• Welcome! SanctionedSuicide is a forum for the discussion of mental illness and suicide. Please read our rules and our Principles.
    If you are in need of immediate support, please call the Samaritans hotline at (877) 870-4673, or check our recovery resources.

couldntthinkofaname

couldntthinkofaname

-
Aug 31, 2018
565
could spend the whole day thinking about my mistakes, things that happened to me, how i could have avoided it. a lot of regrets, a lot of „if only“ thoughts

my past alone is such a burden i dont want continue living.
 
Circles

Circles

There's a difference between existing and living.
Sep 3, 2018
1,733
could spend the whole day thinking about my mistakes, things that happened to me, how i could have avoided it. a lot of regrets, a lot of „if only“ thoughts

my past alone is such a burden i dont want continue living.
I understand but for me I try to sweep it under the rug. I spent years dwelling on past mistakes and realized it was pointless trying to make peace with something I have no control over. You must 'let go' sooner or later as the past is gone forever never to be played out again Ike tears through rain. The only relevance is the 'Now' even though I sound like I'm speaking out of my ass. Years ago I got into a car wreck with a semi-friend where he was crushed to death and I dwelled on the what ifs for years after. I had no control over any of it, he was driving and the semi just came out of nowhere and then boom. Just like that lights out, then I wake up smelling blood and burnt metal and it's something that's unforgettable. Just realize our control over any situation is small even though we would like more of it. I sure do but I can't do anything about it. Just one of the many reasons why I want to ctb because it's literally the only control I feel I ever had.
 
Trashcan

Trashcan

Trash
Aug 31, 2018
1,234
Same. There are reasons I want to ctb that no amount of money could solve. I don’t see my mental disorders, social isolation, and stupidity magically going away when I have money. Sure, there may be more people who after you if you have a lot of money and they know it, but I want meaningful, deep connections. Those connections would be superficial with ulterior motives.
 
couldntthinkofaname

couldntthinkofaname

-
Aug 31, 2018
565
I understand but for me I try to sweep it under the rug. I spent years dwelling on past mistakes and realized it was pointless trying to make peace with something I have no control over. You must 'let go' sooner or later as the past is gone forever never to be played out again Ike tears through rain. The only relevance is the 'Now' even though I sound like I'm speaking out of my ass. Years ago I got into a car wreck with a semi-friend where he was crushed to death and I dwelled on the what ifs for years after. I had no control over any of it, he was driving and the semi just came out of nowhere and then boom. Just like that lights out, then I wake up smelling blood and burnt metal and it's something that's unforgettable. Just realize our control over any situation is small even though we would like more of it. I sure do but I can't do anything about it. Just one of the many reasons why I want to ctb because it's literally the only control I feel I ever had.


i know this yet i cannot change it
 
your pathologist

your pathologist

¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sep 5, 2018
516
Yeah... i may be 25k in debt... but im still mentally incompetent because of these drug withdrawal symptoms. Not being able to think straight, or sleep correctly is mainly where im at. As of right now i need someone to take care of me because im now too stupid to do it myself....
 
stellabelle

stellabelle

ethereal
Dec 14, 2018
3,845
could spend the whole day thinking about my mistakes, things that happened to me, how i could have avoided it. a lot of regrets, a lot of „if only“ thoughts

my past alone is such a burden i dont want continue living.
I know exactly how this feels. Basically all it would do is allow me to buy a piece of land, support a drug habit, and taunt shitty people with my wealth. I’d likely donate a lot of it to less fortunate people on the streets. I’d still want to ctb, in all honesty. Nothing will ever take this pain away.
 
peachesNpoison

peachesNpoison

Student
Dec 25, 2018
115
I've told people close to me this. I actually bought a powerball ticket a couple years ago (first time ever) I think just so that if I won big, I could prove my point about my endless capacity to fail at happiness.
I don't like to go out or travel and have fun so what would be the point of the money.
 
Redt2go

Redt2go

flower child
Jan 5, 2019
1,643
could spend the whole day thinking about my mistakes, things that happened to me, how i could have avoided it. a lot of regrets, a lot of „if only“ thoughts

my past alone is such a burden i dont want continue living.
Same.