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wiIIow

wiIIow

Arcanist
Sep 22, 2018
459
I have no idea how I'm going to string my absolute fucking calamity of a thought process into words right now but it's 2 in the goddamn morning and I'm at my wits end

you know, all things considered, I've got my mental illness fairly under control; at least functionality-wise. Kinda. I mean I still can barely hold down a fucking job because of how sick I am, and I've given up on doctors after too much wrestling and enough trauma (good luck getting any damn help or being taken seriously when you're simply a dumb hysterical chick [and double that luck when a doctor botches an unecessary surgery that permanently worsens your pain and then lies about it]). But hey. For the first time in my life I'm in a fullfilling relationship, with someone who offers the understanding I've always craved. Someone refreshingly not manipulative, controlling, obsessive, posessive. It helps. And I am more able to regulate myself in terms of how I interact with others, that's pretty cool.

I'm still absolutely fucking miserable, and that is never going away. I know this, I've known it for a while. I know that sounds like some self fullfilling prophecy type shit. Maybe it is. But I tried to hold out hope, man, I really fucking did. Even when my sickness evolved, and embedded itself more and more deeply into me, I still clung onto that little light inside of me, convinced that it could still turn around.

I learned my fucking lesson, because man, it sure is devastating to have that hope crushed over and over, and over again. I know I've created a lot of my own misery. Much of it was unavoidable. I know I feed into it. But no matter what I do, it's always there. And I only continue to get worse.

I'm just lying in bed thinking about how much unresolved issues I have jam-packed in my head. There is so much shit there. Sometimes I wonder if I've seen the wrong therapists, and the right person could help. But even if there were some miracle person out there that could bring to light a new perspective, ideas for helpful habits that could help me heal; and even if I could find a doctor that would finally listen to me, believe me, and help me figure out why I am so sick and in so much pain... dude, it's not like I could fucking afford that shit. I feel absolutely powerless. There's nothing I can do.

I need a full time job with good benefits so that I can afford to get the help that I need, but without getting the help I need, I can't sustain a full time job. You see where I'm going with this? God I just don't know what a bitch is supposed to do

existing is so awful and I constantly feel as if theres no way I could possibly bear it anymore. But here I am, for whatever reason. cowardice I guess. don't wanna hurt my dad, and admittedly afraid of the experience of dying.


I know how incoherent this shit is. I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't care I guess, if nobody read this that'd be fine by me. Just another late night of screaming into the void. god I want to be dead
 
wiIIow

wiIIow

Arcanist
Sep 22, 2018
459
I can't even scratch the surface in a little forum post, but I have this overwhelming urge to write out my entire story. Ive never done it in full like that, but I feel my brain rotting and my memories fragmenting, i feel like I'm losing my fucking mind. I'm getting very vivid flashbacks to various horrible moments in my life, but it's so hard to fill in the gaps in between. I don't know what's going on, I haven't had that big of a problem with flashbacks, thought loops, fixation etc. in at least a couple years... thought I had it under control. Guess not, I never really resolved this shit besides accepting that bad things happen and then we move forward. But i feel trapped in my brain, it feels like a prison where a few moments are just being played over and over again, all at once. I didn't realize how sick I was getting again, it crept up on me it seems. god damnit I want it to stop
 
LifeSick

LifeSick

Eat the rich or die!
Sep 20, 2018
167
but I have this overwhelming urge to write out my entire story

I also have this urge. I feel like when I'm suffering so much to the point of wanting desperately to die I become sort of egoistic. It's not really a bad thing, when we are hurting all we want is the pain to go away, nothing else matters.
I wish I could do something to help you, nice words don't do much I know. But I wish you good luck anyway. If you want someone to chat or even just vent you can pm me