Sep 3, 2021
341
I started therapy last week and it's paid for through my school tuition. The lady I am talking to is talking with me about a 3 year emotionally/physically abusive relationship I was in and the lasting symptoms from it. We talked about the possibility of dating again with boundaries and self respect established, she seems to think it would be good for me so long as I do not tolerate redflags and mistreatment. However I haven't told her that I currently have suicidal ideation. I have no plans to tell her this aspect about myself and just want to work on the ptsd, if I say I'm suicidal it will ruin everything. It's like all I can do is lie by omission(or lie if asked directly), or face the possibility of being sent to the torture dungeon where we have to play pretend and obey all commands in order to escape.

On one hand it would make me feel better, as I'm pretty isolated. My only real life friend moved away, and all my classes are online during covid. I miss how we used to take turns holding each other in bed. I have not felt human contact since hugging her goodbye. I would like to speak to someone regularly and to feel the touch of another human being again. On the other hand it feels like an unfair thing to go looking for love with this intention, only to have this secret suicidal ideation I keep from him. I don't know if it would fix me or give me another reason to live, I think my isolation probably contributes to my unwellness. Part of what keeps me hopeful is imagining a future where I have those things.

It is like human companionship would definitely soothe the pains of this mental state, but seeking human companionship is unfair as people are not mere tools to achieve happiness.

Have any of you sought romantic relationships while like this? I know some of you are in longterm relationships/marriages currently, but did you find your spouse while you were suffering?
 
threesummers

threesummers

Enlightened
Nov 4, 2020
1,145
Being divorced is the best thing that has happened for me socially. My recommendation is don't look for love. Look for friends, and add the benefits for the ones you think are cute or turn you on. No comments, no expectations. It's a lot more fun this way.

Also, maybe be willing to experiment with someone of the same sex - being bi opens up so many more possibilities and new experiences.
 
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everydayiloveyou

Arcanist
Jul 5, 2020
455
Do you know how section-happy your psych is? There are many clinicians who disagree with over-hospitalization, and on a base level most clinicians these days know the difference between suicidal ideation and planning. What I do is tell my psych that my plans are years out. But in my case I'm being honest, I don't have any materials or anything and it's pretty much all in my head so that might be why I don't have issues. It's your choice, but I find that it's important for your psych to know you experience SI so that they can cater your treatment to your experiences.

anyways back to your question -- humans are social beings and we crave social closeness because that's what has helped us survive for thousands of generations. It's not bad to want love and to seek it. It's natural, and it's good, considering it is in normal ranges ofc but to me it sounds like you're experiencing very normal loneliness and desire for companionship.

Maybe try rephrasing this desire. In my opinion it doesn't sound at all like you're "using" people as tools to achieve happiness. You clearly enjoy being close with others and feel sad about being alone. So you wanting companionship is a healthy thing, you are correctly identifying your emotions and a possible coping mechanism for them. That's a very good thing, and everyone does this. When non-mentally ill people are lonely they also go to their friends and seek out companionship.

There's many people with and without mental illness looking for love and friendship. For most of them, a true connection is worth more than being able to say "this person I love is not suicidal." It may be a challenge in your relationship but it doesn't need to be a barrier, and maybe by being honest about these things with someone you trust, you can heal from this or at least cope with it in a healthier way.
 
Flare

Flare

Stormbound
Jul 18, 2021
28
I reckon finding a relationship for the sake of finding a relationship might help. Optimal results, I think, would happen if you found someone who's also emotionally distressed as you (or is at least understanding) so that you wouldn't have to hide your "true self", so to speak.

And good luck with that, although it's definitely possible.

And as the user above me already stated, looking for companionship, romantic or otherwise, doesn't necessarily imply you're looking to exploit them for your own gain. It's natural to seek for someone to be by your side.
 
OrcWitch

OrcWitch

Specialist
Sep 3, 2021
341
I guess I just take it to heart the way anti-choice people call us selfish sometimes. I don't want to cause emotional distress and grief for someone who I otherwise didn't need to meet. I agree it's normal to want someone. I think I might be overthinking things and am in my head too much today.

Thank you for the insight everyone.

