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hoberyn

Member
Sep 23, 2022
6
Hey, just opening this to vent a bit.
I've had anxiety for few years now and i'm only 21 but it's been crushing me a lot this past three years and i'm just very exhausted.
I've had suicidal thoughts especially over the past year but nothing too serious, this summer i had to move out because i decided it to a new town for my studies but really it was the worst decision. I guess suicidal thoughts just became worse from there, as i felt trapped because i left my life from before and highly regret it and still do as it was the only place i was feeling kinda ok and really just didn't want to do it in reality but felt i had to for some reason. But yeah now i see it was a mistake but can't do anything anymore about it because i'm feeling too miserable and trapped.
As classes in my old uni began three weeks ago i still had a chance to come back until today but couldn't because my anxiety was too high anyway and it was, today was the last day i could've saved anything but didn't. It's just now everything about life makes me feel miserable and all seems pointless.
I guess really sometimes it's just time for me to go asap as i don't see any good future for me and everything is kinda getting worse and worse and a 24/7 pain. I'm seeing a therapist but it's not really working and only have a couple of free sessions left before it ends so i don't have any hope about it anymore either.
Tried to partly hanging myself this week but couldn't go through it because i was too scared of death yet, maybe i was still hoping i would find a way out, but now i can confidently say they are no way out (even tho i still hope it maybe but not really now) and even if it's all my fault, i can't reach it anyway. I guess i'm also scared still to inflige pain to my family even tho i feel very distached from them to be honest.
But knowing suicide is a possibility is actually kind of a relief, just at least i have this way out after years of feeling miserable. I actually might do it soon if things don't get better, just at least i have that, like really i've been getting hope things would go better but everytime it goes worse and don't see why it would change, most people don't care anyway, or don't wanna see the intense of suffering and when they do have nothing to do to help.
 
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outrider567

Paragon
Apr 5, 2022
925
Hey, just opening this to vent a bit.
I've had anxiety for few years now and i'm only 21 but it's been crushing me a lot this past three years and i'm just very exhausted.
I've had suicidal thoughts especially over the past year but nothing too serious, this summer i had to move out because i decided it to a new town for my studies but really it was the worst decision. I guess suicidal thoughts just became worse from there, as i felt trapped because i left my life from before and highly regret it and still do as it was the only place i was feeling kinda ok and really just didn't want to do it in reality but felt i had to for some reason. But yeah now i see it was a mistake but can't do anything anymore about it because i'm feeling too miserable and trapped.
As classes in my old uni began three weeks ago i still had a chance to come back until today but couldn't because my anxiety was too high anyway and it was, today was the last day i could've saved anything but didn't. It's just now everything about life makes me feel miserable and all seems pointless.
I guess really sometimes it's just time for me to go asap as i don't see any good future for me and everything is kinda getting worse and worse and a 24/7 pain. I'm seeing a therapist but it's not really working and only have a couple of free sessions left before it ends so i don't have any hope about it anymore either.
Tried to partly hanging myself this week but couldn't go through it because i was too scared of death yet, maybe i was still hoping i would find a way out, but now i can confidently say they are no way out (even tho i still hope it maybe but not really now) and even if it's all my fault, i can't reach it anyway. I guess i'm also scared still to inflige pain to my family even tho i feel very distached from them to be honest.
But knowing suicide is a possibility is actually kind of a relief, just at least i have this way out after years of feeling miserable. I actually might do it soon if things don't get better, just at least i have that, like really i've been getting hope things would go better but everytime it goes worse and don't see why it would change, most people don't care anyway, or don't wanna see the intense of suffering and when they do have nothing to do to help.
A relief--My only relief--A blessed relief when my Nitrogen tank came last April--and all is connected...its just waiting for me....to use it at the right time
 
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hoberyn

Member
Sep 23, 2022
6
Yeah, i guess it's always like that. I hope you'll find some other forms of relief in you life tho that will just get u some peace
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Wish that I was gone.
Sep 24, 2020
14,697
I know that for many people just having the option of a way to leave can be a comfort and a relief. For me death would solve all problems and to ctb would be taking control over a life that I never asked for and never wanted. I’m also tired of everything and I know that it’s dreadful when life just gets worse. Life does just seem to be endless misery and suffering which makes the thought of eternal sleep sound even more appealing. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.
 
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hoberyn

Member
Sep 23, 2022
6
I'm just uping the thread to say i'm getting worse and i feel so lonely. Really moving out even tho i don't want it makes me wanana die. Now i can't go back to my old uni but it feels that's the only thing that would keep me alive, i can't accept i moved out and it was all of my fault because i decided and in the end it was a death trap. It might seem stupid for some but to me now it's clear i was already not in a good mental place and now it's just worse and i don't see it getting better. Now i can rely on hope that i could find a way out but i didn't over the past three months and i will not later and then it will be too late but i'll only have to deal with enormeous regret.
I can't even do anything about it, i couldnt even changed anything about my decision when i could because of my anxiety paralyzing me now it's too late and it's only up for me to die i don't see any good left. The next week is the worst i'll have, it's just i don't have a choice anymore because i put myself into that so yeah i guess not it's up for me to die.
 
M

makethepainstop

Specialist
Sep 16, 2022
328
I sometimes have to think that some of us simply cannot fit into the mold our societies try to force us into. Seems so many people can be happy even while they live is God awful circumstances, then for some of us not so much.
 
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hoberyn

Member
Sep 23, 2022
6
That's how i feel, like it's just i'm not made for whatever society wants me to do. Like really it's just i don't see things way everyone wants me to do it. Like it's just everyone pressuring me to have a drivers licence when i hate driving, feeling i should do this or that with my life when i end up doing it all myself. I don't feel free about my life at all, it's just a 24/7 trap really.
Of course sometimes i still have hope i'll find my way out, but this time it just feels i'm too exhausted, i've been waiting for too long, and i know something else that will make me feel so bad will happen. Also everytime i find a confortable place my mind will always find the way to take me.
I can't even complain, i know my life's isn't "that bad" but this time i'm just exhausted of having to find a way out, a solution, or whatever, i fucked up and i regret it and i don't see it getting any better in the future. It's like always we have to rely on hope when i'm exhausted of hoping, i don't wan't to wait anymore, it's just getting worse idk.