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Mappa

Mappa

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2019
Messages
86
As the title states, I've been so happy much more recently. I haven't been mindlessly scrolling through r/collapse, and spending hours beating myself up and feeling dead inside. I've been able to enjoy playing video games again, and start planning what I can do to get better.

I just came out of a depressive episode a few weeks ago, and this is the longest it's stayed away. I'm honestly a bit scared because the longer it stays away the longer and harder it will hit when it comes back I'm honestly so terrified and I don't know if I'll survive this one, I'm 20 in 3 months with no education and no license, my education level is around the area of a 5th grader, and I haven't touched anything school-related since the 4th grade. I'm just not sure if I can take another few weeks, maybe even months, slacking and wanting to kill myself when the choices I have to make are about to be so crucial, I'm not a kid anymore.

Typing this I'm nearly in tears, I've been getting these weird feelings of, sadness and hopelessness and a little bit of guilt and it's possibly a sign it's coming back. I've also been a little bit more self-conscious recently, comparing myself to other people and beating myself up because of it, and honestly those are signs that it's coming back because in my happy state I realized I don't think about any of this stuff and I just focus on the good parts. Anyways, if you made it this far in the post thank you, I know it's kind of pointless but I can't talk to anyone about this stuff, I'm alone in this fight and I really wanted to get this off my chest.
 
Deleted member 22624

Deleted member 22624

One foot in the grave
Joined
Oct 7, 2020
Messages
1,112
It does sound like it's coming back, really sorry to hear it coming back so quickly. Maybe you can learn from it and try and get the good feeling back some how. I've been suicidal most my life and I'm middle aged now but it never gets easier seeing a young person suicidal or depressed.
 

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