Do you know how section-happy your psych is? There are many clinicians who disagree with over-hospitalization, and on a base level most clinicians these days know the difference between suicidal ideation and planning. What I do is tell my psych that my plans are years out. But in my case I'm being honest, I don't have any materials or anything and it's pretty much all in my head so that might be why I don't have issues. It's your choice, but I find that it's important for your psych to know you experience SI so that they can cater your treatment to your experiences.

anyways back to your question -- humans are social beings and we crave social closeness because that's what has helped us survive for thousands of generations. It's not bad to want love and to seek it. It's natural, and it's good, considering it is in normal ranges ofc but to me it sounds like you're experiencing very normal loneliness and desire for companionship.

Maybe try rephrasing this desire. In my opinion it doesn't sound at all like you're "using" people as tools to achieve happiness. You clearly enjoy being close with others and feel sad about being alone. So you wanting companionship is a healthy thing, you are correctly identifying your emotions and a possible coping mechanism for them. That's a very good thing, and everyone does this. When non-mentally ill people are lonely they also go to their friends and seek out companionship.

There's many people with and without mental illness looking for love and friendship. For most of them, a true connection is worth more than being able to say "this person I love is not suicidal." It may be a challenge in your relationship but it doesn't need to be a barrier, and maybe by being honest about these things with someone you trust, you can heal from this or at least cope with it in a healthier way.

That's true I don't know how hospital trigger-happy she is. I just had a very horrible experience with it and was mad at myself for ending up there. The beds were so stiff that I formed bruises on my hips just from sleeping, the food was disgusting and many of my inmates had disgusting table manners. I was giving my food to this guy and lying and pretending I was finishing my plate so that the counselor overseeing us didn't note that I was not eating. Someone kept trying to bully me while inside, like I was a kid in school. A guard would crack my door open over and over to make sure I wasn't trying to kill myself, and the beam of light would keep waking me up because I'm a light sleeper. There are aspects to why I hated it that I don't feel like sharing here, but it felt like a violation of my rights.

My plans truthfully are years out I think. I have this vague desire to not live that is more intense on some days, and I know exactly how I will do it efficiently, but it's not like I am actively at risk of doing it right this moment. I suppose I could tell her that I just don't want to risk my freedom.
 
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everydayiloveyou

Arcanist
Jul 5, 2020
455
I guess I just take it to heart the way anti-choice people call us selfish sometimes. I don't want to cause emotional distress and grief for someone who I otherwise didn't need to meet. I agree it's normal to want someone. I think I might be overthinking things and am in my head too much today.

Thank you for the insight everyone.



That's true I don't know how hospital trigger-happy she is. I just had a very horrible experience with it and was mad at myself for ending up there. The beds were so stiff that I formed bruises on my hips just from sleeping, the food was disgusting and many of my inmates had disgusting table manners. I was giving my food to this guy and lying and pretending I was finishing my plate so that the counselor overseeing us didn't note that I was not eating. Someone kept trying to bully me while inside, like I was a kid in school. A guard would crack my door open over and over to make sure I wasn't trying to kill myself, and the beam of light would keep waking me up because I'm a light sleeper. There are aspects to why I hated it that I don't feel like sharing here, but it felt like a violation of my rights.

My plans truthfully are years out I think. I have this vague desire to not live that is more intense on some days, and I know exactly how I will do it efficiently, but it's not like I am actively at risk of doing it right this moment. I suppose I could tell her that I just don't want to risk my freedom.
I totally understand. With that background I definitely understand not wanting to go into details. I wouldn't recommend it either. A psych who's usually pretty chill about SI can go totally nuts about it if you've self-harmed or been sectioned before. I guess you can still ask but if it isn't relevant to your treatment, I get it and it's your choice and your journey!

I've told my psych the exact same thing as you. When it comes up I try to explain the pro-choice mindset and emphasize that it's a very logical thought process and also a personal belief, much like assisted euthanasia for other circumstances. I guess therapists are paranoid our families will sue, even though afaik it has never happened except in justifiable circumstances (e.g. clinician encourages/belittles patient to do it or as inappropriate contact with them)
 

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